Paris Je t’aime.

巴黎我爱你。

Paris I love you.

想了无数个写给巴黎的开头，最终还是选择了最为老生常谈但又最经典，出自同名电影的“巴黎我爱你”。

I’ve thought of countless ways to begin writing about Paris, but in the end I chose the most cliché yet classic line — “Paris, Je T'aime ,” from the film with the same title.

去过世界上的许多城市都有巴黎的影子，但她们又都不是巴黎，只有巴黎本身才是巴黎，她有无数模仿者，复制品，但无一能精准习得她的精髓魂魄，她的存在本身就是一件完整且盛大，细节繁复，无可比拟，世间仅此一件的恢弘艺术品。

零星分布在巴黎街头的马赛克艺术。/ Scattered mosaic art found across the streets of Paris.

Many cities around the world carry traces and bits of Paris, yet none of them are truly Paris. Only Paris can be Paris herself. She has countless imitators and replicas, but none can capture her soul. Her very existence is a grand and complete masterpiece — rich in detail, unmatched, and one of a kind on her own.

白天是蝴蝶，夜晚是(趋光的)飞蛾。/ Butterfly by day, moth (who exhibits positive phototaxis) by night.

出发前在阿兰达机场办理登机的时候看到了自己搭乘的北欧航空在值机处张贴的广告：世界一流的准时性

结果人到登机口却被告知航班延迟二十分钟····…

我：说好的最守时的航班呢，你们北欧人怎么这样…

While checking in for my SAS flight at Arlanda Airport before departure, I saw an advertisement posted at their counter:

But when I arrived at the gate, I was informed the flight was delayed by twenty minutes...

Me: So much for the world-class punctual, I thought you Scandinavian were better than this...

研究生课上认识的奥地利男生告诉我说，习惯上来讲，约好见面的话，德国人一般会提前十五分钟到，瑞典人会准点到，奥地利人和德国人习惯相似，而且都认为不守时算是对别人的不尊重。而印象当中的法国人有事都是迟到个三五分钟，还认为这样是很时髦的行为。课后和来自土耳其的教授交谈的时候说他有几次约好和中东地区的人开会，本以为他自己迟到一个小时已经够晚了，结果对方会议开始后两个小时后才出现。有此类刻板印象作前提，生活中每次遇到守时的法国人自己都顿觉感激涕零，而每次遇到不守时的德国人的时候都恨不得上前拽对方的衣领：你辜负了你的祖国和人民！而偶尔遇到不守时的瑞典人，因为我是实在拿瑞典人(毕竟是人在瑞典留学)没办法，所以最多耸耸肩，无奈地摇摇头或者笑笑，想到和他同名，也是经常时髦迟到地法国男生：拿你当法国人好了。

An Austrian classmate from my master’s program once told me in class that, as a general rule, when people make plans to meet: Germans typically arrive 15 minutes early, Swedes arrive right on time, and Austrians, being culturally similar to Germans, follow the same practice, but both Germans and Austrians consider being late a sign of disrespect. In contrast, the stereotypical French people are usually 5 minutes late and even sees that as a kind of chic behavior.

Later in university, I chatted with a professor from Turkey, who told me that a few times when he had scheduled meetings with people from the Middle East, he thought being an hour late was already pretty inconsiderate on his part — only to find that the other party didn’t show up until two hours after the meeting had started.

With these kinds of cultural stereotypes in mind, every time I meet a punctual French person, I feel deeply moved and full of gratitude, But whenever I encounter a German being late, I’m filled with the urge to grab them by the collar and shout to their face:
“You’ve let down your country and your own people!”

As for one Swedish I encounter being late for pretty much every time, well… since I really can’t do anything about Swedes (I mean I am studying abroad in their country after all…), I usually just shrug, sigh, or smile helplessly, thinking of that French guy with the same name as him, who’s also fashionably late all the time: “I’ll just take you as a French then.”

和做事严谨认真的北欧人不同，法国人的浪漫随性体现在生活中的方方面面。在阿姆斯特丹的市中心闲逛的时候就发现当地商铺的橱窗很精致，艺术水准很高，但也看得出来是店家为了吸引顾客在布置上花了很多心思。这和在法国街上闲逛时看到的橱窗陈设给人的感觉是完全不一样的，无论是果蔬店，甜品点，还是熟食店，奢侈品店，每家店铺都有自己独特的风格，但却和巴黎整体偏华丽富贵的街景融合得很好，放在偏极简风的北欧街头会显得浮夸的外饰在初夏法国艳阳下显得一点也不突兀，再结合法国人随性慵懒的性格，经常给人一种是店家随便在橱窗里摆弄摆弄就不费力时髦了的感觉。

Unlike the meticulous and disciplined approach of the Nordic people, the romantic spontaneity of the French is reflected in every aspect of their daily life.

While wandering around the city center of Amsterdam, I noticed that the shop window displays were refined and artistic, clearly the result of shop owners putting in a lot of thought and effort to attract customers.

But the feeling is completely different when you stroll down the streets of France. Whether it’s a fruit and vegetable shop, a patisserie, a deli, or a luxury boutique, every store has its own unique style, and yet all of them blend harmoniously with Paris’s overall ornate and elegant cityscape.

巴黎街道上Ememem的街道修复艺术。/ The art of healing the street by Ememem in Paris.

What might seem gaudy against the minimalist backdrop of Nordic streets appears perfectly natural under the early summer sunlight of France. Combined with the French people's casual and laid-back personality, it often gives off the effortless vibe that shopkeepers just randomly arranged a few things in the window, and voilà — it’s effortlessly stylish.

在巴黎降落的时候又看到了第一次来戴高乐机场时的法语中文标语，当时是放假从美国回去的时候因为转机路过，为了给家人惊喜而自己一个人订了法航的机票偷偷跑回去，在机场等转机的时候用自己在Etsy上卖自己手工编珠的钱给家人都买了礼物，还买了一盒鹅肝后来给自己带回美国吃，也第一次把学了很久的法语派上了用场，从登机点飞机餐的时候就开始刻意选择不说英语而是说简单的法语，之前一直觉得去日本时搭乘全日空航班是自己坐过服务态度最好飞机餐也是最好吃的，结果发现法国人不仅高档餐饮这一块是业间顶尖水平，就连飞机餐也做得令人印象深刻，简单又美味，为了助眠而点的配餐喝的香槟也是倒在专门的塑料高脚杯里后递到我手里来的。到了戴高乐机场的时候看到有人在机场摆放的钢琴前演奏，后来去《绯闻女孩》取景地巴黎北站的时候也看到有人在弹车站内的钢琴，感叹法国人的浪漫天性真是体现在生活的每一个角落。因为在飞机上用简单的法语词汇和空姐进行了无障碍对话而产生了自信，所以在戴高乐机场看到自己在DC最喜欢的甜品店PAUL开的分店后就直接走进去打算继续练法语，结果无论我用法语讲什么，店员都用英文回复我，脸上似乎还带着窃笑，后来和学校里认识的法国男生提起这件事，他安慰我说：诶呀巴黎人就这样啦，至少他们听懂你讲的法语了不是嘛？

Caption Translation: "A familiar soul from another time."

When I landed in Paris, I once again saw the bilingual French-Chinese slogan on the wall that I had first encountered at Charles de Gaulle Airport. That first time had been during a holiday trip home from the U.S., when I booked an Air France ticket all by myself to pay my family a surprise visit. While waiting for my connecting flight, I used the money I had earned from selling handmade beaded jewelry on Etsy to buy gifts for every family member — and even bought a box of canned foie gras to bring back to the U.S. for myself.

在戴高乐机场一下飞机就看到的中文标识。/ The Chinese signage that greeted me the moment I stepped off the plane at Charles de Gaulle Airport.

It was also the first time I had ever truly practiced the French I’d been studying for so long in real life. Since boarding, I made a conscious decision not to speak English, choosing instead to use simple French phrases to order the in-flight meal. I had always thought that ANA (All Nippon Airways) offered the best service and in-flight meals, especially on trips to Japan, but I was surprised to find that the French not only excel in fine dining on the ground — their airplane meals were also simple, delicious, and left a sky-high impression. Even the champagne I ordered to help me sleep was served in a special plastic wine flute before being handed to me.

When I arrived at Charles de Gaulle, I saw someone playing the public piano set up in the terminal. Later, when I visited Gare du Nord (featured in Gossip Girl), I saw someone else playing the piano there and thought to myself — the romantic nature of the French truly reveals itself in every little detail of life.

Because I had managed to carry on a smooth, simple French conversation with the flight attendant, I was feeling pretty confident. So, when I saw a branch of PAUL, my favorite patisserie back in D.C., I walked in intending to keep practicing my French. But no matter what I said in French, the staff always answered me in English — and even seemed to be smiling slyly as they did it.

Later, I told a French guy I knew from university about the encounter at the airport. He comforted me, saying,

“Ah, that’s just how Parisians are. But hey — at least they understood your French, didn’t they?”

在家的时候经常开玩笑说父亲很像刻板印象中的德国人，每次有事出门都会至少提前一刻钟，凡事注重效率，对你做事不满意就立马骂骂咧咧地踢着大军靴子（父亲年轻的时候当过兵），表情严肃地早上五点就把你拉起来实行军事化管理以及优化过程和提解决方案了，不擅长情感表达但在物质生活上从来没亏待过我。有段时间学瑞典语，一天晚上突然来了兴致对着当时工作遭遇些许不顺的父亲说：God kvall!（晚上好）父亲抬头表情严肃地瞪了我一眼，和在家听我用加州女孩腔和妹妹用英文对话时一个反应：“不要搞怪！”父亲酷爱户外运动，平时动不动就出门跑马拉松玩铁人三项，还买了房车兴致勃勃地说有机会要带全家公路旅行户外露营。我放假回家也是动不动就五点天没亮就把我拽去游泳馆游泳，明明说好的带我一起出门跑步晨练，结果他自己一溜烟跑在前面没影了，跑到第二圈路过我的时候还要头也不回地来上一句：啊哈蜗牛我赢了！自认为体能在同龄人中还算不错，但却是怎样都不敢和退伍老兵比的，说好要教我打乒乓球也是每次没教什么球技就对我一记暴扣然后再做个庆贺的手势说：哈我赢了！结果就导致后来他三请四邀地再企图拉我去进行任何户外运动我都不再理会。

At home, we often joke that my father is just like the stereotypical German. Whenever he has somewhere to go, he always leaves at least 15 minutes early, values efficiency in everything, and if he’s dissatisfied with how you’re doing something, he’ll immediately start grumbling and stomping around in his military boots (he served in the army when he was young) with a serious expression, he’ll pull you out of bed at 5 a.m. sharp, ready to implement a full-on militarized routine, to “optimize the process,” and “propose better solutions.”

He’s also not good at expressing emotions, but when it comes to material living standards, he has never once treated me poorly.

There was a time when I was studying Swedish, and one night I suddenly felt like practicing and greeted my dad — who had been having a rough time at work — with a cheerful:

“God kväll!” (Good evening!)

He looked up and glared at me seriously, just like the way he reacts whenever he hears me using my valley-girl English accent chatting with my sister at home:

“Stop this behavior!”

My dad is obsessed with outdoor sports — always off running marathons or doing triathlons. He even bought an RV and said enthusiastically that someday he’d take the whole family on a road trip and camping adventure.

When I go home during breaks, he’ll sometimes drag me to the swimming pool at 5 a.m., even before the sun rises. He’d say we’d go for a light morning jog, but ends up sprinting far ahead, completely out of sight. And when he runs past me on the second round, he shouts without even turning his head:

“Aha! I beat you, loser!”

I’ve always thought I was reasonably fit for my age, but clearly no match for a veteran. He once promised to teach me to play ping pong, but instead of showing any technique, he just smashed the ball past me and did a victory pose:

“Ha! I win!”

As a result, after all his repeated efforts to convince me to join him for any outdoor activity, I’ve just stopped responding altogether.

后来在学校遇到把周末徒步旅行8小时当个人爱好的德国同学我想到父亲忍不住感叹：你们这群爱户外运动的人真的是最糟糕的！就不怕虫子和细菌吗? 谁没事周末去徒步八小时，你们不如再找个兼职做！

在Nation认识的瑞典小孩：把徒步当爱好的人超酷的好吗？

我：嗯嗯你跟我爸去户外一次试试看回来还觉得酷不酷，蜗牛。

还有表示想跟我爸去户外的，我：那你替我回国好了，我真的只想待在瑞典无菌室里做实验搞样本嘛。

再聊下去意识到自己没事喜欢脖子上挂个相机在城市里闲逛一整天，干过在荷兰风里雨里骑车从阿姆斯特丹市中心去利瑟往返6小时赏郁金香这种事后被质问：“本质上有什么区别吗？”

我：嘻嘻我这个都市生活爱好者可是在街上随便找家店就有热饭吃哦。

妹妹出生前后因为母亲忙着照顾她和准备回学校的工作所以和父亲一起度过的时间也多了起来，当时经常被他带去野钓，晨跑，游泳，打篮球，给我买了滑板，高档牛皮制的篮球，山地车，还时不时带我去他生意场上的商务酒局，商场如战场，看当过兵的父亲在酒局上游刃有余的样子，自己性格里的匪气大概也是那个时候沾染上的，后来才意识到他大概是把我当儿子来养了，别的女生过十岁生日时穿的是公主蓬蓬裙带着亮闪闪的王冠，我是一身我爸买的运动服。

简单概括一下我和我父亲的相处模式：https://youtu.be/kNd8acszi_0?si=4fI5sNCaruDoLkLr

Later at school, when I met German classmates who considered 8-hour weekend hikes as a hobby, and I couldn’t help but think of my dad and sigh:

“You outdoorsy people are the worst! Aren’t you afraid of bugs and bacteria? Who goes hiking for 8 hours on a weekend? You might as well just get another part-time job!”

A Swedish kid I met at Nation replied,

“People who love hiking are super cool, okay?”

Me:

“Yeah sure, you should go on one outdoor trip with my dad and see if you still think it’s cool after that. Loser.”

And there’s even people who say they want to go outdoors with my dad, I reply:

“Then go home for me. I just want to stay here in Sweden in the cleanroom lab doing experiments and collecting samples all day.”

But then, as the conversation went on, I started to realize:
I actually enjoy wandering the city with a camera hanging around my neck all day, and I’ve even done things like bike six hours round-trip through wind and rain from Amsterdam to Lisse just to see tulips.
At which point someone asked me:

“Are you and outdoorsy people really that different?”

Me:

“Hehe, well, I’m a city rat — I get hot food just by walking into the nearest shop if I was hiking in the city!”

Around the time my younger sister was born, since my mom was busy with her and preparing to go back to work, I ended up spending a lot more time with my dad.
He’d take me fishing, running, swimming, playing basketball, bought me a skateboard, a high-end leather basketball, a mountain bike, and would even occasionally take me along to his business banquets.

Business, just like the battlefield in some sense — watching my ex-military dad navigate those dinners with such ease made me realize: the bit of rogue edge in my personality probably got picked up from that time.

It only occurred to me later that he was raising me like a son.

Other girls wore princess dresses and glittering crowns for their 10th birthdays — and I was decked out in the full athletic outfit my dad bought me.

The dynamic between my father and me: https://youtu.be/kNd8acszi_0?si=4fI5sNCaruDoLkLr

不过也有我治得住父亲的时刻，比如斗嘴斗不赢打球打不赢的时候我就会跑去他的办公室贴着鱼缸吓吓他的宝贝金龙鱼和热带鱼，或者给自己涂上带闪粉的口红，在他脸上亲一口，再去冲着我妈喊：“妈你看他在外面都干了些什么！”

有一次在家看书吃零食，他来问我在吃什么能不能分一点给他。

我*头也不抬*：狗不能吃巧克力。（父亲属狗）

再比如带我出门练车时我不经意间就把速度飙到了最高限速，被我带去加州环球影城坐过山车因为害怕而闪了腰的父亲坐在副驾说得最多的话就是：“慢！慢！慢！微调！微调！微调！你要吓死我啊开这么快！”而我坐在驾驶座一脸坏笑“就你还当过兵呢”再踩油门，“还是武警”。然后回家的时候听他跟妈妈以“你管管你女儿” 为开头发表演说。

But of course, there are moments when I have the upper hand over my dad.

When I can’t beat him in an argument or a game, I’ll go to his office and press my face up against the fish tank to scare his precious arowana and tropical fish, or I’ll put on lipstick with glitters, kiss him on the cheek, and then run off yelling to my mom:

“Mom! Look what he’s been doing out there!”

One time I was at home, reading and snacking, when he came over, asked what I was eating and if he could have some.

Me, without even looking up: “Dogs cannot eat chocolate.” (He was born in the Year of the Dog.)

Another time — when he was teaching me how to drive — I accidentally floored the gas and hit the speed limit.
He had once hurt his back by being too stiff out of being scared while riding a roller coaster with me at Universal Studios in California, so when sitting in the passenger seat during driving practice, he kept shouting:

“Slow down! Slow down! Make micro-adjustments! Micro-adjustments! You’re going to scare me to death by driving this fast!”

And I just sat there grinning wickedly behind the wheel, saying:

“And you were in the military?” Then stepped harder on the gas. “As armed police?”

When we got home, I overheard him starting yet another speech to my mom with the same opening line:

“You need to control your daughter!”

Me:

母亲却像法国人，做事温吞但细致，出门前总会习惯拖拉几下，迟到个五分钟，顺带磨父亲的性子，说话语气措辞都是温柔讲究的，但发表的文章作品和教学成果，其质量都让人无话可说。母亲也像法国文化一样，极尽包容，格调典雅，学识深素养高，平时得闲也是在家看书吃零食在自家院子里栽花搞园艺，也是我在国内工作生活三年期间唯一一位能在她面前完全放松，三四国语言自如混杂着说的人。有时候下班放学太累大脑停转，和母亲视频的时候不自觉用几门语言混着说和她对话，母亲也是极有耐心地：“宝宝，你刚刚说的妈妈没听懂，用中文再讲一遍好不好？”而现实生活中母亲和法国文化也是帮我识破工作生活中所遇到的劣质男人的慧眼，也帮我磨尖刺向他们脆弱自尊心和有毒男子气概的利刃。还记得才回国工作的时候，为了证明自己一个人跑到上海当工程师，为了企图说服母亲尊重自己在工作上的选择说了很多违心甚至让自己都觉得恶心的话，但母亲每一次都是一针见血地打断我“那些都是垃圾，我可看不上，我们家可不是收废品的，也别妄想往家里带”，而后来证明每一次母亲的评价都是极为精准且正确的。有一段时间因为工作压力选择休假回家休养，母亲知道我情绪不佳，为了鼓励我多出门运动也是让我骑自行车在晨跑的她后面跟着，晚上陪我出门散心谈天。

My mother, on the other hand, is like an elegant French lady — slow-paced but meticulous.
She always runs a little behind when going out, dragging her feet a bit and inevitably making my dad lose his patience. Her tone and word choice are always gentle and refined, but the quality of her published articles, creative work, and teaching achievements leaves no room for criticism.

Just like French culture, she is tolerant, elegant, and deeply cultivated. In her free time, she reads books, snacks leisurely, and tends to the flowers and plants in her own garden. She was the only person during the three years I lived and worked in China in front of whom I could truly relax and be myself, mixing three or four languages fluently while speaking completely at ease.

Sometimes, after a long, exhausting day of work or university when my brain just stops working, I’d start video chatting with her and unintentionally switch between languages mid-sentence.
She always listened patiently and kindly said:

“Sweetheart, I didn’t understand what you just said — can you say it again in Chinese, please?”

In real life, my mother — along with the French culture — gave me the insight to see through the low-quality men I encountered at work and in life, also helped me sharpen the blade that would cut through their fragile egos and toxic masculinity.

I still remember when I had just returned to China and took a job in Shanghai as an engineer to prove myself. I tried to convince my mom to respect my career choice, saying all kinds of things I didn’t truly believe in, even things that disgusted me. But every single time, she would interrupt me with one piercing sentence:

“He’s a piece of garbage. I’m not impressed. This family doesn’t take in junk — don’t even think about bringing it home.”

And later, it always turned out that her judgment was precise and absolutely right.

During a period when I took a leave from work due to stress and returned home to recover, my mom, sensing that I wasn’t in a good emotional state, gently encouraged me to go outside and exercise. She had me ride a bike behind her on her morning jogs routine, and in the evenings, she would walk with me and talk to lift my spirits gently.

和家人开玩笑时也讲说，自己以后决定谈恋爱结婚大概率会找个法国人，因为觉得只有生性浪漫，尊重女性的法国人能满足自己对爱情残存不多的幻想，再加上自己有一套“早安”理论。各人的审美会因各人经历而不同，有认识的朋友觉得德语听起来很动人，而每次我开口跟他讲法语的时候总要被评价：“请你不要对我说这么刻薄的语言了好吗？”而自己可能之前战争片看多了，听到德语时难免总会想起片中盖世太保的形象，而且一些德语单词的发音方式十分激烈，给我个人的感觉讲的人嘴里像进了一整支装修队。而法国人天性浪漫，再加上自己修过两年法语，觉得法语的“Bonjour Ma Chérie”(早安亲爱的）最为体贴动听，平时用谷歌翻译的语音翻译时听到一些法语词句还会莫名羞红了脸。而在巴黎游荡的四五日也因为一早就能听到发音优雅的法语心情而格外好，起床气也因此消减了不少。大学时期拍过一段时间的Vlog，当时选用的背景音乐也多为法语香颂，在每个视频结尾自己还要打上 “Le Fin” (法语：全剧终) ；南欧语言如西班牙语（ “Buenos días mi amor” ）听起来也十分热情浪漫；瑞典语（ “God morgon min älskling” ）听起来则是清新可爱的，语调偏中性，让人情绪平稳，像清晨放在床头柜上的一杯柑橘味气泡水；从不善表达情感的中国人嘴里讲出来反倒有一丝肉麻的意味；日语（ “おはよう、愛しい人” ）听起来过于正式严谨，给我感觉想立马站起来给对方深鞠一躬；而德语的 “早安亲爱的” 则是 “Guten morgen mein schatz” ，每次和朋友聊到这个话题都要大叫：没有人早上醒来第一句话想听到这个好吗，感觉是一睁眼对方就要把你拽起来去开公司的晨会了！这个发音听起来跟个装修队在你窗边钻孔似的！而且Schatz中文音译怎么听都像是瞎子或傻子，给人感觉他一早就是在张嘴骂我！我情愿跟德国人高效工作但没有勇气跟他们生活，每次他们一开口讲德语就感觉要么是在开商务例会要么就是在威胁我！

Sometimes, when joking with my family, I say that if I ever fall in love or get married, there’s a high chance I’ll end up with a French person — because I feel that only someone naturally romantic and respectful toward women, like the French, can live up to what little hope I still have left about love. Plus, I’ve always had this personal “Good Morning” theory.

Everyone’s aesthetic preferences are shaped by their own experiences. For instance, I have a friend who finds German really beautiful. But every time I try speaking French to him, he pleads, “Please stop being so mean to me, okay?”

As for me, maybe I’ve seen too many war movies—so whenever I hear German, I can’t help but think of those Gestapo characters. Some German words are pronounced so forcefully that to me, it sounds like the speaker has an entire renovation crew with drills and hammers in their mouth.

The French, on the other hand, are born romantics. I studied French for two years, and to me, “Bonjour, ma chérie” (“Good morning, my darling”) sounds incredibly tender and lovely. Sometimes when I hear French phrases through Google Translate’s voice feature, I even blush for no reason. When I spent four or five days wandering around Paris, the elegant sound of French in the morning always lifted my mood — it even cured my morning grumpiness. Back in college, I used to film vlogs, and most of my background music choices were French chansons. I’d always put “Le Fin” (French for “The End”) at the end of every video.

Southern European languages like Spanish also sound passionate and romantic—take “Buenos días, mi amor,” for example. Swedish to me (“God morgon, min älskling”) has a fresh and cute tone, quite neutral in pitch. It calms my mood, like a refreshing citrus-flavored sparkling water sitting on my nightstand in the morning.

When Chinese people—who often struggle to express emotions—say “Good morning, my dear” in Chinese, it somehow comes across as a bit cheesy. Japanese (“おはよう、愛しい人”) sounds too formal and serious—it makes me feel like I should immediately stand up and bow deeply to the other person.

But the real kicker is the German version: “Guten Morgen, mein Schatz.” Every time this topic comes up with friends, I shout, “No one wants to wake up and hear this as the first thing in the morning, okay? It feels like the moment you open your eyes; your German partner is dragging you out of bed for a corporate morning meeting, and “Schatz”—when transliterated into Chinese—sounds like “blind person” or “moron,” so it always feels like they’re insulting me first thing in the morning! I’d honestly rather work with Germans than live with them. Every time they start speaking German to me, it either feels like we’re entering a business meeting or that I’m being threatened by them!”

因为东亚社会讲究效率，再加上和西方文化相比偏保守的文化性格，所以涉及到男女交往以及感情问题方面的时候，也保留了简单保守追求高效的特色。决定回国前就对国内一部分男的成色有所耳闻，因为自己单纯地只想好好工作，再说世界上能同时大方高调地吃到正宗朝鲜冷面和韩国炸鸡，俄罗斯大列巴和美式汉堡，南翔小笼包和日式海鲜丼，清真羊肉串和洁食百吉饼的城市也大概仅此上海一家，所以根本没把这类问题放在心上。结果在国内工作期间要么在不知情情况下被安排，要么就是被强迫推去相亲而遇到的男的，往往上来就问家境学历，也粗鲁自恋到从不过问你对他们的看法如何，就自作主张且自作多情地认为你是他们结婚的合适人选。因为自己的成长经历和教育背景，经常会被强行介绍来的男的单向物化且把拥有我这件事当作他们社会地位的象征，而不是把我当作一个有思考能力和健全人格的人去看待，与其说他们在找有共同目标想要一起打拼奋斗的人生伴侣，不如说他们想要天上给突然掉一个物美价廉又十项全能的实惠管家，其中很多位尤其在听说我家在静安有公寓，浦东有几间工作室后展现出莫大的兴趣和殷勤。后来再遇到被家里或者工作中强行安排的相亲，就会说自己平时没事就喜欢去高档法餐厅吃饭，尽自己最大的努力展现自己不简单不实惠绝不接地气的一面（事实是当时最喜欢下班后去路边摊上点五块钱一份的炒面再配奶茶吃），还故意会发表一下自己听了都会皱眉的极端女权的言论，在把对方气到跳脚的同时抓住机会：“啊哈！我就知道你性格差还骨子里厌女！”

In East Asian societies, where efficiency is highly valued and the cultural temperament tends to be more conservative compared to the West, matters of romance and relationships are often approached in a similarly straightforward, reserved, and efficiency-driven way.

Before deciding to return to China, I had already heard a few things about how some men were like back home. But since I simply wanted to focus on work—and considering that Shanghai is probably the only city in the world where you can simultaneously and unapologetically enjoy authentic North Korean cold noodles and Korean fried chicken, Russian rye bread and American cheeseburgers, Nanxiang soup dumplings and Japanese seafood bowls, halal lamb skewers and kosher bagels—I didn’t pay much attention to those concerns.

But once I started working in China, I kept finding myself either unknowingly “arranged” or outright pressured into blind dates. And the men I met? They often jumped straight into asking about my family and educational backgrounds, blunt and self-absorbed enough to never even ask what I thought of them. They just assumed—arrogantly and delusionally—that I must be their ideal candidate for marriage.

Because of my upbringing and education, I often ended up being objectified in these setups—seen not as a thinking, independent women with a complete personality, but as a status symbol they could possess. Rather than looking for a life partner with shared goals and a desire to build something together, they seemed more like they were waiting for the heavens to drop them a cost-effective, all-purpose, high-performance housekeeper.

Many of them, especially after finding out that my family owns an apartment in Jing’an district and several studios in Pudong, would suddenly become incredibly interested and attentive in me.

Eventually, whenever I was forced into another arranged date—whether by family or through work—I’d put on an act, saying I “love dining at upscale French restaurants” just to paint myself as complicated, high-maintenance, and anything but down-to-earth (when in reality, my favorite dinner after work was to grab a less than $1 roadside stir-fried noodle with bubble tea).

I’d even deliberately make some extreme feminist remarks—statements so bold they’d visibly flinch—just to provoke them. And the moment they got annoyed, I’d seize the chance to say: “Aha! I knew it—you’ve got a bad temper and you’re a misogynist at heart!”

有的时候兴致上来了还会和对方理逻辑：来捋一捋哈，所以你没车没房，不会做饭，不干家务，身材竹竿，个子还矮，长相一般甚至丑陋，无上进心，自称潜力股，除了宅家打游戏外没有任何正经兴趣爱好，张口就谈钱钱钱，结果唯一拿的出手的一年硕的学费花销还不如我在美国私立高中一年的花销多？一上来就谈婚论嫁，听你的意思以后还要把你爸妈搬进你一分钱没出的我家公寓来住？胆大包天呀。我是仙女，不是慈善家！

有时候还会被抱怨说对待感情问题不可以只讲逻辑。

我*不屑*：你身上的哪一点足以让我抛弃我最看重的理性？

一个接一个见得多了觉得他们是被送来增强自己的自信心的，自己反而被衬得像个条件出众的适婚男，大多数情况下就是对方觉得我完全符合他们的择偶标准和条件，自己却坐在桌子一端菜还没上的时候就心里默默给对方整个人打了一个叉，然后便专心低头闷声吃饭，一个字都不愿意再多讲。

我在国内用来喝退无趣男人，把吃高档法餐当兴趣爱好的这一套说辞却在学生公寓认识的一个法国男生那里碰了壁。

Sometimes, when I’m really in the mood, I’ll even break things down logically for the guy:

“Let’s walk through this, shall we? So—you don’t own a car, no apartment, you can’t cook, don’t do chores, your body’s like a stick, you’re short, your looks are average at best—borderline ugly—no ambition, yet you call yourself ‘a stock with potential’ Your only hobby is staying home playing video games, you have zero real interests, and all you talk about is money, money, money. And the only ‘achievement’ you bring up is the cost of your one-year master’s degree abroad, which, frankly, isn’t even as much as my tuition for just one year of private high school or public university in the U.S., and somehow you jump straight into talking about marriage? From the sound of it, you even plan on moving your parents into my apartment at some point—which, mind you, you didn’t pay a single cent for? Bold move. Very bold of you. I’m a nymph (please see my Macau piece for the reference), not a philanthropist.”

Sometimes they’d come back at me saying, “You can’t treat romantic relationships as if they’re all about logic.”

To which I scoff: “What part of you is so extraordinary that it would make me abandon the rationality I value most?”

After going through enough of these setups, I honestly started to feel like they were being sent my way just to boost my own ego. By comparison, I began to feel like the eligible bachelor at the table. Most of the time, it’s just that I happen to tick every box on their checklist of ideal qualities. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the other side of the table, before the dishes have even arrived, mentally drawing a giant red X over the entire person. Then I just quietly bow my head and focus on eating my meal in silence, unwilling to say even one more word.

Ironically, the line I always use to scare off boring men in China—that “my hobby is French fine dining”—completely backfired when I tried it on a French guy I met at the student apartment.

研究生项目的一个课题要求我收集近四百份的问卷调查结果，把性格内向的我搞得心力交瘁，某个下午在上专业课的楼里以及学校的图书馆逼自己跑上跑下问了近三百人填我的问卷，回公寓后一个人静静地坐了很久，一个字都再也讲不出来。问卷调查接近尾声还剩没几份的时候在自己住的学生公寓的公共区域开始随便抓人填问卷，结果就凑巧问到了文文雅雅端坐在厨房外的桌子旁和朋友在聊天法国男生，因为他讲英文完全没有任何法语口音，和我之前遇到的所有法国人都不同，一度还以为他是加拿大人，言谈举止成熟稳重的样子还以为他至少是个硕士生，一问才刚满20岁。后来和几位同学朋友在圣诞假期期间一起去买酒的时候看他一副孩子气蹲在架子前挑酒的兴奋样子，不禁回想起20岁放春假第一次来欧洲观光，从早餐就开始点含羞草鸡尾酒来喝的自己。第二天再下楼抓人填问卷的时候他正好又坐在那和朋友们边吃晚饭边聊天，一看是我还主动和他的朋友推荐：“她的问卷调查还蛮有意思的，推荐你们都填一下哦。“觉得自己给对方添了麻烦，便加了联系方式邀请他来参加我每月例行的晚餐聚会。因为他当天晚上正好有课，再三推辞说迟到太久不礼貌，赶得上的话会来吃饭后点心。后来在饭桌上的几个男生开始对着政治话题开始高谈阔论的时候我实在听不下去，不耐烦到拿出手机看时间的时候发觉法国男生应该已经下课了，发消息问他要不要来吃点心。过了几分钟法国男生下楼也是有些矜持地坐在桌边，在我说了桌上的东西尽你吃之后拿了一个迷你鸡肉派斯斯文文地吃着，后来在他主办的圣诞晚餐的餐桌上才发现这位法国男生是素食主义者，还很有创意地用意面和蘑菇做了素食版的法式焗蜗牛，把杏仁打成泥做了素食版鹅肝，晚餐结束后还把他用来做饭余下的红萝卜送给了我，因为见我在咳嗽又听说萝卜有止咳的功效。餐桌上聊天的话题也是电影，音乐，饮食和文化，随性有趣又不失深度，和桌上夸夸其谈的其他几位男士形成了鲜明的对比。后来回忆起来那一晚的聚餐，我对此的评价也是印象中最糟糕的一次，觉得吃饭间隙聊天的话题十分糟糕，对自己做的甜品也不甚满意，但个人认为在餐后甜点时间加入的法国男生却是唯一的亮点。

One of the projects in my graduate program required me to collect nearly 400 ssurvey responses. As someone who’s introverted, the task left me utterly drained. One afternoon, I forced myself to run up and down between the academic building and the university libraries, asking close to 300 people to fill out my survey. When I got back to the apartment, I just sat there in silence for a long time—unable to utter another word.

Toward the end of the survey collection, when I had only a few responses left to gather, I started approaching random people in the common area of my student apartment. That’s when I happened to run into a French guy, sitting properly at the table just outside the kitchen, chatting with his friends.

Because he spoke English without even the slightest trace of a French accent—so unlike all the French people I’d met before—I actually thought he might be Canadian. He carried himself with such calm maturity that I assumed he was at least a master’s student. Turned out, he had just turned 20.

Later, during Christmas break, a few friends and I went out to buy alcohol. I watched him crouching in front of a shelf, childishly excited while picking bottles, and couldn’t help but be reminded of my own 20-year-old self—on my first spring break trip to Europe, started ordering mimosas from breakfast and enjoy alcohol throughout the rest of the day just because I could.

The next day, when I went downstairs again to get the last few survey responses, he happened to be there again, having dinner and chatting with friends. Upon seeing me, he even took the initiative to recommend me to his group:
“Her survey is quite interesting, you guys should definitely help her out.”

Feeling like I had inconvenienced him, I added his contact info and invited him to my monthly dinner party. He had class that evening and politely declined several times, saying it would be rude to arrive late. But he promised, if he could make it in time, he’d come by for dessert.

That night, when a few of the guys at the table started going off with grandstanding political talk, I got so fed up I pulled out my phone to check the time—realizing his class must be over by then. I messaged to ask if he wanted to come down for some dessert.

A few minutes later, he appeared—sitting modestly at the edge of the table. After I told him, “Help yourself to anything,” he carefully picked up a mini chicken pie and ate it quietly and politely.

It was only later, at a Christmas Eve’s dinner he hosted, that I found out this French guy was actually a vegetarian. He had creatively made a plant-based version of escargot using Macaroni cut open and stuffed with mushrooms, and a vegan foie gras by blending almonds into a smooth paste. After dinner, he even gave me the rest of the red radish he used for cooking, since he noticed I was recovering from a cold and had heard that radishes are good for soothing a cough.

At his dinner table, the conversation revolved around films, music, food, and culture—casual yet thoughtful. It was a stark contrast to the other dudes at my dinner party who had earlier been puffing themselves up with empty opinions.

Looking back now, I’d actually rate that dinner gathering of mine as one of the worst. The dinner-table conversation was awful, and I wasn’t satisfied with the dessert I had made.

But in my opinion, the French guy who showed up just for dessert was the only highlight of the evening.

后来经常在楼下厨房外的公共区域看到这位法国男生手指甲上涂着黑色指甲油在吃饼干，一次在楼下偶遇到他在学习写作业的时候突然一拍脑袋意识到他的名字音译成中文是奶酪，觉得很可爱，便转头告诉了他。

奶酪：哦真的吗，我还蛮喜欢的诶。

我：对啊，不然的话你就要和暴君尼禄同一个中文译名咯？

奶酪：那我还是叫奶酪好了。

我：对啊对啊正好法国的奶酪也很有名气诶

后来有几次见面和他打招呼都是以“Hejhej fromage (法文：奶酪)” 开头的。

临近春节的时候因为要给自己的年夜饭菜单上的芝士拼盘选奶酪，又因为自己对奶酪的了解实在有限，便给奶酪发消息问他，每个问题都做到有问必答，被问到一句话难说清楚的问题还会给我发长长的段落耐心解释。之前看过调查结果说中国有大概90%的人口有乳糖不耐受的情况，自己就是其中之一。

我：但法国的布里奶酪实在太好吃了嘛我没法放弃的

奶酪：法国人其实乳糖不耐受的人也很多哦，但你说的对，奶酪这么好吃，怎么可能舍得放弃呢？

被我盘问完芝士三百问后奶酪还建议我说既然是做春节的年夜饭，要不要选一款有中国特色的奶酪做拼盘。

我：中国好像除了内蒙古之外其他的地方的奶制品都很少诶。

Later on, I often saw that French guy hanging around the common area outside the kitchen downstairs, casually munching on cookies with black nail polish painted on his fingernails. One time, I happened to bump into him while he was studying there, and suddenly it hit me—his name, when transliterated into Chinese, sounds like “cheese.” I thought that was really cute, so I turned to tell him.

Me: “Hey! Did you know your name sounds like 'cheese' in Chinese?”

Nello: “Oh really? I kinda like it.”

Me: “Yeah! Otherwise, you’d end up sharing the same Chinese name as the tyrant Nero!”

Nello: “Then I’ll stick with ‘Cheese’.”

Me: “Exactly! And it just so happens that French cheese is super famous too.”

After that, for several times I ran into him, I’d greet him with a cheerful “Hej hej, Fromage!” (French: cheese).

As Chinese New Year approached, I was planning a cheese platter for my New Year’s Eve dinner, but since I honestly knew very little about cheese, I messaged Nello to ask for help. He answered every single question I had—no matter how basic—with absolute patience. If the question was too complex for a short reply, he’d send back long, thoughtful paragraphs explaining everything in detail.

年夜饭桌上的芝士拼盘。/ Cheese board on Chinese New Year’s Eve dinner party table.

I once read a survey saying that around 90% of Chinese people are lactose intolerant, and I’m one of them.

Me: “But French brie is just too good to quit.”

Nello: “Actually, a lot of French people are lactose intolerant too. But you’re right—cheese is way too good to give up!”

After I’d grilled him with my Three Hundred Questions About Cheese, he even suggested, “Since it’s for a Chinese New Year’s Eve dinner, why not include a cheese with some Chinese characteristics in your platter?”

Me: “To be honest I feel like China doesn’t really have much dairy beyond Inner Mongolia though.”

因为要写博客，再加上自己对很多事物都有好奇心，所以平时经常给认识的同学朋友发消息提问，刨根究底，有时候自己都没意识到自己发出去问题的框架有多宏大，难以解答，有一次甚至被吐槽说：我要是回答得出来这种问题我还在这干嘛？

我：世界乱套成现在这个样子就是因为他们让你这样的人学国际关系。

对方：嗯嗯我很高兴你终于找到了答案。

我：今年我终于决定交一些高质量朋友，我居然让你够资格了（其实并没有

Because I needed to write blog posts—and also because I’m naturally curious about pretty much everything—I often message friends and classmates to ask them all sorts of questions, digging deep and trying to get to the root of things. Sometimes I don’t even realize how broad or complex the questions I’m asking actually are—so much so that once, someone even complained:

Him: “If I could actually answer that kind of question, do you think I’d still be here doing this?”

Me: “The world is in chaos because they let people like you study international relations.”

Him: “Mhm, glad you finally found the root of the problem.”

Me: “This year I’ve finally decided to make some high-quality friends. Somehow, you made the cut.”
(Though to be honest… he didn’t.)

因为自认为是法餐爱好者，前前后后也吃过不少法式菜式，汤类尤甚，从洋葱浓汤（觉得法语里洋葱的发音很可爱，让奶酪重复讲了很多遍）到玉米浓汤到龙虾汤再到马赛鱼汤，自己都有尝试过，所以年夜饭的时候特意做了中国特色的玉米排骨汤给奶酪尝，还拍了他喝汤时的拍立得作留念，说喝了那么多法国浓汤，也算终于让你这个法国人尝尝中式清汤咯，奶酪的反馈也是“我蛮喜欢的”。

有时候写博客用到法文的时候不知道要怎么翻译成英文，也会去请教他，结果发觉与法语和中文相比，英文是没什么深度，稍显浅薄些的语言，经常找不到合适的翻译，和奶酪讨论的时候也经常感叹说某些词在法文或中文中的本意要优美深刻得多，用英文翻译完后却完全失去了美感。（希望有一天能对瑞典语也能习到这个地步）。

就比如出自天使爱美丽里那句著名的 "Sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd'hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois", 中文译文是，“如果没有你，良辰美景堪与和人说”（“Without you, with whom could I share these beautiful sceneries and moments?"）翻译成英文却是"Without you, today's emotions would be nothing more than the dead skin of the emotions of the past.”（“如果没有你，今天的情感，只不过是过去情感的死皮而已。”），美感尽失。

Since I consider myself a French cuisine enthusiast, I’ve tried quite a range of French dishes over the years—especially soups. From French onion soup (I found the French pronunciation “onion” super cute and made Nello to repeat it several times), to corn chowder, to lobster bisque, and all the way to bouillabaisse—I’ve sampled them all. So for Chinese New Year Eve’s dinner, I specifically made a Chinese-style corn and pork rib soup for Nello to try. I even took a Polaroid of him while he was tasting it, joking that after all the creamy French soups I have had, it was time for him—a French guy—to finally taste a proper Chinese clear broth. His feedback? “I kinda like it.”

玉米胡萝卜山药排骨汤，下雨生病术后恢复配饭招待法国人的不二之选。/ Corn, carrot, yam, and pork rib soup — the perfect choice for a rainy day, when you're sick, recovering from a surgery, or when hosting French guests.

Sometimes when I’m writing blog posts and need to use French phrases but don’t know how to properly translate certain wording into English, I’ll go ask him. Over time, I’ve realized that compared to French and Chinese, English can sometimes feel a little lacking in depth—flatter, even. It often fails to capture the nuance or beauty of certain phrases. Nello and I would talk about this and often agree: some words just sound far more graceful or profound in French or Chinese, and once translated into English, they completely lose their essence.

(Hopefully, someday I’ll reach the point where I can feel that way about Swedish too.)

Take for example the famous line from Amélie in French:

"Sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd'hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois."

The Chinese translation goes: “如果没有你，良辰美景堪与和人说。” ("Without you, with whom could I share these beautiful sceneries and moments?")

But the English version is: "Without you, today’s emotions would be nothing more than the dead skin of the emotions of the past."

—and all that beauty and grace are lost in translation.

也因为一些特定的中文词在英文中根本没有确切的翻译在美国求学的时候闹出过不少误会。就比如“羡慕” 一词，在英文中是没有直译的，所以经常被曲解翻译为“嫉妒”，而嫉妒在天主教中又算是七宗罪之一，所以有很多次当我在宗教信徒众多的美国用中文和中国同学交流期间表示对别人的羡慕的时候，总会被翻译为嫉妒，有好几次还被好为人师的人莫名其妙地教育做人要宽容大度。

Because certain specific Chinese words don’t have exact equivalents in English, I ended up in quite a few misunderstandings while studying in the U.S.

Take the word “羡慕” (xiànmù) (translation: "good envy" or "admiration"), for example. There’s no precise translation in English, so it often gets misinterpreted as “jealousy.” But in Catholicism, jealousy is considered one of the seven deadly sins. So more than once, when I used Chinese to express my admiration or envy in a positive sense while chatting with other Chinese students, it would get translated as "jealousy"—and some overly self-righteous person nearby would suddenly feel the need to lecture me on how to be more tolerant and generous, completely misunderstanding what I actually meant.

事实就是自己在初中时就完全戒除了嫉妒这种情绪。上小学的时候一次期末考试记不清是总分考了全班第一还是年级第一，在外地出差的父亲听了很高兴便买了一只机器玩具狗送我作为奖励。身处一出生就开始竞争互相比较的东亚社会，印象当中幼儿园起就会开始和同学比当时的拼音作业谁做对的多，当时的友谊也会因为“最近你成绩下滑了”这种理由而岌岌可危，父母也会根据自己的成绩好坏赏罚分明。记得六年级升初中那一年，班级里的座位排序都会根据成绩来，近70人的班级只有每次月考考到前24名的“好学生”才有资格被老师安排坐在教室的前三排（每排八个人），我直到毕业都没有从前三排出来过，但爸妈对我的要求确实要一直保持在前十或者前五的。只记得有一次排名掉到了第23名，从出分数的那一刻就开始紧张，知道爸妈不会轻易放过我，公布排名后不久老师也宣布了隔天学校组织春游的消息，让同学们晚上回家让父母去超市买些零食带在路上和去公园吃。那天回家和父母说了分数和排名，在我意料之中的父母整晚都冷着脸，在我告诉他们明天春游的消息的时候他们也完全无视。于是自己便默默地去写作业，然后再很乖地弹琴看书，心里却一直期待着父母突然会叫住我，带我去超市买明天春游的口粮。结果就一直等到了很晚他们熄灯睡觉。春游的那天中午我坐在公园里啃着学校早上给每个学生都发的鸡蛋和面包（社会主义好:D)，包里装着当天早上自己从家里茶几里翻出来的有些发霉的过期饼干，有些羡慕地看着身边考了倒数第二的男生从包里兴奋地拿出一包又一包的零食。后来被同学问到他们也觉得父母当时的做法有些实在太过分了，出国念书后偶尔回家的时候记起还要拉上妹妹作为同僚一起讨伐当时父母的行为，父母也在一系列事情发生后承认了他们的当时做法确实不对。身为医学教授的母亲是十分反感家里养任何宠物的，结果也不得不在我考上了当地最好的初中之后松口，让父亲带我去宠物店买了一只博美犬带回家，毛茸茸的，毛色雪白，像自己喜欢吃的香草味冰淇淋，就起名为雪糕。有一次在家收拾东西的时候又翻出了那只玩具狗，抱在怀里的时候又恰好被雪糕看到，结果她嫉妒到冲着后来被我放到地上测试电量的玩具狗汪汪大叫。自那时起就意识到嫉妒是一种非常原始且动物性非常强的情绪，后来但凡察觉自己有产生这种情绪的苗头，要么就在自己身上追本溯源，看是不是因为自己能力不足而导致的，再想办法努力提升自己，不把焦点放在别人身上，要么就选择远离容易让自己产生不良情绪的人事物以及环境，整体上来看这样子对自己的心理健康是很有益的，不然天主教也不会把“嫉妒”列为七宗罪之一了，也从未因为嫉妒做出过任何伤害别人的举动。自己把这一不良情绪完全戒除的结果之一就是对别人这类情绪的感知也变得迟钝，因为自己不会嫉妒，所以就推己及人就觉得别人也不会，有时候还会觉得一些人的行为举止很奇怪，过了很久或和家人朋友聊天提及被别人提醒后才意识到他们行为背后的意思。有时候在和认识的男生们一起走时，他们当时可能出于想要试探我对他们感受的目的经常会：“刚刚路过的那个女生很漂亮哦。”

我：哪里？！在哪儿？！快指给我看啊！！！我也要看美女！！！

对方*因为没在我身上得到期待中的反应而感到无语*：你这个女的怎么回事……….

The truth is, I had completely rid myself of the emotion of jealousy back in middle school.

In elementary school, I vaguely remember getting the top score in either my class or the entire grade on a final exam. My father, who was away on a business trip, was so pleased that he bought me a robotic toy dog as a reward. Growing up in an East Asian society where competition and comparison begin almost from birth, I recall that even in kindergarten, classmates would already compare who got more answers right on our pinyin homework. Friendships could easily be threatened by things like “your grades have been slipping lately.” Parents, too, rewarded or punished their children based on academic performance.

索尼当年的明星产品机器狗AIBO / Sony’s AIBO robotic dog, a groundbreaking and iconic product of its era.

I clearly remember the year we moved up from sixth grade to middle school, class seating was arranged according to academic ranking. In a class of nearly 70 students, only those who ranked in the top 24 in the monthly exams were considered "good students" and allowed to sit in the front three rows (eight students per row). I never once left those first three rows before graduating, but my parents always demanded that I remain in the top ten—ideally top five.

I remember one time I dropped to 23rd place. From the moment the scores came out, I was already nervous—I knew my parents wouldn’t let it slide easily. Not long after the rankings were announced, the teacher also told us that the next day there would be a school-organized spring picnic trip, and we should tell our parents to buy some snacks to bring along.

When I got home and told my parents my score and ranking, they reacted just as I had expected: their faces turned cold and stayed that way all evening. When I told them about the field trip, they completely ignored it. I quietly did my homework, practiced piano, and read, all while secretly hoping they'd eventually call me over and take me to the store to buy snacks for the trip. But they never did. Eventually, they turned off the lights and went to sleep.

The next day at the park, I sat eating the hard-boiled egg and bread the school gave to each student (ah, the perks of socialism :D), with nothing else except some expired, slightly moldy cookies I had dug out from the living room coffee table that morning. I sat there a bit enviously watching the boy next to me—who had ranked second to last in the exam—happily pulling out bag after bag of snacks out of his backpack.

Later, when I told friends about it, they agreed that my parents had gone way too far. After I went abroad to study, I would sometimes bring up that story at home and even team up with my younger sister to confront our parents about it. Eventually, they admitted that their actions back then really were highly inappropriate.

My mother, a medical professor, was strongly against having any pets at home. But after I got into the best middle school in my city, she finally relented and let my dad take me to a pet store to buy a Pomeranian puppy. She was fluffy, snow-white, like the vanilla ice cream I loved, so I named her “Ice Cream” (Xue Gao, in Chinese).

One day while cleaning at home, I came across the old robotic toy dog. I took it in my arm to bring it to the storage, and Ice Cream happened to see me. She got so jealous and barked furiously at the toy dog as I placed it on the ground to check its battery. That was the moment I realized jealousy is an extremely primal and animalistic emotion.

From that point on, whenever I sensed even the faintest trace of jealousy in myself, I would either trace it back to the root—usually some deficiency or insecurity in myself—and work on improving, rather than fixating on others; or I would simply choose to avoid people, situations, or environments that triggered such negative emotions in me. Overall, this has been greatly beneficial to my mental health. After all, if jealousy weren’t so harmful, it wouldn’t be listed among the seven deadly sins in Catholicism.

I’ve never hurt anyone out of jealousy. One side effect of completely eliminating that emotion is that I became somewhat desensitized to recognizing it in others. Since I don’t experience jealousy myself, I tend to assume others don’t either. Sometimes I find people's behavior puzzling—only to realize much later, often after chatting with friends or family and pointed out by them, what the actual meaning behind their actions had been.

For example, when walking with male friends, they might try to test my feelings by saying something like, “That girl we just passed was really pretty.”

Me*excited*: “Where?! Which one?! Point her out! I want to look at pretty girls too!!”

Them*speechless, disappointed at not getting the reaction they expected*: “Girl what is wrong with you…?”

高中在美国念书的时候一次过万圣节选择了打扮成Miku，提前好几周就买好了假发服装和蓝色美瞳，还找来了有血渍图案的发带来搭，应万圣节的景。当时住家女儿是当地高档理发沙龙的造型师，提前一晚帮我修剪好了假发做好了造型，第二天也起了个大早化妆戴假发，去学校也被同学们评价说打扮得不错。因为自己确实花了很多心思，对拍出来的照片也很满意，所以出于记录的目的就发到了自己的社交媒体上，收到的评论也大多是正面的，甚至收到一些平时不怎么交流的同学的点赞和评论，结果被国内的一个女同学看到，出于嫉妒点了举报，结果就是我的账号被封了两三天，完全没办法和国内的家人朋友联系（当时打跨国电话都要买有时间限制的电话卡），那几天原本因为过万圣节开心的情绪也变得十分焦躁。那位举报我的女同学在学校里算是受欢迎的那一类型，也有去美国念本科的计划，本以为她完全没有把我放在眼里，结果在我被父母送到美国念高中后，大概是觉得自己在学校受欢迎地位受到了威胁，以及她去美国念书的计划被我抢先一步实现（送去美国是我父母的意愿，我一直想去的都是日本或欧洲），所以在我出国之后便对我的一举一动都关注甚微（该社交软件有访客记录），却也从未有过任何互动，久而久之，我的Miku照片以及同学朋友的正面评价大概是压死她脆弱自尊心骆驼的最后一根稻草。
When I was in high school studying in the U.S., one Halloween I decided to dress up as Miku. I had bought the wig, costume, and blue contact lenses several weeks in advance. I even found a headband with bloodstain patterns to match the Halloween vibe. The daughter of the host family I was living with worked as a stylist at a high-end local hair salon, so she trimmed and styled the wig for me the night before. The next morning, I got up early to do my makeup and put on the wig. When I went to school, my classmates said I looked great.

Because I had put so much effort into it and was happy with the photos, I posted them on my social media for memories. Most of the comments were positive, and even some classmates I rarely interacted with liked and commented on the photos. However, a female classmate back in China, out of jealousy, reported my post. As a result, my account was banned for two or three days, and I couldn’t contact family or friends back home at all (at the time, making international calls required prepaid cards with limited minutes). The few days that were supposed to be happy because of Halloween turned into very frustrating ones.

This girl who reported me was popular at school and also planned to study in the U.S. for her undergraduate degree. I originally thought she didn’t care about me at all. But after my parents sent me to study high school in the U.S. (though I had always wanted to go to Japan or Europe myself), she probably felt threatened by my presence and resented that I had realized the dream of studying in the U.S. before her. After I went abroad, she started closely watching my every move through the social media which has visitor logs record but never interacted with me. Over time, the positive comments on my Miku photos from classmates and friends probably became the last straw that crushed her fragile self-esteem.

There was also another girl whom I would always bring gifts for every time I returned to China. Out of jealousy, she and others spread rumors that I had never actually gone abroad to study but was hiding in a domestic vocational school. In East Asian societies, where comparisons and strict social hierarchies are deeply rooted, this is considered a serious insult.

因为在念大学时身边认识的大部分中国人都是资质外表平平没什么特长的，又酷爱八卦，每次但凡提到自己有了什么开心的事对方的表情都会变得扭曲，有时候去DC看演唱会都会被评价：那你好有钱啊。十分善妒，见面时相处和气的同学能在对方不在场时对其疯狂辱骂，因为自己和不在场的同学不熟而好奇追问辱骂原因时又给不出具体的理由，而是继续重复一些侮辱性词汇，给人感觉相当莫名其妙。自己当时为了不脱离讲母语的群体和看在大家都是中国人的面子上而选择了委屈自己，为了在和他们社交时有话聊甚至还强迫自己去看一些完全不感兴趣的戏子的花边新闻，自己有什么特长，考试取得了好的成绩也不敢和他们讲，有时候甚至还要故意说一些贬低自己和家人的话好在他们面前避风头，对自己的精神世界损伤极大。看到一些身边漂亮女生发动态没有毛病都要给她们挑出来一些毛病，有女生出去玩坐游艇拍了照片发在社媒上被他们见了都要无端揣测对方的男女关系。自己累到趴在桌子上正常休息时还要被阴阳怪气“你是不是觉得这样做你很可爱” ，有时候在他们面前夸赞一些女生都要被他们用不友善的眼神死盯着，直到强迫自己说： “但她讲话语气是有点奇怪啦。” 之后对方才露出得意的神态，用“你跟我们也没什么不一样嘛”的眼神看着我，脸上还露出窃笑。当时也回想起高中时问一个男生为什么和他并不喜欢的人一起打游戏社交，对方被我追问到不耐烦时终于讲的实话：“学校就这么大，中国人就这么点，如果有的选的话谁想和他们玩啊？” 确实，人是社会性动物，有社交需求。后来到了瑞典念书，课上认识的一位漂亮女孩子跳舞很棒，平时也经常看到她在社交媒体上发一些跳舞的视频和照片，有一次上课遇到她便跟她讲：“你舞跳得很漂亮哦，我是永远也不可能做到像你一样厉害的。”对方道了谢之后还说：“我们女生不应该互相竞争的，我相信有些事也只有你能做到而我却做不到。”见到如此谦逊开明的女生只觉得如沐春风，也大方和对方分享了自己爱弹钢琴的爱好。

When I was in university, most of the Chinese people I knew around me were fairly average in ability and appearance, without any particular talents, but share their common interests in gossiping. Whenever I mentioned something good or worth celebrate happening to me, their expressions would twist strangely. Sometimes when I went to DC to see concerts, they would say things like, “Wow, you’re so rich.” They were extremely jealous. The classmates who acted friendly to my face would wildly insult others behind their backs. When I, unfamiliar with the people being insulted, asked why, they couldn’t give concrete reasons but just kept repeating insulting words, which felt really baffling.

At that time, to avoid isolating myself from the group of native Chinese speakers and out of some sense of solidarity since we were all Chinese, I chose to suppress my feelings. I even forced myself to follow celebrity gossip that I wasn’t interested in just so I could have topics to talk about with them. I didn’t dare talk about my talents or good exam results. Sometimes I would even purposely say negative things about myself or my family to avoid standing out in front of them. This greatly damaged my mental well-being.

When some pretty girls posted flawless updates on social media, they would always find faults to criticize. If a girl posted photos from a yacht trip, they would speculate wildly and baselessly about her relationship status. When I was exhausted and just resting my head on the table, they would sarcastically say, “Do you think doing that makes you look cute?” Sometimes if I complimented a girl in front of them, I’d get cold, unfriendly stares. I had to force myself to add, “But her tone of voice is a bit weird tho,” after that they would show smug looks and give me the “See, you’re no different from us” look, sneering quietly.

I also remembered in high school, once when I asked a boy why he played video games and socialized with people he didn’t even like, he finally admitted, “The school’s so small and there are so few Chinese people here; who would want to play with them if I had a choice?” Indeed, humans are social animals and need social interaction.

Later, when I went to Sweden to study, I met a beautiful girl in class who’s great at dancing. I often saw her post dance videos and photos on social media. One time in class, I told her, “You are really talented in dancing. I could never accomplish what you could do.” She thanked me and said, “We girls shouldn’t compete with each other. I believe there are things only you can do that I can’t.” Meeting such a humble and open-minded girl felt like a breath of fresh air, and I happily shared with her my hobby for playing the piano.

因为东亚人整体身型在世界范围内偏中等，而在日本文化的审美中女孩子就是要个子矮小可爱的，而漂亮的高个子模特女明星在影视剧中只能出演一些恶女角色，还要莫名其妙承受因为身高而遭受来自同性的嫉妒，和异性无谓的攻击。

性别刻版象中，善妒这种情绪似乎都是女性专属的，而现实却是男性嫉妒起来一点也不亚于女性。有韩国知名男偶像遵照国家规定去服兵役的时候，因为受女生欢迎经常收到信件礼物而被同一兵营的男的出于嫉妒而霸凌欺负，直到最后把自己的信用卡留在军营的小卖部主动承担同一兵营人的所有消费后才仅仅消停了一阵子。

忘记了绣球花在哪个国家的的花语里是嫉妒的代名词，大概是很早就隐隐约约感觉到别人对自己抱有的嫉妒心理，再加上在时值盛夏去日本玩时看到寺庙里开着明艳的绣球花丛，所以绣球一直是自己最喜欢的花，也有一丝“我已经收藏好你们对我的嫉妒了，不需要再持续投射给我这种负面情绪了”的意味。

Because East Asians generally have medium builds by global standards, Japanese aesthetics tend to favor petite and cute girls. In Japanese media, tall and beautiful female models or actresses are often cast in villainous roles and are inexplicably subjected to jealousy from other women and unnecessary criticism from men—simply because of their height.

In gender stereotypes, jealousy is often portrayed as a trait exclusive to women, but in reality, men can be just as jealous—if not more. For example, a well-known Korean male idol was bullied during his mandatory military service by fellow soldiers who were jealous of the fan letters and gifts he received from women. The situation only calmed down temporarily after he left his credit card at the military base’s convenience store and voluntarily paid for everyone else’s purchases.

I’ve forgotten in which country’s floriography hydrangeas are considered a symbol of jealousy—but perhaps I sensed, even from a young age, the subtle jealousy others held toward me. Then, during a summer trip to Japan, I saw vibrant clusters of hydrangeas blooming around in a temple, and the image stayed with me till this day. Since then, hydrangeas have been my favorite flower. In a way, they carry a quiet message: “I’ve already gathered and stored all the jealousy you’ve projected onto me—there’s no need to keep sending me more of these negative emotions.”

嫉妒在东西方语境里使用颜色所代表的意象也是全然不同的。中国人喜欢红色，认为红色代表好运和喜庆，所以大面额的人民币都是粉红色，而美元却全都是绿色。而红绿这两种颜色在东西方股市中的运用也是完全相反的。在中文语境中，表示嫉妒往往会说一个人得了红眼病，而在西方文化中，说一个人是绿眼睛往往是意味着对方善妒。个人而言绿色确是自己见过最漂亮的瞳孔颜色，尤其是长在喜欢的瑞典人漂亮的脸上，觉得就像是在看斯德哥尔摩近岸星罗棋布的翠绿小岛，雨后水汽氤氲的幽绿森林，莹润通透翠色欲滴的上成翡翠。但如果要是长在反感的人脸上，就像跟妈妈打电话抱怨的时候讲的：“他拿黄鼠狼一样闪着贼光的眼睛盯着我的时候活像要把外婆家鸡圈里养的鸡全偷光似的，只想给他当场全抠下来。”

“So take me to the paradise / It's in your eyes / Green like American money”

The symbolism of colors associated with jealousy differs completely between Eastern and Western cultures. In China, red is a favored color representing good luck and celebration—hence, large-denomination Chinese yuan notes are pinkish-red—while U.S. dollars are all green. In the stock markets, red and green also have opposite meanings in these cultures. In Chinese, jealousy is often described as “having red eyes” (红眼病), whereas in Western culture, someone with “green eyes” is typically seen as the jealous type. Personally, I find green to be the most beautiful eye color I’ve ever seen—especially on the face of Swedish I like. It feels like gazing upon the emerald islets near Stockholm’s coast, or the misty green forests after rain, or a translucent, yet shimmering jade. But if that green is in the eyes of someone I dislike, it’s like what I once told my mother on the phone complaining: “When he looks at me with those weasel-like, thieving, gleaming eyes, it’s as if he’s about to steal every chicken from my grandma’s coop. Honestly, I just want to gouge both them out right then and there.”

在美国念书期间因为家人忙于工作，所以便把雪糕送给了在父亲工厂仓库看门的爷爷照顾，结果有一次大概是忘了关门，可能是她自己跑了出去，也可能是被别人偷了去。后来放假回家打算去仓库去看她的时候再三追问父亲才支支吾吾说雪糕不见了。

我：什么叫不见了？

父亲：可能是被住在附近的人偷走吃了…

没有过多理会父亲的揣测，只是默默看着之前自己给雪糕拍的照片难过了很久，也没有因为这件事记恨过任何人，只是单纯地因为再也见不到雪糕而觉得伤心。后来回到美国念书帮住家遛狗的时候提到这件事，说完才意识到自己可能无意中加深了对中国人的刻板印象，结果女住家听了之后说：有些人的生活太艰难了，也是没有办法的事。觉得她的评价给我展示了看待事情的新角度。有段时间中国广西玉林狗肉节在西方媒体上闹得沸沸扬扬的，看了也只是觉得文化差异和语言不同导致的误会，毕竟这种大型活动的狗源也本就是养来吃的肉狗，和宠物狗完全不是同一类，反而和农场养大的鸡猪牛无异，倒觉得素食主义者倒是在用实际行动切身关爱动物，而不是因为自身对一些事物的看法不全面选择做无理取闹的伪君子。上大学时当时室友的朋友因为宠物狗去世请假在家伤心休整了几天，被问到看法时自己出于分享的目的说雪糕不见后自己也是强迫自己去正常上课，选择自己消化情绪，只是选择和亲近的人说。结果就发现并不是所有人都像自己的女住家一样善解人意，当场便被指责做人太冷血，我心里清楚自己并不是那样的人，便只是听着也没做什么回应。雪糕不见后也没再养过狗，在她不见前在美国念高中时因为太想她养过一只小仓鼠以及观赏鱼，也是因为觉得它们是当时自己有能力和足够的空间，并且在不给自己当时的住家提添麻烦的情况下能独立照顾好的小型宠物。后来去当地的宠物节当志愿者攒社区服务时间的时候看到好几只博美犬，也产生过想要领养的想法，但后来因为觉得自己没有经济能力和足够的空间，又要忙于学业，再过一年多就要离开去外地上大学了，所以便作罢。也发现每个人对待宠物和处理个人情感的方式也类似，我在雪糕失踪后便再也没有养过狗，只是一直在给以后想要领养的萨摩亚做准备，而一些认识的人在自己宠物去世后很伤心，结果没过几天又去买了一只类似的，领养之前也从不做调查研究和准备工作，而后来出于职业规划或者个人选择的需要搬家后甚至还会把之前经常发在社媒上，看上去很喜爱的宠物直接遗弃，这样一看也不知道是谁更冷血。自己在情感上遭遇一些变故后也被介绍过一些长相身份背景和喜欢过的人近似的人，每次都没有办法说服自己去喜欢对方，觉得这样做是对所有人的不尊重，是自欺欺人的不负责任的行为。在遇到新的喜欢的人的时候也只会把他当作全新的人和独特的个体去看待和了解，而不是作为谁的替代或者复制品。

也被朋友半开过玩笑说：你这么一直单身倒是很适合在东亚当偶像明星啊。

我*半开玩笑*：他们不配喜欢我。

While studying in the US, because my family was busy with work, I entrusted my Pomeranian, Ice Cream, to my grandfather who guarded my father’s factory warehouse. One time, maybe someone forgot to close the door, or maybe she ran out by herself, or was stolen—I’m not sure. Later, when I came home for a break and wanted to see her at the warehouse, after repeatedly asking my father, he hesitated and finally said that Ice Cream was missing.

Me: “What do you mean missing?”

Dad: “Maybe someone living nearby stole her and took her away for self-consumption…”

I didn’t pay much attention to his guess. I just quietly looked at the photos I had taken of Ice Cream before and felt sad for a long time. I never resented anyone for it; I was simply heartbroken because I could never see her again.

Later, back in the US, while helping my host family walk their dog, I mentioned this story. After hearing it, my host family mom said: “Some people’s lives are just too hard. There’s nothing they can do about it.” Her words gave me a new perspective on the situation.

There was a time when the Guangxi Yulin dog meat festival was making headlines in Western media. I thought it was mostly a misunderstanding caused by cultural differences and language barriers. After all, the dogs used in such big events are raised for meat, completely different from pets, much like chickens, pigs, or cows on farms. I felt that vegetarians and vegans who truly care for animals show it through their actions, rather than being hypocritical by causing trouble simply because of incomplete understanding.

When I was in college, a friend of my roommate took time off to grieve after their pet dog passed away. When asked about it, I shared how after Ice Cream went missing, I forced myself to go to class and processed my feelings privately, only sharing with close people. But not everyone was as understanding as my host family; I was accused of being cold-hearted. I knew I wasn’t, so I just listened quietly without responding.

After Ice Cream disappeared, I never got another dog. During high school in the US, because I missed her so much, I had a hamster and some aquarium fish—small pets I could care for independently without causing trouble for my host family. Later, volunteering at a local pet festival to earn community service hours, I saw several Pomeranians and thought about adopting one. But considering my limited finances, lack of space, busy study schedules, and that I would be leaving for college soon, I gave up on the idea.

I also realized everyone deals with pets and emotions differently. Since losing Ice Cream, I never kept another dog, only quietly preparing for the day I might adopt a Samoyed. But some people I know grieve deeply when their pet dies and then quickly buy a similar one, often without research or preparation. Some even move for career or personal reasons and abandon the pets they once posted about lovingly on social media. It’s hard to say who is truly more cold-hearted.

After a huge emotional setbacks, I was introduced to people who resembled the boy I had liked before, but I could never convince myself to like them. I felt it was disrespectful to everyone involved and irresponsible to fool myself. When I meet someone new that I like, I see and appreciate them as a unique individual—not as a replacement or a copy of someone else.

A friend once half-jokingly said: “You being single all this time is perfect if you want to be an idol in East Asia.”

Me *half-joking*: “They don’t deserve to like me.”

好像很多人都向往那种从一而终的关系，幻想这个世界上会有他们的灵魂伴侣专门为他们而存在且只喜欢他们一个人，但似乎并不是所有人有能力去维持或者承受住这一类关系，现代社会生活节奏快，人们对于情感问题的处理上也趋于快餐化，一些人根本不知道自己想要什么，选择草率开展一段亲密关系也只是因为不想一个人孤零零的和被当时所处的环境以及社会世俗的压力所胁迫。而我因为一直清楚自己想要什么，有能力照顾好自己，一个人也能生活得很好，所以从不肯做出一丝的妥协，忍让和退步。后来大概也意识到了每个人处理情绪的方式不同，有时候察觉到自己喜欢的人因为我产生不良情绪后还会想办法去安抚。（对待喜欢我的人便不同了，觉得喜欢是很私人的情绪，与除自己外的任何人无关，再说了，喜欢我的人很多，再善解人意也根本不可能做到每个都照顾到。）

It seems like many people long for that kind of lifelong, unwavering relationship—they fantasize that somewhere out there exists their soulmate, someone made just for them who loves only them. But it feels like not everyone has the ability to maintain or endure such a relationship. In today’s fast-paced society, people’s approach to emotions has become more like fast food—quick and disposable. Some don’t even know what they really want, and they rush into intimate relationships simply because they don’t want to be left alone or feel pressured by their current environment and social expectations.

As for me, I’ve always been clear about what I want, and I’m capable of taking care of myself. I can live well on my own, so I never make even the slightest compromise, concession, or step back. Over time, I also came to realize that everyone handles emotions differently. Sometimes, when I notice that the person I like is upset because of me, I try to reach out to comfort and soothe him.

But when it comes to people who like me, it’s different. I believe liking someone is a very personal feeling that doesn’t involve anyone else. Besides, there are many people like me, and no matter how understanding I try to be, it’s simply impossible to care for everyone.

生日晚上给自己在塞纳河的邮轮上订了生日晚餐，骑车去码头的路上经过《盗梦空间》的取景地。到了河边准备登船时却产生了回到DC市中心码头的即视感，因为自己在临海城市长大，非常喜欢吃海鲜，所以每到一个城市都是喜欢去当地的海鲜市场逛逛看看当地有什么特色海产品的。每次到DC码头边很远就能闻到海风裹挟着马里兰州特产老湾调味料的气息被吹进自己的鼻腔，经常会买蓝蟹回去做不辣版的麻辣香锅（不喜欢吃辣）或是蒸了之后拆蟹肉来拌面吃，码头上海鲜店的店员和平日里在学校里接触到文质彬彬措辞讲究的教授们也是不同的，言谈举止有些粗俗却做事干练，和我交谈时有时还会带着玩笑意味夹上几个带有种族歧视意味的词汇，但心地却是不坏，每次称完蓝蟹的重量结账之后还会往我的袋子里再捎上一两只个头并不小的蓝蟹送我。在船上和服务生报了预约信息后在指定给自己的位置上入座并稍稍整理了一下自己的发型，邻座一位带着Rendezvous对象来吃饭的小伙看我看得出神还将桌上的餐具打翻在地，我对着他大方的眼神笑笑，接着午餐继续给自己点了一杯香槟，小酌几口在等菜上来前的时候接着微醺的情绪跑到甲板上吹风，看到塞纳河两岸巴黎恢宏的建筑群与不远处的灯光闪烁的埃菲尔铁塔时，霎那间就理解了海明威说的“巴黎是一场流动的盛宴”所表达的意思，曾在自己记忆中流光溢彩的上海外滩也在眼前绚烂夺目的巴黎夜景下瞬间失去了其神彩。游轮晚餐接近尾声的时候服务生也开始给当天过生日的乘客们送上了蛋糕和冷烟火，还有几对情侣在船上当场求婚。虽然经常开玩笑说自己不怎么相信爱情，但看到这种场景却每次都能被感动到热泪盈眶，和朋友聊到婚礼时也说虽然自己对爱情以及婚姻已经不报什么幻想，但还是很喜欢去参加别人婚礼的，还想去考一个可以主持婚礼的牧师资格证方便以后去婚礼上蹭吃蹭喝前排观礼，因为对我来说，这世上再没有比见证两个人决定携手共度余生、一起面对生活的风雨更美好的事情了。

《盗梦空间》的取景地。/ Straight out of *Inception.*

On my birthday evening, I booked a dinner cruise on the Seine River for myself. On the way to the dock by bike, I passed by one of the filming locations of Inception. When I arrived at the riverbank preparing to board the boat, I suddenly felt like I was back at The Wharf in DC. Having grown up in a coastal city, I’ve always loved seafood, so whenever I visit a new city, I enjoy exploring the local seafood markets to see what unique catches they have.

在巴黎入住的宾馆附近的海鲜店甚至还有填好香料黄油的蜗牛卖。/ Near the hotel I stayed at in Paris, there was even a seafood shop selling snails stuffed with spiced butter.

途经巴黎的日本文化会馆。/ Passing by the Japan Cultural Center in Paris.

Every time I go near The Wharf , I can smell the sea breeze mixed with the scent of Maryland’s famous Old Bay seasoning. I often buy blue crabs to cook a non-spicy version of mala hotpot (since I don’t like spicy food), or I steam them and mix the crab meat with noodles. The seafood vendors at the docks are very different from the polite, well-spoken professors I usually meet at university — their mannerisms can be a bit rough and casual, and sometimes their jokes even have a hint of racial undertones, but you can tell that they’re good people by heart. After weighing and paying for the blue crabs, they often slip an extra one or two into my bag as a gift.

On the boat, after confirming my reservation with the waiter, I took my assigned seat and tidied my hair a little. At the next table, a young man who came with his rendezvous was so distracted by looking at me that he accidentally knocked the cutlery onto the floor. I smiled back at him warmly. Then I ordered a glass of champagne for myself and sipped it slowly while waiting for my meal. Slightly tipsy, I went up to the deck to enjoy the breeze. Seeing the grand architecture lining both sides of the Seine and the glittering Eiffel Tower nearby, I suddenly understood what Hemingway meant when he said, “Paris is a movable feast.” The Shanghai Bund, once shining brightly in my memories, instantly seemed to lose its charm compared to the dazzling Parisian nightscape before me.

As the dinner cruise was nearing its end, the waiters started bringing out cakes and sparklers for the passengers celebrating their birthdays that day. A few couples even proposed on the boat. Though I often joke that I don’t really believe in love, scenes like this always move me to tears. When chatting with friends about weddings, I say that even though I no longer hold much fantasy about love or marriage, I still love attending weddings. I even want to get certified as a wedding officiant so I can attend weddings, enjoy the food and sit in the front row. To me, there’s nothing more beautiful in this world than witnessing two people decide to walk through life hand in hand, facing all its storms together.

在船上的DJ开始放节奏激烈的夜场音乐时及时蹦下了船，骑车回去的路上再次路过夜色下的埃菲尔铁塔，身边都是摆着不同姿势和其合影的人群，因为隔天订了登塔的行程便没多做停留，在夜色和月光的映衬下，铁塔日光下的锋利的棱角也显得柔和起来。

When the DJ on the boat started playing intense, energetic nightclub music, I quickly got off the cruise. On my way riding the Lime bike back to the hotel, I passed by the Eiffel Tower again under the night sky. All around me were groups of people striking different poses for photos with the tower. Since I had planned to visit the tower the next day, I didn’t linger long. Bathed in the night and moonlight, even the sharp edges of the Eiffel Tower softened compared to how they looked in the bright daylight.

在学校认识的其他法国男生们都是一副文质彬彬的斯文模样，第一学期上瑞典语课的时候一次课上偶然坐到一位来自普罗旺斯的男生旁边，他长得像职业发展早期靠作品实力圈粉还没开始发油炒绯闻的肖恩·门德斯，书卷气浓厚，一副谦谦君子的模样，讲英文的时候也带点很可爱的法语腔。课间聊天的时候和他讲说因为欧美国家的语言课程环境设置类似，在课上做瑞典语口语练习的时候总有之前在美国上法语课的既视感，总会产生想要说法语的冲动，他听了冲我笑笑，露出可爱的虎牙，后来课上再遇到不会讲的瑞典语单词也开始跟我讲法语。瑞典语口语考试的时候又凑巧同他和另外一个罗马尼亚的女生分到一组，考试前和课上的其他几位欧洲同学一起复习的间隙，听他们分享在法国遭遇的负面经历以及对法国人负面评价的时候这位法国男生也是温柔地笑笑，完全没有被冒犯到的样子。口语考试前闲聊的时候了解到因为他喜欢坐火车出行，所以开学的时候是坐了几天的火车从南法的普罗旺斯来瑞典乌普萨拉念书，家里是开农场的，我好奇追问他家的农产品都有哪些的时候，他开始报蔬菜的名字：茄子，番茄，西葫芦，洋葱，彩椒啊之类。

因为不想吃白食正在发愁不知道被奶酪小哥邀请的圣诞晚餐要怎样帮忙的我：诶这些不都是普罗旺斯炖菜的主要食材吗？

他*愣了一下*:对哦！

口语考试结束回学生公寓的时候路过厨房，发现奶酪正好在做晚饭，我跑过去：奶酪奶酪，圣诞节晚餐我做普罗旺斯炖菜可以吗？

奶酪*笑笑*:你上次聚餐做很多菜了，这次休息一下吧。

我：我不要。

奶酪：那你想做这道菜哦？可以啊，之前我和几个朋友在厨房办厨艺比赛的时候我做过诶，还去宜家买了只毛绒老鼠模仿《美食总动员》顶在头上。

说完给我看照片。

因为他的社交媒体头像都是猫猫，也给我看过他家里养的猫猫的照片，非常喜欢猫猫，后来我在Instagram上打发时间看到下面这张迷因的时候随手就转给了他说：是你哦！

The other French guys I met at school all had that refined, polished look. During one of the first semester Swedish class, I happened to sit next to a guy from Provence. He looked like a young Shawn Mendes in the early days of his career—relying on talent before any scandals hit—bookish and gentlemanly, with a charming little French accent when he spoke English. During break, I told him that because language classes in Europe and the US have a similar setup, and I have taken French classes back in the US, practicing Swedish sometimes made me have the urge to speak French instead. He smiled at me, showing cute little tiger teeth. Later, when he encountered Swedish words he didn't know in class, he started to speak French to me.

During the Swedish oral exam, I happen to be grouped with him and a Romanian girl. Before the exam, during study breaks while reviewing with other European classmates, I heard them sharing negative experiences and stereotypes about French people, but the French guy just smiled gently, totally unfazed.

Before the exam, I learned he liked traveling by train and had taken a several-day train ride from Provence to Uppsala for school. His family owns a farm. Out of curiousity, I asked what kind of produce they grew. He started listing vegetables’ names: eggplants, tomatoes, zucchini, onions, bell peppers, and so on.

I was worrying about how to help out at the Christmas dinner that Nello had invited me to and said, “Hey, aren’t those the main ingredients for a ratatouille?”

He paused for a second and answer: “Yeah!”

After the oral exam, when I was passing by the kitchen in the student apartment, I saw Nello was making dinner. I ran to him and said, “Nello, Nello, can I make ratatouille for Christmas dinner?”

He smiled, “You made a lot of dishes at the last dinner party, it’s time for you to take some rest.”

I replied, “But I don’t want to.”

He laughed, “You want to make that dish? Sure! I actually did it before during a cooking contest with some friends here. I even bought a stuffed mouse from IKEA and put it on my head like in Ratatouille.”

Then he showed me the photo.

Because his social media profile pictures were all cats, and he had shown me photos of the cats he had back at home, it was clear that he really loves cats. Later, when I was scrolling through Instagram to kill time, I came across a meme and sent it to him saying, “This is you!”

圣诞节假期期间大概是因为作息不太规律，在左上唇和右上唇的痣对称的位置长了一颗痘，想起之前网上冲浪的时候刷到的一张迷因，感觉自己就像里面那只猫，找来给奶酪看了，他用他标准的加拿大口音英语念完配字笑出声后我接：但你没有法语口音诶！

他：那我模仿一下。

又用很可爱的带法语口音的英文念了一遍。

During the Christmas break, probably because my schedule was a bit irregular, I got a pimple right on the symmetrical spots above my left upper lip to my mole on the right upper lip. It reminded me of a meme I’d seen online before—I felt just like the cat in it—so I showed it to Nello. He read the caption out loud in his typical Canadian-accented English and laughed. I teased, “But you don’t have a French accent!”

He said, “I can imitate it for you.”

Then he repeated it again in English with a very cute French accent.

圣诞前夜那天起了个大早开始备普罗旺斯炖菜的食材，期间认识的同学下楼进厨房晃悠的时候见我问在做什么，给出回复之后我有些紧张的大声冲对方说：如果我做失败了，那我就叫它中式炖菜！反正我又不是法国人，这道菜做砸了也没关系！

然后一直在厨房外和女儿用法语聊天法国阿姨突然走进厨房，我刚刚讲的那句“反正我又不是法国人！“回音还在厨房里荡着，自己被尴尬到祈祷对方没听见或者根本听不懂英文。

第一次尝试做普罗旺斯炖菜还挺成功，有不知道当晚菜单的同学还一眼认出了出处，坐在奶酪对面的我也突然想到：诶你不是就是南法来的嘛？和电影里的美食评论员一样诶！你吃的时候有没有跟他一样有童年记忆在你面前闪回？

奶酪*非常配合地闭上眼睛又吃了一口*：很好吃！我看到闪回了！

圣诞节的餐桌上我又开始试探性地说自己的爱好之一吃法餐，去过Joël Robuchon在上海开的餐厅，本以为对方会和之前遇到的大多数男的一样愣住，然后开始阴阳怪气，酸得冒泡，结果奶酪小哥用他如海水般湛蓝的大眼睛透过他黑色粗框眼镜的镜片看着我只是语气温和地笑笑说：你知道吗？他生前在我们法国还是家喻户晓的电视明星哦。

这次却轮到我愣在原地不知道怎样接话了，感觉自己出于习惯重拳出击却一拳打到了柔软贵重的金丝裘上一样。

On Christmas Eve, I got up early to start preparing the ingredients for the ratatouille. While I was busy in the kitchen, some classmates came downstairs and wandered in to see what I was doing. When I told them, I nervously shouted, “If I mess this up, I’ll just call it Chinese style! I’m not French, I got no one to impress!”

Just then, a French auntie who had been chatting with her daughter in French outside the kitchen suddenly walked in. My words, “I’m not French, I got no one to impress!” were still echoing in the kitchen, and I was so embarrassed I prayed she hadn’t heard me or simply didn’t understand English.

圣诞夜晚餐餐桌上的普罗旺斯炖菜。/ Ratatouille on Christmas Eve’s dinner table.

My first attempt at making ratatouille actually went quite well. Some classmates who didn’t know the menu recognized the dish right away. Sitting across from Nello, I suddenly remembered, “Hey, aren’t you from southern part of France? You’re just like the food critic Ego in the movie! When you eat it, do you get those childhood flashbacks like him?”

Nello cooperatively closed his eyes, took another bite, and said, “It’s really good! I did see the flashback!”

At the Christmas dinner table, I cautiously mentioned one of my hobbies: enjoy French fine dining and that I had been to Joël Robuchon’s restaurant in Shanghai. I expected him to react like most guys I’d met before—salty, then passive-aggressive and bitter. But instead, Nello looked at me through his black-rimmed glasses with his deep ocean-blue eyes and gently smiled, saying, “You know, when he was alive, he was a famous TV star in France.”

I was the one left speechless that time, Nello’s response gave me the feeling like I had accidentally hit a precious, soft golden fur with a heavy punch out of habit.

圣诞晚宴的餐桌上还和在座的同学朋友互相分享了童年照，奶酪小时候就是大大的碧蓝色眼睛，发色却是和现在的深棕色完全不同的浅金，给他们看我高中大学时期的照片的时候还被评价说像当年会在汤不热或聚友网上受追捧的网红。自己当晚喝了点酒讲话也有些口无遮拦，一会儿说奶酪长得像颜值巅峰时期的布兰登·费舍，一会儿又带点耍酒疯的意味说发现奶酪的发型梳得跟自己妈妈一样诶，并开始叫坐在对面的他“Maman”(法文：妈妈)。吃完圣诞晚餐我上楼去拿仿貂皮穿上出门去教堂参加圣诞弥撒，回到学生公寓后发现一同聚餐吃饭的同学朋友们摆出了桌游打算玩，有一位还带了音箱来放歌，问我有没有想要听的音乐，我点了一首Jain的Come (MV艺术气息很浓厚很可爱: https://youtu.be/KDXOzr0GoA4?si=MOavw_s7AsXz_Hvw )，结果歌放到一半，上楼拿东西的奶酪走进来说哇你听Jain，给我看他之前在厨房做饭时用来喝水的杯子，我接过来一看发现是Jain在法国巡演时的演唱会周边，还给我看他和家人去看Jain 的演唱会时拍的照片。我激动地一拍大腿，跟他说你等一下，起身跑上楼拿了硬盘和电脑，给他看我大学时在DC看Jain演唱会的照片和视频。

At the Christmas dinner table, we shared childhood photos with each other. Nello, when he was little, had big bright blue eyes, but his hair color was completely different from the deep brown he has now—it was a light blonde tone. When I showed them photos of myself from high school and college, they said I looked like one of those influencers who used to be popular on sites like Tumblr or MySpace. That night, after having a bit of wine, I got a little loose with my words—at one moment, I said Nello looked like Brandon Fraser at his peak good looks, then, with a bit of drunken humor, I noticed Nello’s hairstyle was just like my mom’s and started calling him “Maman” (French: “Mom” ), jokingly, while he sat across from me.

After finishing the Christmas dinner, I went upstairs to grab my faux mink coat and headed out to church for the Christmas Mass. When I returned to the student apartment, I found some of the friends from dinner had set up board games and even brought a speaker to play music. They asked if I wanted to pick a song, and I picked Come by Jain (the music video is very artistic and cute: https://youtu.be/KDXOzr0GoA4?si=MOavw_s7AsXz_Hvw ). Halfway through the song, Nello came in from upstairs and said, “Wow, you listen to Jain?” Then he showed me the cup he’d been drinking water from while cooking in the kitchen that afternoon. I took it and saw it was official merchandise from Jain’s concert tour in France. He also showed me photos of himself and his family attending Jain’s concert. Excited, I slapped my thigh and told him to wait a moment. I ran upstairs to get my hard drive and laptop, then showed him photos and videos from when I saw Jain live in DC back in college.

记得去看Jain演唱会前的那天下午去逛了DC向公众的免费开放的史密森尼国家动物园，熊猫馆前人山人海，工作人员拿着个喇叭冲游客喊“大家都朝前走朝前走啊，带小孩来的让小孩到前排来看熊猫。”自己不爱凑热闹也不爱排队，出于关心从中国来的动物的心理扫了两眼玻璃窗后专心啃竹子的熊猫便直奔鬃狼馆去了，还很兴奋地和长得像长腿版狐狸的鬃狼合了影。个人最喜欢的动物一直是狐狸，小时候读《伊索寓言》的时候就不是很理解为什么狐狸总被刻画成一副反派角色的样子，明明是在大自然中习得的生存的智慧却总要被说成是邪恶与狡猾，觉得狐狸有着尖尖的鼻子和毛绒绒的耳朵的外在形象是既精致又漂亮还可爱的。觉得法语动画电影《大坏狐狸的故事》里面对狐狸形象的刻画倒是挺准确且符合自己心目中形象的，每次看狐狸在雪地里捕食不太聪明的样子的视频总会被可爱到捂心口。看完鬓狼之后便打车早早地去了演唱会的场馆，上楼找卫生间准备补妆的时候被工作人员误会，指着一扇门跟我说那是Jain的休息室，她现在人就在里面哦，可以进去和她打个招呼的。觉得既然是休息室，又是演唱会开始前属于她自己的私人休息时间，便没有去打扰她，补完妆便下楼去等演唱会开场了。后来在网上刷到有粉丝拍到她在别处开完演唱会后在场馆后门抽烟的视频，录视频的人问可不可以采访她，她嘴上说着好但是眼神却有抗拒和防备的意思，当即便关了视频窗口没有再看下去，也庆幸当初在演唱会开场前没有去她的休息室打扰她。

I remember the afternoon before going to Jain’s concert, I visited the Smithsonian National Zoo in DC, which is open to the public for free. In front of the panda exhibition area, there was a huge crowd. A staff member was using a megaphone to tell visitors, “Please move forward, move forward! If you brought kids, let them come to the front to see the pandas.” I’m not a big fan to join big crowds or wait in lines, so after glancing briefly at the pandas chewing bamboo behind the glass—out of concern for the animals from China—I headed straight to the maned wolf exhibition area. I was really excited to take a photo with the maned wolf, which looks like a long-legged fox.

Foxes have always been my favorite animal. When I was a kid reading Aesop’s Fables, I never understood why foxes are always portrayed as villains. They actually embody natural survival wisdom, but people keep labeling them as cunning and evil. I find their pointed noses and fluffy ears both delicate, beautiful, and adorable. The French animated film The Big Bad Fox and Other Tales captures the fox’s character in a way that really matches how I percieve them. Whenever I watch videos of foxes hunting awkwardly in the snow, looking not so smart, I am always so touched by its cuteness.

Fox hunting in the snow: https://youtu.be/OdTvYMlRO9g?si=MrePNAa8ujLB4_Xf

After visiting the maned wolves, I took a taxi early to the concert venue. When I went upstairs to find the restroom and touched up my makeup, a staff member mistakenly thought I was looking for Jain. He pointed to a door and said, “That’s Jain’s break room. She’s inside right now—you can go in and say hi.” Since it was her private space and time before the concert started, I decided not to disturb her. After finishing my makeup, I went downstairs to wait for the show to begin.

Later, I saw a fan video online showing Jain smoking behind the venue after another concert. The person filming asked if they could interview her, and though she verbally agreed, her eyes showed hesitation and defensiveness. I closed the video immediately and was glad I hadn’t disturbed her in her break room before the concert.

在巴黎的街头闲逛的时候发现当地抽烟的人口还是不少的，讨厌烟味的我经常要在街头左躲右闪以躲避朝我的方向吞云吐雾的人。也问过身边有烟瘾的人，抽烟的目的都好像是为了放松神经，大学时期学业压力重开始酗酒的时候都没有考虑过尝试香烟，因为得知我抽烟学医的母亲和爷爷大概会让死得我比抽烟更快。母亲在我小时候参加过学校的解剖实验，回来告诉我说学校里用来做医学研究的大体多是年纪轻轻就不学好坏事做尽伤透了家人的心，遭遇事故去世后也无人愿意来认领的社会青年，胸腔剖开的时候本因是粉红健康年轻的肺却是比一些几十年烟龄的老烟枪还要黑。自那以后便完全没有尝试抽烟的想法。和瑞典小孩成为朋友后因为他知道我不喜欢烟味，有时候一起和在Nation认识的朋友们出去玩的时候他还会嬉皮笑脸地故意往我脸上吐烟，我死亡凝视他的时候还要被身边的朋友提醒：“瑞典打小孩犯法哦。”在苹果为数不多地和同事进行不反感的谈话内容也是被告知韩国的街头有专门的吸烟室，法律规定必须只能在那里面吸烟，我听了：建议全球推广。

While wandering the streets of Paris, I noticed quite a few people smoke on the streets. Since I really dislike the smell of smoke, I often have to dodge left and right on the street to avoid clouds of smoke being blown in my direction. I’ve also asked friends who smoke, and it seems like most do it to relax and calm their nerves. Back in college, when the academic pressure was heavy and I started binge drinking, but I never considered trying cigarettes—mainly because I knew my mom and grandpa, both medical professionals, would kill me before smoking does.

When I was little, my mom told me about her experience participating in anatomy labs at medical school. She said that many cadavers used for medical research were young people who had gone astray, broken their families’ hearts, and died from accidents with no one willing to claim their bodies. When their chest cavities were opened, their lungs—though supposed to be pink and healthy—were often blacker than those of heavy smokers with decades of smoking history. After hearing that, I never had any desire to try smoking.

After becoming friends with a Swedish kid who knew I hated smoke, sometimes when we went out with friends met at the Nation, he would playfully blow smoke in my face intentionally. When I gave him a death glare, friends nearby would joke, “You know, hitting kids is illegal in Sweden.” One of the few casual conversations I had with coworkers at Apple was about smoking laws in Korea, where there are designated smoking rooms on the streets and the law requires people to smoke only there. I thought: this should be promoted worldwide.

但出于对朋友的尊重，从来没强迫过任何人戒烟，因为每次有人来劝我戒酒的时候总会被我不客气地一口回绝，对肝的重视程度完全比不及自己的宝贝肺。在苹果工作时周五的晚上更是把在宜家买的半打烈酒小酒杯一字排开，倒上伏特加或者威士忌，听着Sia的那首Chandelier，一到歌词中唱到“One, two, three, one, two, three, drink”就给自己灌一杯，一首歌听完，半打酒也被我喝干净。

喝醉时的反应也是逐年不同的，高中的时候喝得微醺会开始背元素周期表，大学的时候喝醉了会开始找微积分的题来做为自证没喝醉，到了研究生的时候在自己的晚餐聚会上，因为对自己之前的一段感情是真的释怀了，会开始和饭桌上的同学朋友分享，再顺便骂上两句根本不值得自己投注任何感情的那个男的，还能开上自己几句玩笑，以前是无论如何在任何情况下都不愿意开口提任何一个字的，就算提到也没什么真话，也只能感慨时间确实能抚平一切情绪。

也问过认识的瑞典小孩，说觉得我以后要找什么样的人作对象呢，自己是绝对不可能找喜欢过的人的任何意义上的复制品的，以后也只能和南欧人做朋友了，对方表示同意还说自己的几任女友也几乎没什么共通点，要找可以给自己全新体验截然不同的人。

But out of respect for my friends, I’ve never forced anyone to quit smoking—just like how whenever someone tries to persuade me to stop drinking, I bluntly refuse. My liver’s health can’t compare to how much I cherish my lungs.

We all have our little additions: https://youtu.be/B5a5vBzwLkM?si=9MCmQWZzFuZs_SXu

When I worked at Apple, Friday nights were a ritual: I’d line up half a dozen small shot glasses I bought from IKEA, fill them with hard liquor such as vodka or whiskey, and listen to Sia’s Chandelier. Every time the lyrics hit “One, two, three, one, two, three, drink,” I’d pour a shot down my throat. By the end of the song, I’d have finished all the shots.

My reactions to being drunk have changed over the years. In high school, when tipsy, I’d start reciting the periodic table of elements. In college, when drunk, I’d tackle calculus problems just to prove I wasn’t wasted. By grad school, at my own dinner parties, once I truly let go of a past heartbreak, I’d share the story with friends at the table, throwing a few cuss about that guy who wasn’t worth any emotion in the beginning, and even make some jokes about myself. I used to never want to mention him, and if I did, I’d never speak honestly—now I realize how time really does heal all wounds.

I once asked a Swedish kid I know what kind of person I should date onwards, and I also said I’d never want anyone who’s even remotely like someone who I used to like, and I can only be friends with Southern Europeans from now on, and he agreed with me on that, because his ex-girlfriends had almost nothing in common. He also said I should find someone who can give me a completely new and different experience.

DC有很多法国的移民，一些街道的城设在当初没有去过法国的我也能一眼看出是完全模仿巴黎市中心的布局规划，后来到了巴黎也确认了这一点。来看演唱会的有很多是带小孩来的家长，和奶酪去看演唱会的情形相似，大多数都是以家庭为单位出行，自己一副东亚人的长相站在偏前排的位置反而显得有些突兀了。有头发卷卷长得像我妹妹的小孩眨巴着长睫毛的大眼睛好奇地打量我，还试图用法语问我问题，在我没听清俯身准备问她的时候却被她的妈妈拉走，还一边跟她讲说 “不要去打扰别人啦”，一边用英文向我道歉。当晚的演唱会上听到了最喜欢的那首Come，整个舞台一直是Jain穿着她标志性的白领黑裙一个人在满场跑，从合成器再换到吉他，一个人顶一个乐队。演出间隙也会说着带着法语腔的英文和观众互动，可爱至极。演出结束后大概预感到她会出来和观众互动，便上楼买了周边T恤后下楼边刷手机边等着。过了一刻钟之后Jain换了演出服穿着有莱雅公主图案的星战T出来，自己等她和现场的小孩子们合完影之后上前去用不太流利的法语跟她说：Je t'aime beaucoup et tu as beaucoup de fans en Chine !（我很喜欢你，你在中国也有很多粉丝哦！）合完影后拿出口红请她在我临时在包里翻到的一张名片背后签了名，记得她当时低着头一笔一划很认真地写完她的名字之后还给我画了一颗红心。回学生宿舍之后也赶紧用胶带封了起来，那支口红也小心收藏起来没再用过。

There are many French immigrants in DC, and some street layouts in the city are clearly modeled after the central districts of Paris—something I could tell even before I had been to France. Later, when I visited Paris, I confirmed that for myself.

Many of the people who came to the concert were parents with their children. Similar to the situation when Nello went to the concert, most of them traveled as a family. I, with my East Asian looks, somehow looked a bit out of place standing in the front row.

There was a curly-haired little girl who looked like my younger sister, with big eyes and long eyelashes, curiously observing me. She even tried to ask me something in French, but before I could lean down and ask her to repeat the question, her mother pulled her away, saying, “Don’t disturb her,” then apologized to me in English.

During the concert, I heard my favorite song, Come. The whole stage was just Jain in her signature white-collared black dress, running around the stage alone, switching from synthesizer to guitar—one person playing the role of an entire band. Between songs, she spoke to the audience in English with a French accent, which was incredibly charming.

After the show, sensing she might come out to meet the audience, I went upstairs to buy a merch T-shirt and then came back downstairs, scrolling through my phone while waiting. After about fifteen minutes, Jain reappeared wearing a Star Wars T-shirt with a Leia princess design. After she took pictures with some kids nearby, I approached her and said in my not-so-fluent French, “Je t’aime beaucoup et tu as beaucoup de fans en Chine!” (I like you a lot, and you have many fans in China!)

After taking a photo together, I took out my lipstick and asked her to sign the back of a business card I found in my bag. I remember she bowed her head and carefully wrote her name, then drew a little red heart for me.

Back at the dormitory, I carefully taped the business card up, and the lipstick I asked her to sign for me has been kept safe and unused ever since.

一来二去便这样和奶酪熟络起来，有一次参与学校节日主题的酒吧串游，自己又没什么应景的着装，想到奶酪圣诞晚餐的时候戴的毛茸茸的圣诞帽子，便尝试问他能不能借给我，也是很爽快的拿给我了。后来有一次在学校遇到不顺心的事，下课后回到学生公寓见到他的时候实在没忍住眼泪往下掉，为了不让我在其他人面前难堪，也是被他领到他的房间，递蛋糕给我吃，坐在我身边陪我说话安慰我，给我一个拥抱。

很多人在社交媒体上和现实生活中给人感觉是完全相反的，奶酪给我的感觉在现实抑或是虚拟世界中的存在都是鲜活生动可爱的，很受家人朋友们的宠爱。小小年纪却做得一手好菜，平时在公寓做饭的时候也经常看到一些同学请教他厨艺相关的问题，准备年夜饭的时候因为想要做太多菜，时间上有些来不及，结果请来吃饭的同学朋友却都主动提出要帮忙，自己只是简单跟奶酪说了一下配北京烤鸭的黄瓜和大葱要怎么切便转头忙别的菜式去了，后来转身再一看已经被切得很细致地摆在盘子里，后来再聚餐遇到来帮忙的总会拿奶酪切的黄瓜和大葱的图片给别人当模板，遇到切得不好的男生还会来上一句非常有中国家长特色的评价：你看看人家奶酪再看看你！俨然是把他当成了“别人家的小孩” 。让奶酪帮我做西班牙番茄面包的时候也只是简单和他讲了做法就去忙别的事了，结果坐到饭桌前开饭的时候才发现他不仅把番茄泥涂得很工整，连摆盘和百里香的摆放都是看上去毫不费力的精致，不禁感叹说： “以后哪个女生走大运嫁给你那可真的算是顿顿都是在享用法式高级料理诶！” 偶尔在网上刷到负面新闻，或是在生活中遇到不太顺心的事情，点开Instagram的时候正好看到他发了新的动态，一张张关于他的生活碎片相片看过去的同时也感觉自己的情绪被治愈了一些。后来和妈妈聊天的时候提到他也说：好像不是所有男生都那么讨厌诶。近几年来第一次觉得一个男生在这个世界上的存在是如此美好的，也不再完全排斥和男性打交道了。

Gradually, I became quite close with Nello. Once, before participating in a holiday-themed pub crawl, I didn’t have any festive outfit, so I thought of the fluffy Christmas hat Nello wore at the Christmas dinner and asked if I could borrow it. He happily lend it to me without hesitation.

Another time, after a tough day at school, I came back to the student apartment and couldn’t hold back my tears when I saw him. Not wanting me to feel embarrassed in front of others, he took me to his room, gave me some cake, sat beside me, comforted me with kind words, and gave me a hug.

Many people seem completely different online than in real life, but Nello gives me a feeling just as lively, genuine, and adorable both in person and on social media. He is well-loved by his family and friends. Despite his young age, he’s an excellent cook. When he’s cooking in the apartment’s shared kitchen, other students often come to him for culinary advice.

When I was preparing Chinese New Year’s Eve dinner and wanted to make too many dishes, running out of time, the friends who came over all offered to help. I just briefly told Nello how to cut cucumbers and scallions to go with Peking duck and then went off to work on other dishes. When I turned back, I found the vegetables had been cut neatly and arranged on plates. Later, at other gatherings, I would show those who helped the pictures of Nello’s perfectly cut cucumbers and scallions as an example. If a guy did a poor job, I would jokingly say to him in a very typical Chinese-parent style: “Look at Nello, now look at you!” — treating Nello like the “perfect child” everyone wishes for.

Once I asked Nello to help me make Pan con Tomate. I just explained the recipe briefly and went back to other things. When we sat down to eat, I was amazed to find not only was the tomato paste spread very neatly, but even the plating and sprigs of thyme looked effortlessly elegant. I couldn’t help but say, “Any girl lucky enough to marry you in the future will be enjoying gourmet French fine dining every single day!”

Sometimes I see negative news online, or encounter something unpleasant in life, and when I open Instagram, I happen to see his new updates. As I look at the photos of his life fragments, I feel that my emotions are lifted a little.

Later, when chatting with my mom, I mentioned Nello to her and said, “Looks like not all guys are so bad after all.”

For the first time in years, I truly felt that a boy’s presence in this world could be so wonderful, and I no longer completely shied away from interacting with men.

出发去巴黎前收到了在网上下单的索尼 WH-1000XM5降噪耳机，兴奋到连发三条Instagram Story记录当时的心情。因为从小学琴，据妈妈说出生前都一直在给我听古典交响乐当胎教，听觉被开发得较早，是绝对音准的同时对声音也一直相当敏感，甚至可以说是过度敏感。一次暑期实习的时候在公司楼下的食堂吃饭，自己被工作人员在收一整摞餐盘的时候搞出的噪音惊得汗毛直竖，和同事的对话也因此暂停，再一看对方完全没有被打扰到的样子，还很奇怪觉得对方是不是听觉出了什么问题。一些人觉得完全可以忽略的键盘打字声对于听觉敏感的我也是难以忍受。有时候在上海逛街因为忘带耳机，总是被街上各种噪声折磨到在焦虑发作的边缘。在用索尼的降噪耳机之前每次搭越洋航班总因为被飞机的发动机和气流噪声吵到难以合眼，除非是处于极度疲劳的状态，在客舱内总是难以入睡。在学校也基本上都是不在公共空间里学习，而是一定要去到寂静无人的实验室或者学习室，好在乌普萨拉校园的装修隔音效果都是极佳的，通常把门或窗一关外界的什么声音也都听不到了。有时候考试的时候幸运的话会遇到提供隔音耳塞给学生使用，运气没那么好的话每次有人进出考场的时候总会被开门和脚步声打扰到，无法专心考试。后来读索尼创始人盛田昭夫的传记说，因为追求品质，索尼的耳机研发部门都是请音乐系的学生或者音乐家参与产品测试并提意见的，所以可以代表行业内的顶尖水平。就使用感受而言自己也觉得索尼耳机是自己用过的产品当中最好的，已经对降噪耳机产生了依赖的地步。因为要写博客在回看在巴黎街头录的视频的时候总是被视频里陌生的背景音惊扰到，再一回想，当时不论是在压马路还是在骑车，都是在带着降噪耳机听音乐的，除了音量较大的人声和汽车喇叭声其他是一概听不见的。后来有一次忘了带耳机在乌普萨拉出门的时候才发现自己讨厌的是人为制造的噪音，自然音自己是一点都不反感排斥的，在上海工作时有时候早上四点就会被鸟叫声吵醒，却一点也不生气，但如果是被保洁车或者摩托车的噪声吵醒，那肯定是要骂街的。喜欢索尼这个品牌的原因大概一直是过硬的质量以及其产品能在这个喧闹的世界给我带来无损音质的平静，在国内念书连考了三次班级前五后妈妈买给我的MP4 NWZ-E470用了13年至今完好无损，开玩笑说索尼唯一赚不到我钱的两个部门大概是PlayStation和电视，因为自己不爱玩游戏也很少看电视，在中国没有营业部的投影仪倒是被我在上海自家公寓搞装修的时候搞到一台，给自己装配了一个小型家庭影院，偶尔看到赛车比赛的车往屏幕前开的桥段时，都会因为配置的索尼音响所营造身临其境的听觉效果而被惊到而身体在沙发上微微后倾。在钢筋水泥的现代都市待久了，难免会觉得和自然脱离了联系而觉得精神世界受到损伤，有时候晚上还会把索尼的音响搬到卧室里放一整夜的森林环境音，模拟户外露营的环境来帮助自己入睡，还没有虫子和细菌的困扰。

Before leaving for Paris, I received the Sony WH-1000XM5 noise-cancelling headphones I had ordered online, and I was so excited that I posted three Instagram Stories in a row to capture the moment of pure joy. Since I started learning piano in elementary school, and according to my mom, even before I was born, she played classical symphonies for me as prenatal music, my hearing developed early. I have perfect pitch and have always been very sensitive—some might say overly sensitive—to sounds.

During a summer internship once, I was eating in the company cafeteria downstairs when the staff suddenly stacked a huge pile of trays noisily, which startled me so much that I froze, stopping a conversation with the colleague. Looking over, my colleague didn’t seem bothered at all, which made me wonder if something was wrong with their hearing. Even keyboard typing sounds, which many find negligible, are difficult for me to tolerate.

Sometimes when I went shopping in Shanghai and forget my headphones, the noise of the streets pushes me close to anxiety attacks. Before I started using Sony’s noise-cancelling headphones, I could never sleep well on long-haul flights because of the loud engine and airflow noises unless I was extremely exhausted. On campus, I almost never study in public spaces—I always find quiet, empty labs or study rooms. Luckily, the campus building at Uppsala University has excellent soundproofing, and when doors or windows are closed, outside noise disappears completely.

During exams, if I’m lucky, they provide earplugs, but usually, every time someone enters or leaves the room, the sound of doors and footsteps would distract me, making it hard to focus.

Later, after reading the biography of Sony’s founder Akio Morita, I learned that to pursue high quality, Sony’s headphone R&D team involves students who major in instruments and professional musicians in product testing and feedback, which explains why their headphones represent industry-leading standards. From my experience, Sony headphones are definitely the best I’ve ever used, and I’ve grown dependent on their noise cancelling features.

在巴黎的街头骑车。/ Cycling through the streets of Paris.

When writing my blog and reviewing videos I recorded on the streets of Paris, I’m always bothered by the strange background noises captured in the clips. But then I recall that whether I was strolling or cycling, I was wearing noise-cancelling headphones listening to music. Apart from loud voices and car horns, I couldn’t hear much else.

Once I forgot my headphones while going out in Uppsala and realized that what I truly dislike is artificial noise. Natural sounds don’t bother me at all. When I worked in Shanghai, sometimes bird chirping at 4 a.m. would wake me up, but I wasn’t annoyed. However, if I was woken by cleaning trucks or motorbikes, I would definitely be annoyed and curse.

I’ve always liked Sony because of its reliable quality and how its products bring me pure sound and calm in this chaotic world. Back when I was in school in China, after ranking top five in my class three times, my mom bought me a Sony MP4 player NWZ-E470, which has lasted 13 years and still works perfectly. Jokingly, the only two Sony divisions I never spend money on are PlayStation and TVs, since I’m not into gaming or watching TV much. But I do have a Sony projector at my Shanghai apartment, which I installed myself to create a small home theater. When watching racing scenes on the big screen, I’m always amazed by how the Sony sound system makes me feel like I’m right there, leaning back slightly on the sofa.

Living in a concrete jungle for too long, it’s easy to feel disconnected from nature and mentally drained. Sometimes at night, I bring the Sony speakers into my bedroom and play forest ambient sounds all night to simulate camping outdoors—without the bugs and germs—to help me fall asleep.

前一副索尼降噪耳机被偷之后靠自己备用的廉价耳机度过了一段艰难的日子，不过在学校的课间也因为不能带上耳机躲进自己的小世界里而开始和课上的同学聊天，因此也结交到了一些朋友，也给自己的博客积累到了不少素材。后来听因为耳机丢失后开始聊天熟络起来的同学们评价自己说“之前看你下课就带上耳机出去了，感觉很难接近的样子诶。” “平时也不怎么见你跟其他同学交流，神情也很冷漠，就算对你有好奇心也不敢接近。” “你是突然一次课间就坐到我旁边开始盘问我关于前苏联和俄罗斯的问题的。” 听了哑然失笑的同时也算在意料之中，毕竟也不是第一次自己收到这类评价了。后来还被期间认识的一些同学问说其实早就想来和我认识但一直没找到机会，问要是下次再有人想接近自己可以采取什么样的方式呢。放在以前不愿意与人建立情感联系的时期大概会冷冷地回复一句：我不想交朋友，你要学会自己对他人产生的情绪负责。到了瑞典后心态也平和些，大多时候对方来问我时也是一副诚恳的态度，便说：直接问我，可以直接以朋友的身份约我出门逛街看电影啊。还掏出手机说，你看我们至少是四个社交软件上的好友，证明我不反感你，所以直接问我就行了。

After my previous pair of Sony noise-cancelling headphones got stolen, I had to get through a tough period using a cheap backup set. Without my headphones, I couldn’t escape into my little world during class breaks, so I started chatting more with classmates and ended up making some friends. This also gave me plenty of material for my blog.

Later, some of these classmates, who had become closer after the headphone incident, told me things like, “When we saw you before, you’d just put on your headphones right after class and leave. You seemed really hard to approach.” “You rarely talked to others and always looked cold. Even if people were curious, they didn’t dare to come close.” “You suddenly sat next to me one day and started asking me questions about the former Soviet Union and Russia.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little because it was exactly what I expected—this wasn’t the first time I’d heard such comments. Some of those classmates also said they’d wanted to get to know me before but never found the chance, and they asked what they should do next time if they want to approach me.

Back when I didn’t want emotional connections and emotionally unavailable for pretty much everyone, I probably would have coldly replied, “I don’t want to make friends. You need to learn to take responsibility for your own feelings toward others.” But after moving to Sweden and calming down a bit, I usually tell them honestly—if you want to get to know me, just ask directly. You can invite me to hang out or watch a movie as friends. At certain point I pull out my phone and check then say, “Look, we’re friends on at least four social apps, so it proves I have nothing against you. All you need to do is to just ask me.”

去巴黎前的一个多月前因为丢了钱包又突然想去市中心的一家不收现金的越南餐馆吃越南河粉，便问奶酪能不能一起去。在学生公寓门口手里抓了两颗糖等着给他的时候对方也是时髦迟到了5分钟，相当符合心目中对法国人的刻板印象。了解到我有出行巴黎的计划后奶酪笑笑说：期望不要设立得太高哦，你有听说过日本游客中经常出现的巴黎症候群吗？巴黎有些不是游客常去的街区可能不会太干净整洁哦。

我：诶呀我就是去巴黎逛卢浮宫，拍建筑和吃法餐的啦！

奶酪：那就好，卢浮宫还是很好逛的。

注：“巴黎综合症” (Paris Syndrome)，又称“巴黎症候群”，是一种心理疾病，主要影响到对巴黎抱有高度浪漫化幻想的游客，尤其是日本游客，当他们实际体验与预期产生巨大落差时，便可能出现一系列心理和生理症状。

A little over a month before I left for Paris, I lost my wallet but suddenly had a craving to go to a Vietnamese restaurant downtown which doesn’t accept cash for some pho. So I asked Nello if he wanted to come along. I waited for him at the student apartment entrance, holding two candies to give him, but true to the stereotypical image I had of the French, he was fashionably five minutes late.

When he found out I was planning to visit Paris, Nello smiled and said, “Don’t set your expectations too high, okay? Have you heard of Paris Syndrome that often seen among Japanese tourists? Some neighborhoods in Paris that tourists don’t usually visit aren’t that clean or tidy.”

I said, “Oh, I didn’t set my expectation high, I’m just going to visit the Louvre, take pictures of architecture, and enjoy French fine dining!”

Nello replied, “That’s good, the Louvre is very nice to visit.”

Note: “Paris Syndrome” is a psychological condition mostly affecting tourists—especially Japanese visitors—who have highly romanticized expectations of Paris. When their real experience falls far short of those expectations, they may suffer a range of psychological and physical symptoms.

在巴黎入住的宾馆离《天使爱美丽》的取景地很近，第一天晚上入住的时候从戴高乐机场坐了很久的车，到宾馆的时候已经很晚，身心俱疲，前台的非裔工作人员慢吞吞地讲着法语口音的英文，办理入住的时候试图跟我寒暄，结果自己大小姐脾气当场发作直接很不客气地跟对方说：“不好意思我太累了现在完全不想讲话也没有耐心，请现在就把房卡给我，我要上去休息了”，接过对方慢悠悠递过来的房卡转身便走了，结果把护照落在了前台。到了房间放下行李小憩片刻便戴上了耳机出门吃完饭，因为自己身处巴黎，觉得随便在街上找一家餐馆闭着眼睛点出来的菜都会好吃，所以在宾馆附近找到一家人不是很多的亚洲融合餐厅，走进去入座。

饭后甜点香蕉萨莫萨三角饺。/ Banana samosas as dessert.

The hotel I stayed at in Paris was very close to the filming locations of Amélie. On the first night, after a long ride from Charles de Gaulle Airport, I arrived at the hotel quite late, exhausted both physically and mentally. The front desk was staffed by a slow-speaking African employee who spoke English with a French accent. When checking in, he tried to make small talk, but my temper flared up and said to them directly, “Sorry, I’m too tired right now and don’t feel like talking at all. Please just give me the room key, I want to go rest.” I took the slowly handed-over key and walked away, only to realize later that I’d left my passport at the front desk. After dropping my luggage in the room and resting briefly, I put on my headphones and went out to eat. Being in Paris, I felt like any restaurant I blindly picked on the street would serve absolutely delicious food, so I found a quiet Asian fusion place near the hotel and went inside to sit down.

第二天一早半梦半醒，妆也没化，顶着刚洗过还没吹干湿漉漉的头发就下楼吃早饭的时候被酒店的工作人员盯着看了很久，正坐在餐桌前对着面前的巧克力面包打哈欠的时候被叫住问房间号码并被告知昨晚把护照落在了前台，去前台的时候工作人员拿着我和另外一个欧洲女生的护照比对看了又看，再三确认才把我的那本递给我。

我*努力忍住起床气*：………………………（憋回想要脱口而出的：不要演了我一看就是东亚人长相好吗？！）

The next morning, still half asleep and without any makeup put on, with my hair wet and not yet dried, I went downstairs for breakfast. The hotel staff stared at me for a long time. While I was sitting at the table yawning over a pain au chocolat, a staff member called out and asked for my room number, telling me I had left my passport at the front desk the night before. When I went to the front desk, the staff carefully compared my passport with that of another European girl, checking again and again before finally handing mine over.

I *tried hard to hold back my morning grumpiness*: ……………………… (barely held back the urge to say, “Stop pretending, can’t you tell I’m obviously East Asian?!”)

小时候就被邻居家的叔叔评价说是“典型的汉族人长相”，在全家去奔驰4S店给母亲选车的时候也被店员评价“一家子都是大眼睛哦”，但因为自己发色不是东亚人常见的黑色而是别人要花钱漂出来的深棕色，经常被不怀好意地打量。又因为自己的颧骨偏高，面颊两侧又有向内凹陷的部分，不是刻板印象中亚洲人会有的面部特征，正常日光下脸的两侧看上去会有两片阴影，小时候经常被一些不是很亲近的亲戚拉过去以为是脸上有什么脏东西，还把手放在我脸上企图把它们蹭掉，让本就不喜欢与不亲近的人肢体接触的我更加讨厌对方。去美国念书后发现这种面部特征在白人脸上倒是很常见，也不再感到困扰。妹妹倒是从小就是一副混血儿的长相，还没学会走路时被保姆抱到公园晒太阳，就有附近电视台的人来问生得这么漂亮要不要去做童星，小时候她生病被母亲带去医院，以及周末搭公交出去玩的时候都会听到有其他小孩盯着她在问：妈妈那边那个女生长得好像外国人诶。

这时候小孩的妈妈总会去捂小孩的嘴：诶呀不要乱指别人。

小孩继续小声发问：可为什么她的妈妈是中国人呢？

小孩母亲：可能她爸爸是外国人或者新疆人吧。

每次母亲讲到这几段经历的时候全家都会爆笑。

When I was little, a neighbor uncle once said I had a “typical Han Chinese look.” When our whole family went to a Mercedes dealership to pick a car for my mother, a salesclerk commented, “You all have big eyes.” But because my hair color isn’t the usual black common among East Asians—it’s a deep brown shade that others usually have to pay to dye—I often got suspicious looks from people with bad intentions. Also, my cheekbones are quite high, and the sides of my face have slight inward hollows, which aren’t the typical facial features associated with Asians. In normal daylight, the shadows on the sides of my face stand out clearly. When I was a kid, some distant relatives who weren’t very close would pull me aside, thinking I had dirt on my face, and they’d try to wipe it off with their hands, making me even more uncomfortable because I’ve always disliked physical contact with people I’m not close to.

After I went to study in the U.S., I realized this facial feature is actually quite common among local white people, so I stopped feeling bothered by it. My younger sister, on the other hand, has always looked like a mixed-race child. Before she could even walk, when the nanny took her to the park to sunbathe, people from a nearby TV station asked if she wanted to be a child star because of how pretty she looked. When she was sick and taken to the hospital by our mom, or when they went out by bus on weekends, other kids would stare at her and ask, “Mom, that girl looks like a foreigner.”

At times like these, the other kids’ moms would cover their children’s mouths and say, “Hey, don’t point at people like that.”

But the kids would whisper and ask, “Why is her mom Chinese then?”

Their moms would reply, “Maybe her dad is a foreigner or from Xinjiang.”

Every time my mom tells these stories, the whole family bursts out laughing.

妹妹小时候确实长得像很精致的洋娃娃，长长的睫毛，大大的眼睛和自然卷大波浪的头发，完全不是刻板印象中东亚人的长相，后来上了高中还几次被学校的教导主任和老师拦下来批评，因为他们觉得她不学好没把心思放在学业上去烫了头。觉得她长得很像《天降美食》里的大眼睛小草莓，小时候模仿《大坏狐狸的故事》里小鸡说“阿姨你好”的给人感觉简直就是在听电影原声。由于她出生前中国还未取消独生子女政策，母亲只能和学校用得了传染性极强的肺炎不能见人只能回家静养的理由请假在家藏了一整子，而妹妹出生后一年才找人上了户口。妹妹成长过程中作为姐姐难免会和父母一同被问到“我是从哪里来的？”这种问题，因为年纪尚小未到接受性别教育的年龄，所以只能做出PG-13的回答，西方有送子鹤的传说，而中国有垃圾桶里捡来的理论，又因为妹妹像混血儿的长相每次和她解释的时候都会加入很多细节，最终版本就是：“你是妈妈去巴黎出差的时候在香榭丽舍大街上的香奈儿后门的垃圾桶里捡回来的。”（虽然后来真的去了巴黎发现香榭丽舍大街上是一个垃圾桶也没有，也算印证了我妹出生即黑户的事实（不是

后来因为被送出国念书，和妹妹的接触交流也少了，每次放假回去和她比身高的时候总是感慨时光飞逝，出发去瑞典念书前再作比较发现已然是比我还高了。

因为工作压力而休假在家休养期间也难得有了大量和妹妹相处的时间，因为她在学校的英语成绩一直很好（更加坐实了混血儿的身份（不是，所以便开始教她讲一些法语。

我：猪在法语里是cochon

妹妹：cochon

我：肉在法语里是viande

妹妹：viande

我：那猪肉用法语怎么说？

妹妹*充满自信*：Cochon viande!

我*坏笑*：不对！是porc! 把英文的k改成c就行了!

妹妹*(╬≖_≖)*：#￥%#￥……%#￥&￥#&￥#%……#%

我：至少你现在记得三个法语单词了不是么:D

妹妹*(╬≖_≖)*：#￥%#￥……%#￥&￥#&￥#%……#%

My little sister really did look like a delicate doll when she was young—long eyelashes, big eyes, and naturally curly, wavy hair—completely unlike the typical East Asian appearance. When she got to high school, she was even stopped a few times by the school’s head teacher and other staff because they thought she wasn’t focusing on her studies and was spending time curling her hair. I think she looked a lot like the big-eyed little strawberry from the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and when she used to imitate the little chick saying “Bonjour Madame” from The Big Bad Fox and Other Tales, it was like listening to the actual movie soundtrack.

Because she was born before China canceled the one-child policy, my mother had to ask the school for leave, citing a highly contagious pneumonia to avoid being visited, so she could hide and rest at home for a few months before my sister was born. My sister’s household registration was only completed a year after her birth. As her older sister, I was often asked with my parents the awkward question, “Where do babies come from?” Since she was too young to have received proper sex education, we had to give a PG-13 answer. In the West, there’s the legend where the stork drop off the babies at the doorstep, and in China, there’s the “picked up from a trash can” theory. Because of my sister’s mixed-race appearance, we added many extra details when explaining, and the final version was: “You were found by Mom during one of her business trips in a trash can behind the Chanel store on the Champs-Élysées in Paris.” (Although when I later actually went to Paris, I discovered there wasn’t a single trash can on the Champs-Élysées, which just confirms my sister’s actual status without official registration—though not really.)

After she went abroad to study, I had less chance to see her. Every time I went home for a holiday and compared our heights, I was amazed at how fast time flew by. Before I left for Sweden to study, we compared again, and she was already taller than me.

During a my break at home due to work stress, I had a lot more time to spend with my sister. Since her English was always very good at school (further proving her ‘mixed-race’ identity—not really), I started teaching her some French.

Me: “Pig in French is cochon.”

Sister: “Cochon.”

Me: “Meat in French is viande.”

Sister: “Viande.”

Me: “So how do you say pork in French?”

Sister (confidently): “Cochon viande!”

Me (grinning): “Nope! It’s porc! Just change the ‘k’ in English to a ‘c’!”

Sister (making a frustrated face): #￥%#￥……%#￥&￥#&￥#%……#%

Me: “At least you remembered three French words, right? :D”

Sister (still frustrated): #￥%#￥……%#￥&￥#&￥#%……#%

大学的时候在工程学院念书，在男极多女极少的大环境下，对男女交往完全没什么兴趣的我只有两个选择：要么被二十出头的同龄男女生追，要么干脆融入变成一位理工男，当时已经是短发男生打扮的我自然选择了后者。而那个时候偏无性恋倾向的我难免有被同龄人青春期旺盛肆意散发的荷尔蒙冲撞到的无数时刻，也见识到了男男女女被情欲操控时为了勾搭你什么鬼话都说得出口，什么烂事都干得出来的样子，简单举几个例子：

有很多次经历过对方开着摩托车/跑车/游艇在我面前经过企图引起我的主意的，意思暗示以后物质生活上不会亏待我。

从未在物质生活上被家人亏待过从未在精神生活上被自己亏待过的我：据科学研究表明，男性某方面越小就越可能购买跑车的诶:D

/

一次新搬到我公寓对门的邻居来敲门：你来帮我关一下冰箱门好吗？

当时完全听不懂暗示作为资深理工女的我看他家比较敞亮而且他长得又比我瘦小就去了，真的只是关了一下半开的冰箱门，后来还把我放在公寓门口作为万圣节装饰的南瓜移了一个放到他门前去。

我*表示费解*：这人别是有病吧？

觉得被打扰到就火速搬回中国当工程师去了。（倒不是因为这个

/

也有被女生勾搭过，跑来和我说喜欢听自己发在朋友圈的一个乐队，细问下去却一首代表作都讲不出来，当时身边的朋友家人同学都提醒我要注意，别做出误导别人的举动。

我*木讷理工女嘴脸*：别这样带着恶意揣测别人嘛，她只是想交朋友罢了

结果在对方发现我真的只是在把她当普通同学相处后，迅速找了一个我的低配版还在朋友圈发了床照公开关系之后才意识到她当时接近我就是动机不纯。后来还带着她的新女友不甘心地多次在我公寓附近出没，美国校园可是很大的，学生宿舍也分布得很零星，大多数人不刻意约出来根本见不到，而到了乌普萨拉每天出门散步都能遇到两三个熟人。

我：……………………………………………….

/

还有拿自己的同乡娶了一位白俄罗斯女生而来我面前炫耀企图靠白人的配偶的老乡的身份给自己抬身价的。

我*头也不抬，不想参与这种新殖民主义语境下有白人主义至上和种姓制度倾向的对话*：我家公寓的管家之一也是白俄罗斯人，你是想来给我看门？

/

还有在学校每年的诗歌朗诵比赛背我前一年就选过的诗的。

我：只要长得足够丑就算在我面前把大英百科背下来也没用。

/

高中时参与过霸凌我且从未添加过任何联系方式的男生，大学的时候突然申请关注我的私人社交账号，觉得莫名其妙，点了忽略申请后被对方反复再次申请，后来才发现是因为当时是和他女朋友分手了在四处勾搭女生。

/

因为大学的时候住了很久的酒店式公寓，所以后来工作有时候周末要加班，为了减少通勤时间，有时候会周五晚上买堆零食去住公司附近的酒店，早上下楼去酒店的餐厅吃早饭，再看部电影吃点零食后直接去公司加班，对极度讨厌做家务的我而言非常省事，而且又有一种回到大学时住的公寓的熟悉感，结果被以为是有住酒店的爱好。

对方：我出差来上海住的可是高档酒店哦

我：我的高中校友可是开高档酒店的哦

/

也被以对方是来自欧洲某平均薪资高，国民人均长寿国家的理由介绍过比我大十多岁的男的。

我：如果我真的想要嫁一个我不爱的人的话，那他不应该极度富有且非常短命么？没事活那么长威胁谁啊？

/

有第一次见面就在我面前炫耀持枪证，并生动讲述讲自己怎样被前女友甩了之后抽烟喝酒过量到被送进医院的。

/

还有工作午休时间吃午饭坐在我对面看我看得出神直接在我的餐盘里夹了一口菜的，吓得我后来每次午休的时候只敢一个人坐着吃饭了。

/

对方：了解你之后发现你真是一位宝藏女孩诶

我：不要说网络流行语了真的很土

对方：你弹钢琴的样子好有气质呀

我：你好恶心啊（不是我刻薄，这个男的被我拒绝后带头霸凌我，还在机场当着我和很多人的面自慰）

对方：你是我的梦中情人

我：那你醒醒吧

对方：我有绿卡

我：我不想有丑又蠢的小孩，而且如果这是关于你这个人唯一有趣的一点的话，那你还挺可怜的。

对方：你是我的灵感缪斯

我：我是你爹

对方：斯人若彩虹

我：你不配拥有

对方：你穿衣搭配品味不错诶

我：是你人丑穿什么都不好看

对方：跟你一起走在街上感觉很有面子

我：跟你走在一起让我很没面子你还影响市容

对方：你走路的样子很有气势诶，像模特走台步，喜欢看

我：诶哟看男模走秀学的这都被你看出来了，喜欢看的话你确定你100%直的？金赛量表链接拿去测一下性取向：https://www.idrlabs.com/kinsey-scale/test.php （因为一直没遇到喜欢的人+细菌恐惧症，本人每次测出来都是无性恋罢了）

对方：你很有灵气哦

我：是你浊气重罢了

对方：你做菜很厉害，肯定不缺男生喜欢吧

我：正因为缺喜欢的人才有空研究做菜

对方：你好稀有（rare）

我：我不是没煎熟的牛排

When I was in college studying at the engineering school, where guys far outnumbered girls, and having no interest in dating, I basically had only two choices: either be pursued by guys and girls in their early twenties or just blend in and become one of the engineering dudes. Since I have already dressed and cut my hair like a short-haired guy, I naturally chose the latter.

Back then, leaning toward asexuality, I inevitably encountered many moments when I was overwhelmed by the rampant hormones of my peers going through their puberty. I also witnessed how men and women, driven by lust, would say anything and do anything just to hook you up. Here are some quick examples:

Many times I saw guys drive past me on motorcycles, sports cars, or yachts, trying to catch my attention, implying they’d take good care of me materially in the future.
Me, who has never lacked materially or spiritually in life: According to science, the smaller a man’s certain part is, the more likely he is to buy a sports car. :D
Once a new neighbor who moved in right across my apartment knocked on my door: “Could you help me close my fridge door?”
At the time, I didn’t understand the hint at all. As a well-seasoned engineering girl, I just thought his place was pretty bright and he was smaller and skinnier than me, so I went over and simply closed the half-opened fridge door. Later, he even moved one of the pumpkins I used as a Halloween decoration from my apartment entrance to his.
Me, confused: What is this guy’s problem then?
I felt so disturbed that I moved back to China to work as an engineer immediately. (Joking, not because of this, though.)
I was also hit on by girls. One told me she liked a band I posted on social media. But when I asked for her favourite song, she couldn’t name a single one. My friends and family warned me to be careful not to lead people on.
Me, with my typical blunt engineering girl face: “Don’t be so suspicious of people; she probably just wanted to be friends.”
But after she realized I really just saw her as a classmate, she quickly found a ‘lower-tier’ and ‘ugly lookalike’ version of me and even posted photos of them in bed on social media to show off their relationship. Later, she came around near my apartment several times with her new girlfriend, unwilling to let go. The US campus is quite huge and dorms are scattered, so if you don’t make plans ahead, you can rarely meet anyone. But in Uppsala, I could see two or three acquaintances every day when I went out for my daily strolls.
Me: ……………………………………….
There was also a guy whose fellow townsman married a Belarusian girl, and then tried to boost his status in front of me by showing off his ‘superior’ identity through his fellow townsman’s white spouse.
Me, without even looking up and unwilling to engage in conversations laden with new colonialism, white supremacy, and caste undertones: “One of the doormen in my apartment is Belarusian too. Do you want to apply for a job to guard my door?”
Every year, at the school poetry recitation contest, someone would recite the poem I had chosen the previous year.
Me: “Not gonna work even if you recite the entire Encyclopedia Britannica in front of me as long as you are ugly and creepy enough.”
A guy who participated in bullying me in high school suddenly sent a friend request on my private social media during college. Feeling confused, I ignored it. He kept sending requests. Later I found out he had just broken up with his girlfriend and was fishing for girls everywhere.
Since I lived long-term in a serviced apartment in college, when I started working and sometimes had to work overtime on weekends, I’d buy snacks Friday night and stay at a hotel near the company to cut down on commuting time and save my own energy after work. I’d eat breakfast in the hotel restaurant, watch a movie, snack, then go straight to work. I absolutely hate housework, so it was really convenient and felt like being back in college. But people thought I just take staying in hotels as a hobby.
Him: “I stay in high-end hotels for business trips.”
Me: “My high school alumni owns high-end hotels.”
Someone introduced me to a man more than ten years older than me, justifying it by saying he was from a European country with high average salaries, generous social welfare system and long life expectancy.
Me: “If I really wanted to marry someone I didn’t love, wouldn’t he be extremely rich and also very short-lived? Are you threating me by living that long with so little money of yours?”
There was a first meeting where a guy bragged about having a gun permit, and vividly told how his ex dumped him, causing him to smoke and drink excessively until he was hospitalized.
Once during lunch break at work, someone sat opposite to me, stared at me so intently and his mind slips, and then actually took a bite off my plate. After that, I only dared to eat alone during lunch breaks.
Him: “After getting to know you, you really are a hidden treasure (trendy Chinese internet slang that year), you know.”
Me: “Stop using internet slang, it’s really cheesy.”
Him: “You look so elegant when you play the piano.”
Me: “You’re disgusting.” (Not being mean — this guy led bullying me after I rejected him, and even masturbated in front of me and others at the airport.)
Him: “You’re the girl of my dream.”
Me: “Then wake the hell up.”
Him: “I have a green card.”
Me: “And I don’t want to have ugly, dumb children. And if that’s the only thing interesting about you and your only selling point, you’re quite pathetic.”
Him: “You’re my muse.”
Me: “I’m your dad.”
Him: “You’re like a rainbow in the sky.”
Me: “You don’t deserve me in your life.”
Him: “Your fashion sense is good.”
Me: “You’re ugly, nothing looks good on you.”
Him: “Walking with you makes me look good.”
Me: “Walking with you makes look me bad and you also set a bad image for the city’s streetscape.”
Him: “You walk with such confidence, like a model on a runway—I love watching it.”
Me: “Oh really? I learned from male model runway shows—are you sure you’re 100% straight? Here’s a Kinsey scale test: https://www.idrlabs.com/kinsey-scale/test.php ” (Because I’ve never met anyone I liked + have germphobia, I always test as asexual.)
Him: “You’re so full of spirit.”
Me: “You are full of bad vibes.”
Him: “You cook really well, you must have lots of guys liking you.”
Me: “Exactly because I lack people which I like so I have time to cook.”
Him: “You’re rare.”
Me: “I’m not an undercooked steak.”

总结一下就是，一直想要找到一位能让自己心甘情愿周末在家为他做牛排晚餐的对象，结果遇到的大多数男的在张口的一瞬间总能让我产生往他们头上泼滚烫热粥让他们闭嘴的冲动。小时候就被同一个院子里的阿姨追着要同她儿子订娃娃亲，初中的时候就收到过夹在书里的情书，回想一下一直是不缺被人喜欢的，到了美国和瑞典留学后也有不少人因为一些对亚洲女生恶劣的刻板印象（“easy”）以各种脑残理由试图接近我，结果都是以发现我是非常难对付（extremely difficult）的地狱级难度而败兴而归，认识的人中有五大洲的人都谈过的，我听了之后冷笑：我是五大洲的都拒绝过。后来还遇到过讨好不成恼羞成怒变为疯狂辱骂我来引起我的注意力的，还不少，觉得莫名其妙，如果我都那么糟糕了，你这个蠢货还这么迷恋我，这不是脑子有问题是什么？虽然一直都很相信自己，但负面评价听多了还是会对自己心理状态造成负面影响，这就导致了后来无论如何都不相信会有人真的会发自内心地喜欢自己，最多也只会认为“他大概是不讨厌我的”。不过自己也在遇到喜欢的人后和认识的人提到他时沮丧到大叫：我对他而言相当好拿捏的好吗？他只要随便找一个借口问我出去就行了啊！我任由他摆布！后来想到自己喜欢的人可能似乎和自己差不多，平时工作繁忙，性格又是矜持害羞的，便也只能自己默默难过。

“Honey I’m home” 🥹: https://youtu.be/V2H2fpOQZAQ?si=rXa9-r8T_r0Gafnx

To sum it up: I've always hoped to find someone who could make me genuinely want to stay home on weekends and cook him a steak dinner. But in reality, most of the men I've met have this incredible talent — the moment they open their mouths and start talking, I get the overwhelming urge to pour a pot of boiling porridge over their heads just to shut them up.

Since I was a kid, an auntie from the same housing compound tried to set me up in a childhood engagement with her son. By middle school, I was already receiving love letters hidden in borrowed books that returned back to me. Looking back, I’ve never lacked attention or affection. When I studied in the US and Sweden, I encountered more people who approached me with terrible stereotypes about Asian women being “easy,” only to find out — much to their dismay — that I was extremely difficult, basically nightmare mode.

I’ve met people who’ve dated across five continents — and I just smirked: I’ve rejected people from all five.

Some couldn’t take the rejection and, when their attempts to please me failed, turned hostile and started insulting me, just to get my attention. I found it completely baffling — like, if I’m really that awful, what does it say about your pathetic obsession with me? There must be something seriously wrong with your brain.

Even though I’ve always believed in myself, hearing so many negative comments does eventually chip away at my mental state. Over time, I stopped believing that anyone could truly like me from the bottom of their heart. At best, I’d think: The best I can say is that he probably just doesn’t hate me.

That said, when I finally meet someone who I like, I found myself yelling in frustration when talking about him to people I trusted: “I’m ridiculously easy for him, okay?! All he has to do is come up with the tiniest excuse to ask me out and I’d say yes! I’d let him do whatever he wants!”

But then I realized… the person I liked might actually be a lot like me — always busy with work, shy and reserved by nature. So, I just kept the sadness to myself.

在美国念高中的时候本以为会讲中文就不用再学二外，结果第一学期过去是老师帮选的课，其中就有一门法语课，课上的同学多多少少都有法语基础。教法语课的老师一副法式打扮，头发吹得蓬蓬的，做着法式美甲，口音却是美国腔，还经常听到家里有会讲法语家长的同学嫌弃她的教学风格和发音方式，但自己却对这位老师印象不错，每次下课去问她课堂作业相关的问题她都是耐心解答。后来新学期可以自己选课后选了很多数理化，法语课和自己的课表有冲突，就没再选，但也是用语言学习软件一直在带着学的，后来因为工作学业经常忘了学习，选学习计划的时候却被软件经常问到你能保证承诺吗？还和同学开玩笑说自己似乎有承诺恐惧症。但现实中却在对待感情问题上是完全相反的，反而是在错误的人身上保持承诺了太久，消耗了太多宝贵的时间和精力。

When I was attending high school in the U.S., I initially thought that since I already spoke Chinese, I wouldn’t have to study a second foreign language. But in the first semester, classes were assigned by one of the teacher at the school, and one of them turned out to be French. Most of the students in that class already had some background in the language.

The French teacher dressed very “French”—voluminous, styled hair, manicured nails in a French style—but spoke with an American accent. I often heard classmates with French-speaking parents complain about her teaching style and pronunciation. Still, I actually had a good impression of her. Whenever I stayed after class to ask questions about homework, she was always patient and helpful.

Later, once I could choose my own schedule, I ended up loading up on math, physics, and chemistry, which conflicted with the French class, so I didn’t continue. But I kept learning on my own through a language learning app. With school and work constantly getting in the way, I’d often forget to study, and the app would keep asking, “Can you commit to this plan?” I used to joke with classmates that maybe I had commitment issues.

Ironically, when it came to relationships, it was the complete opposite—I stayed committed for far too long to people who weren’t right for me, wasting so much valuable time and energy.

在大学的时候选择继续学法语的理由似乎也有些好笑，简单介绍一下背景。高中的时候一次周末学校的作业做完出于无聊下载了门萨智商测试软件，做了几次测出来结果都是在150周围浮动，其中一次测试结果直接分数拉满，升到了180。当时觉得这种测试和“测测你是什么动物？”“什么星座与你的最速配？”一类娱乐网站做出来给人当消遣打发时间促进人际交往的小测试无异，把结果随手发在了社交媒体上并配字“嘻嘻我承认有几题是蒙对的”就忘了，并还为后来遇到的自称“我是天才”的人感到不齿（詹代法则嘛~）。后来就不停地收到门萨协会的营销广告，还被身边的人调侃称为“天才”，自那年起每次入境美国的时候都要被关小黑屋审核背景资料，被关了两次后觉得很麻烦，又费时，便去问学校里负责留学生文件的老师，得到的回应是把我和另外一位在波士顿交换时出了问题被遣返的学生搞混了，已经帮我打电话去质询过了，下次再入境应该不会被关。结果后来从西岸的高中毕业去东岸上了大学每次从飞机上下来还是被送进小黑屋，而同行的同学却每次都能丝滑入境。几次观察下来发现小黑屋被审查的人员都来自一些对美国而言政治敏感的国家，或者是身份特殊的人员，连亚洲人的面孔都是很少的，有一次就遇上一个来自坐着轮椅来自伊拉克的大叔，被工作人员叫去拿文件的时候被问到来美国的目的是什么的时候，大叔一脸自豪地回答：我儿子在纽约大学念书，我来DC是准备转机去纽约看我儿子的。小黑屋内不准用手机，个人资料都被收走，里面的人也不被允许互相交流，思前想后自己也不是什么来自什么特殊背景的家庭，也觉得美国政府机构不至于无能到几年都处理不好两个留学生文件的程度，最终就归结在了自己的智商测试结果上。后来偶然几次被认识的人发现自己的测试结果，反应也是不同的，自己每次都要去解释说智商测试只是测词汇量和数学能力的，早年阅读量大，再加上身为亚洲人数学本来就好，并不能代表什么。结果有一次在DC入境时又被关了小黑屋，打瞌睡闭目养神的时候突然听到有人好像在用非中文也非英文自己却能听懂的一种语言在讲话，接下来一句掷地有声的 “MERDE!（狗屎）” 直接让我瞌睡全无瞬间睁眼，原来是一位来自法国的小伙子被关得不耐烦了要回法国，工作人员走上前去让他安静的时候他张口就是一句“Ta mere est putain！（你妈是个贱货！）”，我瞪大眼睛用眼神四处寻找周围有没有听懂的，愣是没能在现场找到第三个懂法语的和我交换眼神。被骂的工作人员也是一副完全听不懂的样子，甚至还笑眯眯地把暴躁的法国小哥领到隔壁房间去等着被遣返，期间他一直用法语骂骂咧咧，还切换了几次法语腔浓重的英文：“I will tell my father!”（我要告诉我爸！） “I want to go back to Paris now!”（大爷我现在就要回巴黎！） “F*ck America!”（去你*的美国！）我憋笑快憋出内伤的同时也意识到高中毕业后自己法语似乎已经退化到了只能听懂脏话的水平，觉得不能就这么放弃了学习这么美的一门语言，于是新学期一开学就去做了学校语言学院的线上法语测试，也被顺利分到中阶法语课。有研究统计发现人在学一门新的语言的时候，往往最快学会的就是脏话，我自己在一家德国公司实习的时候学会的两个德语单词也是 “Scheiße”（狗屎）和“Schlampe”（荡妇），而当时部门的项目经理却是有留法背景的工程师，也是我工作经历中极少有的从工作能力和态度都让我发自内心敬佩的前辈。也有研究发现，讲脏话有助减压和缓解负面情绪（我非常赞同，helvete！）

The reason I decided to continue studying French in college is honestly kind of funny—so here’s some background information.

Back in high school in the U.S., one weekend I was bored after finishing my homework and downloaded the Mensa IQ test app. I took it a few times and consistently scored around 150, and on one of them, I even maxed out the score at 180. At the time, I didn’t take it seriously—it felt no different from those silly internet quizzes like “What animal are you?” or “Which zodiac sign is your soulmate?” Just fun distractions to pass time and spark conversation. I posted the result casually on social media with the caption, “Hehe I admit I guessed on a few questions,” and then completely forgot about it.

Ever since then, though, I started getting bombarded with Mensa’s marketing ads, and people around me began teasingly calling me a “genius.” That same year, I began getting pulled aside into secondary screening—the infamous "little black room"—every time I entered the U.S. After being detained twice, I got annoyed and asked the school’s international student office what was going on. The staff told me they had mistakenly confused me with another student who had been deported from Boston during an exchange program. They said they’d cleared it up, and it shouldn’t happen again.

But even after graduating high school on the West Coast and starting college on the East Coast, I kept getting flagged and pulled aside—while the classmates I traveled with all breezed through . After a few times, I started to notice a pattern: the people in that room usually came from politically sensitive countries or had special backgrounds. I rarely even saw other Asians. Once, I saw a man in a wheelchair from Iraq. When a staff member asked why he was coming to the U.S., he proudly said, “My son studies at NYU. I’m connecting through DC to visit him.”

Phones weren’t allowed in the room, our personal documents were taken, and we weren’t allowed to talk to one another. I had plenty of time to think, and I realized I didn’t come from any special background. It also seemed unlikely that the U.S. government could really be this inefficient at resolving two students’ paperwork mix-up for years. So I chalked it up to my IQ test result.

Occasionally, when people I knew found out about that test score, they reacted very differently. I always had to explain that IQ tests mostly measure vocabulary and math ability—which I scored well on simply because I read a lot growing up and, well, I’m Asian, so math comes pretty naturally. It doesn’t really mean anything.

Then, during one entry into DC, I was in the little black room again, dozing off with my eyes closed, when I suddenly heard someone speaking a language that wasn’t English or Chinese—but I could understand it. The next thing I heard, loud and clear, was “MERDE!” (“Sh*t!”). I snapped awake. It was a young French guy, fed up with being detained, demanding to go home. When a staff approached to calm him down, he shouted: “Ta mère est une putain!” (“Your mother is a whore!”)

My eyes widened as I looked around, trying to see if anyone else understood what was happening. No one seemed to. The staff clearly didn’t speak French either—they were still smiling politely as they escorted the angry French guy to another room to await deportation. The whole time he kept cursing in French and switching to thick-accented English:
“I will tell my father!”
“I want to go back to Paris now!”
“F*ck America!”

I nearly burst out laughing but somehow managed to hold it in. That’s when I realized my French had deteriorated to the point where I could only reliably understand the swear words. That felt like a shame for such a beautiful language. So at the start of the new semester, I signed up for the university’s online placement test for the French department and got placed into an intermediate course.

Studies have shown that when people learn a new language, swear words are often the first things they pick up. My own experience backed that up: while interning at a German company, the first two German words I learned were “Scheiße” (sh*t) and “Schlampe” (slut). At that time, our project manager happened to be an engineer with a French educational background—one of the few mentors in my career I’ve genuinely admired, both for his skills and attitude.

There’s also research showing that swearing helps relieve stress and negative emotions—and I absolutely agree. Helvete! (Swedish: “hell”)

在圣诞节餐桌上和奶酪聊到这段经历，爆笑之余他表示也想学两句中文脏话。

我：Motherf*cker是艹你妈

奶酪：艹——你——妈——

我：但跟英文不一样，我们用中文骂人也讲究要性别平等的

奶酪：那你教我啊

我：艹你大爷，意思是f*ck your uncle

奶酪：艹——你——大——爷——

然后还顺带学了一个在东亚社会中具有侮辱性的手势。

我：好了你这辈子是别想去中国了

At Christmas dinner, I told Nello about this experience. After laughing hysterically, he said he wanted to learn a couple of Chinese swear words too.

Me: “Well, motherf*cker in Chinese is cào nǐ mā (艹你妈).”
Nello: “Cào——nǐ——mā——” (carefully repeating each syllable)

Me: “But unlike in English, Chinese insults show gender equality as well. We believe in gender-balanced cursing.”
Nello: “Then teach me the rest!”

Me: “Alright. Cào nǐ dà yé (艹你大爷), which literally means f*ck your uncle*.”
Nello: “Cào——nǐ——dà——yé——” (nodding seriously)

Then he also learned a hand gesture that’s considered deeply insulting in East Asian cultures.

Me: “Great. Congrats. You can forget about ever visiting China in this lifetime.”

巴黎戴高乐机场的巴士车票。（同时以防有人好奇是什么手势）/ A bus ticket from Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris. (Just in case anyone’s wondering what the hand gesture was.)

发现美国在培养和糟蹋人才方面同等极端。大学航空炸弹客泰德·卡辛斯基上小学时智商就被测出高达167，16岁时就进入哈佛大学攻读数学系，25岁获得博士学位时发表的论文被其教授评价全美国不超过十个人能读得懂。结果就是最后他躲到深山老林里给大学和航空公司寄自制的炸弹，妄想以一己之力阻止工业化社会发展进程。还发表了《工业社会及其未来》并致函各大媒体要求刊出，并写下自己的犯案宣言： “科学盲目发展，无视人类真正的福祉。” 我也搜来看过，前半部分内容看似还有些道理，逻辑上也是说得通的，越读到后面再结合他在现实生活中犯下的罪行，就越觉得他对人性缺乏最基本的尊重，以及缺失人文社科方面的教育。再去找来资料看了，发现他在哈佛求学的时候就因为他的高智商被选中参与过心理实验，主要实验内容是无论他说什么，实验者都会对他进行反驳，几次实验下来让本就性格内向的他变得更加孤僻。实行犯罪的时候也因为智商高注重细节所以从来没留下过什么线索，最后反而是被他当时在巴黎的弟妹读到相关新闻，认出了他的写作风格后被逮捕的。个人认为智商高并不代表大脑发育完全，只是可能看事物的角度与旁人有所不同，领悟快见解深罢了，当时还是青少年大脑尚未发展成熟的他是经受不住这种摧残心智的心理实验的。不知道有没有相关联系，但是在美国工程学院念书的时候每学期都会有必修人文社科课程的学分，课上还会经常鼓励学生参与讨论，训练学生的写作能力，培养学生的人文思维，在我看来对在教育学生讲究效率和追求质量的工程学院是非常有必要的，同数字和机器打交道久了，难免会有些“丧失人性”，工程专业课业繁重，经常有小组作业和个人课题，学期中因为专业课程实在繁忙，导致有一次忘了交法语课的语法作业，结果死线两天后收到教授的邮件问最近是不是生病啦？还是有事太忙忘交作业了? 并表示已经帮我把死线延到了一周后，还提醒我要记得写，不会多扣我的学分，被感动到当场在图书馆合上了笔记本电脑埋头流眼泪。而当时在工程学院因为课题过于复杂而不小心晚了几秒交找教授理论，却被义正言辞地拒绝，只能委屈到自己回家哭。

I’ve come to realize that the U.S. is just as extreme in nurturing talent as it is in destroying it.

Take the case of the “Unabomber,” Ted Kaczynski. His IQ was measured at 167 when he was still in elementary school. At 16, he entered Harvard to study mathematics, and by 25, he had earned a PhD, with a dissertation so complex that his advisor claimed fewer than ten people in the U.S. could understand it. And yet, he ended up living in a remote cabin, mailing homemade bombs to universities and airlines, trying to singlehandedly stop the progress of industrial society.

He wrote Industrial Society and Its Future and demanded it to be published by major media outlets, including a chilling declaration of his motivations: “The continued development of technology will inevitably lead to greater human suffering.” I looked it up and read through it. The first half almost seemed logical—well-written, with points that make sense on the surface. But the further I read, especially knowing the real-world violence he committed, the more I felt disturbed by his complete disregard for human life and his glaring lack of education in the humanities. (Industrial Society and Its Future: https://web.cs.ucdavis.edu/~rogaway/classes/188/materials/Industrial%20Society%20and%20Its%20Future.pdf )

Digging deeper, I found out that during his time at Harvard, his high IQ got him selected to participate in a series of psychological experiments. The experiments basically involved systematically tearing down whatever he said—no matter what his argument was, the researchers would oppose it. Repeated exposure to that, especially for someone who was already shy and introverted, seemed to have made him even more withdrawn.

When he was finally caught, it wasn’t because he left behind evidence, his attention to detail made him nearly impossible to track. Ironically, it was his sister-in-law in Paris who recognized his writing style from the manifesto and alerted the authorities.

I honestly believe that high IQ doesn’t necessarily mean a person’s brain is fully developed—it just means they may see things differently or absorb complex ideas more quickly. He was still a teenager when he went through those psychologically damaging experiments, and I don’t think his mind was prepared for that level of manipulation.

Maybe there’s a connection, maybe not—but while studying at an engineering school in the U.S., I noticed that every semester we had mandatory humanities and social sciences classes. We were encouraged to write, to discuss, to think critically beyond the technical. At first I thought it was just a formality, but later I came to see it as essential. When you’re immersed in numbers, machines, and efficiency all day, it’s dangerously easy to lose touch with your humanity.

Our major courses in engineering school were intense, filled with group projects and researches. One semester, I forgot to turn in a grammar assignment for my French class because I was overwhelmed by my engineering workload. Two days after the deadline, I received an email from my French professor: “Hey, is everything okay? Are you sick? Or just overwhelmed? Don’t worry—I’ve extended your deadline by a week. Just don’t forget to turn it in.” She even assured me it wouldn’t affect my grade much. I was so moved, I closed my laptop and cried quietly in the library.

In contrast, when I submitted a complex engineering project just a few seconds late after the deadline and tried to reason with the professor, I was firmly rejected. No discussion, no exceptions. I went home that day and cried, too—but for entirely different reasons.

不过在工程学院念书的那几年也让我习得了男性视角，再加上从小母亲对我的教育，所以反而能发自内心地去欣赏同性身上美好的特质，而自己女生的身份也让我比男性更容易让同性亲近和喜爱，尤其是在男女界限分明的东亚社会。不过大学开学时上的关于“许可”的课却对我日后在生活中与人打交道时也加了一层束缚，连平时上课在同学旁边坐下都要征询对方的同意，，凡事都以“我可不可以”，“我能不能够”为开头质询对方的意见，后来想来身为女生其实并没有必要这样畏手畏脚，不过如果是男生这样的话倒是挺令人心动。

But those years studying in engineering school also taught me to see the world through a male perspective. Combined with how my mother raised me growing up, I’ve actually come to genuinely appreciate the beautiful qualities in other women. And because I’m a woman myself, I found that it was often easier to form close bonds with other women—especially in East Asian societies where the lines between genders tend to be more rigid.

Tea consent: https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=V4bKZYrGOYmnmIT-

That said, I still remember the “consent” concept introduction session we had during university introductory course, and it left a lasting impression on how I interact with others in day-to-day life. It added a layer of restraint: even when I just wanted to sit next to someone in class, I felt the need to ask for their permission. I found myself prefacing everything with, “May I...?” or “Would it be okay if I...?”—constantly checking to make sure the other person was comfortable with my presence. Even when I'm sitting next to someone I like, I really want to kiss his face and hold his hands—but I have to restrain myself because of social etiquette, and even deliberately keep my distance.

Looking back, I realize that as a woman, I didn’t actually need to be that cautious or self-restraining in most situations. But if a man were to act with that same level of care and respect, honestly… I’d probably find it incredibly attractive.

很喜欢每周两节的法语课，课上的同学们年龄，所学专业，家庭背景都是很丰富多元的。有家长是做外交官的同学，有五六十岁认真上课的阿姨，有长得很有法式风情来自加拿大法语区的漂亮女生（虽然感觉她来上法语课和跟我去报中文课没什么区别啦，但每次上课听她念课文都要惊叹她整个人散发的优雅气质），有毕业后志向是当法语老师的男生，有提莫西·查拉梅的小迷妹。偶尔来课上的项目指导员也是经典南法帅哥的长相，穿着显身材的黑色紧身衣在黑板上徒手画完法国地图简单介绍完去尼斯的交换项目后，同学们都疯狂举手提问，听得也比平时上课时认真很多，女生们甚至一些男生在他走后都在惊叹他的帅气，因为指导员并不是自己喜欢的类型，所以站在旁观者角度还是觉得这种互动既典型又蛮可爱的，也为平时上课提问反响平平的教授感到一丝无奈。

I really enjoyed the two French classes I had each week. The students in the class came from such diverse backgrounds—different ages, majors, and family situations. There was a classmate whose parent was a diplomat, a dedicated older woman in her 50s or 60s, a beautiful girl from the French-speaking region of Canada who exuded that quintessential French elegance (though honestly, her taking French class felt a bit like me enrolling in a Chinese course—but every time she read the textbook in class, I couldn’t help but be amazed by her graceful presence). There was a guy whose dream was to become a French teacher after graduation, and a self-proclaimed Timothée Chalamet fangirl.

Occasionally, a program advisor would drop in—and he got the classic look of a typical handsome guy from the southern France. Wearing a tight black shirt that showed off his physique, he sketched out a map of France on the blackboard by hand while giving a brief intro about the study abroad program in Nice. Suddenly, everyone became wildly enthusiastic—hands shot up with questions, and the class was more attentive than I’d ever seen it. After he left, the girls (and even a few guys) were still gushing about how attractive he was.

Since he wasn’t really my type, I watched the whole thing more as an amused observer—but it was kind of adorable and so telling of human nature. At the same time, I couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy for our regular professor, whose questions often struggled to get more than a few responses.

大学里的第一节法语课身为系主任的教授就介绍了法语单词“Rendezvous”，在英文中经常被翻译为“Date”（约会）, 相比于在美式英语语境里有暗示交往意愿的引申意味的“约会”一词，法国人在使用这个单词的时候其实更倾向于表达于朋友之间性质单纯的友好会面，个人而言很喜欢这个语调偏中性的词。来瑞典念书后和当地的同学交流时难免会谈到情感方面的问题，问我有没有喜欢的类型，我回答：没有，主要看给我的整体感觉，所以我这种人最简单也最复杂，因为合适我的人可能早就出现在了我身边，也有可能多年以后突然在一个阳光明媚的午后走进我开的餐馆里。在被问到怎样定义约会的时候认识的一位瑞典男生告诉我说：你不会提前告诉对方这是约会，但结束后就能和别人说你们出去约会了。我：但我还是觉得只是和认识的人出去吃顿饭和简单社交而已啊，我从小在东亚文化语境下形成的思维模式还是相当抗拒管这叫约会，除非对方正式且直接地告诉我这是一次“约会”。

朋友：就是约会嘛

我：午餐/晚餐会面

朋友：约会！

我：午餐/晚餐会面

朋友：约！会！

我*叹气*：那既然我们都穿着商务休闲装，还是在校园里这种正式专业的场合，那我就把它升级一下叫做国际商务洽谈好了

朋友：……………..

我：那还是叫Rendezvous最合适嘛。

In my very first French class at university, the professor—who was also the head of the department—introduced the French word “Rendezvous.” In English, it’s often translated as “date,” but unlike in American English, where the word tends to imply romantic interest or the potential for a relationship, in French it's much more neutral—often simply referring to a friendly meeting between people. Personally, I really like the tone of the French word; it feels lighter and more open-ended.

After coming to Sweden for further studies, I naturally ended up discussing relationships with local classmates from time to time. When asked if I had a "type," I said I didn’t—it all depends on the overall feeling someone gives me. So in a way, I’m both the easiest and the hardest person to figure out: the right person for me might have already appeared in my life, or they could just as easily walk into the restaurant I open someday on a sunny afternoon, which gonna be years from now.

When we got to the topic of defining a date, one Swedish guy I knew said:
“You don’t tell the person in advance that it’s a date—but afterward, you can tell other people you went on one.”
To which I replied: “But I still feel like that’s just getting a meal or casually socializing with someone I know.”

Having grown up in an East Asian cultural context, I’m still quite resistant to calling something a date—unless the other person clearly and directly tells me that’s what it is.

Friend: It is a date

Me: It is a lunch/dinner meeting

Friend: date！

Me: lunch/dinner meeting

Friend: DATE!!!

Me *sign*: Since we are both in our business casual clothes, and still on a campus setting, you know, very professional, very formal, I’m gonna upgrade it and call it an international business meeting

Friend：……………..

Me：Rendezvous then!

到巴黎之后发现当地的Rendezvous文化及其盛行，不论是街边的小酒馆点心店摆放的桌椅，还是公园开放区域的草坪，经常可以看到几位好友临街而坐，畅所欲言。甚至还有带自己出来Rendezvous的，一瓶红酒才喝了三分之一不到就放到身侧，烂醉在塞纳河畔的草地上午睡丝毫不在意自己形象的男生，把法国人骨子里的肆意随性展现得淋漓尽致，路过他的时候我真的很想把他的那瓶红酒拿来继续喝，再拿张瑜伽垫子躺在草坪上也开始饭后午睡的（鬼知道草坪上有什么虫子和细菌）。

When I arrived in Paris, I quickly discovered just how deeply ingrained rendezvous culture is in everyday life. Whether it’s the tables and chairs arranged outside bistros and pastry shops, or the open lawns of public parks, you’ll constantly see groups of friends gathered, chatting freely and soaking up the moment.

There was even a guy who had taken himself out for a rendezvous—but barely a third into the bottle of red wine, he set it down beside him, sprawled out drunk on the grass along the Seine, and took a nap in broad daylight, completely unconcerned about how he looked. He was the perfect embodiment of that innate French nonchalance and free-spiritedness.

As I passed by, I honestly had the urge to pick up his wine and keep drinking it myself, then roll out a yoga mat and join him in a post-lunch nap on the lawn (though who knows what kind of bugs or bacteria are lurking in that grass).

万幸也不幸的是，个人而言自己作为直女二十几年的人生中最满意的几次Rendezvous却是和一位在上海参加草莓音乐节时偶然认识的女生。本来是被同事半推半就拉着很不情愿一起去的（同事的存在就意味着工作，再加上当时职场有毒的环境，很排斥在休息日以及娱乐休闲场合看到任何让我想起工作的存在，而这位同事也是在还没认识一个月的时候就找借口想往我家钻，搞得我后来但凡被问家住哪里我都说我没有家我睡大街上，觉得没必要和认识没多久的同事讲多少实话），结果却因为自己看错了日期买错了第二天的票，所以便和当时在网路上认识的喜欢同一个乐队女生约好第二天再去看音乐节，结果对方一直在对着乐队成员的绯闻八卦如数家珍，自己心不在焉回应的时候这个有着小麦肤色，爽朗笑容的的女生突然向我们搭话：诶你们也听那个乐队吗？非常欣赏她主动搭话的大胆行为，长相也十分合眼缘，简单交流了两句便直接问她要了联系方式，因为音乐节上收不到手机讯号，便让她把她的社交账号信息存在了我的手机备忘录里，晚上回去便添加了她为好友。后来约她出来一起看演唱会，因为自己不喜欢看绯闻八卦，便试探性地和她提了两句，结果她直接说“那些东西我不感兴趣的，也没有那个软件的账号”，觉得很是惊喜，还跟我讲之前去参加演唱会签售的经历。后来再约她出来吃饭却因为工作临时加班以及上海的一言难尽的交通迟到了很久，她却一点也不生气，反而是把菜点好了在等我来。点菜的品味也是很好的，人前吃饭的模样也很文雅，言行举止以及谈吐都是自信大方的，至今还记得当时餐桌上章鱼沙拉的爽口味道，饭后甜点给自己点了柠檬雪芭，开玩笑说在这个小酒馆定的价格可以在超市买一整盒诶，一模一样，她也是笑笑说对哦！看完演出和她在同路的地铁上道了别，骑车去黄浦江边的码头的时候发现因为时间很晚了，所以已经没有轮渡，拿出手机打了车，和她用手机聊天的时候自己脸上都挂着笑容，至今都还记得那晚还在夏日星空下的码头旁看到了绕着路灯飞舞的蝙蝠，到了家之后已经很晚了，却因为认识了志同道合的朋友感到兴奋却一点感觉不到疲劳，还带上耳机弹了很久的琴。

Fortunately—or perhaps unfortunately—the most memorable rendezvous I’ve ever had as a straight woman in my 20-something years of life were actually with a girl I met by chance at the Strawberry Music Festival in Shanghai.

At the time, I’d been reluctantly dragged there by a coworker. I didn’t want to go at all—having coworkers around meant I couldn’t fully relax, especially given the toxic environment I was dealing with at work. That same colleague, whom I’d known for less than a month, had already started coming up with excuses try to come over to my place. Ever since then, whenever anyone at work asked where I lived, I’d just say I didn’t have a home and was sleeping on the street—it just didn’t seem necessary to tell the truth to people I barely knew.

As fate would have it, I bought tickets for the wrong day. So I ended up making plans with a girl I met online—someone who also liked the same band—to go the following day. She turned out to be super into celebrity gossip about the band, and as she started listing all the details, I found myself zoning out. That’s when a tanned-skin, bright-smiling girl next to us suddenly turned around and asked, “Hey, you guys listen to that band too?”

I instantly admired her ability to take initiative, confidence and openness—and she was also pleasant to look at. After a few words, I straight up asked for her contact info. Since the signal at the festival was awful, she saved her social media account directly in my phone’s note app. That night, I added her.

Later, we made plans to go to another concert together. Since I’m not into gossip, I casually tested the waters by mentioning it—and to my surprise, she said, “Oh, I’m not into that stuff. I don’t even have an account on those apps.” I was honestly delighted. She even told me about her past experience going to a signing event for some Japanese band.

When we made dinner plans afterward, I ended up being super late due to work and Shanghai’s awful as usual traffic. But she wasn’t upset at all—she had already ordered the food and was waiting patiently. Her taste in food was excellent, and she had such a composed, elegant way of eating in public. Everything about her—from her demeanor to her way of speaking—was confident and warm.

I still vividly remember the tangy flavor of the octopus salad we had, and how I ordered a lemon sorbet for dessert. I joked that the price they charged at that bistro could buy a whole box of the same thing at the supermarket. She just smiled and said, “True!”

After the show, we said goodbye in the subway. I biked to the ferry port by the Huangpu River, only to find that the last boat had already left. I called a cab, and while I waited, I messaged her—smiling the whole time. I still remember how, under the summer night sky by the river, bats circled the streetlights overhead.

I got home late, but I was so energized by meeting someone so like-minded that I wasn’t tired at all. I just put on my headphones and played piano for hours.

后来了解到她比我小两岁，工作日在一家建筑公司实习，在努力学CAD ，暑假过后就要去英国留学了，平时上课的时候在一家法国餐馆打工，会滑滑板，还给我看她养的猫猫照片，工作日基本不和我发消息，知道我在工作也不会再发消息来打扰，周末的时候有空就会约我出来玩，吃饭聊天压马路，和我说音乐节上是因为手机没有信号和一起来的朋友走散了，意外地就站在了我和同行女生的身后看演出，就这样认识了我。一次给我发消息问晚上要不要去上海最受年轻人欢迎的酒吧喝酒，她有熟人订到了位置，我很爽快地答应，第一杯酒快喝完的时候聊天话题也变得私人起来，她说她以后结婚也只是想找兴趣爱好类似价值三观一致的人一起周游世界拍拍照片享受对方的存在，不想像中国传统式婚礼一样大操大办，向往柏拉图式的爱情，注重精神层面的交流，坐在她对面的我却因为第一次在世界上遇到跟我如此相似的人而感到不可思议，终于聊到MBTI类型在她说出是和我一样是总人口中只有2%的INTJ（之前也有认识的人说他们是，自己每次听了都忍不住翻白眼）后终于借着酒精的作用忍不住去拉住她的手，二十四年来第一次感觉和一个人的灵魂在进行对视交流，完全抛弃理智在她面前流露情感说：我为什么到现在才认识你呢？你可不可以留下来不要去英国留学？她也回握住我的手高兴地笑笑说以后有空来找我玩嘛。

Later I found out she was two years younger than me. On weekdays, she interned at an architecture firm, working hard to learn CAD, and after summer break she was going to study abroad in the UK. During the school term, she worked at a French restaurant and also could skateboard. She even showed me pictures of her cat. On weekdays, she rarely messaged me, knowing I was busy at work and not wanting to bother me. But on weekends, when she had free time, she’d ask me out—to hang out, rendezvous, have meals, and stroll around.

She told me that at the music festival, because of no phone signal, she’d gotten separated from her friend and just happened to end up standing behind me and the other girl I was with, watching the show—that’s how we met.

One time she messaged me, asking if I wanted to go drinking at one of Shanghai’s most popular bars among young people. She had a friend who reserved a spot for us, and I agreed right away. As we were finishing our first drink, the conversation got more personal. She said that when she gets married someday, she just wants to be with someone who shares her interests and values, traveling the world together, taking photos, and simply enjoying each other’s presence in this world. She didn’t want a big, traditional Chinese wedding. She longed for a Platonic kind of love, valuing spiritual connection above all.

Sitting across from her, I was amazed to meet someone so similar to me in the whole world. We finally talked about MBTI personality types, and when she said she was the same rare INTJ type as me (which only about 2% of the population has—I’d heard others claim this before and usually rolled my eyes), I couldn’t resist anymore. Fueled by the alcohol, I reached out and held her hand. For the first time in my 24 years life, I felt like my soul was truly meeting someone else’s. I abandoned all reason and said, “Why did I only meet you now? Can you stay and not go to study in the UK?”

She squeezed my hand back, smiled happily, and said, “You can come visit me whenever you want.”

当时的工作精神上给自己带来了极大的痛苦，被大自己十岁多且离过婚的男上司用一种自作多情且匪夷所思的非直接方式追求，有时候周末还会找借口给我发消息让我去公司加班，平时下班后也是竭尽所能让我在公司待得久些，还把我的工位安排在他旁边，不想丢了经济来源所以只能默默忍受，只是在休息时间收到其消息的时候会被烦到想要大叫：你这头畜生！再努力找机会跳槽。在公司也是尽量不在工位坐着一有机会就往实验室跑，结果反而被对方问去哪儿了怎么不爱在办公室待，自己的顶头女上司也完全没有把我当职员在栽培，而是莫名其妙地把我放在了竞争对手的位置上，把我视作她的威胁处处提防着。自己精神备受煎熬和折磨，一次周末同这位女生出来吃饭的时候也终于忍不住和她分享，她告诉我说认识的人有因为公司名字响亮职位光鲜强迫自己在不喜欢的环境里待的，但最终都选择了离职，还同我分享她之前在咖啡店兼职遇到的不如意，当时也是立即认清情况后便辞了工，说不能帮助自己成长学习不到新技能的环境认清后就不用久待了，后来也是因为听了她的经历和分享作为部分原因，毅然决然地辞了职。当时下班以及周末的时候喜欢刷一些社交媒体解压，关注过一个台湾年过半百的漫画家，当时觉得他的一些简笔画看起来还挺有意思，而且从来都是把创作者本身和他们的作品分开看的。一直以为这些“名人”的社交媒体账号是有工作室的工作人员管理的，便没太在意，结果几次点赞账号上发的漫画内容之后就莫名其妙被他盯上，而开始发一些对我有指向性的内容，从来没在现实中接触过，只是看了我发在社媒上的一些内容就给我画了像说我性格古怪让我要多笑，还颇有一副拿自己的“名人”身份来给我施压的意思。台湾中老年男人在中文世界可谓出了名的喜欢老少配，自己对别人在交往上作出什么选择从来不会作什么评价，但涉及到自己便寸步不让，绝对不可能接受与自己年龄差大于三岁的，平时交朋友也是喜欢和自己年龄差不太多的人接触，而且见识过的一些老男人总是会以自己用年龄积攒来的职位，社会地位和金钱去胁迫年轻女生，毫无个人魅力和道德修养可言，工作能力也相当平庸，是出于完全没有追求和自己平等身份，年龄和地位的女性的能力而选择去骗小姑娘，自己在对方连发了几条对我有指向性的状态后备受困扰，不知道要怎么处理。后来和认识的人抱怨这件事的时候对方甚至觉得我在编故事炫耀自己受欢迎，叹了一口气便换了个话题，并不觉得被恶心的老男人盯上是什么值得炫耀的事，也当即做出了和对方减少往来的决定。和这个女生提起的时候她却说这种事很常见，她有朋友也遭遇过类似的事情，销号不要理睬就行了，也是听从了她的建议，清空并注销卸载了账号，收获了片刻安宁。

At that time, my job caused me a lot of mental anguish. I was pursued in a weird, indirect, and overly sentimental way by a divorced male boss who was more than ten years older than me. Sometimes on weekends, he would find excuses to message me asking me to come in to work overtime. After work, he did everything he could to keep me at the office longer, even arranging my desk right next to his. Not wanting to lose my source of income, I silently endured it all. But whenever I got his messages during breaks, I’d want to scream, “You f*cking corporate pig!” I kept trying to find a chance to switch jobs.

What I envision in my mind whenever that corporate pig text me: https://youtu.be/fX4e81L-J7s?si=3zoyDfEYWGqsZHzN

At the company, I tried to avoid sitting at my desk and would go to the lab whenever possible. That only made him ask why I didn’t like staying in the office. My female supervisor didn’t treat me like a subordinate to be mentored but instead put me in direct competition with herself, viewing me as a threat and constantly watching me. I was mentally tormented.

One weekend, when I went out to dinner with this girl I met at the music festival, I finally shared all this with her. She told me about people she knew who stayed in a company just because of its reputation and flashy titles but ended up quitting because the environment wasn’t right. She also shared her own experience working part-time at a café, how she realized the situation wasn’t helping her grow or learn new skills and resigned immediately. Her stories encouraged me, and I decisively quit my job.

During my off-hours, I liked scrolling through social media to relieve stress. I followed a Taiwanese cartoonist in his fifties who made simple but interesting drawings. I always separated the creator from their work and assumed these “celebrities” had staff managing their accounts, so I didn’t pay much attention. However, after liking some of his comics, he started targeting me with posts that felt directed at me. We’d never met in real life—he just saw some of my social media content and drew portraits implying that I was “aloof” and needed to smile more. He seemed to pressure me with his “celebrity” status.

Taiwanese old and middle-aged men have a notorious reputation in the Chinese-speaking world for liking relationships with much younger women. While I don’t judge others’ personal choices, when it comes to myself, I’m very firm: I won’t accept dating anyone has an age gap of more than three years. I prefer friends close to my age. From experience, some older men use the position, title, social status, and money accumulated over their age to coerce much younger women, and yet meanwhile they have no personal charm or moral cultivation, and their work ability is also quite mediocre. They choose to deceive young girls because they have absolutely no ability to pursue women of equal identity, age and social status as themselves.

After he posted several targeted posts about me, I felt very disturbed and didn’t know how to handle it. When I complained about this to someone I use to knew, they even thought I was making it up to brag about being popular, sighed, and quickly changed the subject. I don’t see being targeted by a creepy old man as anything worth bragging about, so I decided to reduce contact with that person afterwards.

When I mentioned this to the girl, she said it was quite common, and some of her friends had gone through similar experiences. She advised me to just delete the account and ignore it. I followed her advice, cleared, deleted, and uninstalled my account, which finally brought me a moment of peace.

和她在一起的时候时间总是过得特别快。一次周末下午被她带去逛她在上海喜欢的小商铺，咖啡馆，和中古奢侈品店，在每个地方都人山人海要排长队的上海她带我去的地方却意外地人流量少且相对僻静。在街上两个人就算不说话就是安安静静地并排走着自己也觉得很开心，晚上去吃可丽饼的时候还和我讲了两句她在餐厅打工时学会的法语，还告诉我PAUL之前在上海的家乐福开过营业点，结果因为顾客不是很多所以关门了，我听了笑了笑说：太甜了嘛。在工作场合无聊庸俗肤浅的同事们总是会用多少带着些炫耀的语气谈论他们周末去哪里消费，买了什么东西，花了多少钱，而她却从来没和我讲过这些，而是和我说她最近想去看的画展有她自己最喜欢的那副水中的奥菲利亚，谈论生死在东亚算是忌讳，而听她谈论对艺术人文的个人见解以及对生命消亡的思考，让我后来每次想起都要惊叹当时的她真的只有二十二岁吗？当时我和她都是上海最普通的上班族，没什么存款的年轻人，最后服务生递来账单的时候她却主动说：中午的饭钱你付的，这顿我请客好啦。因为家教缘故，与人出来吃饭总会提出主动付钱，遇到的很多人却是欣然接受还会露出一副占到便宜的神态，就算后来分付账单也要和我斤斤计较，算计到小数点后八位，她是我遇到的第一个认识不久就提出要主动付钱的人。只是觉得遗憾当时在上海时没能有时间和她一起去逛一次展览。

Time always seemed to pass especially quickly when I was with her. One weekend afternoon, she took me around her favorite little shops, cafés, and vintage luxury stores in Shanghai. In a city where every popular place is usually packed and requires long lines, the spots she brought me to were surprisingly quiet and tucked away. Even just walking side by side with her in silence on the street made me feel happy.

That evening, we went to have crêpes, and she even shared a few French phrases she’d learned from her job at the French restaurant. She also told me that PAUL had once opened a location inside Carrefour in Shanghai, but it shut down due to lack of customers. I laughed and said, “It was too sweet for Chinese apetite.”

At work, my shallow, dull colleagues always talked about where they spent their weekends, what they bought, and how much they spent—often with a tone of subtle bragging. But she never talked to me about those things. Instead, she told me about an art exhibition she wanted to go to that featured her favorite painting, Ophelia in the Water. In East Asian culture, death is often a taboo subject, but when she spoke about her views on art, the humanities, and the meaning of life and death, I couldn’t help but marvel—was she really only 22 at the time? (Please don’t walk up to me in real life and try to strike a conversation about death after reading this paragraph, and here’s the reason: )

Back then, we were just two ordinary young office workers in Shanghai, with little in the way of savings. But when the bill came, she offered to pay, saying, “You paid for lunch, let me take care of this one.” Because of my upbringing, I always insisted on paying when dining with others. Many people would happily accept and even act like they took advantage of me. Even when splitting the bill, they’d nitpick down to the smallest decimal. She was the first person I’d met who offered to pay even though we hadn’t known each other for a long time.

I only regret that I never found time to go to an art exhibition with her while we were both still in Shanghai.

几次接触相处下来发现她和我极尽相似，又全然不同，虽然喜好有近似的地方，听的乐队却很少有重叠，但互相介绍了解后也发现很贴合对方的品味，就连吃点心的偏好都是差不多的。她的存在让我意识到，我一直寻找或者等待的人在这个世界上是存在的，不需要妥协，不需要委曲求全，不需要逼迫自己降低标准选择下嫁，与她相比，之前因为各种原因委屈自己选择向下兼容相处的同学和熟人们也在认识了她之后全都变得让我再也无法容忍，也不值一提了，就算后来被工作环境，被家人或上司强迫再去认识接触一些人，自己也坚决不让步，绝不愿意再降低自己的标准，甚至连朋友都不愿意和对方做。有认识有极端国家主义倾向的人在被我多次拒绝交友企图后掏出她祖父抗美援朝的勋章发在社交软件上，表示要与有美国留学背景和在日本有家人的我划清界限，我听了也只是耸耸肩表示那你当初那么想要和我打交道还真是做了个违背祖宗的决定哦~ 结果后来到了瑞典就感受到了因为教育和文化环境不同而产生的极与极，有在我说“日本侵略过中国”后直接接“但日本人有文化啊”的，有上来就把中国东北地区叫做“满洲里”的。

我：你们下辈子也别想去中国，飞机没落地就能被人按在机舱里报以老拳。

After spending more time with her, I came to realize just how incredibly similar we were—and yet, so different. While our interests aligned in many ways, even the bands we listened to rarely overlapped. Still, after introducing our favorites to each other, we found that our tastes complemented each other almost perfectly. Even our preferences when it came to desserts were nearly identical.

Her presence made me realize that the kind of person I had been waiting for or searching for all this time really does exist in this world. There was no need to compromise, to settle, to force myself to lower my standards or “marry down.” Compared to her, the classmates and acquaintances I had once tolerated for various reasons—by settling or “scaling down” in compatibility—suddenly all became unbearable and irrelevant. Even when my job, family, or bosses later pressured me to socialize or connect with certain people, I remained firmly unmoved. I absolutely refused to lower my standards again. I didn’t even want to be “just friends” with anyone I wasn’t truly aligned with.

There was one person with extreme nationalist views who, after repeatedly trying to become friends with me and being turned down, posted a photo of her grandfather’s Korean War (we call it “The War to Resist America and Aid Korea” in China) medal on social media—declaring she wanted to cut ties with someone like me, who had studied in the U.S. and have family in Japan. I just shrugged and replied, “Wow, guess it was quite the betrayal of your ancestors when you tried so hard to befriend me in the first place then.”

Then later, after coming to Sweden, I encountered the opposite extreme—where the gap in education and cultural perspective sometimes often left me speechless. There were people who, right after I said, “Japan invaded China,” immediately replied, “Yeah, but Japanese people are so well-cultured.” Some even still referred to northeastern part China as “Manchuria.”

I was like:

“Yeah you guys can forget about ever setting foot in China—you would definitely get punched by some Chinese before the plane even landed.”

她的存在也让我这个一直坚持要单身的人松了口，如果这个世界上真的存在男版的她，那婚姻或组建家庭似乎也是可以考虑，值得忍受的了。她也让我真正见识到了自己向往的一段绝对平等相处的关系是什么样子的。之前因为喜欢过的男生自高中后一直在以高标准要求自己，说到底还说不信任对方全校最差的家庭背景和个人能力，临近精神崩溃的边缘才意识到其实根本没有必要这样，而且后来才意识到当初喜欢的那个人在这个世界上早已不复存在，是自己的喜欢给他加了多重美化滤镜，真正合适的人是不会让自己经受这么多不必要的痛苦最后还轻飘飘的一句“那还不是你自己选的”。

Her presence made even someone like me—who had always firmly insisted on staying single begin to waver. If a male version of her really existed somewhere in this world, then maybe marriage or starting a family wouldn’t be something to dread after all. Maybe it could be considered, maybe it would even be worth it after all.

She showed me, for the first time, what a truly equal relationship could look like—the kind I had always idealized. In the past, I had once liked a boy and, ever since high school, used that feeling as motivation to hold myself to impossibly high standards. But at the end of the day, that was because I didn’t trust him enough—his background was the worst in the entire school, and his personal capabilities weren’t reassuring either. I pushed myself to the brink of a breakdown before I finally realized: none of that was necessary in the first place. And even more painfully—I came to the clarity that the person I had once liked no longer truly existed in this world. I had projected so many layers of idealization and fantasy onto him, and also the right person would never make me endure such unnecessary pain, only to later toss out something like, “Well, that was your own choice.”

在美国念高中的时候住家父亲是法裔，平时一副不苟言笑的严肃模样，对气味尤其油烟味十分敏感，这对爱吃爆炒中餐的我及室友而言实在是有些不便，每天下了班就坐在客厅的沙发上看电视，住家妈妈晚饭做了好吃的饭菜也会赞赏几句。后来父亲来美国看我，当向导带他去好莱坞观光的时候买了两个带有“最好母亲”“最好父亲”字样的小金人，后来毕业前找了一个机会送给了住家爸爸和妈妈，结果在他脸上看到了平时非常难见的笑容。高中毕业的时候妈妈正好来美国出差，参加完毕业典礼后由她请客和住家一起去了芝乐坊吃饭，住家父亲也少见得变得健谈起来，脸上也一直挂着笑容，还告诉妈妈说谢谢她请他们来这家店吃饭，平时他们也只有逢年过节才会来的。

这两件事也让我意识到，如果我能用一点点心力和花销就让别人感到开心，那何乐而不为呢？在被别人友善地对待的时候也会记住当时自己感激的情绪，下次再以同样的方式对待别人。

When I was in high school in the U.S., my host family dad was of French descent. He was usually very serious and rarely smiled, and he was particularly sensitive to smells—especially cooking odors. That was a bit inconvenient for me and my roommate, since we loved stir-fried Chinese food. Every day after work, he would sit silently on the couch watching TV, and when the host mom cooked something delicious for dinner, he would give a brief compliment.

Later, when my own dad came to visit me in the U.S., I took him sightseeing in Hollywood. We ended up buying two little Oscar statuettes that said "Best Mom" and "Best Dad" on them. Before graduation, I found a chance to give them to my host parents. To my surprise, I caught a rare glimpse of a genuine smile on my host dad’s face—a sight I had barely seen before.

When I graduated, my mom happened to be in the U.S. on a business trip. After the ceremony, she took all of us out for a celebratory dinner at Cheesecake Factory. That evening, my usually reserved host dad suddenly became very chatty and wore a constant smile. He even thanked my mom for treating them to a meal there, saying it was a place they only went to on special occasions.

Those two experiences made me realize: If I can make someone happy with a small amount of effort and money, then why not? And when others treat me with kindness, I try to remember the gratitude I felt in that moment—so I can one day pass on that same warmth to someone else.

但这么做却让我在上海的职场上惹上了不少麻烦。因为受工程学院要做一个有团队精神的人的教育，再加上自己没事就喜欢带点零食在身边吃，再说当时心里装着喜欢的人，自信自己绝对不会喜欢上其他人，而且极其反感和任何人搞暧昧，觉得是纯粹地浪费时间，所以能做到和身边的人平等友好地相处，见到同事的时候会偶尔分他们一颗糖，当时的工作环境极其恶劣，因为自己只相信正向强化这一心理机制，也算是向他们表示友好，觉得人的情绪好了工作态度就会好，工作效率也会相应提高（至少我是这样）。结果就被认为是在和他们搞暧昧，后来也不再分零食糖果了，结果在美国练成的见人便职业假笑的习惯也被认为是在和他们搞暧昧，后来也不敢再笑了，结果因为犯困眼神不经意在办公室里哪个男的的方向多停留了几秒钟也被认为是对他们有意思，索性低头不看，连觉得头发乱摘下发圈整理一下都被觉得是在勾引对方，发邮件时以“Hey”开头而不是“Hi”都要被说是不够正式，还被天天被上司骂的已婚有孩的憋屈中年经理说觉得是在跟别人搞暧昧。久而久之就养成了带耳机冷着脸低头走路的习惯，也开始刻意和所有直男保持距离，到了瑞典还是旧习难改，一次上课开门遇到认识的漂亮瑞典女生，对方看到我先是吓了一跳再说：你的厌世脸吓到我啦！

我*看到是她所以露出笑脸*：诶呀抱歉嘛以为周围都是臭男人呢。

But acting that way brought me quite a bit of trouble in the workplace in Shanghai.

Because of the “Teamwork makes the dream work” education drilled into us in engineering school—and partly because I liked to keep snacks around—and also because at the time I had someone I genuinely liked in my mind and was confident I wouldn’t develop feelings for anyone else, besides I was also strongly against any kind of flirting. I saw it as a complete waste of time, so I treated everyone around me equally and kindly. Sometimes when I saw my coworkers, I’d offer them a piece of candy. The work environment was extremely toxic, and I only believed in the psychological mechanism of positive reinforcement. In a way, this was my attempt to express goodwill—I thought when people feel emotionally better, their attitude and work efficiency improve too (at least that’s how it works for me).

But it ended up being misunderstood as me flirting with them.

After that, I stopped sharing snacks with others altogether. But even the habit I’d developed in the U.S.—giving a polite professional smile when I saw someone—was seen as me being flirtatious. So I stopped smiling. Then, one day, I was feeling sleepy and accidentally let my gaze linger for a few seconds in the direction of some guy in the office, and that too was seen as “showing interest.” I ended up keeping my head down and avoiding eye contact altogether. Even something as small as undoing my hair tie to fix messy hair got interpreted as “seduction.”

One time, I started an email with “Hey” instead of “Hi,” and my manager criticized me for not being formal enough. I was even accused of “flirting” because of this by a married, bitter middle-aged manager with kids, who was constantly getting scolded by his own boss.

Eventually, I developed the habit of always wearing headphones, walking quickly with a cold expression, and keeping my head down. I began to intentionally keep my distance from all straight men. Even after moving to Sweden, I couldn’t break out of that defensive mindset immediately.

One day in class, I opened the door and ran into a pretty Swedish girl I knew. She jumped and said, “Your resting bit*h-face scared me!”

Me *realizing it was her and finally smiling*: “Ahh, sorry—I didn’t see you there and I thought I was surrounded by all stinky men.”

青少年时期的时候读过一篇诺贝尔奖文学获得者写的短片，中心思想大概是“宇宙中的每一个个体其实都是不同版本的你自己”，深受其影响，所以都以自己想要被对待的方式去对待别人，后来接触的人多了才发现根本不现实，自己也因此受到了很多不必要的伤害，发现就算自己被放置到了和反感的人一模一样的境地，因为家境教育以及个人境遇的不同，自己再回看也做出了优于他们完全不同的选择。大学暑假实习期间因为听到了当时的上司对当时的同事姐姐发表的厌女评论，所以暗自下定决心在男性主导的工程行业只会穿裤装出现，以削弱自己在着装上所展现出的女性特征。结果工作后一次周末穿了小裙子准备出门买西瓜吃，却临时被叫去加班，刚在工位坐下就被男上司眼神猥琐地从头到脚扫了个遍，后来便继续只穿裤装。

到了瑞典念书后为了满足自己想要办电影之夜的心愿参选了Gotland Nation家文委员会主任，和瑞典小孩刚认识没多久的时候他了解到我在家文委员会的职位，露出吃惊的神色还说“我之前一直以为你是什么秘书来着。”

我：哟吼你居然敢把我往职场性别刻板印象里套哈，要不是你长得可爱且瑞典打小孩犯法你早就被我扔到波罗的海海底被鲨鱼啃得骨头都不剩了。

虽然他和我当场就道了歉，但后来每次想到他的评论就觉得好笑且无语，遂出于讽刺的本意有一次就真的打扮成文秘的样子去Nation参加活动，还发了照片在Instagram story上说“去™的性别刻板印象”，结果收到的评价却是很好看很合适诶。于是每次和自己所在的初创公司的德国同学线下开会，都会打扮成文秘的样子去，毕竟谁让我是在一家德国公司实习的时候开始决定穿裤装的呢。走在校园里还会被年纪相差无几的男同学们盯着看，眼神都是大方直接的欣赏，完全没有国内中年男人的猥琐气质，也没收到过像他们一样张口就来充满性别歧视和辱骂意味的评价，便也愿意再打扮得偏女性化起来。

When I was a teenager, I once read a short story by a Nobel Prize–winning author whose core idea was something like: “Every individual in the universe is just a different version of yourself.” That concept had a deep impact on me. Because of it, I always tried to treat others the way I wished to be treated. But the more people I interacted with as I got older, the more I realized how unrealistic that ideal was. I ended up getting hurt in a lot of unnecessary ways. I learned the hard way that even when I found myself in the exact same situation as someone I disliked, I still made completely different—and better—choices because of differences in upbringing, education, and personal values.

During a university summer internship, I overheard my then-manager make some misogynistic remarks about a female colleague. From that moment on, I quietly decided that in this male-dominated engineering industry, I’d only ever wear pants to work—to downplay any visible femininity in how I dressed. But one weekend after I started working, I happened to wear a dress because I was planning to go out and buy a watermelon in the supermarket. I got suddenly called in to work, and as soon as I sat down at my desk, my male supervisor gave me this creepy full-body scan with his eyes. After that, I went back to only wearing pants again.

Later, when I went to Sweden for grad school, I ran for the head of Home and Culture committee at Gotland Nation—partly because I’d always wanted to host movie nights. Soon after I got the position, the Swedish kid I had just met found out what my role was and looked at me, surprised, and said, “Oh, I always thought you were like... a secretary or something.”

Me: “Wow, you really just threw me right into that workplace gender stereotype box, huh? If you weren’t cute and if Sweden didn’t outlaw hitting kids, I’d have chucked you into the bottom of the Baltic Sea by now and let the sharks chew your bones clean.”

He immediately apologized, but I still find his comment both hilarious and ridiculous to this day. As a sarcastic response, I actually once dressed up like a stereotypical secretary for a Nation event and posted a photo to my Instagram story with the caption: “Screw gender stereotypes.”

Unexpectedly, the responses I got were along the lines of, “You look great! It really suits you!” So now, every time I have in-person meetings with the startup team I work for on campus (which includes German classmates), I dress secretary-style on purpose—especially since it was during an internship at a German company that I first made the decision to wear only pants.

Back on campus, I’d often catch male classmates my age glancing at me—not with creepy undertones, but with a kind of open, straightforward appreciation. They didn’t have the leering energy of middle-aged men back in China, nor did they throw out casual, gendered insults like it was nothing. That kind of healthy attention made me feel comfortable enough to start dressing more femininely again.

才和奶酪认识的时候就和他说自己在DC最喜欢的甜品店是开在市中心和精品店聚集的M街上的PAUL，考试周压力大的时候会经常去买点心吃，靠吃完体内飙升的糖分来支撑顶住学业上的压力，但口味客观上来讲对于吃点心喜欢口味清淡的中国人而言是有些过甜了，他听了笑了笑说PAUL在法国就是火车站常见的普通小店啦。

跟妈妈视频的时候说：妈妈奶酪跟我讲说PAUL在法国就是车站的普通小店诶TᴖT

妈妈：哈哈也就法国人能治得住你啦！

后来在公寓做铜锣烧的时候也是给奶酪送去了一个，说自己吃了那么多法式点心也想让他尝尝源自亚洲的特色点心。

他吃了半个表示：是不太甜哦，不过我蛮喜欢的。

When I first got to know Nello, I told him that my favorite patisserie in DC was PAUL, which is located on M Street, right in the heart of downtown surrounded by high-end boutiques. During finals week, when the stress was overwhelming, I’d often go there to buy pastries—relying on the sugar rush to keep myself going under academic pressure. But objectively speaking, their flavors are a bit too sweet for someone like me, a Chinese person who generally prefers lighter dessert flavors.

When I told Nello this, he just chuckled and said, “PAUL is just a train station thing in France.”

Later, during a video call with my mom, I said:
“Mom, Nello told me that PAUL is just a train station thing in France TᴖT”
Mom: laughing “Haha, I guess only a French guy could handle you!”

One time I was making dorayaki (Japanese red bean pancakes) at home and brought one over for Nello to try. I told him, “After eating so many French desserts, I wanted you to try some dessert from Asia for a change.”

He took a bite and said, “It’s not very sweet, huh. But I kinda like it.”

从订埃菲尔铁塔的门票输入自己个人信息的时候就发现只有Mdm.和Mssr.这两个称呼作为选项。落地巴黎的第一天出入各种正式场合也是被巴黎人称为Madame的，每次听到自己都心里一沉，觉得说啊我看上去就这么像已婚妇女吗？后来下午在巴黎街头闲逛的时候意外在转角处发现一家PAUL，走进去用法语点了两粒马卡龙，意外发现自己喜欢吃的草莓蛋糕似乎也只是美国特供版（以后再去美国可能也是为了回去吃PAUL的草莓蛋糕吧:D)。因为是一天的傍晚，店员也可能因为坐了一天的班感到疲劳而显得有些不耐烦，而我第一天刚到巴黎，很久没开口说的法语讲起来也是有些生疏了，在我重复用法语点单发现对方不给我回应时还有些不自信以为自己讲错了单词，终于没忍住说了英文，对方的态度也变得更加不客气，终于在我打算在店里堂食的位置上给打包带走的马卡龙拍几张照片的时候对我吼：小姐（Mademoiselle)！你是外带的！不要坐在店内堂食！

我*喜极而泣*：终于有人叫我Mademoiselle 了！(╥ ᴗ ╥)

后来和同学聊起对方提醒我说：叫你Madame 是因为那是法语里对女性的尊称嘛！

我*根本没听进去继续喜极而泣*：我去巴黎的PAUL买马卡龙吃的时候店员叫我Mademoiselle！(╥ ᴗ ╥)

When I was booking tickets to visit the Eiffel Tower and had to enter my personal information, I noticed there were only two options for the title: Mdm. and Mssr. On my first day in Paris, everywhere I went for formal interactions, Parisians kept addressing me as Madame. Each time I heard it, my heart sank a little and thought: Do I really look like a married woman already?

Can’t believe I’m thinking about going back to America just for a piece of strawberry cake.

Later that afternoon, while wandering the streets of Paris, I stumbled upon a PAUL bakery on a street corner. I went in and ordered two macarons in French. I was surprised to find out that the strawberry cake I used to like was apparently a U.S.-only item (maybe the next time I go back to the U.S., it’ll be just to eat PAUL’s strawberry cake again :D).

Since it was the end of the day, the staff looked visibly tired and a little impatient, probably from being on their feet all day. It was my first day in Paris and I hadn’t spoken French for a long time, so I was a bit rusty. When I repeated my order in French and didn’t get a response, I started doubting myself—maybe I used the wrong word? I finally gave in and switched to English. The staff’s attitude became noticeably colder, and when I tried to take a few photos of my macarons while sitting at a dine-in table, the staff suddenly shouted at me:

“Mademoiselle! You ordered takeout! Don’t sit at the dine-in area!”

Me, practically in tears from joy: Someone finally called me Mademoiselle! (╥ ᴗ ╥)

考试周熟悉的紧张感又回来了。/ Here comes that all-too-familiar exam stress again.

Later, when I was chatting with a classmate about it, they reminded me:
“They call you Madame because it’s a respectful title for women in French!”

Me—completely ignoring the explanation and still overwhelmed with joy:
The staff at PAUL in Paris called me Mademoiselle when I was buying macaroons! (╥ ᴗ ╥)

农历生日当天在巴黎的Le Sergent Recruteur订了座，穿了在乌普萨拉的成衣店新买的黑裙子，把社交媒体上的动态改成了“Blair Waldorf-ing”(布莱尔附体)，给自己夹了头发还戴上了特意买的皇冠，骑车在初夏巴黎梧桐树下的塞纳河畔去吃午饭的路上感叹这大概是无法超越的人生高光之一了。生日当天在旅馆一出门就感觉被巴黎人当小公主对待，走在街上也能常看到长得和甜茶（中国粉丝给提莫西·查拉梅起的昵称）相像的法国男生。到了餐厅门口的服务生相当客气地接过大衣，入座后客制化的菜单上写着自己的名字。因为教育背景以及家庭环境的不同，每个人的消费习惯似乎都是不一样的，受父母影响，自己对内在修养和精神世界构筑的需求比较高，对穿着打扮上不是很讲究，以黑白灰极简风为主，但平日里在饮食方面父母却从来没亏待过我，家里的冰箱和储藏室无论何时都是摆得满满当当的，因为父生意上的往来，母亲桃李满天下，别人送来的季节性的水果和时兴的零食也基本没断过，所以自己对吃这一方面一直十分讲究，也自持有些研究。中国人品尝美食讲究“食不厌精，脍不厌细” ，个人认为法国人在餐饮行业是无人能敌的业间顶尖水平，无论是街边小吃还是高档法餐，别人可能还在研究怎样把食材做熟到可以入口的程度，而法国人却已经研究起了食物在餐盘甚至在整个餐厅环境下在食客面前的呈现效果，以及餐厅本身与当地特色农产品的紧密联系。在一家经营成熟的高档法餐厅的就餐体验不亚于参观卢浮宫，不仅仅是味觉上的享受，主厨在餐品摆盘上的呈现对食客而言在动刀叉之前都像是在欣赏一件精美艺术品，而服务生往高脚酒杯里倒香槟的时候，酒中气泡与玻璃杯相碰撞的声音也是极为悦耳动听的。

On the day of my Chinese calendar birthday, I had made a reservation at Le Sergent Recruteur in Paris. I wore a new black dress I had just bought at a boutique in Uppsala, changed the status on my social media account to “Blair Waldorf-ing”, styled my hair, and even wore a crown I had specially purchased for the occasion. As I biked along the Seine under the plane trees of early summer Paris on my way to lunch, I couldn’t help but think—this must be one of those once-in-a-lifetime highlights that will be impossible to surpass.

早春在巴黎骑车出行。/ Parisian spring on a Lime Bike.

From the moment I stepped out of the hotel that morning, I felt like Parisians were treating me like a little princess. While walking down the street, I often saw French guys who bore a strong resemblance to Timothée Chalamet—whom Chinese fans affectionately call “Sweet Tea” as his nickname.

At the restaurant, the host politely took my coat, and after I was seated, I noticed the customized menu even had my name handwritten on it.

Everyone’s spending habits are shaped differently by their upbringing and educational background. Influenced by my parents, I’ve always prioritized inner cultivation and the richness of my spiritual world over appearances. My wardrobe is mostly minimalist—black, white, and gray. But when it comes to food, my parents never cut corners with me. Our refrigerator and pantry have always been fully stocked. Because of my father's business connections and my mother’s large network of students and friends, we’ve always had a steady stream of seasonal fruits and trendy snacks at home. So I’ve developed quite a refined palate over time and take pride in knowing my food.

Chinese culinary culture emphasizes “精” (refinement) and “细” (delicacy)—“food should never be overly coarse, and finely chopped dishes should never be sloppily prepared.” In my opinion, the French are the undisputed masters of the culinary arts. Whether it’s street food or fine dining, while others might still be focused on how to simply cook food until it’s edible, the French are already taking it to the next level, exploring how to present food—not just on the plate, but within the entire ambiance of the restaurant. Their approach is deeply tied to the local terroir and seasonal ingredients.

主菜和甜点之间清口用的雪芭，吃了一口发现是香菜味的就放下了勺子，服务生来收盘子的时候有点紧张地问我：一切都还好吗？我笑笑：不适合我。/ The sorbet meant to cleanse the palate between the main course and dessert — I tasted a bit, realized it was cilantro-flavored, and immediately put down my spoon. The waiter came to clear the plate, a little nervous: "Is everything alright?" I smiled and said, "Not for me."

Dining at a well-established fine French restaurant is comparable to visiting the Louvre. It’s more than a treat for the taste buds—it’s an immersive aesthetic experience. The plating of each dish feels like viewing an exquisite work of art before you even touch your knife and fork. And when the waiter pours Champagne into a tall glass, the sound of the bubbles fizzing and dancing against the glass is genuinely music to the ears.

餐后收尾的附送小点心。/ A little sweet bite offered to conclude the meal.

念大学的时候周末会常去离学校不远的DC吃法餐，中档价位的法餐厅中最喜欢的是Convivial，食材简单新鲜好吃，颜色摆盘鲜艳精致精致。因为一次出于同情和认识不久的人去了DC闹市区的一家名叫La Chaumiere法餐厅吃饭，结果对方在饭桌上因为不懂餐桌礼仪，看不懂菜单而自卑一直在顾影自怜，向我大倒苦水，吃饭间隙也没有什么高质量的谈话内容，自己还半出于羞辱，半出于可怜对方的意思付了当晚的大部分饭钱。后来便养成了一个人去吃法餐的习惯。有一次圣诞节认识的和自己家境差不多的朋友工作学业繁忙，自己便一个人去了Le Diplomate吃圣诞套餐，情愿一个人边品尝龙虾浓汤的同时边用手机查询澳洲龙虾的进出口份额也不愿意和负能量满满家教修养极差无法进行高质量对话的人在同一张桌子上吃饭。在美国因为疫情封城期间，自己被身边的人不断索取情绪价值，已经到了极度麻木的边缘，连安慰别人到最后都要靠通过谷歌搜索恰当的表达方式。再加上当时中国美国针锋相对，双方的媒体上都充满了对方的负面新闻，父母看了自然忧心忡忡，每天也是打电话来让我不要出门，手机上也是隔段时间就收到来自州政府州长的推送让大家保持距离，专心隔离，偶尔下楼拿快递的时候都听到快递员和公寓的值班经理说：“外面空荡荡的像个鬼城。”自己的精神状态自然已是到了极限，后来管控稍微放松限制的时候一个人又跑去了自己在DC最喜欢的法餐厅Le Diplomate, 因为疫情期间又规定不允许在餐馆内堂食，坐在室外的临街的座位上，感受到阳光照在脸上时终于忍不住情绪崩溃，流下了眼泪，餐厅的服务生看了神色紧张地拿来了一盘面包和自己点的鹅肝酱过来安慰我，还说：“不要哭咯，这盘面包免费送你吃。”也是疫情期间为数不多的感受到的来自陌生人的善意。

When I was in college, I used to go back to DC on weekends to enjoy French fine dining. Among the mid-range French restaurants, my favorite was Convivial—the ingredients were simple, fresh, and delicious, and the colors and plating were vibrant and refined.

Once, out of sympathy, I went to a French restaurant called La Chaumière in downtown DC with someone I hadn’t known for long. But during the meal, the person, clearly unfamiliar with table manners and unable to understand the menu, became self-conscious and spent the whole dinner wallowing in self-pity. There was no meaningful conversation, and I ended up paying for most of the bill—half out of pity, half out of humiliation. After that, I developed a habit of dining alone at French restaurants.

那天晚上餐桌上唯一的美好事物。/ The only thing didn’t go wrong that night at *La Chaumière* : the main course Bouillabaisse.

One Christmas Eve, a friend with a similar background of mine was too busy with work and school, so I went alone to Le Diplomate for the holiday special menu. I would rather sit by myself, slowly savoring lobster bisque while looking up the import/export data of Australian lobsters on my phone, than share a table with someone who radiates negativity, lacks manners, and is incapable of meaningful conversation.

现在在 Google Gemini 的帮助下功能更加强大。/ Now more functional with the help of Google Gemini.

During the lockdown in the U.S. due to COVID, I've been emotionally drained by the constant demands for emotional support from people around me — to the edge of complete numbness. These days, even comforting others requires me to Google the right words to say. At the same time, tensions between China and the U.S. were escalating, and both countries’ media were filled with negative coverage of each other. My parents, worried sick after watching the news, would call me every day, asking me not to go outside. I was constantly receiving alert notifications on my phone from the state government and the governor urging people to stay home and self-quarantine. Even just going downstairs to pick up packages, I would overhear the delivery man said to the front desk manager, “It’s like a ghost town out there.”

Naturally, I was at my breaking point mentally. Once restrictions eased a bit, I went back to my favorite French restaurant in DC, Le Diplomate. Indoor dining was still banned, so I sat at an outdoor street-side table. When the sunlight hit my face, I couldn’t hold back anymore—tears start to streaming down on my face. A waiter noticed and quickly brought me a basket of bread along with the foie gras I had ordered. He gently said, “Please don’t cry, okay? The bread is on the house.” That was one of the few moments during the pandemic when I truly felt kindness from a stranger.

在上海工作时，本应是阖家团圆的春节却因为自己不想接受家里安排的工作结婚对象和父母冷战而拒绝回家选择一个人留在了上海过，但如果去中餐馆按过节的习俗点一桌子菜自己又是吃不完的，而喜欢过节的自己又不想这么草率地对待春节，思来想去便去L'Atelier de Joël Robuchon订了座，点了一人份的节日特别套餐，结果发现法餐却相当适合选择一个人过节的自己。每一道菜都是两三口便可品尝完，但一整餐吃下来却给人饱腹感很强，至今还记得正餐几道主菜之间用来清口用的西柚雪芭的清爽味道。

When I was working in Shanghai, I chose to spend the Chinese New Year’s Eve alone in the city rather than go home, because I was in a cold war with my parents—I refused to accept the job and marriage plans they had arranged for me. But as someone who enjoys celebrating festivals, I didn’t want to treat the New Year carelessly. At the same time, if I were to follow tradition and order a full spread at a Chinese restaurant, there was no way I could finish it all by myself.

After thinking it over, I booked a seat at L'Atelier de Joël Robuchon and ordered the special holiday menu for one. It turned out that French fine dining was surprisingly well-suited for someone like me spending the holiday alone. Each course was just a few elegant bites, but by the end of the meal, I still felt pleasantly full. To this day, I still remember the refreshing taste of the grapefruit sorbet served between the main dishes to cleanse the palate.

吃完饭准备出门，门口的侍应生从衣架上拿过我的大衣，本想伸手去接，结果对方直接走过来帮我套上大衣还开门送我出去，道了谢之后走在餐馆外巴黎的小巷子里，楼上种满鲜花的法式栏杆后的窗子里飘出钢琴演奏的声音，自己的脸上也因为点来配午餐喝的香槟沾上的微醺而露出傻笑，步行在塞纳河畔去卢浮宫观光。

After finishing my meal and getting ready to leave, the waiter at the door took my coat from the rack. I reached out to take it, but instead, he walked over and gently helped me to put it on, then opened the door and saw me out. I thanked him and stepped into the narrow Parisian alley outside the restaurant. From the windows above, framed by flower-filled French balconies, came the sound of someone playing the piano. My face lit up with a tipsy smile from the champagne I’d had with lunch, and I strolled along the Seine toward the Louvre.

卢浮宫之恢弘盛大是我之前参观过的任何一间博物馆或者美术馆都无法比拟的，本以为DC的国家博物馆以及纽约的大都会博物馆从对艺术品的呈现以及各类主题展览已经做到极致水平，却在卢浮宫的对比下相形见绌。在广场上看到贝聿铭设计的玻璃金字塔时就忍不住发出惊叹。本觉得金色这种代表着财大气粗的俗气颜色却被法国人运用得如此精致巧妙，把金色的辉煌华丽与富贵在建筑与艺术上发挥运用到了极致，这归根结底和法国人深厚的文化底蕴和格调高雅的审美是分不开的，就像黑帮成员脖子上的大金链子与大学教授手腕上的金手镯给人带来的视觉效果和心理感受是完全不同的，前者是出于立威和炫耀，后者则是因为有社会地位与学识加持更显华贵。

贝聿铭设计的玻璃金字塔。/ Glass Pyramid by I. M. Pei.

The grandeur and magnificence of the Louvre is unparalleled by any museum or gallery I’ve visited before. I once thought that the National Gallery of Art in D.C. and the Met in New York had already reached the pinnacle in terms of curating exhibitions and showcasing art, but they seemed almost lacking in comparison to the Louvre. I couldn’t help but gasp in awe when I saw the glass pyramid designed by I. M. Pei in the courtyard.

I had always thought of gold as a flashy and somewhat tacky color representing ostentatious wealth, yet the French manage to use it with such sophistication and artistry. They’ve elevated gold’s brilliance and opulence to its fullest expression in both architecture and art. Ultimately, this comes down to the deep cultural heritage and refined aesthetic sensibilities of the French. It’s like the stark contrast between a gangster’s chunky gold chain and a professor’s understated gold bracelet — the former is about intimidation and showiness, while the latter, supported by intellect and social standing, exudes shear elegance.

卢浮宫的水晶吊灯。/ Crystal chandelier at Louvre.

在入口处检了票，语音讲解器拿到手发现是任天堂，点开讲解开始按自己的节奏开始逛卢浮宫。大学时人文必修课选修的艺术理论课也在后来逛博物馆和艺术展览时派上了用场。还记得当时的讲课是一位气质和安迪·沃霍近似的老教授（虽然觉得厌烦俗气艺术的他应该会对这个评价颇有微词），讲话语速慢吞吞的，让当时经常通宵泡图书馆的我听了时不时地要在课上打瞌睡。因为大学离首都的国家美术馆很近，所以艺术理论课的作业之一便是去国家美术馆欣赏艺术品并写赏析小作，但为了证实学生们是切身去到美术馆现场欣赏了艺术品的，教授便提出要在提交作业的文档中包含学生们与艺术品的合影或者自拍的要求。在美术馆为了做作业自拍时虽然尴尬，还被衣着考究的中年人们用批判有网瘾的自恋小年轻的眼神审视，但几篇赏析小论文写下来也对欣赏艺术品有了自己的见解，加上课上教授和助教在课堂上提供的背景信息和艺术史阅读材料，再去博物馆时也能从风格，笔触，和艺术品的所处年代和流派来简单作一些赏析。后来自己在博物馆的自拍作业也是被一个不知缘由又爱窥探人隐私的疯婆子看到后四处和人说我有多自恋，我知道后直接怼回去：不好好念书的文盲野妇，就算那不是因为作业要求拍的，和观众的互动性也是现代艺术的重要组成部分。

After getting my ticket scanned at the entrance, I picked up the audio guide—and realize it was a Nintendo. I tapped to start the tour and began exploring the Louvre at my own pace.

胜利女神/ Nike of Paionios, personal fav at the Louvre.

The art theory course I took as a humanities requirement class in college unexpectedly came in handy during museum visits like this. I still remember the professor—an elderly man with a demeanor oddly reminiscent of Andy Warhol (though I imagine he would distaste the comparison, given his disdain for anything he considered kitsch). He spoke painfully slowly, and since I was often pulling all-nighters in the library back then, I frequently found myself dozing off in his class.

向下滑动感受蒙娜丽莎前的人山人海。/ ↓Scroll down to feel the crowd in front of Mona Lisa and get closer to her. ↓

Because my university was near the National Gallery of Art, one of our assignments was to visit it in person and write an analysis of artworks. To ensure we actually went, the professor required us to include photos or selfie of ourselves with the artwork in our submitted documents. I remember feeling awkward taking selfies in a gallery, especially under the judgmental gaze of well-dressed middle-aged visitors who clearly thought I was just another phone-addicted gen-z kid who’s full of herself. But writing those short analytical essays helped me develop a personal approach to viewing art. With the background context provided in lectures and the assigned art history readings, I gradually learned to analyze artworks based on style, brushwork, period, and movement.

拿破仑加冕。/ Le Sacre de Napoléon. (I was born on the same date Napoléon died.)

Later on, one of those assignment selfies was seen by a nosy, gossip-prone woman who had no clue about the context but still went around telling people I was vain and self-obsessed. When I found out, I shot back: “You illiterate uncivilized shrew who don’t even pay attention in class properly—even if the photo weren’t for an assignment, interaction with the audience is a central element of contemporary art.”

有一次课上讨论艺术创作中刻奇（kitsch）与坎普（camp）的概念，教授说：“《泰坦尼克号》算俗气作品吗？算，但我看的时候有没有哭得泪如雨下？有。”与教授个人经历相反的，有一次圣诞假期去亲戚家做客时，和家人们一起去看了《爱乐之城》，电影散场观众们脸上的表情都有些凄然，自己也因为电影的结局而默默流泪，这时候同行的一位亲戚看了看我却说：“这有什么好哭的，天底下这样的事情多了去了。”回想了一下她平时也因为这种极度现实的性格和世界观在职场上游刃有余，却和身边的人缺乏情感上的沟通和共鸣，经常能在生活中一句话就能冒犯到和她进行日常对话的人。也是这堂课再加上现实中的经历让我学习到了，在这个物欲横流的世界中生存时，既要拥有辨别美丑的能力，也不能失去了对正常情绪的感知，才能被看作是一个真正受过高等教育的人。而我也不想彻底沦为金钱的奴隶，更不想因此失去欣赏美的能力。

注：kitsch:庸俗艺术 / 俗气风格， Kitsch 指的是那些过于媚俗、情感过度、廉价做作的艺术或装饰风格；看起来试图“高雅”，但实际审美低劣、哗众取宠；往往是为了迎合大众口味而丧失艺术深度。

camp: 浮夸戏谑风格 / 反讽美学, Camp 是一种有意识地夸张、做作、戏谑、反讽的审美风格。它：通常带有幽默、自我嘲讽和夸张成分；明知道是“俗”，却故意用一种“我就要这样”的态度去欣赏它；是一种“坏品味的好品味”。

狩猎与月亮女神阿耳忒弥斯，纯洁与童贞的象征，也是孕妇与儿童的守护神。/ Artemis-the ancient Greek goddess of the hunt, the wilderness, wild animals, childbirth, and the moon. She is also a protector of young women and a symbol of purity and chastity.

One time in class, we were discussing the concepts of kitsch and camp in artistic creation. The professor said, “Is Titanic a kitsch film? Yes. But did I cry my eyes out watching it? Also yes.” In contrast to his personal experience, I once went to visit some relatives during the Christmas holidays, and we all went to see La La Land together. After the screening, I noticed a somber look on many audience’s faces, and I too silently wept at the film’s ending. But one of the relatives looked at me and said, “What’s there to cry about? Stuff like this happens all the time.”

Thinking back, it made sense—she’s always had an extremely pragmatic and realistic worldview, which allows her to navigate the workplace skillfully, yet it often leaves her disconnected from others on an emotional level. In daily life, she frequently offends people around her with her bluntness, often without even realizing it.

This class discussion, coupled with real-life experiences like that one, taught me that in a materialistic world like ours, a truly well-educated person must not only possess the ability to distinguish between good and bad taste, beauty and atrocity, but also maintain sensitivity to authentic human emotion. I don’t want to become a slave to money, nor do I want to lose the ability to appreciate beauty in mundane life.

Note:

Kitsch refers to art or design that is excessively sentimental, overly decorative, or inauthentically “tasteful.” It often appeals to the masses through superficial charm, but lacks true artistic depth. Think of it as something that pretends to be highbrow, but is actually lowbrow.
Camp, on the other hand, is an aesthetic of deliberate exaggeration, irony, and playfulness. It's “bad taste” done on purpose, often with humor or flamboyance. Camp doesn’t pretend to be serious or refined—it celebrates the over-the-top with a wink and a sense of self-awareness.

艺术理论课的必读选修书目也不少，弗里德里希·尼采的《查拉图斯特拉如是说》便是其中之一。其中个人认为对自己影响最深刻的却是柏拉图在其作品《理想国》中提到的洞穴隐喻，尤其是在人们高度依赖社交媒体来进行沟通交流的现代社会，有多少有营销目的的资讯内容是包装成“事实”和“个人兴趣相关”推送到我们眼前的呢？平时和同学们交流时也能通过他们提及自己在社交媒体上刷到的内容对他们的个人经历和喜好作出简单的推断。在研究生项目的相关营销课程上也学到一些社交媒体，列如脸书的算法就是要让使用者产生与经历车祸一般的情感刺激体验。早年使用这个软件的时候也发现了有把不同政见的人推送到互相的页面上故意挑起争端的倾向，后来自己得出的结论是，为了保持用户使用时间长，活跃用户多，再拿数据向投资人和广告商伸手要钱的一个歪门邪道罢了，也是除了工作之外的联系能不用就不用。对社交媒体的滥用也造成了人与人之间缺乏深层次的交流，而是对一些资本砸钱广为营销的内容无意义地重复的现象。虽然社交对自己是消耗，但与长时间困在电子设备中的虚拟世界相比，自己还是倾向于和志同道合，有思辨能力，可以进行友好交流的朋友们面对面地坐着，畅所欲言，精神上得到疗愈是远比社交给自己带来的消耗要多的。

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透过卢浮宫的玻璃窗向外望去。/ Looking through the glass at the Louvre.

There were quite a few required readings for my art theory class, and Friedrich Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra was one of them. But the one that left the deepest impression on me was Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave,” as presented in The Republic. It struck me as particularly relevant in today’s world, where people rely so heavily on social media for communication and connection. How much of the content that gets pushed to us—often under the guise of “fact” or “personalized interest”—is actually just marketing strategy in disguise?

倒挂玻璃金字塔。/ Glass pyramid upside down.

When chatting with classmates, I often find I can guess their personal experiences and preferences based on the content they mention seeing on social media. In a marketing course during my graduate program, we even studied how platforms like Facebook design their algorithms to trigger emotional responses similar to the intensity of witnessing a car crash. I noticed early on that the platform seemed to intentionally feed opposing political content to different users to stir up conflict. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that this was nothing more than a manipulative way to keep users engaged longer—so they could inflate usage statistics and sell more data to investors and advertisers.

The abuse of social media has also led to a lack of deep, meaningful human connection, replacing it with the mindless repetition of content aggressively marketed by those with the deepest pockets. While social interaction tends to drain me, I still far prefer sitting down face-to-face with thoughtful, like-minded people who are capable of nuanced conversation. Compared to being trapped in the artificial, screen-mediated world of social media, such real-life conversations may be rare—but they’re spiritually nourishing and worth far more than the social energy they cost me.

Note: Summary of the Allegory of the Cave
In Plato’s writing—presented through a dialogue featuring Socrates as the main speaker—he imagines a group of people who have been imprisoned inside a cave since birth. They are chained in such a way that they can only face the cave wall and are unable to see the outside world. All they see are the shadows cast on the wall by real objects passing in front of a fire behind them. Mistaking these shadows for reality, they believe this shadow world is all there is.

This allegory serves as a metaphor: unless people engage in philosophical reasoning, they will only ever perceive appearances—the surface level of things—and remain unaware of the deeper truths or “forms” that constitute true knowledge and reality.

在卢浮宫的时尚展区买了一本西太后个人简介的手册，很喜欢她的朋克精神和其同名品牌的设计理念，也认为她把坦克开到英国首相家门口抗议危害环境的政策的行为配得上她“朋克教母”的称号。早年间在网路上读到过巴黎的朋克青年们会踩着轮滑鞋在夜间穿过巴黎长长的隧道，闯入市政厅或博物馆的办公室，偷来钥匙之后也不做别的，只是觉得专业人士技艺不精，跑去储藏室修文物，觉得他们也是和他们身处的城市一样，浪漫随性，先锋叛逆，嚣张优雅。

At the fashion exhibition area of the Louvre, I bought a booklet about Vivienne Westwood's life and work. I’ve always admired her punk spirit and the design philosophy behind her eponymous brand. I also think her act of driving a tank to the British Prime Minister’s residence in protest of environmentally harmful policies was truly worthy of her title as the “Godmother of Punk.”

Balmain. (LOUVRE COUTURE Art and Fashion: Statement Pieces themed exhibition.)

Years ago, I read online that some of Paris’s punk youth used to rollerblade through the city’s long tunnels at night, breaking into offices in city halls or museums—not to steal anything, but simply to grab the keys and, believing the professionals were incompetent, sneak into the archives to repair artifacts themselves. I always felt they, much like the city they live in, embodied a kind of romantic nonchalance—rebellious yet refined, brash yet elegant.

从卢浮宫离开前去开在博物馆里的星巴克点了一杯大概是法国特供版的紫色薰衣草星冰乐，用自己的英文名在星巴克点单每次都会被店员写错，所以自己有一个星巴克点单专用名“Lucy”，而这次又被拼错成“Lucie”，最荒谬的是一次在美国点单时和店员报了自己的名字，店员嘴上说着“好的，你的单五分钟内给你做好。”然后拿到手杯子上却写着“Stacey”。

Before leaving the Louvre, I went to the Starbucks inside the museum and ordered a purple lavender Frappuccino, which seemed to be a France-exclusive version. Whenever I order at Starbucks using my English name, the baristas always misspell it, so I have a special Starbucks order name—“Lucy.” This time, they spelled it “Lucie.” The most ridiculous thing happened once in the U.S.: I told the barista my name, and she said, “Okay, your order will be ready in five minutes.” But when I got the cup, it was labeled “Stacey.”

大学里的法语课也不是完全死板的照本宣科，有一节课还给学生们放了我高中学法语时就在关注的法国网红Cyprien的视频，很是惊喜，他制作出品的科技恐惧症的短片一直存着，时不时还拿出来看一遍，大概是受了索尼的品牌赞助，里面使用的手机也是索尼的，高中的时候因为手机被摔坏了，而索尼的手机线还没有出最新产品（后来到手的SONY Xperia Z5大概是索尼手机设计的美学巅峰，手机背面的镜面设计一直被我拿来当镜子出门在外补妆的时候用），靠着学校发的iPad过了一个月基本上不怎么使用电子产品的时光，非常充实，那段时间也看了不少书，做了不少手工，跟身边的人沟通交流也变多了，对Cypien科技恐惧症的短片中的部分经历能做到感同身受。只不过自己平时在法语课上不怎么爱开口讲话，后来新冠疫情初期学校封锁改成线上课时教授有一次提问我“那你们日本的情况怎么样？”才意识到她整个学期下来是把我当成了日本女生。因为被美国人，法国人，德国人，丹麦人，甚至日本人他们自己都认成过日本人，所以能相当熟练地用几种语言客气友好地纠正对方：“Non, je ne suis pas Japonais. (不，我不是日本人啦)”

The French classes at university weren’t all rigid and by-the-book. In one class, the professor showed us a video by Cyprien, a French Youtuber I had been following since high school, which was a nice surprise. I’ve kept his short film about technophobia saved and watch it now and then. It seemed to be sponsored by Sony, since the phone featured was a Sony model. Back in high school, my phone broke and Sony hadn’t released their latest model yet (the Sony Xperia Z5 I later got was probably the peak of Sony’s phone design aesthetics—the mirrored back was perfect for touch-ups on the go). Relying on an iPad the school provided, I spent about a month barely using any electronics, which was very fulfilling. I read a lot, did crafts, and communicated more with people around me. I could really relate to some of the experiences in Cyprien’s technophobia short.

Technophobe: https://youtu.be/wNRUzu4fTgw?si=TT-kRgd_AIN-mMkz

That said, I wasn’t very talkative in French class. When the pandemic started and classes moved online, the professor once asked me, “So how are things in Japan for you?” That’s when I realized she had mistaken me for a Japanese student the whole semester. I’ve even been mistaken for Japanese by Americans, French, Germans, Danes, and even Japanese people themselves. So now I can politely and friendly correct them in several languages: “Non, je ne suis pas Japonais.” (No, I’m not Japanese.)

个人最喜欢的法语动画电影之一是疯狂约会美丽都（又名美丽都三姐妹），大概是七八岁的时候第一次接触到，后来每年有机会都要翻出来复习一遍，后来了解到当时制作影片时为了能吸引更多的观众来看，又不想用法语劝退不爱看字幕的人，所以整部影片几乎没什么对白。学了法语后再看总觉得有些遗憾，但又为自己能看懂动画背景里的法语标识和报纸内容而感到高兴。小时候看的时候是被电影引人入胜的故事情节和配乐吸引，随着年龄的增长和眼界的开阔也能从电影中看出对殖民史的影射和对世俗社会的讽刺，而每次看都能被奶奶对男主角无微不至的照顾感动到。后来和奶酪聊到这部电影的时候也一起对着电影里对美国和美国人的夸张嘲讽刻画一起发笑，在重温一些片段时他还点出了一个向来自觉非常注重细节的我都没看出来的镜头语言，觉得很是惊喜。

One of my favorite French animated films is Belleville Rendezvous (also known as The Triplets of Belleville). I first watched it when I was about seven or eight years old, and ever since, whenever I get the chance, I like to watch it at least once each year. I later learned that when the film was produced, they wanted to attract a wider audience without scaring off those who dislike subtitles, so the movie has almost no dialogue. After learning French, I feel a bit of pity about that, but at the same time, I’m happy to be able to understand the French signs and newspaper headlines in the background.

When I was younger, I was captivated by the film’s engaging story and soundtrack. As I grew older and my perspective broadened, I began to notice its references to colonial history and its satire of secular society. Every time I watch it, I’m moved by the grandmother’s devoted care for the protagonist. Later, when I talked about the film with Nello, we laughed together at the film’s exaggerated, satirical portrayal of America and Americans. While revisiting some scenes, he even pointed out several frames of camera movement that, despite my usual attention to detail, I had completely missed— which was a delightful surprise.

以老年人为主角的电影很少，以女性老年人为主角的电影就更少，而疯狂约会美丽都不仅以一位奶奶为主角，就连配角都是角色细节刻画得相当出彩的老年三胞胎，甚至电影名称都是以她们为命名的，私认为这大概也只有尊崇“自由平等博爱”，真正做到倡导女性主义的法语国家才能联合拍出的电影。在上海的时候也有幸看到了自己自初中起就很喜欢的女歌手李霄云对于美丽都三姐妹的致敬演出。虽然自称是一名追星女，但又觉得自己并不是一位典型的追星女。别人看选秀都忙着打榜投票，和对家粉丝吵架，而自己更倾向于默默关注，连同好都很少接触，有机会了就去看现场演出，对八卦和花边新闻都很排斥。因为觉得在网上太容易被一些奇奇怪怪而且三观不合的人盯上，比如因为关注一些摇滚乐队在社交媒体上被一个住在英国的中国女生盯上，也是认识没多久后就开始给我讲述她的人生故事，还说当时最后一年在英国念书时怕找不到工作留不了英国，在当时的学生宿舍和愿意同她发展亲密关系的男男女女睡了个遍，后来总算找到当地人人结婚好像也不是因为纯粹的对对方产生的爱情。我听了表示尊重所有人所作出的关于他们人生的选择，但那之后也选择了同她保持距离，并逐渐断了联系，也同时明白了为什么在欧美留学时有一些男的一开始会不怀好意地接近我。

而李霄云是当年选秀的全国亚军，当时看着留着干净利落的短发的她抱着吉他垂着眼睛在舞台上唱歌的样子一下就喜欢上了，就对她作了简单了解。发现她高中时就去了澳洲念书，平时在当地的中餐馆打工，明明是女孩子却去了男性主导的后厨帮工干苦力，搬煤气罐打杂都会做，平时也是一副男孩子气的着装，还在采访里说高中毕业舞会的时候因为穿了黄色落地纱裙妆扮了一下，和平时的样子完全不一样，她的妈妈激动到拍了很多照片还说自己的女儿终于有了女孩子的样子，大学也学的是墨尔本大学的王牌教育学专业。和朋友聊天的时候提起她也是说“像她这样的人没有人会不喜欢吧” ，高中时发她的照片在自己的社交媒体上还被认识的人误认成是当时短发的自己，暗自窃喜了很久，甚至还觉得自己是没有资格被认成是她的。因为自己那时候也是一副男生打扮，偶尔穿裙装出门Rendezvous还会忘了改掉学男生走路大步流星的仪态，还会被同学提醒 “喂，就算穿着裙子看那走路的样子也能远远一眼认出来是你，淑女一点不好吗？”

Movies featuring elderly protagonists are rare, and those focusing on elderly women are even rarer. The Triplets of Belleville not only stars a grandmother as the main character, but even the supporting roles—the elderly triplet sisters—are vividly and carefully portrayed. The film’s title itself is named after them. I believe this is something that only French-speaking countries, which truly uphold the values of “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity” and genuinely advocate feminism, could produce.

When I was in Shanghai, I was fortunate to see a tribute performance by Li Xiaoyun, a female singer I’ve admired since middle school, dedicated to The Triplets of Belleville. Although I call myself a fangirl, I don’t fit the typical fangirl stereotype. While others get caught up in voting for contests, fighting with rival fan groups, I prefer to quietly follow from a distance, rarely interacting with other fans, and simply attend live performances when I got the chance to. I simply dislike gossip and celebrity scandals.

Because I feel that it's too easy to attract strange and incompatible people online, I once got targeted by a Chinese girl living in the UK just because I followed some rock bands on social media. Not long after she followed me on social media and I followed back, she began sharing her life story with me. She told me that during her final year studying in the UK, she was terrified she wouldn’t find a job and wouldn’t be able to stay in the country, so she ended up sleeping with almost everyone—both men and women—in her student dorm who were open to having a physical relationship with her. She eventually did manage to marry a local, though it didn’t seem to be out of genuine love from her side.

I told her I respect everyone's personal choices in life, but after that conversation, I chose to keep my distance and gradually cut off contact. Online encounter with people like her also helped me understand why some men approached me with questionable intentions based on some negative stereotype agains Asian women when I was studying abroad in the West.

Li Xiaoyun was the national runner-up in a talent show years ago. I immediately liked her when I saw her on stage with her neat short haircut, eyes downcast, playing guitar and singing. I learned a little about her: she studied in Australia during high school and worked in local Chinese restaurants. Despite being a girl, she worked in the male-dominated kitchen doing tough jobs—carrying gas tanks and cleaning. She usually dressed in a tomboyish style. In an interview, she mentioned that during her high school senior prom, she wore a yellow floor-length dress and looked completely different from usual; her mother was so excited she took many photos, saying her daughter finally looked like a girl. She later major in education, a top-tier program at the University of Melbourne.

When chatting with friends and mentioned her, I would say, “It’s her birthright to be liked by pretty much everyone” Back in high school, when I posted her photos on social media, some acquaintances mistook her for me when I also had short hair—something that secretly pleased me for a long time, though I felt I’m far from being able to be compared to her. At that time, I also dressed like a boy, and when I occasionally wore dresses for rendezvous, I’d forget to change my masculine, big-stepped walking style. I was even reminded by classmates, “Hey, even if you’re wearing a dress, we can spot you from afar by the way you walk—can’t you be a bit more ladylike in your dress?”

似乎自己仰慕的东亚女性都有些男生的特质在身上的。从女扮男装出演东方不败的林青霞，宝冢歌剧团的顶级男役天海佑希，再到世界知名的指挥家西本智实，和上文中提到的李霄云，从外表上看既有女性的柔美也有男性的坚毅，性格也是刚柔并济，她们多数年纪轻轻便在完全陌生的文化环境里完全依靠自己出众的能力学习成长，而自己对她们的喜欢也完全是出自纯粹的欣赏，因为她们能在完全男性主导的领域做到以女性的身份独树一帜，独当一面，而自己工作过的行业也多是以男性主导的，虽然性别分工上会导致不同性别各自面临的问题不同，男性会在职场上遇到上级严厉苛责，工作能力出众的女性不仅要忍受来自同性的嫉妒，还要处理异性对她们腻味透顶的情感投射。因为自己从小便是社区里算年纪稍偏大的小孩，院子里最调皮的男生平时见了我都要敬我三分，又因为受父母宠爱，从小什么时兴流行的玩具或体育用品只要在学校的成绩好，也都是二话不说就买来给我了，所以有时候年纪比我大的邻居家的小孩还要来请教我轮滑的技巧，再加上出国留学较早，后来在学校认识的中国留学生们遇到什么问题都会来问我，又因为受理工科思维训导的教育较早，非常擅长解决问题，而自己遇到问题却只能一个人面对，偶尔一两次自己一个人实在承受不住情绪上的崩溃试图找认识的人倾诉时对方也是一句话都不说，只是木然地坐着，既不提供情绪支持，也不提供解决方案（所以真的感谢奶酪在我情绪不佳时给我的安慰，我又要说了，你看看人家奶酪！），而我在对方遇到问题找我时，都是无论自己的处境如何心情好坏都是尽力帮忙的，所以身边几乎是找不到可以帮我分担问题的人的，所以只能去找各领域的女强人当自己的精神领袖甚至职业上的榜样，因为觉得在父权社会的大框架下，是没有任何男性的职业规划和经历值得我参考的。在德国公司实习时候的一段经历也让我更加敬佩职业女性们在职场上的刚柔并济。当时隔壁部门的一位女高管平日里在卫生间补妆偶遇时会很亲和地微笑着问我妆化得不错口红是用的什么牌子，而到了开组会的时候她部门的男实习生上来就邀功：诶呀我上周感冒了今天还没好但是我依旧努力完成了PPT。结果整个汇报听得我云里雾里，这位女高管在会上也一改平时温和的态度，相当干练地在他用半小时啰嗦完汇报后语气冰冷地说：以后与会议不相关的废话不用多说，再用三句话就对他的汇报内容进行了完美总结。

It seems that many East Asian women I admire possess some traditionally masculine traits. From Brigitte Lin playing the androgynous role of Dongfang Bubai,

林青霞女扮男装出演的东方不败, 剑眉星目。/ Brigitte Lin as Dongfang Bubai, a female actress in a male disguise, with her sharp eyebrows and starry eyes.

上节目时的女装打扮也是十分妩媚动人的。/ Her feminine appearance on shows was also incredibly charming and captivating.

to the top otokoyaku (male-role actress) Yūki Amami of the Takarazuka Revue,

每次在学校有认识的漂亮女生冲我笑我都代入自己是这个片段里的天海佑希。(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) / Whenever a pretty girl I know smiles at me at school, I can’t help but picture myself as Yūki Amami in that scene. (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

to the world-renowned conductor Tomomi Nishimoto,

and Li Xiaoyun mentioned earlier — they all show a blend of feminine grace and masculine toughness. Their personalities combine strength and gentleness. Most of them, at a young age, have thrived and grown in completely foreign cultural environments relying solely on their outstanding abilities.

My admiration for them is purely based on respect because they have made a distinct mark as women in male-dominated fields, standing out and managing independently. The industries I’ve worked in are mostly male-dominated as well. While gender roles cause different challenges—men often face harsh criticism from superiors, capable women have to endure jealousy from other women and the tedious emotional projections from men as well.

Since I was a slightly older child in my community, even the naughtiest boys in the neighborhood would show me some respect. Because I was spoiled by my parents, whenever I did well in school, they would readily buy me the latest toys or sports equipment. Sometimes, kids older than me from the same neighbourhood would even come to ask me for roller-skating tips. Later, when I studied abroad early on, Chinese international students I met at school would ask me for help with various problems. Thanks to my early training in STEM thinking, I became very good at problem-solving. However, when I faced difficulties, I had to handle them alone. On a few occasions, when I was emotionally overwhelmed and tried to confide in someone I knew, they would just sit silently, offering neither emotional support nor practical solutions (so I really appreciate the comfort Nello gave me when I was down — seriously, look at Nello and look at you!).

Meanwhile, whenever others asked me for help, regardless of my own situation or mood, I always did my best to assist. So, I almost had no one around to share my emotional burdens. That’s why I sought strong women leaders in various fields as my spiritual role models and career inspirations. Because under the framework of a patriarchal society, no male career path or experience seemed worth following for me.

One experience during an internship at a German company deepened my respect for professional women’s blend of toughness and softness. A female senior executive from the neighboring department would greet me warmly with a smile in the restroom when I powder my nose in the mirror, asking about the lipstick I was wearing. But during a meeting, when her male intern went on and on taking half an hour to present and bragged about working despite having a cold, the whole report left me confused. The female executive immediately dropped her usual gentle attitude and sharply told him: “No need for irrelevant rambling during meetings,” then perfectly summarized his entire presentation in just three sentences with a cold tone.

小时候因为父母亲工作忙，平时经常把我一个人留在家里，由于中国不像美国和瑞典一样有禁止把十三岁孩童独自留在家里的法律，他们又觉得看电视会损伤孩童的大脑和三观，出门前经常拔了电视卡带走。就算后来请了保姆来照看我，也是再三叮嘱不要让我看电视。所以当时有大量的时间用来阅读书籍，母亲一整面墙的藏书除了有大量晦涩难懂的专业名词的医学课本之外，尽数看完，学校语文课本中的推荐书目也全部让妈妈买来读，其中就包括一些法国经典名著，例如《我的漂亮朋友》和《包法利夫人》，十岁左右就对世俗社会中的利益置换规则有了一定了解，从而间接导致了对男人这个群体失望较早，毫无幻想。再加上父母严格控制我看电视的时间，青少年时期没有看过什么肥皂剧，家教严格，就算后来把我送出去留学也是时不时提醒要以学业为重，不可以谈恋爱。所以高中大学期间别人都在忙着谈恋爱，劈腿，分手，而我却有大把时间专心研究兴趣爱好，琢磨做菜，做手工和玩乐器，去DC的中高档法餐厅享受美食，以及专注学业。在美国高中的时候也因为说出：“肥皂剧是拍给女人看的黄片。”而被同学评价活得过于清醒，这样不好。当时学校里有男生没和国内的女友分手断干净就开始追求学校里他新喜欢上的女生，觉得这么做非常没有担当，为其感到不齿，被追求的女生也因为喜欢对方又不愿意做第三者被动放到了道德困境中。后来和妈妈聊天聊到这件事，被反问道：如果换作是你会怎么做？

我：如果我是那个男生，我会和国内的女友约好时间视频，至少花两个小时的时间坐下把各自的问题和感受聊清楚，承认以前喜欢她的情绪是真的，或者承认以前和她在一起是出于不想一个人的懦夫情绪，但现在遇到了真正喜欢的人而想要往前看了。如果我是那个女生，我会跟男生讲和他女朋友断干净再来追求我，因为既然他能这样对待现在的女友，以后他就会这样对我。

妈妈：你会这样做？这么做人确实不错但这种人放在我们那个年代都很少见了。

我：看对方态度以及自己心情，很多人是需要情感上的释怀的，这也是我在尊重对方的条件下能给出的最优解。而且感觉他们做事没头没尾的，一段感情的正式开始不应该是一束花和一句告白吗？

幸运的是来瑞典交到的男性朋友对待感情问题上也不像我之前遇到的随意敷衍，对女友不喜欢了也表示自己会提出分手找新地方住，搬出来过一段单身的日子，并打算理清思绪后再搬去喜欢的女生隔壁住。

我听了：我很高兴你不是个混蛋。

When I was little, because my parents were often busy with work, they frequently left me home alone. Unlike in the US or Sweden, China doesn’t have laws prohibiting leaving a 13-year-old child alone at home. My parents also believed watching TV would harm my brain and values, so before leaving the house, they would always unplug and take away the TV cables. Even after they hired a nanny to look after me, they repeatedly instructed her not to let me watch TV.

As a result, I had a lot of time to read. My mother’s entire wall of bookshelves was filled not only with complicated medical textbooks full of obscure terms but also with many other books, all of which I read. I also read all the recommended books from my school’s Chinese literature curriculum that I asked my mom bought for me. Among them were some French classics like Bel Ami and Madame Bovary. By around age ten, I had developed a certain understanding of the transactional rules in worldly society, which indirectly led to my early disappointment and complete lack of illusions about men as a traditional gender group.

Plus, my parents strictly controlled my TV time, so I never watched soap operas during my teenage years. With strict upbringing and frequent reminders—even after sending me abroad to study—that academics should come first and no dating was allowed, while my peers in high school and college were busy falling in love, cheating, and breaking up, I had plenty of time to focus on my hobbies: cooking, crafts, playing instruments, enjoying fine dining at mid-to-high-end French restaurants in DC, and concentrating on my studies.

In American high school, I once said, “Soap operas are basically porn made for women,” and some classmates said I was too realistic and that it’s not good. At school, there was a guy who hadn’t fully broken up with his girlfriend back home but was already pursuing a new girl at school. I thought this was very irresponsible and looked down on him. The girl being pursued liked him but didn’t want to be the other women, which put her in a moral dilemma. Later, when I talked to my mom about this, she asked: “If it were you, what would you do?”

Me: If I were that guy, I would arrange a video call with my girlfriend back home, at least spend two hours sitting down to talk through our problems and feelings. I would admit that my past feelings for her were real or admit that I stayed with her out of fear of being alone, but now I have met someone I truly like and want to move forward. If I were the girl, I would tell the guy to fully break up with his girlfriend before pursuing me, because if he treats his current girlfriend like that, he will do the same to me.

Mom: You would do that? That’s a good way to be, but people like that were even rare in our generation.

Me: It depends on the other person’s attitude and my own mood. Many people need emotional closure, and that’s the best solution I can offer while respecting the other person. Besides, I feel like relationships shouldn’t start without some formality—a bouquet of flowers and a love confession, right?

Fortunately, the male friend I met in Sweden treats relationships differently from the careless guys I encountered before. If he doesn’t like his girlfriend anymore, he says he would break up with her, find a new place to live, spend some time being single, and move next to the girl he likes after sorting out his feelings and clearing his mind.

I said: I’m glad you’re not an assh*le.

出门在外念书有了看电视的自由把青少年时期大热的以灰姑娘遇上高富帅为主题的肥皂剧翻出来用几倍速当做家务的背景音听完，作出的总结也是：只有经济上行文化繁荣时期才会拍出来的电视剧，完全脱离现实，哄骗洗脑普通女孩提高婚恋生育率的工具罢了。经济下行时期通常没有资本愿意砸钱搞艺术创作了，通常是简单粗暴的一句:女的一文不值，纯粹的生育工具罢了，找个人随便嫁了算了。

When I went abroad to study and finally had the freedom to watch TV, I dug up those popular teenage soap operas themed around Cinderella meeting a rich, handsome guy. I listened to them at double or triple speed as background noise while doing chores. My conclusion was: these shows are only produced during times of economic growth and cultural prosperity. They are completely detached from reality and serve as brainwashing tools to deceive ordinary girls into raising marriage and birth rates.

During economic downturns, no investor is willing to spend money on artistic creations. The attitude becomes blunt and harsh: women are worthless, mere tools for reproduction, and they should just marry anyone.

当时在学校里每隔一周都有男女同学因为感情上的问题而情绪崩溃，经常能听到有人边哭边发问：为什么ta不喜欢我了？自己当时认为高中时期的感情并不能长久，而且作为青少年大脑尚未发展承受，生活阅历也不充分，是没有能力去维系一段成熟且稳定的感情的，当时遇到喜欢的人也是保持距离，想着以后等着自己有能力了再去找他，同时也锻炼学习各种技能，为的是以后让和我互相喜欢的人在遇到我后感觉像中了头彩。我的想法并不能被所有人理解和接受，尤其是在凡事都要攀比的东亚群体中。一次周末被同学邀请去聚餐，我听说有人准备了不常见但自己爱吃的蛋饺就去了（怎么?我就是最典型的那类爱美食的金牛女！），结果到了现场才发现除了我之外其他的六个人是三对情侣，场面一度十分尴尬。他们都用在我看来完全没必要的怜悯眼神时不时看我一眼，我吃了两口蛋饺也觉得被他们的眼神打扰到无法专心吃饭，觉得这样对大家都不好。于是我擦了擦嘴，调用在戏剧选修课上磨练出来的演技，在眼中逼出泪花并带着哭腔对在座的三对情侣说：我真的好羡慕你们平时出双入对的哦，我也好想谈个男朋友。结果餐桌上的其他六人的脸上多少都露出了沾沾自喜的神色，在确认他们“过得比我好”的错觉后也不再眼含怜悯地看着我，我也接机多夹了几颗蛋饺到自己的餐盘里一扫而光。结果三对都在高中毕业后不久全都分手了，而我对蛋饺的热爱一直流传至今。

At school, every other week, there would be boys and girls breaking down emotionally over relationship problems. I often heard someone crying and asking, “Why don’t they like me anymore?” almost every week. Back then, I believed that high school relationships rarely lasted. As teenagers, our brains were still developing, and we lacked the life experience to maintain a mature and stable relationship. When I liked someone, I kept my distance, thinking that I’d wait until I was capable enough before building a life with them. Meanwhile, I worked on learning various skills so that when someone who truly like me met me, it would feel like winning the jackpot for him.

Not everyone understood or accepted this mindset of mine, especially in the East Asian community where everything tends to be competitive. One weekend, I was invited to dinner gathering because I heard there would be a rare dish I love—egg dumplings (What? I’m a typical foodie Taurus girl, deal with it!). But when I arrived, I found that the other six people there were three couples, which made the atmosphere a bit awkward. They kept giving me pitiful looks that I found totally unnecessary. I ate a couple of dumplings but felt distracted by their gazes, which was uncomfortable for everyone.

So I wiped my mouth, summoned some acting skills I’d developed in my elective drama class, and with tears welling up and a voice trembling with tears, said to the three couples: “I really envy how you always come in pairs. I wish I had a boyfriend too.” Their faces lit up with smug smiles, clearly relieved after receive confirmation from me that their lives seemed better than mine. They stopped looking at me with pity, and I helped myself with a few more egg dumplings, finishing them all.

In the end, all three couples broke up shortly after graduating high school, but my love for egg dumplings has lived on ever since, long till this day.

因为有被童年时期就认识的男生当时的女友因为误会而言语霸凌过的经历，后来遇到有对象的人都主动退避三舍，再一细想觉得自己做事光明磊落没什么藏着掖着的，便也能和有男女朋友的同学朋友们自如相处。也有遇到过觉得我对他们有想法而说“我有男/女朋友的你知道吗？” 试探我态度的，以前脾气不好的时候读懂对方暗示会撂下一句 “你™做梦”后愤然离席，后来脾气稍微收敛一些，能把玩笑开回去“你不是我的类型你知道吗？”或者“怎么？你是ta的宠物ta不让你交朋友的吗？” 再后来就无语地笑笑也不接话，直接换一个话题给对方留点想象空间，也自信自己的家教以及自己的道德标准是绝不允许自己去当任何关系里的第三者。有时候遇到有对象的男女生对自己做出越界的举动都会冷冰？” 再后来就无语地笑笑也不接话方，如果遇到其女友在场还不老实的，直接会找到女方说：“姐妹管好你的男人！”

Because I had once been verbally bullied by the then-girlfriend of a boy I’d known since childhood—due to a misunderstanding—I later made a conscious effort to keep my distance from anyone already in a relationship. On reflection, I realized that I conduct myself with integrity and have nothing to hide, which helped me become more at ease interacting with classmates and friends who had partners.

I’ve also encountered people in relationships who assumed I was interested in them and tried to “test” me with lines like, “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend you know?” When I was younger and more short-tempered, I’d catch the implication and shoot back something like, “You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me,” or “Not in your f*cking wildest dream,” before storming off. Later on, as my temper mellowed a bit, I’d respond playfully with, “You’re not even my type you know?” or “What, are you their pet? You are not even allowed to have friends?”

Eventually, I stopped wasting words and would just smile silently and change the subject, letting them sit in their own imagination. I’m confident in my upbringing and moral standards—I would never allow myself to be the other woman in anyone’s relationship.

Whenever someone with a partner crossed the line with me, I’d respond with an icy cold demeanor. And if their girlfriend happened to be present and they still acted out of line, I’d go straight to her and say, “Girl, control your man!”

张艺谋在拍摄《长城》的时候就被主演马特·达蒙问说为什么剧情就不能安排男女主发生点什么呢？张艺谋听了回答说因为他们只是同门师兄妹的关系啊。

马特·达蒙：那他们之间为什么就是不能发生点什么呢？

张艺谋：同门师兄妹啦

马特·达蒙：那为什么不能发生点什么呢？

张艺谋：同门！师兄妹！

马特·达蒙：那发生点什么呗？

张艺谋：……………………

后来但凡遇到误会把我的友善当暧昧的欧美人，尤其是美国人，想到上面这段就觉得算了算了，张艺谋这种国际大导演都解释不清的问题自己也不想轻易尝试。

When Zhang Yimou was filming The Great Wall, lead actor Matt Damon asked him, “Why can’t something happen between the male and female leads in the story?”

Zhang Yimou replied, “Because they’re fellow disciples from the same sect.”
Matt Damon: “But why can’t something still happen between them?”
Zhang Yimou: “They’re just fellow disciples.”
Matt Damon: “So? Why can’t something happen?”
Zhang Yimou: “Fellow disciples! From! The same! Sect!”
Matt Damon: “Then let something happen!”
Zhang Yimou: “……………”

So now, whenever I run into Westerners—especially Americans—who misinterpret my friendliness as flirtation, I just think of above conversation exchange and go: never mind then. If even an internationally acclaimed director like Zhang Yimou couldn’t explain that dynamic derived from culture gap, then I’m certainly not about to try.

有段时间中文媒体上闹得沸沸扬扬的成龙被爆出私生女的新闻，后来到欧洲念书和同学聊天时发现他们对此事完全不了解，在他们心目中成龙依旧是中国功夫和电影的正面代名词，不得不感慨语言差异有时候真的是信息传播的壁垒。其中成龙在记者会中对自己的行为进行辩解而说出的那句臭名昭著的：“我只是犯了天下男人都会犯的错误。”在中文世界引起轩然大波，身边的女性和部分男性听了无一不感到愤怒，而我却心如止水，没什么反应，被问到为什么，只是淡然回答：“你们之所以还能感到愤怒是因为你们对现实世界中的男性还抱有最后一丝幻想，而我对男性这个群体完全没有任何幻想，他说的话符合客观事实。”讲给母亲听了之后她对我表示理解，在婚姻关系的问题上也不再刻意强迫我，选择尊重我的意愿。而父亲在一次因为我不愿谈男朋友这个问题上起争执的时候也偶然说出了我在大部分东亚男人那里永远不可能听到，却是他们对我最真实的评价：“你就是书读太多太不好骗了。”而我心里也清楚，也正因为他是我父亲，才能做到对我坦诚到这般地步。

There was a time when the Chinese media was in an uproar over Jackie Chan’s extramarital affair and the revelation of his illegitimate daughter. But when I went to study in Europe and chatted with classmates, I realized they had no idea or access about this kind of information. In their minds, Jackie Chan was still a positive symbol of Chinese kung fu and cinema. It really struck me how language can act as a barrier to information—how certain news simply doesn’t cross linguistic boundaries.

One line from Jackie Chan’s press conference became particularly notorious in the Chinese-speaking world:
"I just made a mistake that all men in the world would make."
That sentence caused a massive backlash—every woman I knew, and even many men, were furious after hearing it. But I felt nothing. When someone asked why, I replied calmly:
"You’re angry because you still hold onto a shred of hope when it comes to men in the real world. I don’t. I have zero illusions about the male gender. What he said, unfortunately, aligns with objective reality."

When I told my mother that, she understood—and after that, she no longer pressured me about marriage. She chose to respect my wishes.

But my father, during a heated argument about why I refused to date or even willing to get married, accidentally blurted out something I’d probably never hear from most East Asian men—yet it was also the truest thing he could’ve said about me:
"You’ve read too many books. You’re too smart to be fooled."

And I knew—precisely because he’s my father—he was able to be that honest with me.

对男性没有幻想的其中一个好处就是，在大部分女生都在追求或幻想学校中颇受欢迎的校草和可爱男生的时候，自己却因为对他们不抱任何想法以及共同的兴趣爱好而有能力和他们成为很好的朋友。但不是单看长相不作筛选，东方有花瓶的说法，西方有战利品妻子这一词汇，生活中也遇到过一些人空有一副皮囊，几次接触下来后却发现对方脑袋空空，虚荣肤浅至极，到了后来便不愿意再打交道。校草们的女友来来去去换了又换，而我每逢假期周末的时候还能约他们出来吃饭，谈天说地，互相交换礼物，甚至挽着他们的胳膊或坐在他们的车后座以好朋友的身份逛街谈天。有时候会因为他们交了占有欲特别强的女友而和朋友们断联，而分手后总会恢复之前的友谊，甚至互吐不快。偶尔也有女生以“我只是想和你一样跟他们成为朋友“的理由接近我和我要他们联系方式，最后以熬不住和他们告白被拒收场的时候，自己总是觉得无奈，甚至自责。有的女生还会因为出于嫉妒而把他们从我身边“抢”走，结果多是因为满足不了他们的设想和虚荣心，自己也没能力和这些男生们维持友谊而散场。因为是很好的朋友，所以能看到这些漂亮可爱的男孩子们私下里真实的样子。很多人接近他们多是因为被外貌吸引，只想享受作为他们朋友的虚荣心，接触多了发现他们和普通人无异反而会失望离开，不愿意在他们遇到问题的时候以朋友的身份一起面对解决。而我因为一开始就把他们当作普通人看待，有时候能听到他们被不喜欢的人强行追求后最真实的评价，是非常消极负面的，他们自己也觉得备受困扰，再加上自己也被身边亲近的男性朋友以”我想跟你说一件事“的开场白毁过单纯美好的友谊，以及有被不被自己喜欢甚至接受的男男女女强行追求过的不愉快经历，所以自己在遇到喜欢的男生的时候总是格外小心，刻意保持距离，不愿意去随意打扰对方，在别人眼里看来算是毫无兴趣甚至是讨厌对方的。对不喜欢不感兴趣的人总是能做到信息秒回，而对于喜欢的人总是花很久的时间思考措辞，内耗严重，连用什么标点符号都要琢磨一番的。

One of the perks of having no romantic illusions about men is that, while most girls were busy chasing or fantasizing about the most popular or cute boys at school, I could actually become close friends with them—precisely because I had no ulterior motives and we shared similar interests.

That’s not to say I didn’t have standards. I wasn’t attracted to just anyone with a good-looking face. In the East, we talk about “vase” types—pretty but empty—and in the West, there’s the term “trophy wife.” I’ve met my share of people who had stunning looks but, after a few interactions, turned out to be superficial and vacuous, driven entirely by vanity. Once I recognized that, I would cut contact without hesitation.

While these campus heartthrobs cycled through girlfriend after girlfriend, I could still call them up over holidays or weekends to grab a meal, chat about life, exchange gifts, or even go shopping arm-in-arm or ride in the backseat of their cars—strictly as friends. Sometimes, our friendships would be temporarily interrupted when they dated overly possessive girlfriends, but after those relationships ended, we’d reconnect and even vent about the experience.

Every now and then, a girl would approach me saying, “I just want to be friends with them like you are,” and ask for their contact info—only to end up confessing their feelings, getting rejected, and backing away awkwardly. I always felt helpless and even a bit guilty in those situations. Some girls, driven by jealousy, would try to “steal” these guys from me, only to realize they couldn’t meet their expectations or keep the friendship going, and things would fizzle out.

Because I was a true friend, I got to see the real side of these charming and good-looking boys, the one most people didn’t get to witness. Many people only approached them out of physical attraction or basking in the reflected glow of popularity. But once they realized these boys were just normal people with normal flaws, they’d get disappointed and drift away—especially when problems arose. Few stuck around to help them through it.

From the start, I always treated them like ordinary people, which is why they sometimes confided in me in their genuine frustrations—like how uncomfortable they felt being pursued by people they had no interest in. I could relate, having had my own friendships ruined by close male friends who started their confessions with “I need to tell you something…” and being pursued by people (of any gender) I had no interest in, which was always deeply unpleasant.

So when I did develop feelings for someone, I became extremely cautious. I’d intentionally keep my distance and avoid bothering them, to the point where others might assume I disliked them or wasn’t interested at all. I could reply instantly to people I didn’t care about, but for someone I liked, I’d spend forever agonizing over every word—overthinking every sentence, even the punctuation.

在国内念书的时候是学校音乐社的成员，一次圣诞汇演自己的节目被选中，后来临近演出每天晚自习的时候我都是拎着同学的小提琴跟老师说我要去参与彩排提前走了，然后潇洒地在同学羡慕的眼光中头也不回地走出教室。演出当天被妈妈带去当地的礼服店做了造型化了装，选了一件雪白的纱裙穿上，爸爸见了很高兴还给我拍了很多张照片。后来回国工作的时候再提及的时候跟他说，四舍五入你也算见过我穿婚纱的样子了，也没必要一直催我结婚嘛。因为当天晚上爸爸有工作上的应酬，妈妈有两年一次的高中同学聚会，所以把我送去演出现场便匆忙离开了。结果到了后台，大概是化了妆打扮了一下的缘故，和平时戴眼镜的书呆子形象完全不同，甚至听到平日一直一起彩排的男生在小声问旁边的人“那个新来的漂亮女生是谁？”只记得坐在琴凳前弹钢琴时头顶的舞台灯照得自己有些晃眼，演出结束便匆匆从后台的休息室打开门出去跑走了，现在回想起来觉得当时的自己就像舞会结束怕魔法消失的灰姑娘，在学校门口拦下一辆出租车打算回家，上车时却被司机不怀好意地上下打量还语气轻浮地问我：“哟穿成这样去哪儿的啊？”想怼对方：“你在学校门口接的我你说呢？”却没说出口。回到家收到给演出做主持人的校草朋友的消息问：你跑去哪里了？大家都在找你诶，还有同学带了花准备演出结束后要送你的。回复对方说抱歉我回家啦，便换下衣服休息了。结果第二天到了学校一早就听到前一天看了演出的同学在四处问昨天晚上弹钢琴的那个白裙女生是谁。我穿着平日的便服，又带上了黑框眼镜站在人群中默不作声也不敢回应，中午放学回家在十字路口等红绿灯的时候碰巧遇到音乐社的社长在和一群人聊天，偶然听见他们也是在问我是谁叫什么名字，正好社长扭头用余光看到了我，我也只是摇摇头用口型让他不要说，对方也善解人意地微微点头回头继续聊天，然后绿灯亮起的时候自己便骑车往前走了。这样做是因为心里知道属于自己的“每个人都会出名15分钟”的高光已经过去，因为被舞台打光和特意做的造型而吸引来自陌生同学们的关注也会在下一个 “弹钢琴的漂亮女生”出现后消失殆尽，对我一时的喜欢也只是出自肤浅的外观上的吸引。也果不其然在我意料之中的，元旦假期结束后学校里就再也没听到过打听我的人了。

When I was studying in China, I was an active member of the school’s music club. One year, my performance was selected for the school’s Christmas showcase. As the performance drew near, I got to leave evening self-study sessions early every day, carrying a classmate’s violin and telling the teacher I had rehearsal. I would walk coolly out of the classroom under the envious gazes of my classmates, never once looking back.

On the day of the performance, my mom took me to a local formalwear shop to get my hair and makeup done. I wore a snow-white tulle dress. My dad was so pleased when he saw me that he took dozens of pictures on his phone. Later, after I’d started working and returned home, I joked with him, “Well, technically speaking, you’ve already seen me in a wedding dress—no need to keep pressuring me to get married.”

That night, Dad had a business dinner and Mom had her high school reunion, which only happened every two years, so they dropped me off at the venue and left in a hurry. Backstage, I looked totally different from my usual bookish self—thanks to the makeup and outfit and not wearing my glasses. I even overheard a guy I’d been rehearsing with every evening whisper to someone, “Who’s that new pretty girl?”

I remember sitting at the piano under the bright stage lights, which were a bit dazzling. After the performance, I quickly slipped out of the backstage dressing room and ran off. Thinking back, I feel like Cinderella fleeing right before the magic disappeared. I hailed a taxi in front of the school to go home, but as I got in, the driver looked me up and down with a sleazy expression and asked in a suggestive tone, “All dressed up like that—where did you come from?” I wanted to snap back with, “You picked me up at a school gate—what do you think?” but I held my tongue and just sit in silence in the back seat.

When I got home, I received a message from a close friend—the campus heartthrob who was hosting the event—asking, “Where did you run off to? Everyone’s looking for you! Someone even brought flowers to give you after the show.” I apologized and told him I had already gone home, then quietly changed out of my dress and went to bed.

The next morning at school, I overheard classmates who had seen the performance asking around: “Who was that girl in the white dress playing piano last night?” Dressed in my usual plain clothes and thick, black-framed glasses, I stood silently among the crowd, not wanting to say anything.

At noon, while waiting at a crosswalk on my bike, I happened to overhear the president of the music club chatting with a group of people. They, too, were asking who I was as well. He glanced over and saw me out of the corner of his eye. I simply shook my head and mouthed, “Don’t say anything.” He understood, gave me a subtle nod, and turned back to his conversation. When the light turned green, I pedaled forward.

I stayed silent because I knew my brief “15 minutes of fame” had passed. All the attention from those from unfamiliar classmates that I had attracted due to the stage lighting and the white dress would disappear when the next “pretty girl playing the piano” appeared. Their temporary affection for me was just a superficial attraction to my appearance. As expected, after the New Year’s Day holiday, I never heard anyone asking about me at school again.

后来去了美国高中念书，学校里的每个人似乎都被打上了标签，一开始因自己为性格内向不爱讲话被贴上了书呆子的标签，后来受朋克摇滚乐影响，买了很多乐队T以及开始化妆打扮，学校里受欢迎的刻薄女生总是会在嘲讽我哥特朋克日式校服风格的穿着之后不久开始模仿，有了在国内学校上千人面前演出的经历，自然对在整个学校加起来一百人出头学校里搞等级制度这种事情是不感兴趣的，而且因为学校人少，但凡什么啦啦队，体育运动队只要报名就可以参加，当时只是觉得对方上一周在笑我的穿搭这一周就开始模仿金鱼一样的记忆以及口是心非的人格实在是有些好笑，心里默默背诵奥斯卡·王尔德的那句：“模仿是平庸者对伟大者的最高级别的致敬。”便也没再计较什么。但美国的高中也给了我极大的穿衣打扮自由，后来还把自己的Instagram账号的简介改成了"That emo kid in every teenage movie/TV show's background like it's mandatory."(“每部青春片的背景都得安排的那个标配emo青少年。”)

在高中的时候午休时间吃完午饭喜欢去有钢琴的教室弹钢琴，基本都是一个人把自己熟练的曲子练一遍后再直接去上下午的课。有一次一曲弹完身后却响起掌声，回头一看是一位早来教室准备上课的十二年级法裔漂亮学姐，脸上挂着热烈亲切的笑容，一点没有高年级学生对低年级学生拿架子的样子，对我说：“经常在教室外听到听弹钢琴诶，你弹得真不错，今天终于有机会告诉你了！” 不习惯这么公开地被人赞扬，向她道了谢后就红着脸低头跑出了教室，那一周想到她的评价心情都是愉悦的。

不知从何时起就开始收到无数次“你好酷”的评价，起初还觉得挺高兴，到最后听到的次数实在太多但凡从别人嘴里听到讲我“酷”第一反应不是感激而是烦躁到翻白眼，甚至还跟妈妈抱怨说：被他们这么普通的人说酷就感觉是被很酷的人说普通诶！高中毕业后就删除了Instagram的账号还卸载了软件，大学有一次化了朋克的妆容去学校附近的音乐酒吧看现场演出，站在角落里喝饮料的时候被两个女生拦住要Instagram账号，回答说我不用之后对方：那你也太酷了吧。

逆反心理当场发作当晚回家就又重新装回Instagram还申请了新的账号。

When I later went to high school in the U.S., it felt like everyone there had been assigned a label. At first, because I was quiet and introverted, I was labeled as a “nerd.” But after I got into punk rock, started wearing a lot of band T-shirts, and began experimenting with makeup and my own style, things changed. The popular mean girls at school would often mock my goth-punk-Japanese-school-uniform-inspired outfits—only to start copying them not long after.

Having once performed in front of over a thousand people back in my Chinese school, I really couldn’t be bothered with the social hierarchy in a high school with just over a hundred students total. And because the school was so small, basically anyone could join the cheerleader squad or sports teams just by signing up. I honestly found it kind of funny that someone who mocked my outfit one week would be imitating it the next, like a goldfish with a memory span of seven seconds. Every time that happened, I’d silently recite Oscar Wilde’s quote to myself: “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” So I never took it personally.

However, American high school gave me an incredible amount of freedom in how I dressed. At some point, I even changed my Instagram bio to: “That emo kid in every teenage movie/TV show's background like it's mandatory.”

Back in high school, I used to enjoy spending my lunch break playing the piano in a classroom that had one. I was usually alone — I’d run through the pieces I knew well and then head straight to my afternoon classes.

One day, just as I finished playing a piece, I suddenly heard applause behind me. I turned around and saw a beautiful 12th-grade girl of French descent, who had come early to prepare for the afternoon class. She wore a warm, enthusiastic smile on her face, without the slightest trace of the aloofness that upperclassmen sometimes show younger students.

She said to me, “I often hear you playing from outside the classroom — you’re really good! I finally get the chance to tell you that today!”

Not used to being praised so openly, I thanked her and then ran out of the classroom blushed, head down.
For the rest of that week, just thinking about her compliment filled me with joy.

At some point, I started receiving comments such as “You’re so cool” over and over again. At first, it was kind of flattering. But eventually, I heard it so often that anytime someone called me “cool,” my first reaction wasn’t gratitude—it was annoyance and an eyeroll. I even complained to my mom: “When people that basic call me cool, it feels like someone actually cool just called me basic!”

巴黎街头伸出墙外的无花果树。/ A fig tree jutting out from a wall on a street in Paris.

After graduating high school, I deleted my Instagram account and uninstalled the app altogether. But one time in college, I went to a live show at a nearby music bar wearing a full punk look. While I was standing in the corner sipping a drink, two girls came up to me and asked for my Instagram. When I told them I didn’t use it, they responded, “You’re so freaking cool.”

Instant rebellion mode activated—I went home that night, reinstalled Instagram, and made a brand-new account.

大一圣诞节假期的时候回南加沙漠的住家一起过节，还认识了当时住在他们家里的两个中国学生。其中一位喜欢在网站上写日记，没经过我同意便把当时随手拍的我的照片以及同他们的合影发在了所有人可见的网站上，被我发现时有我的几张照片下面已经有网路上的陌生人在评论里问我是谁以及问我的名字和联系方式的，因为那个网站有全网最大的非自愿独身者聚集的论坛，还经常按照他们扭曲的三观和道德标准经常组织人肉被他们莫名其妙盯上的女生，被吓到当即就让她删了照片。因为当时刚成年，处理事情不够成熟，所以语气有些严厉刻薄，但也受这件事影响后来不再爱被别人拍照，除了一些家人朋友居多的社交软件也很少放自己的照片，也不喜欢受到陌生人因为自己的外表而给的关注。开始写博客的时候也和会提到的人再三确认获得许可后再把对方写进来。

During my freshman year winter break, I returned to the host family's house in the Southern California desert to spend the holidays. While I was there, I met two other Chinese students who were staying with the family at the time. One of them liked to post journal entries on a public website, and without asking for my permission, she uploaded candid photos of me as well as group pictures that included me.

When I discovered it, I noticed that under several of my photos, random strangers online had already started commenting—asking who I was, what my name was, and even trying to get my contact information. The website she posted on happened to be home to one of the internet’s largest communities of involuntary celibates, a group notorious for their warped worldview and questionable moral standards. They were known for organizing doxxing campaigns against women who caught their attention for no apparent reason.

I was terrified. I immediately demanded that she take the photos down. Since I had just turned 18, I didn’t handle the situation as maturely as I might have now—my tone was harsh and blunt—but the experience had a long-lasting impact on me.

After that, I became extremely reluctant to be photographed, and I avoided sharing pictures of myself online except in close-circle social media accounts with mostly family and friends. I also never enjoyed the kind of attention from strangers that was solely based on how I looked.

When I eventually started blogging, I made it a point to always get clear permission from anyone I mentioned by name or anonymously or in detail—especially if I was going to include personal stories involving them.

后来在国内当硬件工程师测试电子产品的镜头和屏幕也意识到了为什么在东亚甚至世界范围内的鄙视链上，科学家要比工程师的地位高。科学家只追求或证明自然中已经存在的定理和规则，讲究严谨，平时做测量和计算都要按科学计数法精确到小数点后两位。而工程师却要依靠自己的能力，审美，甚至客户的需求去研发和优化产品，平时做计算也因为要追求效率会四舍五入。比如π值，科学家会取3.14，而对于工程师来讲3就足够了。各个手机厂商的相机，就严重依赖各自公司高级工程师的审美能力和执行能力，有的公司度过创业早期累积了一定的资本后会选择和医美整形机构合作，因为使用习惯的缘故，多数人平时在使用手机的时候前置相机都会全程对着自己的脸，而手机上的一些软件也在无时无刻收集用户的面部信息和数据，然后故意在相机人像显示或者拍摄的算法上把用户的照片拍失真变形，再给其推送整形广告，这也是为什么相机拍出来的照片几乎和镜子里看到的自己的形象不同的愿意之一，在公司做了一段硬件工程师后平时也会把相机镜头用遮光胶布贴起来，只有偶尔拍照的时候才揭开。

Later, when I worked in China as a hardware engineer testing electronic product components like lenses and screens, I gradually came to understand why—both in East Asia and even globally—scientists tend to be ranked higher than engineers in the intellectual hierarchy.

Scientists pursue or verify the natural laws and principles that already exist in the world. They operate with strict rigor—measurements and calculations must be exact, often using scientific notation and precise to two decimal places.

Engineers, on the other hand, must rely not just on technical ability, but also on aesthetic judgment and client demands to develop and optimize products. For the sake of efficiency, engineers often round off numbers. For example, while scientists might use the value of π as 3.14, for engineers, just using 3 is often enough.

Take smartphone cameras, for instance. Their performance heavily depends on the aesthetic sense and technical execution of each brand’s senior engineers. Once companies accumulate enough capital after surviving their startup phase, some even partner with or invest in cosmetic surgery institutions. Because of user habits, most people use the front-facing camera on their phones frequently—often pointing it at their own faces all the time.

Meanwhile, certain phone apps constantly collect users’ facial data in the background. These apps are designed to subtly distort and degrade the way a user’s face appears through the camera—creating a visual disconnect from how one sees oneself in a mirror. Then, they’ll push targeted plastic surgery ads to exploit that dissatisfaction. This is one reason why people often feel that they look completely different in a photo compared to what they see in the mirror.

After working as a hardware engineer for a while, I started covering my phone’s camera lens with light-blocking tape when I wasn’t using it—only peeling it off when I actually needed to take a photo.

单身久了在瑞典念书时没有遇到喜欢的人之前被别人问到有没有谈恋爱的意愿都是回答：拜托我可是喜欢说走就走自己一个人出游的人诶，干嘛要找一个男的拴住我，限制我的人身自由。订了给自己过农历生日去巴黎的行程后，却因为想到和当时喜欢的人不能天天见面甚至产生了取消出行计划的想法。

认识的人听了：不行哦，那你更要去了，巴黎可是爱情之都诶！

然而去了巴黎之后没有一天不在想他。

回瑞典之后生日当天收到喜欢的男生说不能来我生日聚会消息的时候正好坐在朋友家的沙发上聊天，前一秒还在嬉皮笑脸下一秒就失望到垂下眼睛，眼神空洞地只会和抱住安慰我的朋友重复“他说他不来了。”

后来到自己的新公寓取东西遇到房东阿姨提到这件事，在说在对方没有给出明确理由和我取消的时候眼泪止不住地往下掉。

房东阿姨送我进电梯的时候说：“小姑娘不要哭了啦，今天打扮得这么漂亮过生日，为这种粗鲁没修养的男人不值得。“

我嘴上说着好的心里却想的是“那至少他提前跟我讲了不是嘛，自己打扮这么漂亮他又看不到。“并盯着电梯镜子里自己的倒影暗自庆幸自己不算是一个哭相难看的人来安慰自己。

After being single for a long time, when I was studying in Sweden and hadn’t met anyone I liked yet, anytime someone asked if I wanted to be in a relationship, I would always reply, “Please, I’m the kind of girl who loves to travel solo on a whim—why would I want a man tying me down and restricting my freedom?”

But after I booked a solo trip to Paris to celebrate my Chinese calendar birthday, I caught myself seriously considering canceling it—just because I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing the boy I like every day.

When someone I knew heard this, they said, “No way, now you have to go. Paris is the city of love!”

And yet, every single day I was in Paris, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

On the day of my birthday, after I got back to Sweden, I was sitting on a friend’s couch chatting when I received a message from him saying he couldn’t come to my birthday gathering. One moment I was laughing, and the next, I lowered my eyes in quiet disappointment, emotionally blank, repeating to the friend who was hugging me in comfort: “He said he’s not coming.”

Later, when I stopped by my new apartment to pick up a few things, I ran into my landlady. I ended up telling her about it, and as I explained how he canceled on me without even giving a clear reason, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

As she walked me to the elevator, she said, “Don’t cry, sweetheart. You look so beautiful today on your birthday. A rude and inconsiderate man like that isn’t worth it.”

I nodded and said, “Okay,” but inside I was thinking, Well, at least he told me in advance... I went through all this effort to look pretty, and he didn’t even get to see it. I stared at my reflection in the elevator mirror and consoled myself with the thought that at least I wasn’t an ugly crier.

遇到自己喜欢的男生不久后从滑雪度假村回去路上的傍晚看见了彩虹，也终于切身理解了那句出自电影《怦然心动》中的“斯人若彩虹，遇上方知有”这句台词，喜欢的人也给了我之前从未经历过的，截然不同的心动感受和前所未有的情绪变化，也大概是遇到他之后才理解了不是出自血缘关系的“爱”是什么样的一种情愫，我素来引以为豪的独立与隐忍也因为他的出现在自己身后投下了名为孤独与敏感的影子。

Shortly after meeting the boy I like, on the way back from a ski resort one evening, I saw a rainbow. It was then that I truly understood the line from the movie Flipped: “Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss. But every once in a while, you find someone who's iridescent. And when you do, nothing will ever compare.” Just like a rainbow. The independence and resilience I once wore like armor were, in his presence, start to shadow by a lingering sense of loneliness and quiet sensitivity.

The person I like gives me feelings of a completely different kind of heart-flutter and emotions I had never experienced before. It was probably only after meeting him that I finally understood what “love” feels like—something beyond blood ties.

看过对《天使爱美丽》的一句总结，说这部电影讲述的是关于两个内向害羞的人的爱情故事。初看时实在是没觉得男主尼诺到底害羞在哪了，倒是爱美丽第一次见他时就对他一见钟情心脏怦怦跳，而他只是因为爱美丽长得漂亮多看了她几眼，然后便全程一直在专注自己的工作以及兴趣爱好然后莫名其妙地捞到一个擅长做饭且古灵精怪的漂亮女生当女友罢了。后来再看时发现男主为了和女主见面会特意和同事调整自己的上班时间好去见她，晚上睡觉时在梦里都在询问相片上的人关于她的信息，以想要了解她更多，后来去她的公寓找她扑了个空后还是不甘心地冒着雨回头再次去找她，也终于相遇互相表露了心迹。在遇到喜欢的人之前在自家客厅看这部电影的总会因为知道后续情节如何发展，在爱美丽一个人面带笑容哼着小曲，自在地往做给自己一人份的意面上磨芝士碎的时候大叫：你看你心里没装着男人一个人过小日子的时候多开心呀！遇到喜欢的人之后却开始对爱美丽在尼诺迟到10分钟后就开始胡思乱想的片段共情。尤其是那句“爱美丽也不知道这个头上带着顶蠢帽子成天喝蔬菜汤的家伙对自己而言有什么好喜欢的。” 比如给喜欢的人发消息对方没有及时回复自己就会焦躁到发消息狂轰滥炸朋友们，还威胁说他要再不回消息我就开始哭到发大水淹了整个瑞典，后来等到他回消息心里想的也是：世界能源危机最好已经是全靠你解决了！中东地区的战争最好是凭你一己之力摆平了！非洲最好也是因为你没空回我消息而没挨饿受冻的小孩了！瞧把你能耐的这么久才回我消息！你最好是在忙着拯救世界！可发给对方的却是：没事的啦~知道你忙~

I once read a summary of Amélie that said the movie is about the love story of two shy, introverted people. The first time I watched it, I honestly didn’t see where the male lead, Nino, was shy at all. In fact, Amélie instantly falls for him the moment she sees him, her heart pounding, while he just glanced a few extra seconds at her because she looked pretty, then spent most of the time focused on his work and hobbies, somehow ending up with a quirky, pretty girlfriend who’s good at cooking.

But when I watched it again later, I noticed how Nino rearranged his work schedule just to meet Amélie, how he asked the person in the photo about her in his dreams, how after showing up at her apartment and finding her not there, he still braved the rain to come back and finally meet her and confess their feelings.

Before I met someone I like, I’d watch this movie alone in my living room, already knowing how it would end. I’d shout at Amélie on the screen, smiling and humming to herself while gratefully adding cheese to her single-serving pasta, “Look how happy you are living alone without carrying a man in your heart!”

But after I fell for someone, I started relating to the scene where Amélie gets anxious when Nino is 10 minutes late. Especially the line: “Amélie refuses to get upset for a guy who’ll eat borscht all his life in a hat like a tea cozy. ”

Clip from Amélie-Nino is late (Nino est en retard🙄): https://youtu.be/rdklJDAzDKk?si=KJPSxFt6aoNTex9M

For example, if I send messages to someone I like and they don’t reply quickly, I get so anxious I spam my friends with messages and threaten that if he doesn’t reply soon, I’ll start crying and flood the whole Sweden. When he finally replies, I think, “You better have single-handedly solved the world energy crisis! The wars in the Middle East better be ended because you’re too busy to reply me! There’are better no kids starving in Africa because you didn’t answer my messages in time!” Yet what I actually send him is: “No worries~ I know you’re busy~”

Crazy Rich Asians-“Finish your nugguts, there are children starving in American”: https://youtu.be/ANYkbKmglWU?si=kGVKIRzJA0njrbNN

在爱情之都总是会无法避免地谈到爱情，但又因为自己的爱情观相对过于现实或者说，有些负面，在和朋友聊天时聊到有什么电影可以是作为理想爱情的模板的时候，我说：我感觉我的选择多多少少都有些有毒

朋友：怎么个有毒法？说来听听？

我：《一天》

朋友：不会啊，女主角艾玛很可爱不是么

我：我代入的可是男主德克斯特的角色哦

朋友：哦…

我：以及《和莎莫的500天》

朋友：这回你是汤姆？

我：我是莎莫:D

朋友：你确实有毒……

我：只是因为不怎么相信爱情罢了

In the city of love, Paris, conversations about romance are inevitable. But because my view on love is quite realistic—or some might say, a bit negative—when I was chatting with friends about which movies could serve as models for ideal love, I said:
“I feel like my choices are all somewhat toxic.”

Friend: “How toxic? Tell me more.”
Me: One Day.
Friend: “No way, the female lead Emma is quite sweet.”
Me: “But I relate more to Dexter, the male lead.”
Friend: “Oh...I see...”
Me: “And 500 Days of Summer.”
Friend: “This time you’re Tom?”
Me: “Nope, I’m Summer :D”
Friend: “You really are toxic...”
Me: “I just don’t really believe in love, that’s all.”

One Day-“We’ll see each other again.”: https://youtu.be/d6HKyTSnc7o?si=LSgE959YEkK3rSpR

500 Days of Summer-“She’s a dude!”: https://youtu.be/Qm0gMalkGMk?si=bzjgsSClUdQDjKRD

500 Days of Summer-“You never wanted to be anybody’s girlfriend, and now you’re somebody’s wife.”: https://youtu.be/xlgyDSUB_yE?si=EZB7CaUGsMIOu82I

因为喜欢《哈尔的移动城堡》，连自己的英文名都是取自于女主角苏菲的妹妹，取景地也是法国风情小镇科尔马，一直到现在都觉得电影中的哈尔完全是自己理想中男朋友的样子，还去把自己的头发漂染成了和女主角苏菲一样的银色。因为自己身为亚洲人发质偏硬头发黑色素偏多，在理发店第一次漂完的时候发色变成了鲜橙色，跟特朗普的头发是一个色号，气得我大叫“啊好难看快再给我漂一次呀！”喜欢自拍来记录自己发色和头发状态的自己当时也是一张照片都没拍，现在想来倒也蛮像是被苏菲打扫完浴室魔法失灵头发变成橘色而崩溃的哈尔。

“如果我🥺不漂亮🥺的话🥹活着🥹又有😭什么意思😭” ：https://youtu.be/JFpEMYh7k8Q?si=k2KiGgk4gt1qa921

Because I love Howl’s Moving Castle, I even chose my English name after Sophie’s sister from the movie, and the filming location—Colmar, a charming French town—is one of my favorites. To this day, I still think Howl perfectly embodies my ideal boyfriend. I even dyed my hair silver like Sophie’s in the movie back in college.

But since I’m Asian with naturally coarse hair and a lot of melanin, when I first bleached my hair at the salon, it turned bright orange—the exact same shade as Donald Trump’s hair! I was so upset I yelled, “Ah, it looks awful! Please bleach it again! Now!” I usually love taking selfies to document my hair color and condition, but at that moment I didn’t take a single photo. Looking back, I kind of felt like Howl after Sophie messed up his magic portion in his bathroom and his hair turned orange.

“I see🥺 no point🥺 of living🥹 if I🥹 cannot😭 be beautiful😭”: https://youtu.be/JFpEMYh7k8Q?si=k2KiGgk4gt1qa921

银发洗过几次就会褪成浅金色，再加上自己自然卷的发质，平时又喜欢穿乐队T，便变得像80年代的金色卷发的摇滚乐队成员，还被身边的人评价说蓬蓬松松的头发很像棉花糖。后来大概是自己等得太久了，觉得自己既然找不到哈尔，就决定自己变成他好了。来到瑞典后加入了Gotland Nation每隔一个月就会组织放吉卜力电影的活动，也给了来看电影的观众们可以打扮成电影里角色的样子来出席活动的自由。有一次为了扮哈尔在下单了蓝色的美瞳，还跑去跟奶酪开玩笑说我要是有你的蓝眼睛就好了，这样连买美瞳的钱都省了。后来几次自己主办的电影之夜都是打扮成吉卜力中的男性角色去参加，认识的一位日本女生也配合我打扮成搭对的女性角色，放《魔女宅急便》的时候也是她扮琪琪我扮成蜻蜓的样子去参加，因为这两个角色在续集书中的内容中结婚组建了家庭，后来便一直开玩笑和别人讲她是我的老婆。每次有她出席的我举办的晚餐聚会还要和其他客人隆重介绍： “给大家介绍一下，这位是我的老婆。” 在一些人露出惊讶的神色时自己还要再接上一句：“不然你以为我说的我在日本有家人是什么意思？叔叔和表亲吗？（事实情况确实如此）”

有几次和很久不联系的人叙旧时对方在听到我这么多年来一直单身表示惊讶说：“你条件这么好大家都以为你早就结婚了，不敢追诶。”

我开玩笑说：你要勇敢一点的话说不定我会为了你而离婚哦。

After washing my silver hair a few times, it faded to a light blonde. Combined with my naturally curly hair and my love for band T-shirts, I started to look like an ’80s rock band member with golden curls. People around me even said my fluffy hair looked like cotton candy.

Maybe I was just tired of waiting too long, so I decided: since I can’t find my Howl, I’ll just become him myself. After moving to Sweden, I joined Gotland Nation, and organizes Ghibli movie nights every other month and encourages attendees to dress up as characters from the films.

Once, to dress as Howl, I ordered blue contact lenses and joked with Nello, saying, “I wish I had your blue eyes, then I wouldn’t even need to buy contacts.” At several movie nights I hosted, I dressed as male Ghibli characters, and a Japanese friend of mine would dress as the matching female character. When we watched Kiki’s Delivery Service, she dressed as Kiki and I went as Tombo. Since these two characters get married and start a family in the sequel books, I jokingly introduced her as my wife ever since.

At every dinner party she attended that I hosted, I’d proudly introduce her to others: “Everyone, meet my wife.” When people looked surprised, I’d add, “What did you think when I said I have family in Japan, uncle and cousins?” (Which is actually the case.)

Sometimes, when catching up with old friends who haven’t heard from me in a while, they’d be shocked that I’m still single after all these years and say, “With your qualities and background, everyone thought you’d be married already long time ago and no one dared to pursue you.”

I’d joke back, “If you were bit more courageous, maybe I’d file a divorce for you.”

后来也因为觉得既然在现实生活中找不到自己的理想男友，已经是一副短发男生打扮的自己便决定自己变成自己喜欢的文学影视作品中“完美男生”的样子。结果就发现虚构人物之所以梦幻，是因为他们身上集结了很多女性对男性在现实生活中根本不可能具备的不切实际的美好遐想。《爱你九周半》中男主完美人设之下偏好是玩一些扭曲的性游戏，哈尔在原著书中也是个四处沾花惹草，性格极其戏剧化的花花公子。而作为直女的自己当时为了维持表面上符合自己标准的“梦幻男孩” 的完美形象，也招致了一些来自同性的不必要的喜欢和注意力，身心俱疲，或被动或主动强加在在自己身上道德标准世俗规训多了，情感也被压抑，时间久了就喜欢喝烈酒和玩一些极限运动来发泄排解情绪，如开快车，搭过山车，蹦极，以及去看节奏曲调激烈的演唱会等等，靠短时间内产生大量的肾上腺素来提醒自己还是个有正常情绪起伏的人。不过看过我在美国和上海蹦迪监控录像的跟踪狂们都知道，甚至还收到过一些人说我 “万花丛中过，片叶不沾身” 的评价，我在演出现场音乐结束灯光亮起的时候脸上就换上了平时工作时不苟言笑的神情，也从来不理会走上前来和我搭讪的任何人，被对方盯得烦了也只会一头扎进人群里直接消失。只是看到和喜欢的人气质类似的人的时候会多看两眼，也不会有什么互动，直接出门打车回家。

Later, feeling that I couldn’t find my ideal boyfriend in real life, I—already dressing like a short-haired boy—decided to become the “dream boy” from the books and movies I loved. But then I realized why fictional characters seem so dreamy: they embody many unrealistic, idealized fantasies that women cast upon men—things that just don’t exist in reality.

大学时期我的“完美男生”形象，我就是比多数东亚男的要漂亮有魅力许多呀。/ My “dream boy” facade back in college. I am simply prettier and more charming than most of the Eastern Asian dudes.🤗

For example, the male lead in 9½ Weeks is perfect on the surface but has a preference for twisted sexual games; Howl, in the original novel series, is a dramatic playboy who flirts with many women. As a straight woman trying to maintain this “dream boy” perfect image, I attracted some unwanted attention and affection from other women, which drained me emotionally and mentally. I was burdened with societal and moral expectations, sometimes imposed by myself, suppressing my emotions.

Over time, I coped by drinking hard liquor and engaging in extreme sports like speeding, roller coasters, bungee jumping, and attending concerts with intense rhythms and hardcore beats—anything that could trigger a rush of adrenaline and remind me that I was still a person with real emotional highs and lows.

But those stalkers of mine who’ve seen the surveillance footage from clubs I went to in the U.S. and Shanghai, all knows that, some even made the direct comment that I “pass through a sea of flowers without a leaf sticking to me.” (“Amidst a crowd of admirers, untouched and unaffected.”) at shows, when the music ends and the lights come on, I’d switch back to my usual serious, work-mode expression and ignore anyone trying to talk to me. If someone tried or stared too much, I’d just dive into the crowd and disappear.

The only exception was if someone resembled the person I liked—I might glance at them a bit longer, but I never interacted. I’d simply walk out of the door and take a taxi home.

自认为自己的爱情经历不应以任何影视剧为模板的，在人工搭建出来的虚幻场景中按秒打板营造出的梦境投射到现实中反而会成为噩梦，也不想以其他人的经历作为副本，因为相信每个个体存在的独特性，但在现实生活中的两次偶遇却是可以称为我理想中爱情或者是亲密关系的样子。

一次是在旧金山中国城扫街拍临街小店时偶然拍到入镜的互相搀扶着在街上散步满头银发的老夫妻，亲密关系及婚姻要走到这个阶段不知道经历了多少忍让和坚持，以及反复争吵，产生不满失望情绪之后一次又一次原谅和坚定选择对方，经历生活的考验的爱情也在的相片的记录下显得弥足珍贵。

另一次DC在影院看完《请以你的名字呼唤我》后，正心戚戚然地给认识的人发以“为什么相爱的人就是不能在一起呢°՞(ᗒᗣᗕ;)՞°”为主题的观影感受时，刚出影院门遇到一对情侣或是好友的男女，正边一起压马路边讨论他们下午刚看完的艺术展的观感与思考，平等包容，对话信息密度高，有来有往，客观又充满自己的见解。

I’ve always believed that my own experiences with love shouldn’t follow any film or TV script as a template. Dreamlike scenarios artificially constructed and meticulously timed to create fantasy often turn into nightmares when projected onto real life. I don’t want to copy anyone else’s story because I believe in the uniqueness of every individual. Yet, in reality, I’ve had two chance encounters that I can truly call reflections of the kind of love or intimate relationship I idealize.

The first was in San Francisco’s Chinatown when I was casually taking street photos of small shops. I happened to capture an elderly couple with silver hair, walking hand in hand down the street. To reach such a stage of closeness and marriage, I imagine they must have gone through countless moments of patience and perseverance, enduring repeated arguments, disappointments, and frustrations—only to forgive each other and choose one another again and again. The love that has withstood life’s tests appeared incredibly precious in the photo.

The second was in Washington, D.C. After watching Call Me by Your Name in a theater, feeling heartbroken, I texted someone with the question: “Why can’t people who love each other just end up together? °՞(ᗒᗣᗕ;)՞°”. Just stepped outside the cinema, I saw a couple—or perhaps close friends—walking together, discussing an art exhibit they had seen earlier that day. Their conversation was balanced, respectful, and rich with ideas—it goes both ways, objective yet full of deep subjective opinions.

但有喜欢的人后又不免落入俗套，看任何浪漫情景喜剧或者桥段总会不自觉地将自己和对方代入进去，本以理智为强项之一的自己也会因为对方在身边时的一举一动和社交媒体上的互动及发布的状态而变得敏感和情绪化，还在遇到他不久后给朋友发消息说：“我想我终于遇到与我旗鼓相当的人了。”并去学校图书馆借来康德的《纯粹理性批判》一直带在身边，企图通过德国哲学家的理性思辨协助来克制对对方靠自己已经完全抑止不住的情感。

After finally met someone I like, I couldn’t help but fall into clichés. Whenever I watched any romantic sitcoms or scenes, I’d unconsciously imagine myself and him in those roles. Normally, being rational was one of my strengths, but when he was around, every little thing he did and every interaction or post he made on social media made me sensitive and emotional. Shortly after meeting him, I messaged my friends saying, “I think I’ve finally met someone who’s my equal.” I even borrowed Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason from the university’s library and carried it with me, hoping that the German philosopher’s rational thinking could help me control the emotions toward him that I simply couldn’t suppress on my own.

这个世界上伟大的爱情故事有很多，罗密欧与朱丽叶，梁山伯与祝英台，我和氢能源（...）。在上海工作的时候早上坐公司的车通勤的路上看到路过的运氢车，瞌睡的双眼瞬间精神，伸长了脖子整个趴在车窗上盯着看了很久直到在车尾消失不见为止。到了瑞典念书一次午饭后消食在教学楼外散步看到物理系实验室外的氢气罐是也是瞳孔放大，嘴唇微张，呼吸也变得急促，如同见到初恋一样。

拿到自己在学校物理系办公室钥匙的那一天正好是中国的情人节5月20号，想到自己又可以做氢气相关的研究，上课时都忍不住嘴角上扬，课上认识的漂亮女生见了给我发消息：怎么？课上有喜欢的人啊？

我：我永远无法像冲氢气罐微笑那样对别人露出发自内心的笑容。

There are many great love stories in this world—Romeo and Juliet, Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, and then there’s me and hydrogen energy (...). When I was working in Shanghai, I’d take the company shuttle to get to work in the morning, and one morning when I saw a hydrogen transport truck passing by, my sleepy eyes would instantly brighten. I’d crane my neck and press my face against the window, staring at it for a long time until it disappeared from my view.

When I went to study in Sweden, one afternoon after lunch, while strolling outside the academic building, I saw the hydrogen tanks outside the physics department lab and my pupils dilated, my lips parted, and my breath quickened as if I was seeing my first love.

The day I got the keys to the physics department office at school happened to be May 20th, China’s Valentine’s Day. Thinking that I could finally do research related to hydrogen energy again, I couldn’t help but smile during class. A pretty girl I met in class saw me and messaged me: “What’s up? See your crush on in class?”
Me:

高中的时候一直戴框架眼镜，后来因为近视在美国被认为是残疾，就换成了隐形眼镜。大学疫情期间在公寓线上上课的时候又因为课业繁忙作息不规律，一次上完网课忘了摘下眼镜就躺下闭眼休息了，结果醒来再摘下临近过期的瞳片的时候导致了两只眼睛都角膜擦伤，疼得睁不开双眼，眼泪直流，当即叫了辆Uber去了最近的眼科医院做检查。当时觉得自己能够应付也为了怕家人朋友担心就谁也没告诉，也只是自己一个人按照预约的时间半盲着打车去医院做治疗。负责帮我做角膜激光修复理疗的是个印度裔的医生，也有个女儿在我的大学念书，还关切地跟我说：“是因为要念书没有回国躲疫情的吧？别太用功了，休息也很重要。” 因为当时还在学期中，所以有时候打车的时候在路上还会用手机听教授在线上讲课，只是期间有一次实在是眼睛不舒服，忍不住给教授发了邮件问询能不能让自己晚交一次作业。每次理疗完之后还会半睁着眼睛摸索着去医院附近的一家IHOP点早餐当晚餐吃来安慰自己。完全康复后才在社交媒体上更新了动态，来表示关心的也只有家人和一位在国内追星时认识的女生，还给我贴心地发了她在网上找来的很多康复贴士。

去物理系的实验室参观后发现实验室的化学用品储物柜里有一大桶硫酸，为了保护眼睛又从隐形眼镜换回了框架眼镜，因为实验室也是无尘室，还兴奋地和家人朋友们讲有细菌恐惧症的自己又能做回房间里最肮脏的东西了。

In high school, I always wore glasses with frames, but later, because of nearsightedness is considered disabled in the U.S., I switched to contact lenses. During the pandemic in college, while taking online classes in my apartment, my schedule was so hectic and irregular that one time after finishing an online class, I forgot to take out my lenses before lying down to rest. When I woke up and removed the nearly expired contacts, I scratched the corneas of both eyes. It hurt so much I couldn’t open them, and tears kept flowing. I immediately called an Uber to the nearest eye hospital for a check-up.

At the time, I thought I could handle it on my own and didn’t want to worry my family or friends, so I didn’t tell anyone. I went alone, half-blind, taking a taxi to the hospital for the treatment. The doctor who helped me with the corneal laser threatment was Indian, and he had a daughter studying at my university. He kindly said, “You stayed here to study instead of going home to avoid the pandemic, right? Don’t work too hard; taking some rest is important too.”

Since it was still mid-semester, sometimes when I was in the taxi, I would listen to my professor’s online lectures on my phone. One time, my eyes hurt so much that I couldn’t help but email the professor to ask if I could get an extension on an assignment. After each therapy session, I would half-open my eyes and stumble to an IHOP near the hospital to order breakfast as my dinner to comfort myself.

Only after I fully recovered did I update my social media. The only people who reached out were my family and a girl I met during a fan meeting back in China, who thoughtfully sent me many recovery tips she found online.

Later, when visiting the physics lab, I found a big container of sulfuric acid in the chemical storage cabinet. To protect my eyes, I switched back from contacts to frame glasses. Since the lab was a cleanroom, I was excited to tell my family and friends that, despite my germophobia, I could finally get back to be the filthiest being in the room again.

因为自己喜欢做饭，又因为大学前几年泡过化学实验室的缘故，发现自己连做饭时都会带点在实验室训练出来的职业病习惯，比如用勺子挖酱的时候会将瓶身倾斜45°，闻味道也是用手扇气味来闻（大学某实验课的教授：我大学一位同学就用直接用鼻子去闻腐蚀性气体，结果后来每次同学聚会聚餐的时候他就只能和人讨论食物的质感），锅盖永远时朝上放的。之后去了餐厅的后厨打工，发现厨房并不比有各种化学用品的实验室安全多少，而且两者厨房和实验室中的工作相似点也很多，比如处理化学试剂和处理食物时都要戴手套，出入厨房和实验室时也是不允许戴首饰，头发也要收进帽子里避免污染实验试剂或食物。而厨房中也有各种各样实验室里可以接触到的化学反应，比如炙烤肉类时产生的美拉德反应，榨取葱油时运用到的萃取原理。而学生们在实验室进行操作前还有各种培训，指导他们实验室中的安全操作规范，每个人都配有护目镜和手套。而厨房里的厨师却人人手臂上都几乎有烫伤留下的疤痕。

Because I love cooking and spent my first few years of college in a chemistry lab, I found that even when I cook, I carry over some professional habits from the lab. For example, when scooping sauce with a spoon, I tilt the bottle at a 45° angle, and when smelling something, I fan the scent toward my nose with my hand (one of my university professors once joked: “I had a classmate who smelled corrosive gases directly with his nose, and now at every reunion, only thing he talk about food is its texture”). I also always place pot lids facing up.

Later, when I worked in a restaurant kitchen, I realized that the kitchen wasn’t much safer than a chemistry lab, and the two environments share many similarities. For instance, when handling chemicals or food, gloves must be worn; jewelries are not allowed when entering either the kitchen or lab; and hair must be tucked under a hat to avoid contaminating reagents or food.

The kitchen also involves many chemical reactions familiar from the lab—like the Maillard reaction when searing meat, and the principle of extraction used when making scallion oil. Students receive various safety training courses before handling experiments in the lab and are equipped with goggles and gloves, but in kitchens, chefs almost all have scars from burns on their arms.

大学时选修过电影赏析课，知道法国人对电影业的贡献功不可没，课上其他流派的一些电影，以及电影中道具色彩的赏析自己还能写上几句，唯独课上讲到法国新浪潮和先锋电影流派写论文的自己却一个字都挤不出来，相当能和看伯格曼《处女泉》后发出“我看不懂但我大受震撼”感慨的李安共情。

In college, I took a film study course and learned about the immense contributions of the French to the film industry. I could write a few lines analyzing other film movements and the use of color in props, but when it came to writing a paper on the French New Wave and avant-garde cinema, I couldn’t get a single word out. I deeply empathized with Ang Lee’s reaction after watching Bergman’s The Virgin Spring — “I could not understand it, but I’m deeply moved.”

Subtitle translation: “I could not understand it, but I’m deeply moved.”

一人在国内出游时在宾馆的电视里看到卢米埃影业早期的作品时总是要点来反复观看的，其实内容和现在大多数人拍摄的vlog差不多，但由于黑白胶片的年代感和其所处时代的先锋性又显得格外引人入胜。后来再结合自己所选修的女性研究课程，看电影时带入自己的女性身份发现很明显哪些导演是由强势的母亲带大的，所以总是把他们作品中的女性角色塑造得饱满立体，多元独立，还是推动剧情发展的重要角色，甚至是主角，例如宫崎骏和昆汀•塔伦蒂诺，后者甚至在自己的作品中还出演了一位妻管严的角色。

When traveling alone in China, I often found myself repeatedly watching early works from Lumière Studios on the hotel TV. Although the content was pretty much like most vlogs most people capable of making nowadays, the black-and-white film’s vintage feel and the avant-garde spirit of the specific era made it especially captivating. Later, combining this with a women’s studies course I took, I realized that some directors, who raised by tough and independent mothers, tend to create female characters who are rich, multidimensional, independent, and play crucial roles in driving the plot—sometimes even as protagonists. Examples include Hayao Miyazaki and Quentin Tarantino, the latter even playing a henpecked husband role in his own films.

Pulp Fiction-“I love my wife!”: https://youtu.be/idV4GQRflHM?si=dptUyysg0WxDSPZg

因为小时候父亲常年在外工作，偶尔周末回家也是对我极尽宠爱，母亲在我成长过程中扮演了很重要的角色，所以长大后对身边的女性都有一种天然的尊重，对无能的男性容忍度极低，哪怕是对自己短暂心动的男生也不例外，早先母亲听说我对哪个男生有心动的感觉还会兴奋地问：“那他叫什么名字呀？”后来了解到我喜欢把心动的男生当作竞争对手，比过对方后就对对方完全失去兴趣甚至还会残忍地伤害对方的自尊心之后再听到我又对谁心动第一反应就变成了：“你别伤害到人家哦。”

Because my father was often away for work when I was a child, and even when he came home on weekends he spoiled me with gifts and affection, my mother played a very important role in my upbringing. As a result, I grew up with a natural respect for the women around me and a very low tolerance for incompetent men — even those I briefly had a crush on were no exception. Early on, whenever my mother heard that I had feelings for a boy, she would excitedly ask, “What’s his name?” Later, she realized that I tend to treat the boys I like as competitors — once I’ve surpassed them, I completely lose interest and might even ruthlessly hurt their ego. Now, whenever I tell her I have a crush, her first reaction is, “Don’t hurt the poor guy, okay?”

看过的一些其他爱情甚至情色电影，因为自己大学时期偏无性恋的取向，关注点反倒是一直与常人不同，比如《爱你九周半》，很喜欢哈佛毕业金融精英身份男主的形象，大学的时候还以他简约干练的白领风为穿搭模板模仿过一阵子，最喜欢的电影片段是他和手拿气球的女主在公园约会的场景，以及他午休的时候出门给自己的秘书买热狗时帮路过的行人捡掉落在地上的硬币，觉得这样的镜头叙事角度也让观众窥见了平时在单间高管办公室里冷静果断，不苟言笑的金融精英在工作场合外温情善良的一面，反倒是觉得因为迷恋男主而忍不住跟到他工作场所的女主做法有失分寸，能理解男主看到她突然出现在办公室时有些冷漠的神色，虽然他后来也在工作外的午休时间带她去吃午饭安抚她的情绪了。觉得在选角上男演员米基·洛克也很符合男主角的角色设定和个人气质，当时还找来他的资料看，结果发现他为了转型当拳击手而变得面目全非，当初看十分不理解，还觉得奇怪为什么大帅哥要这么折腾自己。

I’ve watched some other romance and even erotic films, but because I leaned toward asexuality during college, my focus was always a bit different from most people’s. For example, in 9½ Weeks, I really liked the image of the male lead—a Harvard-educated financial elite. In college, I even imitated his simple, sharp white-collar style as a fashion template for a while. My favorite scenes were the one where he and the female lead, holding a dozen of balloons, go on a date in the park, and another where, during his lunch break, he steps out to buy a hot dog for his secretary and helps a passerby pick up coins they dropped.

I felt these moments gave the audience a glimpse of the warm and kind side of this usually calm, decisive, and serious financial executive outside his cornered office. On the other hand, I thought the female lead’s behavior—following him to his workplace out of infatuation—was a bit over the line. I could understand why he looked somewhat cold when she suddenly appeared at his office, though he later took her out for lunch during his break to soothe her feelings. I also thought Mickey Rourke, the actor cast as the male lead, perfectly matched the character’s profile and temperament. Later, I looked him up and was surprised to learn he drastically changed his appearance to become a boxer for a career shift—I didn’t understand at the time and wondered why such a handsome guy would put himself through all that.

青少年时期看过的《廊桥遗梦》对自己在爱情观的塑造上影响也很深远。影片讲述的是一个中年家庭主妇在丈夫和孩子外出时，遇到一个来当地拍摄建筑的摄影师，发现两个人是有很多共同话题，性格爱好有很多相似点的灵魂伴侣，在共同相处的四天内迅速坠入爱河，但又不得不因为女主角丈夫孩子的归来而重回现实，因为身为母亲和妻子的责任不得不和摄影师分别后又继续重归自己作为家庭主妇平淡乏味的日常生活，只有在自己去世后留下的遗嘱里告诉自己的孩子，让他们把自己的骨灰撒在和摄影师定情处也是和影片同名的麦迪逊之桥上。影片上映后的那年美国的离婚率猛然提升，和朋友家人聊到时也说你们看，很多人选择结婚生子都不是因为遇到了真爱，而是在社会压力和世俗框架下迫不得已匆忙作的妥协。而有自由和勇气选择离婚的人是幸运的，又有多少人因为家庭责任和利益捆绑而一辈子被困在一开始就没有爱情可言令人窒息的的关系里直到去世也没能有机会讲出口呢？

The movie The Bridges of Madison County that I watched during my teenage years had a profound impact on shaping my views on love. The film tells the story of a middle-aged housewife who, while her husband and children are away, meets a photographer shooting local architecture. They discover they share many common interests and personality traits—soulmates, essentially. Over just four days together, they fall deeply in love but must part ways when the wife’s family returns. Bound by her responsibilities as a mother and wife, she returns to her ordinary, uneventful daily life. Only after her death does she leave a will asking her children to scatter her ashes on Madison Bridge—the same place where she and the photographer fell in love, and the film’s namesake. The year the movie was released, the divorce rate in the U.S. suddenly surged. When talking about this with friends and family, I often said, “Look, many people get married and have children not because they found true love, but because of social pressure and the confines of tradition, rushing into compromises.” Those who have the freedom and courage to choose divorce are lucky, but how many are trapped for life in suffocating relationships that lacked love from the start, bound by family duties and interests, never able to speak their true feelings until the very end?

一次在自己晚餐聚会的饭桌上还分享说《灵指神探》中的设定大概是对我这种有细菌恐惧症的人最为理想的亲密关系的相处模式了，而且李佩斯完全是自己的喜欢的类型，高大帅气，浓眉大眼，外貌英俊，虽然是个美国人，但又并不是个直男。结果被吐槽说你怎么尽喜欢老男人。

我：你才喜欢老男人！他们当时出演这些角色的时候可是和我现在的年纪差不多诶！୧(๑•̀ᗝ•́)૭

One time at a dinner party I hosted, I shared that the setup in Pushing Daisies is probably the ideal way of relating for someone like me who has germophobia. Plus, Lee Pace is totally my type — tall, handsome, thick eyebrows, striking eyes, and charming-looks. Even though he’s American, yet he’s also not a straight guy! Someone at the table asked me, saying, “Why do you always like old men?”
Me: You’re the one who likes old men! When they played those roles, they were about my age now! ୧(๑•̀ᗝ•́)૭

对细菌恐惧症非常友好的隔着保鲜膜的亲吻。/ Kissing scene through plastic foil, very germophobic friendly.

因为大学时期和反感的人同住过，知道和三观以及习惯不一致的人一起生活有多痛苦，当初也只是由共同认识的人因为喜欢同一支乐队介绍认识，结果后来发现共同的喜好并不代表适合做朋友，我喜欢一支乐队可能是因为键盘手钢琴弹得漂亮，而有的人喜欢同一支乐队可能是因为喜欢看其八卦。对方的父母不喜欢过家庭生活，很少在家做饭，她自己更是连微波炉都不怎么会用，而自己的家人只要有机会就要坐在同一张桌子上一起吃饭聊天的，自己受家人影响也很喜欢这么做，并享受一起做饭的过程，有的时候会在周末花上一上午的时间准备及烹饪一道菜，就连妹妹小小年纪也会做中式番茄汤和千层面。结果对方在未征得我同意的情况下会直接去拿她未出钱也未出力完全由我做好的饭菜吃，吃完还要讲风凉话：你看你是不是浪费了一上午的时间没有学习。平时家务也很少做，她自己吃完的碗筷餐具还要推到我头上说我不及时洗。有事请她帮忙也是按照东亚社会的社交礼仪立即请她吃饭换掉人情，而她却每次请我帮助她完成作业后一点表示也没有。我平时在街上看到或情侣或好友的男女们走在一起会欣赏两位身上和对方互映衬的穿搭，看有什么可以学习借鉴的地方记下来以便以后和男朋友出门时参考，而她则张口就是肆意揣度别人的男女关系。后来搬出去自己住了之后也是为了给她留面子没有完全断了联系，结果是我做过最错误的决定之一。一些细节也可以看出其素质和家教不是很好，有一次还说如果平时在街上看到有人跳楼会去围观看热闹，因为自己还没在现实生活中见过这种血淋淋的场面，在公寓的公共电脑上看到认识的人的学校账号忘记登出还会翻看别人的成绩和隐私，而自己对别人的生命和隐私都是尽量做到尊重的，完全无法理解对方的行为和想法。后来到我的公寓来做客也是经常门也不敲直接开门闯入，我家里摆放的零食也是随手拿过来就吃，吃相难看经常撒得一地都是也不会收拾，吃着我做的一桌子饭菜还说以后去她家做客可以给她平时只会点外卖来吃的一家当保姆做饭打扫卫生来置换住宿费。从小被保姆带大，为了怕做家务周末都会选择住酒店的我当时看了她一眼简直不敢相信她是在讲人话，后来告诉自己的家人，父母也是暴怒，一反常态地让我不要和对方继续来往。自己的父母对自己交友方面完全不干涉，但对方在认识没多久拒绝称我为朋友的时候其母亲就来添加了我的联系方式，也只是为了平时有事找不到她女儿的时候方便来骚扰我，还因为联系不到她女儿周末早上七点就给还没睡醒的我打电话质询。每次暑假结束学校都能感受到她的家庭教育给她带来的傲慢态度，因为每一次开学都能听到从她嘴里讲出的针对我家乡全新的充满地域歧视的评价，要我反复花时间去解释纠正。结果到最后就是觉得对方不可理喻，完全不想回公寓，只把公寓当作自己晚上睡觉的地方。有段时间甚至要在图书馆或自习室泡到半夜三点才回去，确认对方已经熟睡以减少碰面和直接交流。内耗严重，对自己精神损伤大，但那段时间倒是因为经常泡图书馆所以成绩一直不错。再回看自己和别人提起对方时也只是提一些正面的评价，而偶然一次被别人告知说对方在有人当着她面辱骂我的情况下只是沉默着一个字也不说，马丁·路德·金曾说过，“有些时候，沉默就是一种背叛。” 回想了一下她只是单方面享受我的身份和能力带给她可以在旁人面前炫耀有优质朋友的优越感，私下里对她认识几乎的所有人都持有消极评价，讨厌别人的理由在我看来也是完全出于嫉妒，缺乏实际的理由而站不住脚，在自己偶尔开口尝试辩驳的时候还要承受她对我精神情绪上持续性的折磨，直到我不愿再开口表达自己的观点而是被强迫盲目认同她的看法为止，有的时候还会因为她盲目追星而看到的一些戏子莫名其妙的八卦来攻击我的个人喜好，已经纠正过的认知偏差也会在不久后反复发作提起要我重新解释。和她不认识的人出门Rendezvous被她知道了也是被被仅仅作为室友身份的她恶狠狠地追问：ta是谁啊！？你们上哪儿去的？！搞得我非常窒息，后来和别人出去对她都要藏着掖着，为了不被她的消极情绪影响也很少再出门。有一次因为考试周压力大找我抱怨，我花了至少半小时的时间安慰她，结果收到她的回复是： “你说的这些有什么用啊？” 然后转头发给我一个共同认识的白人女生不知道出于什么理由在社交媒体上用英文发的一句：“每个人都要相信你自己，你已经很棒了。”（跟我用中文花了半个多小时和她讲的主题差不多）的动态并且嚎啕大哭说：“她人怎么这么好啊，我真的好感动，完全被她安慰到了。”

我：.........................

之后但凡她再遇到什么情绪上的问题我都不愿再理会。

但她在现实生活中遇到这个在金属社认识的白人女生的时候却又是另外一副典型回避型依恋的嘴脸。有一次我穿了汉服去参加金属社的万圣节聚会，这位白人女生友好地走过来问：你的裙子很漂亮，是日本的和服吗？还没等我开口，这个女的又语气恶狠狠的：不对！是汉服！吓得这位白人女生连退几步拿了瓶啤酒就上楼去了，聚会上也没再找我聊过天。

后来和她完全断绝往来是因为疫情期间大家情绪不佳，沟通能力极差的她为了平衡与别人攀比而产生的消极情绪和寻求关注把我的隐私用戏谑的语气直接发到了网上，也以同样的方式对待她回敬了过去，并表示我没有义务对她的童年创伤以及个人选择而导致的经历负责，而且长年累月她给我带来的精神损伤已经远远超过了可以念及的情分和面子，再毫不客气地删除了对方所有的联系方式。

写这篇博客的时候还在Chatgpt中模拟过当时对方和我胡搅蛮缠的对话方式，结果我刚模仿她反问了三句Chatgpt就回复说觉得这样的对话没有意义，请不要再继续下去了，再追问Chatgpt也是回复我说不想进行这种对话。连AI都受不了的奇行种当时的我却要每天都要想着法子应付，难怪当时精神状态一天比一天差每天泡图书馆到三点才回公寓。

Having once lived with someone I really couldn’t stand during college, I now deeply understand how painful it is to live with someone whose values and habits clash with your own. She and I were introduced to each other by a mutual acquaintance simply because we both liked the same band. But I later realized that just sharing a common interest doesn’t mean you’re suited to be friends. I might like a band because the keyboardist plays beautifully, while someone else might just be into the tabloid gossip surrounding them.

Her parents didn’t enjoy family life, rarely cooked at home, and she herself barely knew how to use a microwave. In contrast, my family values sitting down to eat and chat together and share moments whenever possible. Influenced by them, I love cooking and enjoy the process of making food. I’d sometimes spend an entire weekend morning preparing and cooking just one dish. Even my little sister could already make Chinese-style tomato soup and lasagna at a very young age. But this roommate would eat the meals I had prepared—without contributing time, effort, or ingredients—even without asking for permission. Then she’d make snide remarks like, “See, didn’t you waste your whole morning cooking instead of studying?”

She barely did any chores, and even pushed her dirty dishes onto me, saying I didn’t wash them in time. When I asked her for help, I’d immediately reciprocate with a meal or favor, as is customary in East Asian social etiquette. But whenever she asked me for help with her assignments, she wouldn’t show any appreciation at all.

When I saw couples or two friends walking down the street, I’d often admire how their outfits complemented each other, taking mental notes for when I went out with my future boyfriend. She, on the other hand, would just make inappropriate comments and assumptions about their relationships. After I moved out, I tried not to completely cut ties with her out of courtesy, which turned out to be one of my biggest mistakes.

There were many small signs of her poor character and upbringing. She once said she’d go rubbernecking if she saw someone about to jump off a building—just because she’d never seen such a bloody scene in real life. Once, she found someone she knew had left their school account logged in on a public computer and snooped through their grades and private info. I always tried my best to respect people’s privacy and could never understand her behavior.

When she came over to visit, she often barged in without knocking. She’d grab snacks I had bought without asking, eat like a slob, and leave crumbs everywhere without cleaning up. While eating a whole table of food I had cooked, she even said, “Next time you can come over to my place, and in exchange for staying there, you can be my family’s maid—cook and clean for me since we only know how to order takeout.” I had been raised by a nanny myself, and to avoid housework on weekends, I even used to stay in hotels. So when she said that I looked at her shocked and couldn’t believe she was actually being serious.

When I told my family, they were furious. Though they usually never interfered with my choice of making friends, they insisted I cut ties with her immediately. By contrast, her mother added me on messaging apps shortly after we met, when she even refused to address me as her friend—just to track down her daughter when she couldn’t reach her. Once, she even called me at 7 a.m. on a weekend morning to demand answers while I was still sleeping.

At the start of every school year, I’d hear some new, shockingly ignorant, and discriminatory comment from her against my hometown. I constantly had to correct her and explain, again and again. In the end, she was so impossible to talk to that I barely wanted to go back to the apartment—I only went there to sleep. At one point, I stayed at the library or study rooms until 3 a.m. just to avoid running into her while she’s awake.

Though it was mentally exhausting and seriously damaging to my well-being, I was ironically getting great grades because I was always in the library. Looking back, I realized that whenever I talked about her to others, I only mentioned positive things. But once, someone told me that she stood silently while someone insulted me right in front of her face. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “There comes a time when silence is betrayal.” I realized then that she only wanted to bask in the benefits of being associated with someone like me—someone she could boast about—but never truly supported me behind the scenes.

She had nothing but negative opinions about nearly everyone she knew, and her reasons were always rooted in jealousy. When I tried to speak up or disagree, she would emotionally manipulate and mentally exhaust me until I stopped speaking and just gave in to her point of views. She’d even attack my personal interests over some baseless gossip she’d heard about certain celebrities she idolized. Any misconceptions I’d corrected would just come up again short weeks later, and I’d have to explain everything all over again.

If she found out I’d gone out to meet someone—even someone she didn’t know—she’d interrogate me as if she’s entitled to: “Who is she?! Where did you go?!” It was extremely suffocating. I started hiding my outings from her just to protect my peace. Eventually, I rarely went out just to avoid triggering her mood swings.

Once during finals week, she messaged me in distress. I spent over half an hour comforting her. Her response? “What’s the point of what you said?”
Then she sent me a social media post by a white girl we both knew from the Metal Music club, which said something like: “Believe in yourself—you’re already amazing.” (Which was basically the same message I had just spent 30 minutes trying to convey in Chinese to her). She burst into tears and said, “She’s so sweet, I’m so touched, she really comforted me.”

Me: .........................

After that, I stopped responding to her emotional meltdowns altogether.

But in real life, she treated this same white girl with a textbook avoidant attachment style. One time, I wore hanfu (Chinese traditional clothes) to a Halloween event at the metal club, and this white girl approached me kindly, asking, “Your dress is so beautiful—is it a Japanese kimono?” Before I could reply, she immediately snapped: “No! It’s hanfu! It’s Chinese” Her tone was so aggressive that the white girl literally backed away, grabbed a beer, and went upstairs—she never came back to talk to me again that night.

I completely cut ties with her during the pandemic. Everyone was emotionally fragile, but her poor communication skills, her envy-fueled negativity, and attention-seeking led her to mockingly post details of my private life online just to seek attention. I retaliated in kind and told her clearly: I’m not responsible for your childhood trauma or your bad behavior or your attempt to hurt others. The mental damage you’ve caused me over the years has long outweighed any past sentiment. Then I deleted all her contact info without a second thought.

While writing this blog post, I even used ChatGPT to simulate her manipulative argument style. After just three questions where I mimicked her way of twisting everything, ChatGPT told me the conversation was going nowhere and refused to continue. When I pushed further with one more question, it still said it did not want to continue such a discussion.

Even AI couldn’t stand her toxic traits. Yet back then, I had to deal with her every single day, coming up with ways to survive the madness. No wonder I was always on the edge of falling apart and spending every night in the library till 3 a.m.

到了瑞典念书后继续自己喜欢做饭的爱好，每次晚餐聚会前都要提前一周准备食材，有的菜需要提前三天就要开始准备烹饪。请来吃饭的同学修养也是极好的，有提前来帮忙准备饭菜的，有带好礼物送我的，有叫我“主厨”的，有吃完饭还留下来帮忙收拾打扫卫生的，对我人格有侮辱的评价从没在他们嘴里听到过，也更没人边吃着我做的饭菜边说“这个时间你拿来学习不好吗？”这种疯话，看来精神不正常家教差的人只是极少数，自己之前也是比较不幸遇人不淑罢了。因为自己从五块钱的炒面到上万元的高档中餐都吃过，所以不认为友谊能单纯地建立在任何花销的一顿饭的基础上，而是会在吃饭时观察对方的谈吐言行举止和从谈话内容中展露出的三观修养再作判断对方合不合适做我的朋友，但由于自己内向的性格，社交对于我是极度消耗能量的事情，每次晚餐聚会后总要花三天左右的时间休息调整才能完全重振精神。国内被逼着去相亲相烦了回去也是和妈妈讲说：这样做没什么用，他们在正式场合都会装，装也装不出个样子，魔鬼都藏在细节里，不如一起去逛个超市简单聊聊兴趣爱好，这样反而能迅速看出对方会不会生活以及家境三观如何了。

也有朋友告诉我有参加过我晚餐聚会的男生觉得委屈，好奇为什么那之后我的态度对他就变得冷冰冰的，在学校遇到也不和他打招呼，选择不再联系了。

我嘴上笑着说哪有心里却想的是: 我不认为他够资格做我朋友罢了。虽然餐桌上酒后自己表面带点耍酒疯意味的一副加州女孩腔，心里却清醒得很，在座的人有哪些我是不想再继续接触并且交流了的。后来也出自同情选择再一次和对方进行简单交流，也只是更加让我确定了晚餐聚会后自己的决定是绝对正确的。

After coming to Sweden to study, I continued pursuing my passion for cooking. Before every dinner gathering, I have to start preparing ingredients a week in advance—some dishes even require cooking to begin three days ahead. The classmates and friends I invited over for dinner have all been incredibly well-mannered. Some came early to help with food prep, some brought thoughtful gifts, some called me “Chef,” and others stayed after the dinner party to help clean up. I’ve never once heard any of them make insulting or demeaning remarks about me. No one ever said anything as insane as, “Wouldn’t it have been better if you’d used this time to study?” while eating the food I made. Turns out, people with poor upbringing and questionable behavior traits are a rare minority — I was just unlucky to have run into one before.

Having eaten everything from five-yuan fried noodles to high-end Chinese cuisine worth over ten thousand, I don’t believe that friendship can be built simply on the basis of a shared meal. What matters to me is observing a person’s manners, demeanor, and the values they reveal in casual conversation — that’s how I determine whether someone is suitable to become my friend. But because I’m introverted, socializing takes a huge toll on my energy. After every dinner party, I usually need around three days to fully recover and recharge.

Back home in China, I was constantly pestered to go on blind dates. I told my mom afterward: “It’s pointless. People always put on a show in formal settings, and even then, they can’t fake it well. The devil is always in the details.” I’d rather just go grocery shopping together and chat casually about our interests — that kind of setting is far better for quickly figuring out whether someone is capable of living a real life together and what their values and family background are like.

Some friends later told me that a guy who attended one of my dinner parties felt distant by me afterwards. He was curious why I became cold toward him — even stopped greeting him at school — and eventually stopped any sort of interaction entirely.

I smiled and said, “Oh, really? No way!” but what I was actually thinking was: He simply didn’t even make the cut to be my friend.

Even though I may have acted like a tipsy and even started to talk in my valley girl accent at the dinner table, putting on a bit of a playful drunk mask, I was very clear-headed inside. I knew exactly who at that table I had no desire to continue engaging with. Out of sympathy, I later gave him another chance and spoke with him again briefly — which only confirmed that my decision after the dinner party had been absolutely right.

和家人喜欢的人一起住又是完全不同的，下班后会迫不及待地想要回家，一分钟都不愿意在公司多待，做饭做家务都是开心的，就连自己最讨厌的洗碗也干得心甘情愿。早上还会给他们做了早饭送到床上给他们吃，如果时间允许还会把午饭也都做好了，自己的床也会让给他们睡而自己心甘情愿地去睡沙发。

高中的时候遇到控制欲极强的住家能当天晚上就打包好行李找好下一任住家第二天早上就迅速搬走，后来上了大学因为公寓合同问题，因为自己的经济实力，总不能做到像高中那样来去自由，起初遇到性格生活习惯不同的室友还能坐下来和气地聊个清楚，再拉一张excel表格把账算清后再各自搬走。后来遇到讲不通道理的，在自己上课期间还反复发消息来不停发消息来骚扰，自己也懒得再费口舌计较，几次在对方无理取闹折磨到自己心力交瘁之后抬眼看了看对方那副丑恶嘴脸，继续跑去图书馆寻找安宁，后来也是直接找好新公寓后和对方平账完之后就迅速删了对方的所有联系方式，就算后来在学校遇到也当作从来没认识过。

Living with people I love or with my family is a completely different experience. After work, I can’t wait to get home—I don’t want to spend even a minute longer at the office. Cooking and doing chores are all joyful, and I even wash dishes absolutely willingly, which I usually hate the most. In the mornings, I’d make them breakfast in bed, and if time allows, I’ll even have lunch prepared before I left for work. At night, I happily give up my own bed so they can sleep comfortably while I take the sofa.

In high school, I once lived with a very controlling host old lady. I packed my bags that same night, found a new place, and moved out first thing the next morning. Later, in university, because of lease agreements and my financial situation, I couldn’t just come and go as freely as I did before. At first, when I had roommates whose personalities or habits differed, we could still sit down, talk things through calmly, settle expenses with an Excel sheet, and then part ways amicably.

But later, I encountered someone unreasonable. They repeatedly harassed me with messages during my classes. I was too tired to argue back. After a few times of enduring their torment until I was completely drained, I looked at their unpleasant face once more and chose to seek peace in the library instead. Eventually, once I found a new apartment and settled the accounts with them, I quickly deleted all their contact information. Even if I ran into them on campus later, I pretended we had never met before.

近朱者赤近墨者黑，发现选择打交道的人会对自己的性格以及处世态度产生一定的影响，从小便是被大多数同学朋友的家长认作是正面影响而乐于让他们的小孩同我打交道的，但和家教差的人接触久了难免会沾染上他们性格中负面的成分，后续要花自己甚至家人很长时间和很多努力去修正。自恋一些讲，自己平时遇到不开心的事照照镜子就能变得再次开心起来，而与反感的人同住，看着对方那张并不讨喜的脸也会推己及人觉得自己变得面目可憎，毕竟作为室友是在共享的生活空间里甚至比自己本身还要常见到的存在，对方的言行举止都会对自己产生直接或间接的影响。太阳再明媚这个世界上也有她照不到的阴暗逼仄的角落，还不在少数，后来同人打交道时遇到不愉快的时候也只能告诉自己，只能为自己的言行举止而不是对方的负责罢了。

“Birds of a feather flock together.” I’ve realized that the people we choose to associate with inevitably influence our personality and way of dealing with the world. Since childhood, most of my classmates’ and friends’ parents saw me as a positive influence and were happy to let their children interact with me. However, spending too much time around people with poor upbringing can inevitably cause you to pick up the negative parts of their character at certain point, which then takes a long time—and a lot of effort from both myself and my family—to correct.

To be a little vain, I usually can cheer myself up just by looking in the mirror when I’m feeling down. But living with someone I dislike, seeing their unpleasant face every day makes me start to feel repulsive myself. After all, as roommates, we share the same living space and see each other even more often than ourselves. Their words, behaviors, and mannerisms have a direct or indirect impact on me.

No matter how bright the sun shines, there are always dark, cramped corners she cannot reach—and there are countless of those in the world. So whenever I encounter unpleasantness while dealing with others, I remind myself that I can only be responsible for my own words and actions, not for theirs.

身处的环境对自己的行为模式也会产生影响，在瑞典待久了去巴黎逛超市的时候收银员问我要不要收据总会不假思索脱口而出地：Nej tack. (不用了，谢谢)，而不是 Non, merci beaucoup, 直到最后一天在机场买零食的时候都没有改得过来。瑞典的自行车刹车脚在踏板上倒着骑就行，所以这一习惯也被我带到了巴黎，看到前面有行人或者起到十字路口需要减速或者刹车，自己的第一反应也是脚往后踩踏板。

The environment you live in inevitably influences your behavior. After spending a long time study and live in Sweden, I found myself automatically replying "Nej tack" ("No, thank you") whenever a cashier in supermarkets in Paris asked if I wanted the receipt — instead of saying "Non, merci beaucoup." like I should have, I kept saying it in Swedish right up even until my last day, where I was at the airport when buying snacks.

In Sweden, you brake a bicycle by pedaling backward, and I unconsciously carried that habit with me to Paris. Whenever I needed to slow down or stop while cycling through the streets in Paris — whether approaching pedestrians or a crosswalk — my first instinct was to push the pedals backward.

初到美国时因为入住的住家工作忙，也没什么收住国际留学生的经验，又因为念的是私立学校，没有校车，有段时间便拿了我父母给他们的一部分钱请了当地一个平时兼三四份职的大学生来接送我上学放学，结果有好几次这位女生都是因为过度疲劳睡过了头把我晾在学校等着。一次戏剧课排练得较晚，课上的同学也一个接一个被家长接走，有一个同学的妈妈在经过我时用听上去很热切的典型美式假客套语调问我：“Lettie你怎么还不回家？”我等到实在是有些焦虑，连作业都在学校写完了，也以为对方是在真心关心我，便说了前因后果，结果对方听了却露出为难和有些后悔的神色，当时就意识到对方只是出于礼貌在和我客套。自那以后便不再喜欢向别人求助，也因为能帮到我的人实在是很少，所以遇事都是自己想办法。多年以后到了瑞典念书还是旧习难改，就算遇到别人提出要主动帮忙自己也是先和对方确认是真心想帮我还是只是出于礼貌的客套。在美国养成的完全靠自己绝对独立的性格在回国后也得以体现，有次在公司加班出门吃晚饭的路上崴了脚，青少年时期就因为自己在东亚国家中偏大的骨架却偏细的脚踝而脚部崴伤骨裂过，那次去医院检查也被医生要求做手术。因为当时在和家里闹独立，而自己在认识的人面前平时都是一副体面自若的形象，也不想被别人看到自己生病状态或者情绪不佳时的样子，自尊心很强骄傲得很，便一个人签字交钱做了手术。术后也是自己掏钱请了护工照顾我，出院的时候在手机软件上打了车，单脚跳出医院的门，第二天也是没有休息，照常去公司上班了。结果部门经理实在是看不下去，帮我请了假送我回家让我把手术的伤口养好了再来上班。然后就遇上了上海长达五个月的封城。封城期间也是自己单脚从没有电梯的五楼公寓一步一跳地下楼做核酸，偶尔遇到看不下去的小区工作人员还会提出用电动车送我到公寓楼下，然后自己再一步一步地跳上楼。父母打电话来想让我回家也是拒绝，因为“生命诚可贵，爱情价更高，若为自由故，二者皆可抛”，在当时接受父母的帮助就意味着要同时接受他们给我安排好的人生。之前对我态度冷漠自己多次尝试都无法有效沟通的认识的人一反常态主动来打电话给我也是按掉不接，打算自己默默等待脚伤养好，封城结束后再出门工作。

中学时期除了自己在家进行的大量阅读外，学校还有专门的阅读课，选一些作家的文章让老师在广播站念给学生们听。其中印象最深刻的是汪曾祺和他的作品，觉得他对自己的生活与创作甚至处世态度上的影响颇深。汪曾祺是中国当代极具代表性的作家之一，他对“吃”的描写堪称一绝，被誉为“中国文学中写吃写得最有味道的人”。他的作品中常常穿插着对食物的细致描写，不是单纯的“美食记录”，而是借食写人、写情、写故乡、写人生。他在文革期间被打成右派，长达十年未能正常写作出版。接着被下放劳改，生活艰苦，文化活动被压制，很多知识分子无法从事原本的写作或艺术工作，但汪曾祺在那样的环境中，依然保持着对生活的热情和创造力，劳动结束后还给分给他当口粮的土豆画素描，在艰难环境中寻找生活之美，从他的作品中也可以看出他的审美不是宏大叙事，而是温润日常，他看重细节、物性与生活气息。直到1976年文革结束，他才得以“解放”，恢复了写作和编辑工作，重归自己的知识分子身份。汪曾祺在特殊年代所展现出的那种温和的坚韧与“苦中作乐”的生活态度，一直深深影响着我。他在命运最沉重、最灰暗的日子里，不怨不怒，不喧不躁，而是以一种近乎本能的方式，去守住生活中哪怕最微小的一点亮色——哪怕只是一颗土豆的形状，一碗清粥的香气，或是一株夏日里的晚饭花。
他的笔下没有咆哮，却处处透出对人、对物、对生活最温柔的理解。这种隐忍而不屈、乐观却不盲目的精神，让我明白：即使在最艰难的环境中，也可以选择以一种体面、优雅、甚至是幽默的方式活着。
在面对现实的不确定与生活的压力时，汪曾祺所传达出的那种“人间自有清欢”的境界，成为我内心深处一份稳定的力量，尤其是在疫情封城期间。

上海春天温度就很高，从医院回去躺了几天实在是受不了自己的卫生状况，便想了个办法用保鲜膜包住石膏和伤口再坐在凳子上给自己洗澡做清洁。封城的时候每周都会有社区的工作人员上门发放物资，因为当时同住的室友不会做饭，所以当时自己一面把不能受力的伤脚放在凳子上一面单脚站在厨房里做好两个人的饭菜再给她送过去，颠锅炒菜的时候还自嘲说，自己的人生低谷不过如此了，再也不可能遭受比这更差的境遇。还开玩笑说自己当时算是领会到了在高中时读到过的用六个单词写成的诗中那句最经典的之一，“抱歉，士兵——鞋子是成双出售的”，（“Sorry, soldier — shoes are sold in pairs.”）的字面意思。社交媒体上也是充斥满了负面内容，隔着屏幕都觉得几乎所有人的精神状态都岌岌可危，觉得自己快熬不下去的时刻为了集中精神就大声念自己手头的英文书籍和网路上能找到的一些法语文学片段来分散注意力，消减自己的负面情绪，结果还被隔了两道门的室友以为我平时的职业是教语言的老师。后来逐渐减封的时候每一户被发了只能外出半天采购的通行证，室友不爱出门，再加上自己当时的脚伤已经好的差不多，就接过通行证骑车出门去超市采购，并试图帮室友买烟。后来发现小区门口都是无处可去又不想失去收入来源的外卖员驻扎的帐篷，小区不远处的荒地上也是疫情期间无法处理的堆得满满当当的垃圾袋。再后来完全解封的时候，自己周末照常骑车上街遛弯路过以精神科著名的医院时发现门口排满了拿药和挂号的人群，在周围几乎绕了一圈也根本看不到队伍的尽头，人民广场上平时有些冷清的彩票站疫情解封后也挤满了来碰运气的人，家住当地的室友也从父母家拿来做好的饭菜送给我吃以表感谢。之后再找公寓也是只找带电梯的。

When I first arrived in the U.S., the host family I stayed with was very busy with work and had little experience hosting international students. Since I attended a private school without a school bus. For a while, They hired a local college student—who worked three or four part-time jobs—to drive me to and from school, using some of the money my parents gave them to pay her. But several times, this girl was so exhausted that she overslept and left me waiting at school.

Once, after a late drama rehearsal, most classmates had already been picked up by their parents one by one. One classmate’s mom passed by me and asked, in a very typical American polite tone that sounded sincere, “Lettie, why aren’t you going home yet?” I was getting anxious, had even finished my homework at school, and thought she was genuinely concerned. So I explained what had happened. However, her face showed a mix of embarrassment and slight regret, and I realized she was just making polite small talk.

From then on, I stopped asking others for help, partly because there were very few people who are capable of actually helping me, so I dealt with things on my own.

Years later, studying in Sweden, this habit didn’t change much. Even when someone offered help, I would first confirm if they were sincere or just being polite.

This strong sense of independence, cultivated in the U.S., showed itself clearly after I returned to my home country. Once, while working late and heading out for dinner, I twisted my ankle. When I was young, I had a relatively large bone structure but very slim ankles for someone from East Asia, and I had previously injured and fractured my foot. At the hospital, the doctor recommended surgery.

At the time, I was trying to declare my independence from my family. I usually maintained a composed and dignified appearance in front of people I knew, and I didn’t want anyone to see me sick or emotionally weak. Proud and strong-willed, I signed the consent form and paid for the surgery myself. After the operation, I hired a caregiver with my own money to look after me. When discharged, I called a taxi through an app and hopped out of the hospital on one foot. The next day, I didn’t rest—I went straight to work as usual.

My department manager couldn’t bear it and helped me get some leave and sent me home to rest and heal.

Then came the prolonged five-month lockdown in Shanghai. During lockdown, I hopped down the stairs from the fifth floor (there was no elevator) to get tested for COVID daily. Occasionally, neighborhood workers who felt sorry for me offered to give me a ride on an electric bike to the building entrance, but I’d still need to hop back up the stairs on my own.

My parents called, urging me to come home, but I refused because, “Life is dear, love is dearer. Both can be given up for freedom.” At that time, accepting my parents’ help would mean accepting their plan for my life.

Someone who had always been cold to me and with whom I’d repeatedly failed to communicate effectively even called me, but I ignored the call. I planned to quietly wait until my foot healed and the lockdown was over before going back to work.

During my middle school years, in addition to the extensive reading I did at home, our school also had a dedicated reading class. Selected works by various authors would be read aloud to the students over the campus radio. The one that left the deepest impression on me was Wang Zengqi and his writing. I’ve always felt that both his life, his literary style, and even his interpretation toward the world have had a profound impact on me.

Wang Zengqi is considered one of the most representative writers in modern Chinese literature. His writing on food is particularly exceptional — he is often praised as “the author who writes about food with the most flavor in all of Chinese literature.”
In his works, descriptions of food are never just about cuisine — they are woven into narratives about people, relationships, hometown memories, and reflections on life.

During the Cultural Revolution, Wang was labeled a “rightist” and forbidden from publishing for over a decade. He was sent to the countryside for re-education through labor under extremely harsh conditions. Cultural activities were suppressed, and many intellectuals lost the ability to continue their creative work.
But even in such an environment, Wang Zengqi never lost his passion for life or his creative spirit. After a day of hard labor, he would sit down and draw detailed pencil sketches of the potatoes given to him as rations — finding beauty in the simplest objects, discovering poetry amid hardship.
His works reflect this sensibility: his aesthetic was not built on grand historical narratives, but on the intimacy of daily life. He cared about detail, texture, and the spirit of everyday things.

It wasn't until the end of the Cultural Revolution in 1976 that he was “liberated” and allowed to resume writing and editorial work, reclaiming his identity as an intellectual.

What has always stayed with me is the quiet resilience and ability to find joy in adversity that Wang Zengqi embodied during those dark and uncertain years.
He did not rage or complain; he neither resisted noisily nor submitted passively. Instead, he held onto the smallest traces of beauty and light — whether it was the shape of a potato, the fragrance of plain porridge, or the bloom of an evening flower in summer.

There was no shouting in his prose, only a gentle, unwavering understanding of people, things, and life.
This kind of quiet strength — unyielding, optimistic, but never naive — taught me that even in the most difficult times, one can choose to live with dignity, grace, and even a sense of humor.

In the face of life’s uncertainty and daily pressures, Wang Zengqi’s idea of “the quiet joys of everyday life” has become a steady and lasting source of strength for me, especially the difficulites I have to face by myself during lockdown.

Spring in Shanghai was already quite warm. After lying in bed for a few days post-hospital, I couldn’t stand my personal hygiene any longer. I came up with a method: I wrapped my cast and wound with plastic foil and sat on a stool to wash myself.

During the lockdown, community workers delivered food supplies weekly. Since my roommate doesn’t know how to cook, I would rest my injured foot on a stool while standing on one foot in the kitchen to prepare meals for both of us, then deliver the food to her. While cooking, I joked that my life had officially hit rock bottom and there’s no way that any worse situation in my later life would ever happen. I even joked that I finally understood one of the most famous lines from a six-word poem I’d read in high school: “Sorry, soldier — shoes are sold in pairs.” (Only the literal meaning tho.)

Social media was full of negativity; even through a screen, it felt like almost everyone’s mental state was on the brink. When I felt I couldn’t endure it, I would loudly read aloud from English books I kept and snippets of French literature I found online to distract myself and ease my negative emotions. My roommate, living just two doors down, even thought I was a language teacher because of this.

As restrictions eased, each household was given a permit allowing half-day outings for grocery shopping. My roommate didn’t like going out, and my foot was mostly healed, so I took the permit, rode a bike to the supermarket, and tried to buy cigarettes for her.

I noticed at the community gate many delivery guys—unable to go anywhere but unwilling to lose income—were camped in tents. Nearby vacant lots were piled high with trash that couldn’t be collected during the pandemic.

When the lockdown fully ended, I took my usual weekend bike rides. Passing by the famous psychiatric hospital, I saw long lines of people waiting for medication and appointments—lines so long I cannot even see the end of it when circled around the block.

At People’s Square, the usually quiet lottery stands were packed with people trying their luck post-lockdown.

My roommate brought me home-cooked meals from her parents’ place who live close to thank me for my help during the lockdown.

Since then, I would only look for apartments with elevators.

不过因为自己当时这种完全独立的性格，遇到刻意恶整我的，为难我的人也都在过了一段时间发现我软硬不吃，油盐不进后也会派人来给我传话，表示我“是个狠人”。

Because of my completely independent personality at the time, when people deliberately tried to mess with me or make things difficult for me, after a while they realized I was neither easily softened nor swayed. They even sent others to tell me that I’m “a tough one.”

去巴黎过生日之前正好赶上换公寓要搬家，期间有四五天是没地方住的，去Nation工作时和认识的朋友提起表示自己大概是要去住宾馆，结果对方表示：你可以来我家住啊？我：

Right before my birthday trip to Paris, I had to move apartments and ended up with no place to stay for four or five days. When I mentioned this to a friend at work in Nation, said I probably need to stay at a hotel, he said, “You can stay at my place!” Me:

出于习惯又再三和对方确认发现对方是真心想帮我后还被对方领到公寓的储物室借了搬家专门用的纸箱给我，去巴黎时给对方买了巧克力当答谢的礼物，他还把他的床让给我睡，自己去睡沙发，我也不好意思白住，只有在搬家间隙主动帮他打扫厨房给每天忙于出席活动的他做一日三餐来做酬谢，结果后来对方还在斯德哥尔摩带点心回来答谢我做饭菜给他吃，得闲时两个人就坐在沙发上聊各自遇到的情感问题，还在我被喜欢的男生临时取消生日聚会的邀请难过得要哭出来时抱住安慰我。生日聚会的时候也是借了自己的裙子给他穿，还开玩笑说这裙子以后我再也不穿了因为明显穿在他身上更好看。也是生平第一次感受到了是可以向他人寻求帮助的，而且别人也会以自己同样真诚的方式对待我。搬家的时候正好赶上瑞典的瓦尔普吉斯之夜，而朋友的公寓也在学生聚集的野餐地点附近，我在公寓间来回奔波的时候还被在瑞典并不常见的人山人海吓到在焦虑症发作的边缘，还问朋友：“我是回到中国了吗？”在巴黎温暖的初春中盛装打扮的模式也一下没改过来，结果一回来就被瑞典的春寒料峭冻到感冒，一起工作的德国同学后来在学校见了我还很关切地说：你生病了，回家休息吧，你的工作内容我安排别人来做。

我*快把肺咳出来的时候又不想丢了自己拼命三郎东亚人的身份*：我没生病，亚洲人不会生病，我今晚就把工作做完。

Out of habit, I double-checked with my friend to make sure they genuinely wanted to help. He even took me to the storage room in their apartment to borrow special moving boxes. When I went to Paris, I bought him chocolates as a thank-you gift. He lets me sleep on their bed while he took the couch. Not wanting to impose, I thanked him by cleaning the kitchen during my moving breaks and cooking three meals a day for him, who was busy attending work-related events during that time. Later, he brought back pastries from Stockholm to thank me for the meals. Whenever we had free time, we’d sit on the couch and talk about our relationship problems. When the guy I liked suddenly canceled my birthday party invitation and I was on the verge of tears, my friend hugged and comforted me.

At my birthday party, I even lent him my dress and joked that I’d never wear it again because it looked better on him. For the first time in my life, I truly felt I could ask for help—and others would treat me with the same sincerity.

The move coincided with Sweden’s Valborg, and my friend’s apartment was near a popular picnic spot for students and locals. Running back and forth between apartments, I was overwhelmed by the unexpectedly massive crowds—something rarely seen in Sweden—and almost had an anxiety attack. I even asked my friend, “Is this China?”

Just went back from France and wore a dress suited in Parisian warm spring, I didn’t adjust to the chilly Swedish spring and ended up catching a cold. Later, a German colleague at work noticed and kindly said, “You’re sick, go home and take some rest. I’ll assign your tasks to someone else.”

I, stubbornly holding on to my identity as a hardworking East Asian, insisted, “I’m not sick. Asians don’t get sick. I’ll finish my work tonight.”

搬进上海的新公寓的时候父母买了祈愿我早日结婚生子的物件拜访在客厅里，我在他们走后就立即扔进了垃圾桶。到了瑞典后搬新家之前刚好从巴黎回来，大概是香槟还没喝够，于是又去买了一瓶当作送给自己的礼物，结果发现房东阿姨送给我的乔迁礼物里面也有一瓶香槟，在新公寓晚宴聚会上也拆来喝了，就当庆祝新生活的开始。

When I moved into my new apartment in Shanghai, my parents brought over a decorative item meant to symbolize their wishes for me to get married and have children soon. As soon as they left, I threw it straight into the trash.

Later, when I moved into a new apartment in Sweden—just after coming back from Paris, still apparently not done with champagne—I bought myself a bottle as the apartment warming gift. Coincidentally, my landlady also included a bottle of champagne in her apartment warming gifts for me. I ended up opening one of the bottles during my apartment warming dinner party, as a little celebration of a new chapter of my life in Sweden.

来瑞典念书后和美国的同学聊为什么来欧洲的原因，他们给出的理由也极具美式特色：“我之前和瑞典人交往过”“欧洲人长得好看又性格随和，我是来发展男女关系的，事实上很多美国人以及有美国背景的人来欧洲都是这个理由，你是不是也一样啊？”

我：lol nej tack, I don’t need sex cuz my job/uni fucks me every day (Won’t translate this sentence because my beloved mother will be reading.)

个人而言来欧洲的愿意之一是在美国大学念书的时候就发现发现当时学校里接触到的欧洲来的交换生大部分都会说至少两种语言，情商高，修养好，谈话质量高，聊天话题广，能满足我对自己精神世界构筑的需要，长得好看也只是他们最不值得一提的优点。

After coming to Sweden to study, I chatted with some American classmates about why they chose to come to Sweden. Their reasons had a very American flavor: “I’ve dated a Swedish person before,” “Europeans are good-looking and easygoing, I’m here to develop romantic relationships. In fact, many Americans or people with American backgrounds come to Europe for that reason. Are you the same?”

Me: lol nej tack, I don’t need sex cuz my job/uni fucks me every day.

Personally, I came to Europe because, as one of many reasons, when I was studying in an American university, I noticed that most of the European exchange students there spoke at least two languages, had high emotional intelligence, good manners, high-quality conversations, and a wide range of topics to talk about — all of which satisfy my needs for building my intellectual world. Their good looks were honestly the least noteworthy advantage.

到了欧洲来念书也是抱着开放的心态也没有完全拒绝和一些美国背景或者身份的同学接触。后来发现对方存在的作用也是提醒我之前为什么想要和美国直男们完全划清界限。开学不久时参加了朋友负责组织的V-Dala Nation的国际生交流活动，是在离市中心稍远的林子里徒步烧烤玩破冰游戏，结束后因为和对方住同一个学生公寓，便一起步行回去，结果半路上对方就开始：“你知道吗之前有中国女生追过我。”

我：？

觉得奇怪但也没多想就换了个话题，

后来因为在Nation有活动，穿了比较正式的裙子去参加，回公寓衣服也没换就下楼去厨房做晚饭了，也是偶遇对方，结果他见了我张口就问：“你这是在模仿抖音上最近流行的tradwife？”

我：？

认识的瑞典小孩和其他的一些人刷抖音也只是会对我唱一些他们从上面学会的中文歌而已，这种把互联网上的烂梗当真看还对现实生活中认识的人毫无歉意地发表充满性别歧视的评论倒是第一次在欧洲遇见。

之后便很排斥和他打交道，圣诞节晚餐因为自己忙做饭晚了，餐桌上只剩下他身边的一个空位置，加上做了一天的饭累到有些情绪不佳，当即便很不客气地对他说：我可不想坐你旁边，再问餐桌上的欧洲同学有谁可以和我调换位置。提出要同我一起去教堂参加圣诞弥撒的时候也被我果断地一口回绝。后来晚餐过后也是他同另一个美国人坐一桌聊政治，欧洲同学坐另一桌在玩桌游，当时的我听了他们的政治讨论没两句就拒绝坐在美国人那一桌，反而情愿坐在奶酪旁边看欧洲同学们玩我连规则都没看懂的桌游。想起之前自己组织的晚宴聚会上其他国家的欧洲同学们对法国人持有的负面评价，便问当时恰好赢了桌游的奶酪是为什么，奶酪：因为我们法国人一直是赢家啊。

后来给当晚餐桌上的欧洲同学为自己有些冒失的行为道歉时，结果却听对方说：诶呀我们是因为你和他都有美国留学的背景本来以为你们会有共同话题的，但看到你对他那副态度反而松了口气，我也不是很喜欢他啦。

压死骆驼的最后一根稻草便是，他和另一个美国人在讨论他们在欧洲的约会情况的时候知道我对浅薄的人际交往以及对各类约会软件不感兴趣，继续劝我要抱着发展男女关系的目的多和人打交道时还举例说：那天有个女生在我去车库拿自行车的时候突然走过来跟我聊天，我跟她聊了两句就知道她不是当我对象的理想人选。

我：？

遏制住冲他吼：“有没有一种可能她当时就是不想一个人走而已？不是每个跟你讲话的女生都想要和你处对象好吧？你也不拿镜子照照自己长得一副什么样子！”的冲动，翻了个白眼便上楼回自己房间去了，后来但凡在公寓遇到他也是尽量避免接触。

When I came to Europe to study, I kept an open mind and didn’t completely shut off contact with classmates who had American backgrounds or identities. But I soon realized that their presence only reminded me why I wanted to completely distance myself from American dudes.

Not long after the semester started, I attended an international student event organized by a friend at V-Dala Nation. It was a barbecue and icebreaker games in a forest a bit outside the city center. Afterward, since we lived in the same student dorm, we walked back together. Halfway through, he suddenly said, “You know, a Chinese girl used to try to pursue me.”
Me: ?
It felt odd, but I didn’t think much of it and changed the subject.

Later, at another Nation event, I wore a rather formal dress. After returning to the student apartment, without changing, I went downstairs to the kitchen to cook dinner. I ran into him again, and he immediately asked, “Are you trying to imitate the tradwife trend from TikTok?”
Me: ?

I knew some Swedish kids and others just liked singing some Chinese songs they learned from TikTok, but this was the first time in Europe I encountered someone who took an internet joke seriously and made such a blatantly sexist comment about someone they actually knew, with zero apology.

After that, I really started avoiding him. At the Christmas dinner, I was late because I was busy cooking, and the only seat left at the table was next to him. Exhausted and in a bad mood after cooking all day, I bluntly told him: “I don’t want to sit next to you,” and asked other European friends if I could swap seats. When he invited me to go to church for Christmas mass together, I flatly declined.

After dinner, he and another American sat together talking politics, while the European students played board games at another table. I quickly refused to join the Americans’ table after hearing their political discussion, preferring instead to sit by Nello and watch the Europeans play board games I didn’t even understand the rules to.

I remembered how, at a dinner party I organized before, European classmates from other countries had negative views about the French. So I asked Nello who just won the game, why, Nello said: “Because we French are always the winners.”

Later, when I apologized to the European classmates at the table for my somewhat rude and inconsiderate behavior, one of them said, “Ah, we thought you and him would have something in common since you both studied in the U.S., but seeing your attitude toward him was actually a relief. I don’t really like him either.”

The final straw came when he and another American were talking about dating experiences in Europe. Knowing I wasn’t interested in shallow connection or dating apps, they still urged me to meet people with the aim of developing romantic relationships. He gave an example: “The other day, a girl came up to chat with me while I was getting my bike from the garage. After a couple of sentences, I knew she wasn’t the right one for me.”
Me: ?

I held back the urge to shout at him, “Is it possible she just didn’t want to walk alone? Not every girl who talks to you is looking to date you, okay? Why don’t you take a good look in the mirror and see what you actually look like!” Instead, I just rolled my eyes and went upstairs to my room. After that, I tried to avoid him whenever I saw him in the student apartment.

自己完全抗拒使用线上约会软件也是源自在大学时做的一个实验，当时的室友是学社会学的，她自己除了死读书之外也想不出什么符合她本身专业课题的调查研究，当时看到身边有认识的人在用，出于好奇周末便注册了个帐号试用了一下，连刷到几个简介里带DTF的账号后觉得这个软件相当符合自己之前听闻过整体用户举止偏轻浮随便的印象，便注销账号还卸载了软件，但为了验证自己的看法准确便让室友又注册了一个新的账号做了一组对照试验。当时的自己留着短发，但有几幅假发，在打光，拍摄角度，长相，账号用户简介和性取向（男女皆可的双性恋）设置完全一致的情况下，唯一的变量就是头发长短。结果不出所料的是她长发照片的账号被该软件男女用户选择最多，我摇了摇头确认了“人是肤浅的”自己这一观察，再加上自己重视现实生活中与人的接触和相处，和一个人认识初期总会观察对方在环境中所展现出整体的言行举止和仪态气质，再决定要不要和对方交朋友，如果一开始便是和对方在线上认识，后续在线上的互动也只会认为对方是几行代码构成的聊天机器人。当时打车出门买菜都要被司机搭讪要联系方式，去看演唱会在乐队安可问观众点歌的时候坐在后排的两个男的在听到我报的歌名后立马改了自己的选择换成了我的，现实生活中已经被来自异性的不必要的关注困扰到有时候都不想出门，平时上网也只是想看看新闻和段子，更不需要更多来自虚拟世界陌生异性不必要的关注。但我本身有时也难逃自己作出的论断，回忆一下在使用这个软件的短短十几分钟里，大多数时候也都是先看账号上的照片如何，再去读个人简介的，不过如果个人简介写得不够充分，照片再好看也是不会被自己选择的（虽然自己印象中是一个用户也没有选）。抛开个人偏见和实验结果不谈，身边也有朋友是通过这个软件认识的般配男友。所以说我的个人经历并不能以偏概全，涵盖所有群体。也出于好奇问过这个通过约会软件认识男友的葡萄牙男生:“那你们互相同意成为彼此唯一的关系对象吗？因为你知道的我们东亚人对伴侣的占有欲是非常强的哦，你们呢？”对方很严肃的告诉我说：“我们刚认识的时候我就和他讲了要是专一的关系，我也是那种占有欲非常强的人，这一点是不会让步的，他也表示同意。”后来想了想也对，现实中认识的一些性格随和的女生在介绍自己的男朋友时也是用攻击性极强的设防眼神盯着没有坏心的我。世界大同，人存小异，不然也就不会有那么多各国语言唱出来的伤心情歌了。影视作品的作用之一是引导普罗大众，提高生育率，维持人口数量，现实生活是远不及荧幕上的剧情那么狗血的，普通人们也多想过安稳温馨的日子罢了。

My complete refusal to use online dating apps actually stems from an experiment I did in college. My roommate at the time was a sociology major, and besides studying hard, she couldn’t think of a suitable research project for her coursework. Seeing that some people around us were using dating apps, out of curiosity, I registered an account one weekend and tried it out. After swiping past several profiles with “DTF” in their bios, I felt the app matched the impression I’d heard—that most users behaved in a rather casual and frivolous way. I then deleted her account and uninstalled the app.

To verify my conclusion, I ask her to create another account for a controlled experiment. At that time, I had short hair but owned several wigs. I ask her to set everything else exactly the same for the profiles—the lighting, angles, looks, bio, and sexual orientation (bisexual, open to both men and women)—with the only variable being hair length. Unsurprisingly, the profile with long hair got the most matches from both male and female users on the app. I shook my head and confirmed my observation that “Most people are shallow.”

Besides, I value real-life interactions and getting to know someone by observing their overall behavior, manners, and aura in different environments before deciding to befriend them. If I only meet someone online first, then subsequent online interactions feel like chatting with a chatbot made up of lines of code.

In real life, I’ve been bothered so much by unwanted attention from the opposite sex that sometimes I don’t even want to go out. For example, taxi drivers often ask for my contact info, and at concerts, when the band asked the audience for song requests, two guys sitting behind me immediately changed their pick to the song I requested. Online, I mostly just read news and jokes—I don’t want and need any extra unnecessary attention from strangers in the virtual world.

Still, I have to admit my own bias. Looking back at the short time I spent on that dating app, I usually looked at photos first, then read bios. If the bio wasn’t detailed enough, no matter how good-looking the photos were, I wouldn’t select the person (though I don’t recall actually selecting anyone).

Putting aside my personal biases and the experiment, some of my friends have indeed found compatible partner through dating apps. Out of curiosity, I once asked a Portuguese guy whose boyfriend he met on a dating app, “Do you both agree to be each other’s exclusive partner? Because you know, East Asians tend to be very possessive about partners. What about you?” He told me with a serious look on his face, “When we first met, I told him I wanted a committed relationship and that I’m very possessive—I wouldn’t compromise on that, and He agreed.”

Thinking about it, that makes sense. Some easygoing girls I know still introduce their boyfriends with a very defensive, almost aggressive look, clearly guarding their territory from me—even though I mean no harm.

The world is big, but people differ in small ways, or else we wouldn’t have so many sad love songs in so many different languages. One role of movies and TV shows is to guide the public, raise birth rates, and maintain population numbers. Real life is far less dramatic than what we see on screen; most ordinary people just want to live a stable, simple and happy life.

才转入工程学院的时候就发现一些美国直男完全不注重个人卫生，上暑校的时候甚至要坐在教室的第一排所以不用闻教室后排积攒的体臭和汗臭味，甚至有一次在课上遇到一个边用手和自己的脚十指紧扣还边跟我搭讪的，搞得我上课都不敢再往他的方向看，被教授分到一组的小组课题开组会也是能不去就不去。后来课上遇到被教授安排一组做课题的男生也是相当无能，一次教授改了死线，连着几天给对方发消息都不回，死线前两小时码完了近千字还改完了PPT，还要遏制住自己在只有书页和打字声的图书馆站起来怒吼：“你™个废物”的冲动。对方死线后才出现问他能做什么，课程结束后便删了联系方式选择不再联系。一节微积分课上的小组Matlab作业被分到一个计算机专业的男生一组，因为觉得自己是女生心细所以便主动承担了统一格式提交作业的职责，另一个男生完成作业就会发我，也不讲什么废话，结果这个计算机专业的男生一次在早上死线前不到半小时在我反复问他要作业的时候才磨磨蹭蹭地发给我，我拿到他的代码准备整理提交前放到Matlab里跑了一下发现全是错误，问对方：你是写完根本没跑吗？

对方：啊？跑什么？

我：······················

了解计算机专业的有从来不跑步锻炼的刻板印象，但怎么跑代码这种专业本职工作都不了解实在是有些荒谬，平时跟他要作业的时候也是看我发在社交媒体上的生活记录跟我扯一些有的没的废话，我：请你能不能先把你那部分作业给写了？

When I first transferred to the engineering school, I noticed some American guys completely neglected their personal hygiene. During summer school, I would even sit in the front row of the classroom just to avoid smelling the body odor and sweat accumulated in the back rows. Once, there was a guy who, during class, was clasping his hands and toes together while trying to talk to me, which made me too uncomfortable to even look in his direction. When it came to group projects assigned by the professor, I avoided attending meetings with him whenever possible.

Later, I was grouped with another guy for a project who turned out to be extremely unreliable. One time, the professor extended the deadline, but no matter how many messages I sent him over several days, he never replied. Just two hours before the deadline, I finished writing nearly a thousand words and revised the entire PowerPoint presentation. I had to hold myself back from standing up in the quiet library—surrounded by only pages turning and typing sounds—and yelling, “You incompetent piece of sh*t!” He only showed up after the deadline to ask what he could do. After the course has ended, I deleted his contact and chose not to keep in touch.

In a calculus class, I was grouped with a computer science major dude for a Matlab assignment. Since I’m a girl and more detail-oriented, I took on the responsibility of formatting and submitting the assignment. The other guy would send me his part without much talk. But this computer science dude once waited until less than half an hour before the morning deadline to send me his code, despite my repeated requests. When I tried running his code in Matlab, it was full of bugs. I asked him, “Did you even run it after writing it?”

He replied, “Huh? Run it?”

I was speechless.

I know the stereotype that computer science majors don’t run or exercise much, but not even running code—their core job—is just ridiculous. Usually, when I ask him for the assignment, he’d distract me with random chatter about my social media posts. I finally told him, “Can you please just finish your part of the assignment first?”

在美国念书上一节材料工程课的时候莫名其妙的时候被同上一节课的土木工程系的一个男的盯上并搭讪，第一次正式见面（后来回想起来他前一学期在微积分课的教室外一直盯着我看了很久，本不擅长记人脸却因为感觉被他的眼神及存在打扰到而留下了些许印象）就伸出手来要同我握手，这让本来就抗拒肢体接触的我觉得非常困扰，而且东亚文化里也有“男女授受不亲”的规训。后来就算和在Nation遇到的瑞典小孩已经认识了好一整子，在他想展示他作为树艺师平时搬重物练就的强健的体格想要把我举起来的时候，我也是跳开还被惊到喊 “别碰我！” 结果他转身就去把有啤酒肚的澳洲厨子举起来了。本以为对方是看重自己亚洲人的身份想一起学习想拿个好成绩，结果认识第一天刚下课就开始拉着个猪脸跟我哭诉说他弟弟怎样考上了比他好的大学，他弟弟怎样比他长得好看，他的父母怎样更偏爱他弟多于他。

我*觉得莫名其妙毕竟才刚认识*：？

猪头：你讲英文和其他中国留学生不一样诶没什么口音

我：高中在这念的

结果后来又给我玩一些平时不怎么看电视的我根本不可能会懂的梗还沾沾自喜地说：看来你也没来美国多久嘛

中秋节的时候学校里中国学生会办活动，当时被猪头问平时下了课一般会干什么，有什么计划，我看他第一次见面聊天就哭成那个惨兮兮的样子出于同情就提了一句，问他要不要去，没有问要不要一起去，结果他：我有空。

我*当时性格极度内向又不擅长拒绝别人只是觉得自己命好苦*：？

人生中过的最糟烂的一个中秋节罢了，他要去月饼加工厂参与给月饼酥皮和猪油的环节成本能替人减一半。

When I was studying in the US, during a materials engineering class, I was suddenly targeted and hit on by a guy from the civil engineering department who took the class with students from the students of my department. The first time we officially met (looking back, I realized he had been staring at me for a long time outside the calculus classroom the previous semester), he reached out his hand to shake mine. This really troubled me because I already dislike physical contact, and in East Asian culture, there’s a norm of “no physical contact between unrelated men and women.”

Later, even after I’d gotten to know Swedish kid I met at the Nation for a while, when one of them, trying to show off his strong physique from working as an arborist and lifting heavy things, wanted to pick me up, I jumped away and shouted, “Don’t touch me!” He then turned around and lifted a beer-bellied Australian chef instead.

I thought this civil engineering guy wanted to study together and get good grades because he took my Asian background into consideration. But on the very first day we met, right after class, he started pulling a sad face and crying to me about how his younger brother got into a better college than him, how his brother was better looking, and how his parents favored his brother more.

Me *confused since we’d just met*: ?

He said, “Your spoken English is different from other Chinese students, no accent.”

I replied, “I went to high school here.”

Then he started joking about things I didn’t understand because I rarely watch TV, smugly saying, “Looks like you haven’t been in the US for long.”

During the Mid-Autumn Festival, the Chinese student association held an event at school. The civil engineering dude asked me what I usually do after class, what my plans were. Feeling sorry for him because of how sad he looked the first time we met, I casually asked if he wanted to go, without specifying together. He said, “I’m free.”

Me *extremely introverted and bad at saying no back then, just feeling sorry for myself*: ?

That ended up being one of the worst Mid-Autumn Festivals of my life. If he went to a mooncake factory to help with the process of making the mooncake crust with pork lard filling — something his greasy personality and behavior should have helped to cut the entire cost in half.

东亚人表达情感是十分含蓄的，日本文学家夏目漱石在当英语教师时，有学生翻译文中男女主在月亮下散步时，将男主情不自禁说出口的“I love you”直译成了“我爱你”。夏目漱石觉得学生翻译得不够含蓄委婉，不符合东亚人内敛的性格，而他则翻译成了“今夜は月が綺麗ですね”（今晚的月色真美），“風も穏やか”（风也很温柔,“我也爱你”），觉得更符合语境且能含蓄地表达爱意。在上海工作时美好的回忆不多，其中一次是难得按时下班赶去影院看当时在重映的日本爱情电影《情书》。

试问看过这部电影的女生谁又没有为站在窗边低头看书的藤井树心动过呢？

East Asians express emotions very subtly. The Japanese writer Natsume Sōseki, when he was teaching English at school, once had a student translate the male protagonist’s spontaneous “I love you” during a moonlit walk literally as “我爱你” (“I love you”). Natsume Sōseki felt the translation was not subtle or delicate enough and didn’t suit the reserved nature of East Asians. Instead, he translated it as “今夜は月が綺麗ですね” (“The moon is really beautiful tonight”) implying “I love you” and “風も穏やか” (“The wind is also gentle too”), implying “I also love you” in a more indirect, poetic way that better fit the context.

During my time working in Shanghai, there weren’t many wonderful memories, but one of them was a rare occasion when I left work on time and rushed to the cinema to watch the re-release of the Japanese romance film Love Letter.

Which girl who has seen this movie hasn’t felt their heart flutter for Fujii Itsuki standing by the window while reading?

个人觉得这部影片也是将东亚人对待感情的羞怯含蓄表现得淋漓尽致，因为学生时代女主的迟钝，男主的羞涩，最终导致了两个人的错过，转学后男主也是对女主念念不忘，后来的未婚妻也长得和女主极尽相似（由同一位女演员扮演），而男主对女主暗恋的情绪也是在他遭遇事故去世后才被揭露。而因为女主对自己产生的误会，少年对少女的喜欢在学生时代也是以一种出于小小报复心态度恶作剧的形式展现出来。（这段在荧幕上看虽然经典，但真的放到现实生活中但凡是谁没顶着柏原崇的那张帅脸敢这么做大概率是要被人揍的）

Personally, I feel this film vividly captures the shyness and subtlety with which East Asians approach emotions. Because of the female lead’s obtuse and the male lead’s shyness during their school days, the two ultimately miss their chance of being together. After transferring to another schools, the male lead still can’t forget the female lead. His fiancée later on looks strikingly similar to the female lead (played by the same actress), and the male lead’s feelings for the female lead are only revealed after he dies in an accident.

Also, due to the female lead’s misunderstanding of herself, the boy’s feelings for the girl during their youth are expressed in the form of a mischievous prank with a hint of playful revenge. (While this scene looks classic on screen, in real life, anyone who dared to do that without having a face as pretty as Takuya Kimura’s would probably get punched.)

影片中博子对着雪山大声呼喊「お元気（げんき）ですか？私（わたし）は元気です！」（“你好吗？我很好”），是对逝去未婚夫的思念，也是对这段感情的释怀，也成了世界影史镜头之一。另一句“我只想把最美好的事物展示给你。”（あなたにしか見せたくなかったことばかり。）也与《天使爱美丽》里那句经典台词有着异曲同工之妙。

而西方人在表达情感方面也没有刻板印象中那么随意和开放，认识的瑞典小孩说有女生在第一次见的时候就因为迷恋他的长相而对他开口讲“我爱你”还表示自己要出机票钱请他一起出国旅游的，当时和在场的朋友们聊到他本人对此的评价也是摇摇头说这位女生“问题很多”。回想自己初到美国时也因为东亚人害羞内敛的文化，以及一些其他因素，遇到喜欢的人也不敢直接表达，但后来受美国文化和环境的影响，遇到欣赏的人就会直接夸赞，结果却被身边的东亚人认为是太过直接，甚至还认为出于实话实说的缘由被我指出一些优点的男生们是因为我对他们有意思，遇到讨厌的人直截了当地给出理由表达厌恶的情绪还被认为是东亚文化中常见的口是心非，欲拒还迎，便再一次变得沉默寡言起来。后来到了瑞典念书，结交到的一些朋友也有一见面就夸赞我漂亮的，做饭好的，人不错的，观察下来发现对方也没有什么恶意，便也重新做回了自己，而且发现自己停在原地守株待兔不仅交不到高质量的朋友，反而会被一些奇奇怪怪的人盯上并打扰，便凭自己的感觉主动去认识结交一些朋友，觉得遇到的同学朋友漂亮的，聪明的，有才气的，严肃认真的，性格好的，都是直接大方地告诉对方，这样人际交往的方式自己十分认同，也觉得简单高效。不过一次也听到朋友提到他不敢追求喜欢的女生想起自己以前因为误会以及自己和喜欢的人的性格导致的错过而气得对他大声说：喜欢她你就去追啊！买花送她！约她出来看电影！哪怕只是约她出来散步聊天呢？难道你还要人家女生来追你吗？还有没有男生的样子？

Westerners aren’t as casually open about expressing emotions as the stereotype suggests either. The Swedish kid once told me that a girl confessed “I love you” to him the first time they met because she was captivated by his cute looks and even offered to pay for his plane ticket to travel abroad with her. When he talked about this with some friends, he just shook his head and said that girl is “full of red flags.”

When I first arrived in the U.S., because of the shy and reserved East Asian culture and some other reasons, I didn’t dare express my feelings directly even if I liked someone. But later, influenced by American culture and environment, I started complimenting people I admired openly. However, many East Asians around me thought I was too blunt and even assumed that the guys I honestly praised are my type When I straightforwardly told people I disliked why I felt that way, I was accused of being insincere or playing hard to get—common stereotypes about East Asian behavior. So I became quiet again.

When I moved to Sweden for studies, some friends openly complimented me right after meeting me—saying I was pretty, a good cook, a nice person—and I noticed they meant no harm. That gave me the confidence to be myself again. I realized that waiting passively would only keep me stuck and attract strange people to approach me. So I trusted my feelings, took the initiative to meet new people, and openly told classmates and friends when I found them beautiful, smart, talented, serious, or kind. I really appreciated this direct and generous way of interacting—it’s simple and efficient.

One time, I heard a friend say he was too shy to pursue a girl he liked. I got so mad I shouted at him: “If you like her, go after her! Buy her flowers! Ask her out for a movie! Even just for a walk or a chat! Are you going to wait for her to chase you? Who’s the man in this relationship?”

再回到大学那年的中秋节晚上，幸运的是回忆里的那晚的夜空中好像根本没看见月亮。

后来被对方领到土木工程系的公共休息室打算写作业的时候，看到四周都是他的同学，以男生为主，便一副得意的嘴脸，好像把我当作什么稀有的物件一样逢人便炫耀，说好一起写作业的他却一个字没动，东拉西扯不停地在说一些他自认有趣的话。休息室连了音响可以放歌，一首曲子放结束之后他一脸期待地冲我发问：你觉得刚刚这首曲子怎么样？

我*忙着写作业根本没听随口作答*：还行吧

他*还莫名其妙得意上了*：我作的曲子哦~

还问我的双眼皮是不是整的因为不是亚洲人中常见的面部特征。

Back to that Mid-Autumn Festival night in college—luckily, I don’t even recall seeing the moon in the sky that evening, as if it had chosen not to show up in mercy.

Later that night, he brought me to the civil engineering department’s study lounge, supposedly to work on homework together. But once we got there and I saw the room full of his classmates—mostly dudes—he started acting all smug, as if I were some rare exhibit he could show off to everyone. He didn’t do a single bit of the homework he was supposed to work on, instead just kept rambling on and on about things he thought were interesting.

There was a speaker in the room playing music. After one song ended, he turned to me eagerly and asked, “What did you think of that track?”

Me *was busy working on the homework and didn’t pay attention to it at all, so just answered casually*: “It was okay.”

He *got all proud for no reason*: “I composed it myself~”

He even asked me if my double eyelids were the result of plastic surgery, because they weren’t a common feature among East Asians.

那段时间很喜欢看脱口秀，记得一个美国脱口秀演员在讲述他怎样同他妻子认识的时候讲：我和她是通过别人介绍认识的，第一次她打电话联系我的时候我心想完了，电话里讲话这么风趣的女生长相一定很丑，后来勉为其难地见了面却意外地发现她很漂亮。

暂且不讨论这段故事的厌女成分（用外在条件物化女性，把漂亮女生不懂幽默，幽默女生不会长得漂亮当作刻板印象），当时的我瞄了眼对方不堪入目的长相，以及极其平淡且充满了孔雀开屏自吹自擂意味的个人独白，意识到似乎长得丑但讲话要风趣也只是美国厌女大环境下单方面对女性提出的要求，但也受这段脱口秀的影响，后来每次和别人Rendezvous, 不管自己精力如何，喜欢对方与否，总是以能讲出让对方笑出来的话为社交目标之一的。当时坐在滔滔不绝的对方旁边只是深感绝望，便叹了一口气，因为作业快要写完的同时又临近下午茶的时间，便从包里拿出随身携带当零食的日本糖果来吃，出于客套问他（并不希望他真的拿）：吃糖吗？

丝毫没客气地连吃带拿地摸了两颗去，倒是因为猪的嘴在忙着吃糖耳根子难得清静了几分钟。

At the time, I was really into stand-up comedy. I remember one American comedian talking about how he met his wife:
“We were introduced by mutual friends. When she first called me, I thought, ‘Oh no, she’s way too funny on the phone—she’s definitely going to be ugly.’ But I reluctantly agreed to meet her, and to my surprise, she was really beautiful.”

Setting aside the blatant misogyny in that bit—objectifying women based on appearance and reinforcing the stereotype that attractive women can’t be funny, and funny women can’t be attractive—I glanced at the guy next to me that afternoon, who was objectively hard to look at, and thought about his painfully bland self-introduction, full of nothing but self-important humblebragging. It really hit me: being unattractive yet feeling entitled to someone else's attention as long as you’re “funny” seemed to be just another standard women were expected to meet under America’s misogynistic cultural atmosphere. No one was expecting men to be both funny and good-looking.

That comedy bit stuck with me, though. From then on, whenever I had a rendezvous with someone—regardless of how I felt about them or how drained I was—I’d still make it one of my goals to say something that would make them laugh.

That day, sitting next to this guy who just wouldn’t stop talking, I could only sigh in despair. As I was wrapping up my assignment and it was almost afternoon teatime, I pulled out some Japanese candy I carried around as a snack. Out of politeness, I asked, “Want a candy?” (hoping he’d say no).

Without a shred of hesitation, he grabbed two and started munching away. Strangely enough, with his mouth finally busy chewing, it was the first moment of peace and quiet I’d had since he opened his mouth.

这个时候又一首歌放完，手机连了音响的男生问有没有人要点歌，又因为大多数人除了那头忙着孔雀开屏的猪之外都在学习，所以建议最好点纯音乐比如爵士，当时耐心快被耗尽的我：“你可以放Chet Baker吗？”这时候坐在对面的一位南欧长相的男生突然抬头接话：“你听爵士乐的品味好装哦。”

我*瞪大眼睛*：你听过Chet Baker?!

后来从爵士乐再聊到摇滚，聊得开心出于对于对方的欣赏递糖给他的时候（真的希望他拿）他反而摆摆手说不用了，继续聊音乐的话题，一副家教修养很好的样子。因为他有课要上，和我摇头晃脑地听完一首休息室音响外放的Judas Priest的Breaking The Law聊了没两句之后就走了。我这个时候才意识到我忘了问他的名字和联系方式，后来回想他接我的话之前也是一副低头不说话认真做事的模样，和坐在旁边夸夸其谈的猪形成了强烈的对比，好似被强行灌了一大勺猪油后的一颗沁人心脾的薄荷柠檬糖，对对方很是欣赏，便问四周的人他的信息，结果坐在旁边抄我已经写好的作业的猪头这时候突然接话说：“哦他呀，他叫（已经忘了，我真的很不擅长记人名），是西班牙来的一年制交换生。”还不忘一脸嫉妒地补充说：“他这个人很古怪的。” 当时便瞪了他一眼还在心里骂说：“你tm才古怪。”

结果认识这头猪不到一个月就问我住哪儿的公寓在我没有发出邀请的情况下企图找借口往我的公寓里钻。

我*觉得恶心便开始胡言乱语*：我有病，发作起来会打人的，以后不要再联系我了。

Just as another song finished playing, the guy who had his phone connected to the speakers asked if anyone wanted to request something. Since most people—aside from the pig busying peacocking sitting next to me—were actually trying to study, someone suggested it’d be best to stick to instrumental tracks, like jazz.

By then, my patience was wearing thin, so I said, “Could you play something by Chet Baker?”

That’s when a guy across from me—Southern European-looking—suddenly looked up and commented, “Your jazz taste is kind of pretentious.”

I widened my eyes and asked, “Wait, you know Chet Baker?!”

That opened the door. We ended up chatting not just about jazz, but rock music too. We hit it off, and I really appreciated his vibe, so I offered him some candy (this time genuinely hoping he’d take it), but he politely waved it off and continued the conversation—he carried himself with a quiet, well-mannered presence.

Eventually, he had to head to class. We listened together to a song playing on the speakers—Judas Priest’s Breaking the Law—nodding along to the beat, exchanged a few more thoughts, and then he left. It wasn’t until he was gone that I realized... I’d forgotten to ask his name or how to contact him.

Thinking back, before he jumped into the conversation, he had also been sitting there quietly, focused on his own work—the complete opposite of the guy next to me who’d been bragging nonstop. It felt like going from being force-fed a spoonful of pig lard to suddenly tasting a refreshing mint-lemon candy. I genuinely admired him, so I asked around to see if anyone knew who he was.

That’s when the pig—who had been shamelessly copying my already-finished homework—chimed in smugly: “Oh him? He’s [I forgot the name, I’ve never been good with names], a one-year exchange student from Spain.” Then, with a face full of jealousy, he added, “He’s kind of weird though.”

I shot him a glare and cursed silently in my head: “You’re the one who’s fu*king weird, ffs.”

Less than a month into knowing this pig, he already asked which apartment I lived in—and, without me ever inviting him, started looking for excuses to try and weasel his way over.

Feeling disgusted, I blurted out a bunch of nonsense: “I’m not well. When it acts up, I get violent. Please don’t contact me again.”

后来也想着再去找那个西班牙男生，想和他交朋友，但对于丑的极度恐惧最终战胜了对美的向往（虽然已经完全记不得对方什么长相），再加上已经知道对方是交换生，并不会在美国待得长久，便就作罢。后来在其他课上遇到欧洲来的交换生上课时的态度也是非常专业的，做课题的时候基本上不讲什么废话，偶尔闲聊也主要是平时看球支持哪支球队，沟通都是非常顺畅的，也从不过问一些涉及隐私的问题，认识没几天就开始哭诉个人经历企图用情感勒索的方式加速人际交往的进程的事情也从来没在他们身上发生过，因此对于欧洲男生会聊天修养好的印象就这么留了下来。

Later on, I did think about trying to find that Spanish guy again—maybe become friends with him—but my intense fear of unattractiveness ultimately overpowered my yearning for beauty (even though, at that point, I could no longer recall what he actually looked like). On top of that, knowing he was only in the U.S. as a short-term exchange student and wouldn’t be staying long made me give up on the idea altogether.

Later, in other classes, I came across more exchange students from Europe, and I noticed their attitude toward coursework was very professional. When we worked on group projects, there was barely any unnecessary small talk. If we chatted at all, it was usually about which football club they supported—nothing invasive, just simple and easy conversations. They never asked overly personal questions or tried to accelerate friendships by dumping emotional baggage early on.

So, through those experiences, I came to associate European guys with being good conversationalists and having solid manners.

在上海工作遇到的男的大多数一上来就要和我谈婚论嫁，而在美国接触到的男的却是在刚见面就要和你发展男女关系，身处两个极端，但都聊天能力极差，也不谈人生规划不谈职业理想，感觉他们余生都只是想要在卧室里度过，而不是选一个人生伴侣共同奋斗一起生活。我的个人经历也不是个例，台湾作家三毛在上世纪去美国留学的时候就被美国男同学约出去说要开车去海边兜风，以为是对方单纯抱着交朋友的目的接近自己，结果到了海边车刚停下对方就用手揽住了她的肩，她当即就把对方的手拿下来，和对方讲说自己不是那种随便的女人，对方也算识趣，没有再继续下去。

When I was working in Shanghai, most of the men I met jumped straight into talking about marriage from the very beginning. In contrast, the men I encountered in the U.S. often wanted to rush into romantic or physical relationships the moment we met. It felt like I was stuck between two extremes—but in both cases, the communication was extremly poor. They didn’t talk about life goals, career aspirations, or any meaningful plans for the future. It seemed like their entire vision of "the rest of their lives" was just confined to the bedroom, not about choosing a life partner to grow and build a life with together.

My experience isn’t unique either. Taiwanese writer Sanmao wrote about something similar when she went to study in the U.S. back in the last century. An American male classmate invited her to go for a drive to the beach, and she thought he simply wanted to be friends. But as soon as they arrived and the car stopped, he casually put his arm around her shoulder. Sanmao immediately removed his hand and told him firmly that she wasn't that kind of woman. To his credit, he backed off and didn’t push further.

最后自己这样跟猪头讲是因为之前拒绝别人反而被霸凌的经历，发现一些男的无法接受女生对他们的直接拒绝，有时候甚至还会把女生讲的“不”当作欲拒还迎的体现，变本加厉地持续骚扰，还会刻意物化女性，把女性看作是没有独立思考能力和完整人格的男性所有物，女性单独存在的时候是不需要被他们尊重的，但身边一旦站了个男人便不再敢轻举妄动，还会因为女性的对象质量如何根据他们自己心目中的标准而继续给她们划分等级。大学的时候有一次突然被初中的同学联系，没聊两句就开始和我讲他前女友的坏话，企图博取我的同情心（如果他会讲前女友的坏话，同理那把我骗到手之后是不是也会跟别人讲我的坏话），还把成绩下滑完全归结在他的前女友身上，油腔滑调地跟我聊天，坐在图书馆里只想专心写物理作业的我不希望对话就这么进行下去(我当时可是正在学习爱因斯坦的相对论诶！谁有资格比相对论更有趣？)，又临近午饭时间，就上网找了一张南欧长相却不是自己喜欢的类型的男生照片给对方发过去说：回头再聊，我男朋友喊我回去吃午饭了。

那之后对方再也没来烦过我，如果只是抱着和老同学叙旧或者单纯交朋友的目的，大概不会失踪得这么彻底。后来发现这招有用之后便每次有机会都这样讲，屡试不爽，又因为中国人有把条件不错的女生介绍给人别人当人情送的风俗习惯，还加了细节说自己的“男朋友”在哪儿念书，父母是做什么的，来经受别人的盘问。

The reason I ended up telling that pig that I’m not well was because of past experiences where simply rejecting someone directly had led to bullying. I realized that some men just cannot handle a straightforward “no” from a woman. In fact, they often interpret it as a form of “playing hard to get,” and instead of backing off, they double down with even more aggressive behavior. These men tend to objectify women—treating them not as independent individuals with thoughts and feelings, but as possessions to be claimed. A woman on her own doesn’t seem to deserve basic respect in their eyes, but the moment she’s seen with a man, they suddenly become cautious and back off. They’ll even evaluate her based on the perceived quality of her male companion, assigning her worth accordingly.

I remember back in college, an old classmate from middle school suddenly messaged me one day. We hadn’t talked in years, and after just a few exchanges, he started bad-mouthing his ex-girlfriend to win my sympathy. (I mean, if he talks trash about his ex to me, what’s stopping him from doing the same about me to someone else if things went south?) He blamed all his academic struggles on her and flirted with a slick, greasy tone that made me uncomfortable. I was sitting in the library just trying to finish my physics homework, and didn’t want the conversation to continue. I was studying Einstein's theory of relativity at the time! I mean, who could compete with that kind of excitement?

Since it was almost lunchtime, I quickly searched online for a picture of a guy with a Southern European look—someone who wasn’t even my type—and sent it to him saying, “Let’s chat later. My boyfriend’s calling me home for lunch.”

After that, he never bothered me again. If he had really wanted to reconnect as an old friend or just talk genuinely, he probably wouldn’t have disappeared so completely. Once I realized how effective that trick was, I started using it whenever necessary—and it always worked.

Also, since it’s common in Chinese culture for people to try to “do a favor” by setting up well-qualified women with far less qualified dudes, I started adding extra “boyfriend” details when needed—like what school he was attending or what his parents did for a living—just to avoid further interrogation.

结果回国第一份工作因为用的手机电脑都被公司装了监控，自己的私人手机也被设计装了窥屏软件，自己“男朋友”的那一套说辞很快便被识破，还被语重心长地劝导说：你不能这样讲，不能说自己谈过白人男朋友，这样中国男的心理上会自卑，不敢追你更不敢跟你交往，因为他们会觉得标准不一样没办法跟白男作比较。

我瞬间就来了兴致：哦你想要跟中国男的比啊？那你更比不过了哦，你可以直接跟我父亲这个对我最好的中国男人比啊，从小就让我住上别墅，平时都是开奔驰接送我，八岁的时候带我出去吃饭就牛排馆的商务套餐任我选，知道我参加学校的运动会还会去进口商店花大价钱买红牛给我喝，午饭都能当场放下不吃驱车带我去车程20分钟外的公园划一个小时的船，就因为我撇了一下嘴说：“可是爸爸你上周答应过我的”，带我去超市在我馋单价就很贵的进口零食表示买一个尝一下就好的时候给我买了一整箱。本来你的竞争对手是这个地球上所有单身适龄男的，明明自己不看家庭条件学历背景和经济实力，只看给我的感觉和对方的人品性格潜力，之前自己那样讲也是好给无法接受直接拒绝的你台阶下让你好知难而退，是你自己偏偏要扯到白人至上主义上面还给自己拉高难度跟对我最好的中国男的比的哦，还自卑吗？跟中国女的比你也比不过，你找个借口骗我出来吃顿饭还要抠抠搜搜地妄想让我记一辈子，还做梦希望从我这捞回去点什么，我妈来上海看我随手就是点一桌菜，我自己平时随便吃顿饭都是你一个月生活费。这么一说是不是觉得自己能比过了？还想跟中国人自己比吗？标准是不是给你立统一了？

甚至还要再补充一句: 就因为我爸对我太好了所以我是没有任何恋父情结的。

When I returned to China for my first job, I quickly found out that both my phone and computer were being monitored by the company. Even my personal phone had been secretly installed with spyware. So, my usual coverup story about having a “boyfriend” was quickly exposed. I was then given a so-called heartfelt warning: “You can’t say things like that. You can’t tell people you’ve dated a white guy. Chinese men will feel insecure—they won’t dare to pursue you, let alone date you. They’ll feel like they can’t compete with white men, because the standards are different.”

At that moment, I became instantly intrigued: Oh? You want to compare yourself to Chinese men? Then you’re even less qualified. You could just compare yourself to the best Chinese man I know—my dad.

He let me grow up in a house, drove me around in Mercedes, and when I was eight, he’d take me out to steakhouse and tell me to order whatever I wanted from the business set menu. When I had school sports day, he’d go to import stores and spend a fortune to buy me Red Bull. He’d skip lunch to drive 20 minutes to the park with me to kayak, just because I pouted and said, “But dad, you promised me last week.” Once at the supermarket, I said I wanted to try a fancy imported snack, and he bought me an entire box instead of just one.

Honestly, your competitors aren’t just Chinese men or white men—they're every single eligible man on the planet. And me? I don’t even judge people based on family background, education, or financial status. I look at how someone makes me feel, their character, and their potential.

The reason I made up that whole “boyfriend” story in the first place was to give you a way out—to help you save face after I had to turn you down. But you were the one who dragged it into a white-supremacy narrative and made things difficult for yourself. Now you still want to compare yourself to the best Chinese man in my life? Are you feeling secure enough yet?

You can’t even compete with Chinese women. You tried to trick me into going out for a lunch, hoping I’d be grateful forever, and you could somehow gain something from me in return. Meanwhile, when my mom visited me in Shanghai, she casually ordered an entire table full of food. A random meal I treat myself at French fine dining restaurant costs more than your whole monthly living allowance.

So now—do you still think you can compete? Still want to compare yourself to only Chinese people? Is the benchmark clear enough for you?

And just to make it extra clear:It’s exactly because my dad treated me so well that I have whatever the opposite of what daddy issue is.

第一份在管理混乱，分工不明确，上司滥用职权的咨询公司的工作有多有毒呢，简单举几个例子。

同事吃午饭的时候吐槽辱骂上司，我出于给对方情绪支持的习惯点头附和了几句，结果后来被同事告到上司那里说是我在饭桌上吐槽辱骂上司，自己在饭桌上提到的工作内容也被同事提到上司那里去说是她的主意。

比我后入职的新同事一上岗就安排学习工作任务，而我一进公司就被递了两本书看被晾了近两个月整，面试的时候就骗我说只有几间不符合安全标准实验室的公司有工厂和产品线。后来了解到是因为公司的合伙人自己说觉得我背景太好学校也不差搞不明白为什么我要来他们的公司工作（因为疫情被关得太久了精神状态不好，但又不想用父母的钱，所以当时找了一份内容相对来说简单薪水能维持自己生活的工作打算自己慢慢做调整，结果却是加剧恶化了自己的心理状态），再加上我的顶头上司女合伙人把我当竞争对手而不是普通员工在培养，而且在招聘期间就把一些女生当作大龄离异上司的潜在发展对象而不是正经员工约来面试，思前想后觉得只是想好好工作的我当初来应聘是有什么不可告人的目的，其中的可能之一就是其他公司派来偷他们公司的行业机密的（说实话该公司真的没什么机密，找个投资人买几台机器租几间办公司招几个本科研究生就可以完美复刻甚至超越，合伙人甚至还要每次在开会的时候逼员工靠人脉给公司拉业务），遂在我手机上装了监控。

入职的第三个月，被我追着要工作做才给我简单做了几个培训，培训我的同事也是教的不情不愿，做实验从来不记数据，问就一个周期两三个月的项目每天几十组数据全记在了他的天才大脑里，后来还是我掏自己的钱买了个文件夹，整理了几个项目的数据。教东西也只教笼统的内容，不教细节，我犯了错误问他错在哪儿也说不出来，现在想来他大概也是个半吊子根本没学到家。后来在自己用的公司电脑邮件记录上也发现我这个职位就没有人能干超过三个月的，而我则硬是咬牙坚持了五个月。被我搞清他们的小动作之后，提出要离职，三番五次不肯让我走，还终于答应要给我项目做，忍无可忍直接把女合伙人怼到哭在她快要说实话的时候猥琐男上司不停地开始推她，还差点把她推倒在地，生怕被我刺激到情绪失控的她把他们在我背后做的那些见不得光的事说出口。

公司的合伙人在公司买了个上下床，说累了可以休息，平时要员工把公司当家，吃住都在公司或公司附近，自己工作日在几个距离很远的实验室之间来回跑动，计步软件每天动辄就几万步上下，饿到有时候低血糖发作全身发抖去便利店买东西吃作简单休息都要说是偷懒不好好工作，后来开玩笑和朋友家人讲决定来瑞典念书的原因之一也是因为当地的fika文化。中午吃饭的时候因为不喜欢浪费粮食，总是习惯把饭吃的干干净净，而体型和我差不多，当天工作量和我近似的男工程师吃完后还要和店家要求添饭，结果自己被公司的女实习生用戏谑的语气评价：“你吃得好多啊。”对那个男工程师却一句评价都没有，国内大学工程学院对学生在人文素质上教育的投入可见一斑。

一日早上来工作时没睡醒还有些瞌睡，大脑没有完全开机，做实验看英文指导书时被同事问：“ambient”是什么意思的时候一时没反应过来，平时遇到自己用中文解释不清的英文单词也会在公司电脑上搜索确认一下，结果后来就一直被质疑自己的教育背景和语言能力。一次临近下班的时候几位同事点了麦当劳当晚饭，其中几位有美国留学背景，就讨论了一下麦当劳在美国的餐厅和在中国提供酱料的不同之处，我说美国餐厅提供的ranch（牧场酱）才吃的时候以中国人的口味一点也不习惯，后来吃多了还觉得挺好吃。这个时候在美国念了五年博士的女合伙人问：“Ranch是什么啊？”我当时就觉得不可思议，后来提到在美国看演唱会之类的休闲娱乐生活的时候她也是：“我从来不去玩这些~我是好学生乖宝宝~”

我：.....................................（这有什么必然联系吗？东亚人还真是有毒

按父母的教导，母亲在学校给同事发消息时连标点符号都不出错的，敬语尊称上下文充分给女合伙人发消息问询工作内容的时候却被对方莫名其妙吐槽我消息发太长了不想看，后来不经意间在网上搜到了她美国小学生水平遣词造句写成的博士毕业论文时，我爆笑之余似乎大概理解了原因。

平时正常工作没有问题也要硬挑我毛病，挑不出毛病就从我这个人身上下手，一会儿说我拿筷子的手势不标准（小时候在爷爷奶奶家生活，被外科手术刀比筷子拿的标准的爷爷教的），连从小学钢琴对声音敏感都要被恶意揣测是因为在恶劣不和谐的环境里长大。化妆时挑我妆容的毛病，不化妆又说我不上心，仅仅是作为同事也要对我的生活指手画脚，就连自己的中文名到最后都要被挑刺说是一听就是中产家庭的小孩，太过独特，甚至有些卖弄文化的意味，不过我也确实没有在现实生活中遇到与我同姓名的中国人罢了。

Just how toxic was my first job at a poorly managed consulting firm with unclear divisions of responsibility and a power-abusing boss? Let me give a few examples.

During lunch one day, a colleague was venting and cursing our supervisor. Out of habit and emotional support, I nodded and agreed with a few things. Later, this same colleague went and reported to the boss that I had been the one bad-mouthing them at the lunch table. What’s more, the work ideas I casually mentioned during that lunch were later claimed by the same colleague as her own when speaking to the boss.

A coworker who joined after me was immediately assigned training and work tasks. Meanwhile, I was handed two books and left to rot for nearly two whole months. During the interview, they had lied to me, the company had its own factories and product lines where they only have a few labs didn’t meet safety standards. Later I learned the partners found my background and school too impressive and couldn’t understand why I’d want to work at their company (They actually said these words and the truth is I’d been emotionally unwell after being locked down for so long during the pandemic, and I didn’t want to rely on my parents financially—so I chose a relatively simple job with just enough pay to support myself while I heal myself slowly. Ironically, the job only worsened my mental state).

On top of that, the female partner who was my direct supervisor saw me not as a regular employee to mentor but as a potential rival. During recruitment, they even treated some women as potential romantic prospects for a middle-aged, divorced male boss, not as serious hires. Given that, they started suspecting I had ulterior motives for applying—maybe I was a spy from another company sent to steal their “trade secrets” (though honestly, there weren’t any. Anyone could easily replicate or even surpass their model by renting a few offices, buying some machines, and hiring some undergraduate and graduate students. The partners themselves would pressure staff during meetings to bring in business through personal connections). That’s when they secretly installed spyware on my phone.

In my third month, after I practically begged them to give me tasks, I finally got some basic training. The colleague training me was reluctant and passive, didn’t record any experimental data, and when I asked how he kept track, he claimed to store everything in his “genius brain,” despite each day involving dozens of data sets over a 2–3-month cycle. Eventually, I used my own money to buy a folder and organized the data from a few projects myself. He only taught vague overviews—no actual details. When I made mistakes and asked what went wrong, he couldn’t explain. Looking back, he was probably just a half-baked amateur himself.

Through old emails on the company laptop, I later discovered that no one in my position had ever lasted more than three months. I gritted my teeth and stuck it out for five.

When I finally pieced together what they'd been doing behind my back, I submitted my resignation. They refused to let me leave, even promising me real projects to make me stay. Eventually, I snapped and confronted the female partner so hard she started crying. Just as she was on the verge of confessing, the creepy male boss began physically pushing her—nearly knocking her over—to stop her from emotionally unraveling and spilling the truth.

The company even bought a bunk bed for the office, saying people could nap when tired. Staff were expected to treat the company like home—eating and sleeping there or nearby. I ran around between several labs every day, often racking up tens of thousands of steps. When low blood sugar made me shake, I’d go to a convenience store for a quick snack and rest, only to be accused of slacking off. I later joked with friends and family that one reason I decided to study in Sweden was because of the local fika culture.

At lunch, I’d always finish my food out of respect—not wasting anything. I’m about the same size as a male engineer coworker who did the same amount of work, yet he’d ask for extra rice, and no one said a word. Meanwhile, a female intern mocked me with a sarcastic tone “Wow, you eat a lot,” showing just how little emphasis engineering schools in China place on humanistic education.

One morning, I came to work still sleepy, my brain was not fully awake. While reading an English manual for an experiment, a coworker asked me what “ambient” meant. I didn’t respond immediately. Normally, when I struggle to explain a word in Chinese, I look it up on the work computer. But from that moment on, they began questioning my educational background and language skills.

One time, just before finishing work, a few coworkers ordered McDonald's for dinner. Some had studied in the U.S., so we chatted about the differences in sauces between U.S. and Chinese branches. I mentioned that I hadn’t liked ranch dressing at first, but grew to like it over time. Then the female partner—who had earned her PhD in the U.S. over five years—asked, “What’s ranch?” I was speechless. She also once said, “I never go to concerts or go clubbing kind of stuff—I’m a good girl~ a model student~”
Me: ....................................
(How is that even related? East Asians really can be so toxically repressed.)

My parents raised me to be respectful and articulate—my mom, a professor, wouldn’t even omit punctuation when texting her colleagues. I sent this female partner carefully worded messages with proper honorifics and context, only to have her complain that my messages were “too long” and that she “didn’t want to read them.” Later, I accidentally found her PhD dissertation online, written at the level of an American fifth grader, and after laughing out loud, I finally understood why.

Even when my work was fine, they still tried to find fault. When they couldn’t, they attacked me personally. They criticized how I held chopsticks (even though I was taught by my grandfather, a surgeon who held a scalpel better than chopsticks). They speculated that my acute sensitivity to sound—thanks to playing piano since childhood—must be because I grew up in a chaotic, disharmonious environment. They mocked my makeup when I wore it and accused me of being careless when I didn’t. As a mere coworker, they still felt entitled to judge my private life. Even my Chinese name was eventually nitpicked—they said it “sounded too much like a middle-class kid's name,” was “too unique,” and came off as being culturally pretentious. I guess it’s true—I've yet to meet another Chinese person who shares my name.

当时领着一人份的薪水，最忙的时候在公司却要身兼三职，财务，个人助理还要在各个项目之间来回跑动顶替工程师的职责，身边的个别男同事还不是特别注意个人卫生，在密闭没有空调的房间里做实验时还要忍受对方身上散发出的馊臭气，作为新手的我请教对方问题还要被对方吼，甚至有时候还会在我不了解一些专业相关知识的时候没好气地说：“这不是常识吗？”某日在公司算了一整天的账，大脑也被用到极限，本来只想自己一个人搭地铁回家休息，结果却被同路的几位同事叫去买奶茶喝。当时奶茶店有折扣，两杯一起买会便宜一些，但总价却是个单数，因为当时是一位男实习生主动提出付的两杯折扣茶钱，想着给对方多转半块钱却因为和数字打了一天交道而头昏脑胀算错而少付了半块钱，结果第二天我“捞女”的名声就在公司传开了，还莫名其妙地被污蔑是对这个已经有女友的男实习生有意思才少付对方半块钱。

At that time, I was paid a salary for one position, but at the busiest times, I had to juggle three roles at the company—handling finance, working as a personal assistant, and running between various projects to cover the engineers’ duties. Some male colleagues around me paid little attention to personal hygiene, and when doing experiments in a small, closed room without air conditioning, I had to endure the unpleasant, sour smell coming from them. When I, as a newcomer, asked questions, I was often yelled at. Sometimes, when I didn’t understand certain professional knowledge, they would snap at me, “Isn’t that common sense?”

One day, after crunching numbers all day, my brain was completely exhausted. I just wanted to take the subway home by myself and rest alone. But some colleagues who were going the same way called me to buy milk tea with them. The milk tea shop was offering a discount: buying two cups together was cheaper, but the total price came out to an odd number. A male intern offered to pay for both drinks, so I tried to give him back an extra half yuan as change. But after a whole day of dealing with numbers, my head was foggy, and I miscalculated, giving him half a yuan less than I intended. The next day, I had somehow earned the company gossip nickname of being a “gold digger,” with the ridiculous rumor spreading that I had a thing for that intern—who already had a girlfriend—because I shortchanged him by half a yuan.

后来一次自己过生日，被男同事送了一支名牌口红，因为自己学过化学，知道大部分口红的成分不过是胭脂虫和润滑油，成本不会太贵，在化妆品营销得铺天盖地的时候也没有买过什么溢价口红，从高中开始化妆时就坚持只用五美元一支的露华浓。和男同事道了谢，同时心里也清楚对方没在礼物上花多少心思，只是按照对总体女生的刻板印象随手买了份礼物送我，但还是心存感激对方能记得自己的生日，便在购物软件里加了按口红的六倍价格的对方喜欢的一个奢侈品品牌的袖扣，准备等对方过生日时送还给对方及其女友，那支口红也是被我随手放在了公寓的角落里，从来没拆封用过，毕竟是发自内心地不感兴趣。当时才回国工作不久，领了两个月薪水后便想着给家人们买礼物，因为父母从小便是尽其所能倾其所有在我身上投资他们所能接触到的最好的教育和资源，自己也想送给父母自己当时能负担得起的最好的东西，比如觉得母亲应该会喜欢爱马仕，而爱马仕的印花贵妇风同自己工作日黑白灰白领风和周末的摇滚朋克风是完全不搭调的，但以自己当时的薪水能买得起爱马仕的单品也只有丝巾，所以就放在购物软件的收藏夹里一直存着。结果一日和上司谈话的时候又被对方莫名其妙，语重心长，倚老卖老地教导：年轻人不要这么看重奢侈品，现在才工作薪水不高，要脚踏实地地过日子。我当时抬头看了对方一眼，觉得和工作后第一件事是把自己的母亲叫来公司当保洁的人是讲不出什么道理也完全无法共情的，便也没再说什么，毕竟对方放着自己母语里的“敬人者人恒敬之”的教导不听，用一口勉强算流利的中式英语有机会就在公司所有人面前强调：“Respect is earned not given(尊敬不是别人随便给的，是要靠自己争取的)”。又同时觉得被对方窥探自己隐私肆意揣测我行为动机的做法困扰到，后来在公司除了属于自己的工作内容其他时间都以消极攻击的态度应对着。比如在衣着正式黑白灰为主的咨询公司在没有客户上门拜访的时候就穿一身色彩鲜亮的绿色条纹西装来上班刺激上司脆弱的眼神经和脑神经。

Once, on my birthday, a male colleague gave me a luxury band lipstick as a gift. Since I studied chemistry, I knew that most lipsticks are just made from carmine and lubricants, so the production cost isn’t that high. Even with all the aggressive marketing for cosmetics, I had never bought any overpriced lipstick. Since high school, I’ve stuck to using $5 Revlon lipsticks. I thanked the colleague but was aware he hadn’t put much thought into the gift—he’d just grabbed something based on stereotypical ideas about what women like. Still, I appreciated that he remembered my birthday. So, on a shopping app, I added a pair of luxury brand cufflinks—about six times the price of that lipstick—from a brand he liked, planning to give them back to him and his girlfriend on his birthday. As for the lipstick, I just tossed it in a corner of my apartment unopened, since I genuinely wasn’t interested.

I had only been back working in China for a short time, and after getting two months’ salary, I wanted to buy gifts for my family. My parents had always invested everything they could to give me the best education and resources possible. I wanted to give them the best I could afford. For example, I thought my mother might like Hermès. Although Hermès’s floral, elegant style clashed completely with my weekday black-white-gray office look and weekend punk-rock style, the only Hermès item I could afford at that moment was a silk scarf. So I kept it saved in my shopping app’s favorites.

Then one day, during a talk with my boss, I was lectured—out of nowhere, in a condescending and self-important tone—that young people shouldn’t put so much importance on luxury goods, especially early in their careers when their salaries are low, and that I should just live a down-to-earth life. I looked up at the person and thought, “This is the same person who made his mother work as a janitor at the company right after he started.” There was no reasoning or empathy to be found there, so I didn’t say anything. After all, despite having the Chinese saying “敬人者人恒敬之” (“Respect those who respect others, and respect will be reciprocated”), this person ignored it and kept repeating in somewhat broken Chinglish in front of everyone at work: “Respect is earned, not given.”

At the same time, I felt disturbed by how much they pried into my privacy and arbitrarily judged my motives. So, apart from my own work, I responded to everything else at the company with a passive-aggressive attitude. For example, in a consulting firm where formal black, white, and gray attire was the norm when no clients were visiting, I showed up one day wearing a bright green striped suit just to irritate my boss’s fragile eyes and brain nerves.

My mentality at the moment: https://youtu.be/ybBVimmEY4E?si=sNsT3UT-sH8DcE5D

到后来妆也不愿意再化，尽可能邋里邋遢头发两天不洗地去上班。再比如手头没有要紧的工作时会在周五编个理由调用自己的调休时间一个人去参观索尼在上海开的产品展会。到后来情绪和压力累积到一定地步的时候会在没有被安排工作内容的时候出门去其他公司参加面试，因为当时的上司已经意识到我完全没有和他发展私人关系的意愿，一度地将我边缘化，也不安排核心工作内容给我。终于在一次项目上听闻他们给客户的数据造假后下定决心离了职。正好是在那位男同事过生日前离的职，后来也没机会再送礼物还给他，于是又被他们抓住机会说我是举止轻浮的捞女，对我言语上无止境的骚扰一直到后来给自家在上海的公寓装修时，被发现我对装修工人们都是一副和善态度，中午会和他们一起去苍蝇馆子吃饭并主动付所有人的饭钱，夏天天气热时还会给工人们买水果和饮料，综合对比下来才发现我一直没有和任何人搞暧昧的意思，以及后来过了很久才想起的那支口红也是在二手平台上卖掉，还拍照验证膏体完全没有被我动过发给买家，得来的钱也全捐给了红十字会后才消停。

Eventually, I stopped wanting to wear makeup altogether and started showing at work as messy as possible—sometimes not washing my hair for two days. For example, when I didn’t have any urgent tasks, I would make up an excuse on a Friday to use my personal time off and visit Sony’s product exhibition in Shanghai alone.

As the emotional pressure and stress built up, whenever I wasn’t assigned any work, I began going out to attend interviews at other companies. By then, my boss had realized I had no interest in developing a personal relationship with him and had marginalized me, withholding important tasks. I finally decided to quit after hearing about data falsification on a project they were doing for a client.

Coincidentally, I resigned just before that male colleague’s birthday, so I never had a chance to return the gift I had planned for him. They seized this opportunity to label me as a flirtatious “gold digger” and subjected me to endless verbal harassment.

Later, when my own apartment in Shanghai was being renovated, it became clear from how I treated the workers—always with manners, eating with them at cheap local restaurants during lunch and offering to pay for everyone’s meals, buying fruits and drinks for them on hot summer days—that I had no intention of flirting with anyone.

After a long time, I suddenly remembered that lipstick. I sold it on a second-hand platform, even photographing it to prove the product hadn’t been used and sent the picture to the buyer, and donated all the money from that lipstick to the Red Cross. Only after that the verbal harassment finally stopped.

到了欧洲在学校里认识的男生大多数讲话都是和和气气的，问他们问题也是语气平和地耐心解答，坐在他们旁边上课的时候有时还能闻到他们身上洗衣剂或须后水的香气，有的男同学甚至连指甲比我这个因为平时要弹琴的女生修剪得还要干净整齐，但和人出去吃饭时还是因为之前的经历，尤其是和男生吃饭也是坚决自己付账，甚至还要多付给对方一些，和自己年纪小很多的男生出门吃饭有时还会把对方的饭钱也付了，和别人提起也是说：“昨天带侄子出去玩咯。”偶尔遇到对方提出要付饭钱的时刻也是冲对方眨眨眼睛一脸疑惑觉得不可思议，因为自身在国内不愉快的经历甚至还会觉得对方是有什么不可告人的目的。

Most of the boys I met at school in Europe spoke kindly and patiently. When I asked them questions, they answered calmly and with patience. Sometimes, when sitting next to them in class, I could even smell the pleasant scent of their laundry detergent or aftershave. Some male classmates kept their nails even cleaner and more neatly trimmed than mine, despite me being a girl who regularly plays the piano.

However, when going out to eat with others, especially with boys, because of my previous experiences, I was determined to pay my own bill—and sometimes even insisted on paying extra for them. When going out with boys much younger than me, I would occasionally pay for their meals as well, and when mentioned it to others, I would say “Yesterday I took my nephew for an outing.”

When someone occasionally offered to pay the bill, I would blink at them with a puzzled look, finding it really hard to believe. Because of my unpleasant experiences back in China, I would sometimes even suspect they had some hidden agenda.

When I heard someone say they wanted to pay the bill (“What kind of twisted game is this?”):

后来自己也小心翼翼地问过认识的瑞典同学，收到的回复和反应也是不同的。

有说：你已经不在原来的环境里啦，至少也让我们付一次饭钱嘛~

也有说：只让男人付钱的作风是很老派的，现在要么各付各的要么轮流买单。

我：啊那我放心咯，我是个现代女性罢了嘛~

Later on, I carefully brought it up with some Swedish classmates, and their responses varied.

Some said: “You're not in that old environment anymore—at least let us pay for a meal sometime~”

Others said: “Expecting only men to pay is pretty old-fashioned. These days it’s either split the bill or take turns.”

Me: “Ah, good, that’s a relief then. I’m just a modern woman, after all~”

在国内的时候和同龄人交流的时候不经意夹杂英文会被指责装样子，而说法语的时候却没有任何收到过负面评价，甚至愿意请教我法语相关的问题，还拿我会说法语这一点和别人去炫耀说他们有会讲法语的朋友，有些人后来自己也开始去学法语。自己总结这一现象产生的原因也是东亚社会凡事爱攀比内卷的文化特色，比如考上了好学校第一反应不是有机会结识更多优秀的人为社会做贡献了，而是终于可以在认识的人面前扬眉吐气。因为认识的人中大家多少都会讲一点英语，所以很容易产生优劣对比，嫉妒心和不平常心作祟从而对我产生不满的情绪；而不是所有人都会讲法语的，大部分人完全听不懂所以没有比较的基础在，在他们眼里反而是加分项。结果有的人英文没有学多好，自己家乡的方言也不会讲几句，甚至还觉得土气都不愿意学，但在给别人当英文口音和语法警察这一点上却丝毫也不肯懈怠，自己也深受其害，才学法语时因为对口音非常在意，所以总是不情愿开口讲，和初到美国时一样，后来是戏剧选修课的老师课后一个词一个词地带着我念剧本，纠正亚洲人不擅长带“L” 和“R”的卷舌音的单词，才慢慢被纠正过来，后来学法语时也找了大量的法语影片来看，自己也一个字一个字地大声念阅读材料，直到自己觉得听不出什么口音后才敢开口讲法语，结果后来学瑞典语时又遇到了因为口音问题而羞于开口讲的问题，还发现后来无论学什么欧洲语言都会带点法语口音。可能是在美国待久了，来瑞典念书后听欧洲同学带些口音的英语总觉得是很可爱的，和一些瑞典的朋友熟了之后，听他们讲带瑞典语口音发音“g”“j”“sk”的英文的时候还会：啊你刚刚说那个词的发音方式好可爱! 可以再讲一遍嘛(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)?

When I was in China, casually mixing in English while speaking with peers would often get me accused of showing off. But strangely, I never received any negative feedback when speaking French—in fact, people were curious and would often ask me questions about the language. Some even started learning French themselves, proudly telling others that they had a friend who can speak it.

I eventually came to understand that this difference likely stemmed from the East Asian cultural tendency toward competition and comparison. For example, getting into a good school wasn’t seen as a chance to meet more brilliant minds and contribute to society—it was seen as finally having a reason to feel superior to others.

Since many people around me had at least some knowledge of English, it was easy for them to compare, judge, and feel envious. But with French, most people didn’t speak it or even understand it at all, so there was no direct basis for comparison. Instead, it became a bonus in their eyes—something admirable rather than threatening.

Ironically, some of these people didn’t even speak their own regional dialects—sometimes looking down on them as “uncool” or “backwards”—but they were quick to become grammar and accent police when it came to English. I suffered a lot from that kind of attitude.

When I first started learning French, I was incredibly self-conscious about my accent and reluctant to speak, just like when I first arrived in the U.S. It wasn’t until a kind professor from a drama elective class took the time after class to read lines with me—correcting every word and patiently helping me with the tricky “L” and “R” sounds for Asian English speakers—that I started to feel more confident.

Later, while learning French, I watched tons of French films and read texts aloud to myself word by word, over and over, until I felt like my pronunciation was good enough to speak without self-embarrassment.

But then when I started learning Swedish, that anxiety over my accent came rushing back. In addition to that, I even realized that no matter which European language I learned, I always seemed to speak it with a hint of a French accent!

Maybe it’s because I lived in the U.S. for so long, but after coming to Sweden and hearing my European classmates speak English with accents, I actually found it super endearing. Once I got close to some Swedish friends, I even started saying things like:

"Ahh, the way you just pronounced that word with your Swedish ‘g,’ ‘j,’ or ‘sk’ sound was so cute! Can you say it again for me, please? (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)?"

亚洲英文的口音个人觉得日语腔的英文是最有特色最可爱的，可能是自己本身是中国人，听得太多了实在无感，后来又受美国口音同化，反而觉得饱受一些人诟病的日式英语最有趣。

口音什么的其实并不是重点，重要的是用最简练的单词讲最有趣的故事：https://youtu.be/2wcI10CNuxU?si=a4d7AncaO6lwnOVB

Personally, I find Japanese-accented English the most distinctive and charming among Asian accents. Maybe it's because being a Chinese myself and have heard Chinese-accented English so often that I’ve grown numb to it. After spending time in the U.S. and picking up an American accent, I actually started to find the kind of Japanese English that some people criticize to be the most interesting and endearing.

At the end of the day, accents really aren't the point. What truly matters is being able to tell the most interesting stories using the simplest words: https://youtu.be/2wcI10CNuxU?si=a4d7AncaO6lwnOVB

高中的时候被老师分到和反感的人一组做实验，会仗着自己理科成绩好，在和老师确认好就算不做这个实验期末总成绩也能拿A后当即拎起书包在同学们或讶异或佩服的眼光里径直从教室走出去，还在老师追出来劝我说：“你不能这样你要学会和所有人合作”的时候说：要真是这样这个世界上就不会发生战争了，坚决不让步。到了大学里也是经常被教授或者助教在课上随机分配组员，除了几次偶然和西班牙的交换生们以及工程学院的女同学们分到一组写课题报告，很少有合作得愉快的经历，很多时候是需要作为女生的自己拿出男子气概承担大部分工作，再结合之前和一些无能男生不愉快的相处经历，后来每次和朋友聊到都要气得说：I am the alpha male in EVERY relationship！（我是每一段关系里的阿尔法男！）。还买来了罗伊‧利希滕斯坦的那副《溺水的女孩》的复制品摆在上海公寓的客厅里，以表讽刺在父权社会里遇到的所有无能男性以及自己当时拒绝向男性求助的决心。到了瑞典念书后，课上的教授却给了学生极大的组队自由，一开始自己因为过往经历，以为又会和在美国上学时一样，自己负责完成大部分内容，一开始和欧洲同学一起做小组课题的时候态度也十分消极，认定又是会自己做完大部分工作，不仅迟到了几分钟，买点心和饮料也只买了一人份。结果会上同一组的德国同学在组会刚开始：大家好，我把报告和PPT都做好了，下面我们分一下工彩排一下汇报就行。

我：（这个男人还让不让我来做了？）

Back in high school, I was once assigned to do a lab project with someone I really couldn’t stand. Banking on my strong science grades, I confirmed with the teacher that I’d still get an A for the semester even if I didn’t participate in this specific experiment—so I grabbed my bag and walked straight out of the classroom under the stunned or admiring gazes of my classmates. When the teacher chased after me and tried to persuade me, saying, “You can’t be like this—you need to learn to work with everyone,” I shot back, “If that were really true, there wouldn’t be wars in this world,” and stood my ground without compromise.

Later in college, I often got randomly assigned to group projects by professors or TAs. Except for a few pleasant experiences working with Spanish exchange students and female classmates from engineering school on research papers, most of those collaborations were frustrating. I often had to take on the majority of the work, literally to “man-up” just to get things done. After several extremely unpleasant working experiences with incompetent male teammates, I’d complain to friends, half-joking but half-serious:
“I am the alpha male in EVERY relationship!”

罗伊‧利希滕斯坦的《溺水的女孩》/*Drowning Girl* by Roy Lichtenstein

At one point, I even bought a reproduction of Roy Lichtenstein’s Drowning Girl and put it up in the living room of my Shanghai apartment—as a satire of every useless dude I’d encountered in patriarchal society, and as a reminder of my resolve not to rely on them.

But things changed when I started studying in Sweden. Professors there gave us total freedom to choose our own project groups. Based on my past experience, I was bracing for the worst again—assuming I’d end up doing all the work. So I approached the first group meeting with a pretty negative attitude. I even showed up a few minutes late and only brought fika for myself.

Then, just as the meeting began, a German guy in our group said:
“Hey everyone, I’ve already done the report and made the slides. Let’s just divide up the parts and run through the presentation.”

Me: ("Wait—I don’t have to man up and take the lead this time??")

彩排结束德国同学也是语气兴奋地：啊因为这个报告几天没睡好，我终于可以回去休息了！

觉得自己在小组课题初期表现的消极态度有些过分，后来便请这位德国同学来自己的生日聚会吃饭，几次相处下来发现对方对朋友也是非常忠诚的，很符合心目中德国人的这一正面印象，吃完饭临走时也是语气诚恳地对我说：你做的瑞典肉丸是我吃过最好吃的耶！

At the end of the meeting, the German classmate said excitedly,
"Ah, I haven’t slept properly for days because of this report—now I can finally go home and rest!"

I started to feel a bit guilty about my passive attitude earlier in the project. So later, I invited him to my birthday dinner party. After hanging out a few more times for the class project, I also found that he was genuinely loyal to his friends—just like the positive impression I’d always had of Germans.

As he was leaving after my birthday dinner, he said sincerely,
"Those Swedish meatballs you made were the best I’ve ever had!"

大学的时候因为自己看上了一双靴子想买，又因为不是学习和生活相关的费用也不好意思再跟爸妈伸手要钱，便找同学打听一下被介绍到学校附近的亚洲餐馆打工做收银兼服务生准备攒钱买下那双靴子，每天晚上下班回家的路上还要边走边在手机上赶论文的死线。结果一次和父亲打电话聊天的时候提到这件事，他却十分生气：我的女儿怎么可以去餐厅打工！？你要什么靴子我给你买！

我：我在餐厅打工靠自己挣的钱干干净净堂堂正正，你二十几岁刚从部队出来也不是去超市干收银？中国不是共产主义国家？你是什么国王吗？

父亲：就是因为我吃过这种苦头所以不想再让你经历这些。

我：二十几岁的年轻人没有几个是不用吃苦的。

还是被勒令不准再去，后来每次临到打工时间就打电话来制止，还把买靴子的钱直接打给了我。

我：...................................

Back in college, I had my eye on a pair of boots I really wanted to buy. But since it wasn’t something essential for school or living expenses, I didn’t feel comfortable asking my parents for money. So I asked around and got a part-time job as a cashier and server at an Asian restaurant near campus, planning to save up for them myself. Every night after work, I’d walk home while typing away on my phone to meet essay deadlines.

One day, I casually mentioned it to my dad during a phone call. He got furious:
"How can MY daughter work at a restaurant!? If you want boots, I’ll buy them for you!"

Me:
"I’m earning clean, honest money from a restaurant job with my own effort. Didn’t you work as a cashier in a supermarket when you first left the army in your twenties? Isn’t China a communist country? What are you, some kind of king?"

Dad:
"Exactly because I’ve gone through that kind of hardship—I don’t want you to go through it too."

Me:
"There aren’t many people in their twenties who don’t have to go through some kind of hardship."

But he still forbade me from continuing the job. Every time I was about to head in for a shift, he’d call and stop me, and in the end, just transferred the money for the boots to my account.

Me:
.............................

但后来因为职业规划问题以及一直不愿意找对象而又和父亲产生难以调和的分歧，他直接威胁我要停了我的信用卡断了我的经济来源，我也一气之下从要念到博士才在业界有话语权的化学系转到了本科毕业就能找到工作且经济独立的工程系来回应他的威胁。

转进工程学院后不久很长一段时间都不能适应，又因为要在短时间内学习其他同学一两年前就结束的课程，压力非常大，有几门课的成绩也不是很理想，当时被逼到每天都感觉在精神崩溃的边缘。当时一位麻省理工毕业的女教授是负责帮我选课的指导员，平时系里办活动看到我也会笑着冲我打招呼，大概是看出了我课业上的不顺，一次找她选课的时候安慰我说你这么聪明只要努力上心一点专业课不是大问题的，和她讲说无论自己怎么努力就是学不好编程及软件相关的课程，教授也是安慰我说：我的儿子在大学里念书的时候选修课选了女性研究，两节课上下来发现自己作业完全不会写，和我抱怨说课上的内容也很难听懂，作为一个中产家庭出生的白男你让他去理解一些底层女性所遭受不公正对待以及她们的恶劣处境是很困难的，后来也是选择了退课，而且不是每个人都能做到对每门选课的内容都擅长，不是吗？

还和我分享说无论职业高低与否，社会上的每一个人都值得被平等对待。也是在她身上学到了真正的共情和包容不仅仅是单方面向下的，向下兼容很容易（但根据个人经历而言时间久了也非常痛苦），有能力去理解比自己级别高能力强的人所遇到的不顺，并能做到和他们和平相处才是真正的包容。

对于美国中产白男而言，女性研究课程是他们的技能盲点，还会被别人理解，包容他们没有能力与底层女性共情的个人困境。对我而言则是编程课，但由于是模范少数群体的一员，还是个女性，自不会有人来共情理解我还让我不用上编程课的。自我定位明明是Sonic Youth(音速青年）The Whitey Album那张封面，却因为工程学院不注重个人卫生的男生们和编程课而每天把脸皱成Evol那张封面去上课。

Later on, my father and I had irreconcilable conflicts—mainly over my career plans and my continued refusal to find a romantic partner. He ended up threatening to cut off my financial support by canceling my credit card. In response, out of anger and defiance, I switched out of the chemistry department—which would have required a PhD to gain a voice in the industry—into the engineering school, where I could find a job and achieve financial independence with just a bachelor's degree.

How Asian pursue our dreams: https://youtu.be/QgQKLfc2Msc?si=VBrjYH3s_WwxzerS

After transferring into engineering, I struggled for a long time to adjust. I had to cram material other students had covered a year or two earlier, and the pressure was overwhelming. A few of my grades weren’t great, and I constantly felt like I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown.

There was a female professor—an MIT alum—who served as my academic advisor. She’d always smile and wave at me when she saw me at departmental events. She must have noticed that I was having a tough time, because one day during a course planning session, she tried to reassure me:
“You’re so smart—if you stay focused, the major courses won’t be a problem.”

I told her how hard I’d been working, but that no matter what I did, I just couldn’t seem to get the hang of programming or anything software-related. She smiled and shared a story:

“My son took a female study elective in college. After just two sessions, he came to me completely lost—he had no idea how to write the assignments and said he couldn’t even understand what was being discussed in class. As a white male from a middle-class background, it was really hard for him to wrap his head around the kind of systemic injustices and harsh realities many marginalized women face. He ended up dropping the course. And you know—none of us are great at every single subject we take. Isn’t that true?”

She also shared something that stuck with me: regardless of someone’s job or position in society, every person deserves to be treated with respect. And I learned from her that true empathy and inclusion aren’t just about extending grace downward. It’s easy to be “downward compatible”—to show compassion to those who seem below you. (Though in my personal experience, even that becomes exhausting over time.) But real inclusion means having the emotional capacity to understand and coexist peacefully with those who are more skilled or higher-ranking than you as well.

For a middle-class white guy in America, women’s studies is often a blind spot—and he’ll be met with understanding and leniency if he can’t empathize with marginalized women. For me, that blind spot was programming. But because I was a woman and part of a so-called model minority group, no one extended that same grace or understanding to me. No one said, “You don’t have to take programming if it’s too hard.”

In my own mind, I saw myself as the cover of Sonic Youth’s The Whitey Album—bold, experimental, sharp. But engineering school—with its hygiene-indifferent guys and relentless coding courses—had me showing up every day looking like I was stuck on the EVOL cover instead: frowning, frazzled, barely holding it together.

来瑞典念书因为所处专业的课程设置涉及到管理的内容多些，平时要求写作的内容偏多，而自己平日里最反感命题写作，为了再接触数学相关的内容而选的一门逻辑优化课的教授在开学时就对本专业的学生说：你们项目没什么编程相关的课所以建议你们和课上其他系的学生组队做课题。也是听从了教授的建议，但看了看课上认识且会编程的同学平时在学校里都是一副吊儿郎当的样子，课上认识的女生也和别人组好了队，便打算走出舒适区凭自己的判断去随机认识新的同学一起做课题。

When I came to Sweden for my studies, the curriculum in my program focused more on management-related topics, which meant there was a heavy emphasis on writing assignments—something I’ve always disliked, especially when it comes to structured or prompted writing. To get back in touch with something more mathematical, I enrolled in a course on logic optimization.

At the beginning of the semester, the professor—aware that our program didn’t include much programming—told us outright:
“Since your program doesn’t involve much coding, I recommend teaming up with students from other program with coding background for the group project.”

I took the professor’s advice seriously. But when I looked around at the classmates I already knew who could code, most of them didn’t exactly seem dependable—more like laid-back and careless in how they carried themselves at school. The girls I knew had already formed groups with others.

So I decided to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance—reaching out to unfamiliar students and forming a group based on my own judgment rather than relying on people I already knew.

一直挺相信自己的直觉的，这一次也不例外。看到课上一位瑞典...啊不好意思法国男生（每次都迟到在我心目中已经失去作为准时瑞典人的身份了）虽然时常常迟到，但上课时经常坐在前排，课上也经常举手提问，一副东亚人心目中教科书式标准的认真好学生模样，所在的项目也有编程相关的课程，于是便要了联系方式问对方能不能一起做课题。结果突然意识到自己可能因为文化差异而对对方产生了认知偏差，坐在前排可能是因为对方经常迟到而瑞典同学们喜欢扎堆坐的中后排没了空位，举手提问是可能因为他没听懂而不是符合东亚国家学校里好学生上课经常举手回答问题的刻板印象，回想起在美国做小组作业的种种不顺，被吓到在学生公寓尖叫：“我的天哪千万别是个蠢货好吗？！” 然而这个时候消息以及发出去已经三天了，再撤回似乎有些不礼貌，期间也有同一个项目的同学发来消息问能不能一起做课题，觉得对方可能缺乏编程相关的知识便被我礼貌回绝。等到第六天的时候对方才回复消息说可以组队做课题，自己再看教授布置的作业时候突然发现要用到自己尝试多次都没学会的Python软件，转换带入了一下被自己揪着衣领怒吼“你™个废物”角色的恐惧，再次在学生公寓被吓到尖叫：“我的天哪我这次可不能是个蠢货！”然后小跑出门给对方买点心和咖啡，想着怎么样自己也要给课题贡献点什么。课题做下来还挺顺利，对方真的也像我当初以为的一样聪明又认真，其中有一次因为一个概念自己没接触过发问的时候对方起身还以为是被自己蠢到要夺门而出，结果他拿了支马克笔就在白板上画图耐心讲解起来了。

I've always trusted my instincts, and this time was no exception. I noticed a Swedish—oh wait, my bad—a French guy in class (he's lost his birth right to be considered a punctual Swede in my eyes because he's always late). Even though he often arrived late, he usually sat in the front row and frequently raised his hand to ask questions during lectures—basically the textbook image of a diligent student by East Asian standards. I figured he comes from a program with programming-related courses, so I got his contact info and asked if he wanted to team up for the project.

But then it hit me—I might’ve completely misread him due to cultural differences. Sitting in the front row? Maybe because the middle and back rows—where Swedish students love to gather—were already full by the time he got there. Raising his hand to ask questions? Maybe because he didn’t understand something, not because he was that “model student” I had imagined from school back in China. Suddenly I was hit with a flashback of all those chaotic unpleasant group projects in the U.S., and I screamed in my student apartment:
“Oh my god please don’t be stupid!”

But at that point, the message had already been sent out for three days—it felt rude to unsend it. Meanwhile, someone else from my own program messaged me asking to team up, but I turned them down politely because I assumed they didn’t have much programming background.

Finally, on day six, the French guy replied saying he’d be happy to work together. I revisited the assignment instructions and realized we’d need to use Python—something I’d tried to learn multiple times but never got the hang of. Imagining myself now as the one getting yelled at, being shaken by the collar and screamed at—“You incompetent piece of sh*t”—I freaked out again in my apartment and screamed:
“Oh my god I cannot be the stupid one this time!”

So I dashed out to buy him some pastries and coffee, determined to at least contribute something to the project.

Turned out, everything went pretty smoothly. He really was just as smart and serious as I’d originally expected. One time, I asked about a concept I wasn’t familiar with and saw him get up—I thought for a second I had said something so dumb he was walking out. But nope—he grabbed a marker and started drawing diagrams on the whiteboard to patiently explain it to me.

Me:

反倒是一直在做课题间隙找话题寒暄试图维持轻松愉快工作学习氛围的我自觉有些爱讲废话。准备瑞典语考试的那几天没睡好，一个语法问题自己翻来覆去一直没搞懂，便去请教他，因为自己缺乏睡眠导致理解能力变差，同样的问题对方也是极有耐心地给我讲了10遍左右直到我理解为止。也是觉得给对方添了麻烦请他来自己的晚餐聚会吃饭，本是向对方表示答谢邀请他来的聚会，他却修养非常好地带了瓶酒给我当礼物，帮忙切来配北京烤鸭的黄瓜和大葱也是在我做了简单示范之后就切得很工整，奶酪的示范图片也没派上用场。

It ended up being me—the one constantly trying to make small talk during our project sessions to keep the mood light and pleasant—who started feeling like I talked too much and mostly said useless things.

While I was preparing for my Swedish exam, I hadn’t been sleeping well for a few days. There was this one grammar issue I kept going over and over and just couldn’t figure it out. So I asked him for help. Because of the sleep deprivation, my comprehension skill was pretty terrible, but he still patiently explained the same thing to me about ten times until I finally got it.

Feeling like I had troubled him too much, I invited him over to my dinner party to thank him. It was meant to be a gesture of appreciation, but instead, he very thoughtfully brought a bottle of wine as a gift. When it came time to prepare the cucumber and scallions to go with the Peking duck, he managed to slice everything neatly after just a quick demo from me—and Nello’s reference images I had prepared weren’t even needed.

在美国的时候就观察到美国人之间的一些互动因为文化环境原因一些特殊的情境下都有一套标准的互动对话流程，比如认识的人升职加薪要说恭喜，身边的人生病了要说早日康复，有异性在你视线内拨弄头发就是对你有意思在引起你的注意。我在晚餐聚会上因为备菜做饭导致的压力而喝得有些醉接着酒劲，半开玩笑试探性地想往这个名誉法国男生头上戴自己在巴黎过生日时戴的皇冠时，被对方礼貌地一口回绝，我笑着继续发问：怎么你是有脆弱的男子气概吗？

按照自己先前的经历设想的对话流程大概会是下面这个走向：

对方：我没有！

我：你就是有！还是有毒的那种！

对方：你才有毒！

我：你以后别想在我的饭桌上再出现！

对方：我还不想来呢！

When I was in the U.S., I noticed that certain interactions between Americans often followed a kind of standard conversational script shaped by the cultural context. For example, when someone you know gets a promotion or a raise, you're expected to say ¨congratulations¨. If someone around you is sick, you say “get well soon.” If someone of the opposite sex is playing with their hair within your eyesight, it’s probably a sign they’re interested and trying to get your attention.

At my dinner party, I was a bit tipsy from the stress of prepping and cooking. Riding the buzz from the wine, I half-jokingly tried to place a birthday crown—one I wore in Paris on my Chinese calendar birthday—on this so-called French guy’s head. He politely but firmly declined. I laughed and teased him, “What, do you have fragile masculinity or something?”

Based on my previous experiences, I imagined the conversation would play out like this:

Him: I do not!
Me: Yes, you do! And it’s the toxic kind!
Him: You’re the toxic one!
Me: You’re never welcome at my dinner table again!
Him: I didn’t want to come anyway!

结果现实中却是对方相当冷静地直接承认：对我是有。

我：（不是大哥怎么不按剧本走呢？）

还在饭桌上一脸不高兴地和大家分享说自己182cm的身高在瑞典不算高。

我：（大哥你认真的？）

到这个地步真的是怀疑对方是谁派来刺激我角膜炎再次发作的，眼睛真的是眨累了。

But in reality, he calmly and directly admitted, “Yeah, I do.”

Me: (Wait... bro, why are you not following the script??)

And then, at the dinner table, he even complained—dead serious—that his 182 cm height isn’t considered tall in Sweden.

Me: (Bro are you for real right now???)

At that point, I genuinely started to suspect he had been sent by someone just to irritate my eyes back into conjunctivitis—because I was blinking out of shock way too much.

因为很欣赏对方的工作学习能力，有时候在这位法国男生向我提出一些政治敏感的问题的时候也愿意耐心做出解答，有一次做课题给对方带fika的时候被评价“你人不错诶”的时候差点笑出声，心里在想：“有机会让你见识一下我平时对中国美国男的有多刻薄。”比如之前在美国遇到有人问我在台湾的看法时我会自动默认对方看我东亚人的长相是来故意跟我挑事的，会直接在手机上调出一张世界地图说你能指出台湾在哪儿我就回答你的问题，多半是以对方指不出来我翻个白眼为结尾。

Because I genuinely appreciated his work ethic and the way he approached the group project, I was often willing to patiently answer even the politically sensitive questions he asked me from time to time.

One time, I brought him fika while we were working on our project, and he said, “You’re too nice,” which almost made me laugh out loud. In my head, I was thinking: “If only you knew how ruthless I can be with Chinese and American dudes.”

For example, back in the U.S., whenever someone asked for my opinion on Taiwan, I would automatically assume they were trying to provoke me just because I looked East Asian. I’d immediately pull up a world map on my phone and say, “If you can point out where Taiwan is, I’ll answer your question.”
Most of the time, they couldn’t. I’d roll my eyes and walk away.

平时是很排斥和同龄人谈论政治方面的话题的，有一些疑问也只会去找学校里中年同学和教授提，因为觉得年轻人有时候想法不够成熟，又因为阅历不深看问题不够全面，态度比较激进，也容易成为资本操控时局用完即弃的棋子。而中年人因为已经过了大半辈子，生活经历充分，看问题的角度也比较全面深刻，只是交谈时难免感受到有一种“认命”的妥协感，没有年轻人愣头青的朝气。而年轻人又因为社会经验不足，缺少人脉和大众认可度，所以就连自己眼中的政坛老狐狸法国人也很难捧出年轻的政坛新星，有也是昙花一现，因为根基不稳被人找出什么致命污点迅速如划过天际的流星一般陨落了。不过有时候看到一些共产主义笑话也只能和来自前苏联国家的一些同学做到交换眼神后相视一笑。

I usually avoid discussing political topics with people my own age. When I do have questions, I tend to bring them to older classmates or professors. I feel that young people often lack maturity and life experience, which can lead to a more extreme or one-sided perspective. They're also more likely to become pawns—used and discarded—by those in power when political agendas shift.

Middle-aged people, on the other hand, have lived through more of life. Their experiences give them a broader and deeper understanding of things. But in conversations, there’s often a certain air of resignation—like they’ve made peace with how things are. That youthful fire and naïve idealism are usually gone.

At the same time, young people typically don’t have enough experience, networks, or public recognition. That’s why even in a country like France, where political maneuvering is practically an art form, it’s hard to elevate a young political figure and keep them there. Even if someone promising does emerge, they often burn out quickly—exposed by some fatal flaw and vanishing like a shooting star.

But sometimes, when I come across certain communist jokes, all I can do is exchange a knowing glance and share a silent smile with classmates from former Soviet countries.

在苹果入职后发现明明是作为硬件测试工程师被招进去的自己却被要求学习python，于是每天早上又把自己的脸皱成Sonic Youth的那张Evol封面去赶公司的班车。决定接受苹果公司的工作邀约之前也去过一家法国眼镜公司面试，整个面试的过程也是轻松愉快的，但觉得很少会有人会拒绝苹果的工作机会，自己也不例外，所以便礼貌地回绝了对方。但知道自己在苹果工作是不会开心的，“Lettie”这个意味着开心快乐的的英文名也是不配苹果这个让我从第一天上班就倍感不适的工作环境用的，于是就把自己的英文名改成了Rexi，取自霸王龙T-rex，以显得自己不好对付。

After joining Apple, I quickly realized that although I was hired as a hardware testing engineer, I was being asked to learn Python. So every morning, I'd scrunch up my face like the Evol album cover from Sonic Youth again as I rushed to catch the company shuttle.

Before accepting the offer from Apple, I actually interviewed with a French eyewear company. The whole process was relaxed and pleasant. But let’s be honest—very few people could turn down a job at Apple, and I wasn’t one of them. So I politely declined the French company’s offer.

Still, deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be happy working at Apple. My English name at the time was “Lettie,” which means cheerful and joyful—but that name didn’t feel right in a workplace that made me feel uncomfortable since day one. So I changed my name to “Rexi,” inspired by the T-rex, to send a message that I wasn’t someone to mess with.

后来进了苹果公司也是能感受到自己的一举一动都是被监视的，毕竟公司天花板上密密麻麻地装了监控摄像头，自己也出于一种嘲讽的目的把登在公司分配的苹果电脑和手机上的账号名称改成了“modern slavery”（现代奴隶制），还把苹果账号的头像换成了汤婆婆，就是因为不想听身边男同事废话而想要拥有她食指一挥就能让人闭嘴的能力。还经常在周末去索尼在上海的直营店消磨时间，开玩笑说是：苹果是工作，索尼是生活。只是没想到自己在公司外下班和周末的时间也受上海街头遍布的摄像头监控着。一次周末我又照常骑车出门散心，骑到浦东支付宝大楼下的十字路口等红绿灯时，前面坐在她家长后座的一个小女孩看到了我车筐里的梧桐叶，盯着我看的同时还伸手朝我的方向抓了抓，我看懂她的意思，身子前倾把梧桐叶递到了她手里。结果周一上午到公司没多久，同部门长相猥琐的同事就面带不怀好意的笑容坐到我旁边把我周末的上述经历在我面前描述了一遍，还重复说“你可真是个小天使诶。”觉得恶心便没接对方的话，现在想来十字路口是肯定装了监控的。只是第二天在自己头上别了Prada的发卡去上班，来回应面容猥琐的对方说我是天使的评价。

After joining Apple, I could clearly feel that every move I made was under surveillance. The ceilings were packed with surveillance cameras, and in a small act of rebellion, I changed the username on my Apple-issued Mac and iPhone to “modern slavery.” I even set my Apple ID avatar to Yubaba from Spirited Away, because I wished I had her power to silence annoying male colleagues with just a flick of her finger.

On weekends, I’d often escape to the Sony flagship store in Shanghai to pass the time as a personal joke: Apple is work, Sony is life. But even outside of work hours, I was still under surveillance by the city’s ever-present network of street cameras.

One weekend, I went for an usual bike ride to clear my head. While waiting at a traffic light near the Alipay building in Pudong, a little girl sitting on the back of her parent’s bike noticed the sycamore leaves in my front basket. She kept staring and reached out toward them. I understood what she meant and leaned forward to hand it to her.

To my disgust, the next Monday morning, a creepy-looking colleague from my department came over, grinning in that sleazy way, and described the entire interaction to me in detail—then repeated, “You are such a little angel, huh?” I didn’t respond. Looking back, the intersection definitely had surveillance cameras.

The next day, I came to work wearing Prada hair clips—my way of responding to him calling me an angel.

因为我是《穿普拉达的女魔头》。/ Cause I am *The* ***Devil*** *Wears Prada.*

这还不是个例，因为自己不擅长记名字，只记得上海南京路上自己常去买鲜肉月饼吃的一家店开在乐高旗舰店对面，于是后来每次下班或者周末去的时候都会在地图上定位乐高店后再直接跑去街对面买点心吃。结果一次周末去买完后周一上班午休的时候被已婚有娃的男经理假装关切地直接盘问：“平时喜欢玩乐高啊？” 根本没有任何铺垫性质问题如：“周末去哪儿了？”也是看了看他没给回复，后来在知道被他们监视的社交软件上发“鲜肉月饼真好吃~”来阴阳怪气。

This wasn’t an isolated incident. I’m terrible at remembering names, but I always remembered a shop on Shanghai’s Nanjing Road where I’d buy fresh meat mooncakes—it was right across from the LEGO flagship store. So, every time after work or on weekends, I’d just locate the LEGO store on my map and then cross the street to grab some snacks.

One weekend after buying mooncakes, the following Monday during lunch break, a married male manager with kids casually but pointedly asked me, “You like playing with LEGO huh?” There was no small talk or lead-up questions, like “Where did you go this weekend?” He just came straight out with it.

I ignored the question and later posted on the social app I knew was monitored by them, “Fresh meat mooncakes are so delicious~” — as a little sarcastic jab.

来瑞典前在一家芬兰公司的上海分部实习时也不例外。因为自己喜欢喝奶茶，又因为奶茶热量过高不敢下午经常喝，反而是觉得很适合当早饭，而早上出门上班时奶茶店大多数还没开门，所以一日下午在公司做完工作休息时点了两杯打算留着另一杯当第二天的早饭。结果自己在外卖软件下单后旁边工位的男实习生就变得肉眼可见地兴奋起来，肢体语言也变得躁动，自己因为之前在苹果的工作经历大概猜到是什么原因，便没去理会。因为才进公司实习时和对方作过简短的交谈，也是迅速发现对方和自己的三观不同便没打算和对方再有什么工作外的往来，对方平时给我递的糖果也是客气了两句没有接。奶茶送到自己开了一杯来喝就把另一杯放公司的冰箱里准备带回家当第二天的早饭了，结果坐在身后的女同事多管闲事地走过来语气轻浮地问：你点的另外一杯奶茶是不是给旁边这位男实习生的呀~ 我*语气平淡地*：那是我第二天的早饭，旁边的男实习生也瞬间变得垂头丧气，我觉得无语，便问：“你不是有女朋友嘛？你女朋友平时都不点东西给你吃哦？”还憋回那句快说出口的“工作能力这么差的人凭什么妄想我买东西送你吃。”

Before coming to Sweden, when I interned at the Shanghai branch of a Finnish company, a similar thing happened. I like milk tea, but since it’s high in calories, I usually avoid drinking it in the afternoon and prefer it for breakfast instead. However, most milk tea shops aren’t open early in the morning, so one afternoon after work, I ordered two cups through a delivery app—planning to drink one right away and keep the other for breakfast the next day.

As soon as I placed the order, the male intern sitting next to me visibly got excited and restless. Based on my previous experience at Apple, I had a rough idea why, so I decide to just ignored him. When I first started at the company, we had a brief chat, but I quickly realized his and my values didn’t match, so I decided not to socialize much with him beyond work. He offers me candy once, but I politely declined.

When my order arrived, I opened one cup to drink and put the other in the company fridge to take home after work. Then, a female colleague who sat behind me came over with a flirty tone and asked, “Is that other cup for the intern next to you?”

I replied calmly, “That’s my breakfast for tomorrow.” The male intern instantly looked crestfallen. I couldn’t help but feel speechless, so I asked him, “Don’t you have a girlfriend? Why doesn’t she bring you snacks?” And I held back from saying, “Someone so incompetent at work shouldn’t even dream of me buying anything for them.”

因为自己持续不断地受到身边和网路上男女性的骚扰，被逼到绝望的时刻甚至还跟对方表示：我搞不懂你们到底看上我哪一点，指出来我立马改掉还不行吗？当时还把自己社交媒体的头像和名称换成了希腊神话中为了逃离潘神的追求而变成一支芦苇的西林克斯。绝望的时刻还想过当时自己的身边要是有个男朋友别人是不是也不会敢这么嚣张地对我，妮可基德曼也曾说之所以她当时躲过了性骚扰也是因为当时嫁给了汤姆·克鲁斯，别人看在他的影响力也不敢造次。但后来觉得这样的想法不对，是本质上依附男性的反女性主义，就去给自己报了空手道的课练来防身，还开玩笑说Not hitting on you unless you go to my dojo（不在我的道场练空手道就不可能有被我揍的机会）不过后来在国内时因为工作压力，和自己有意地增重，就把自己吃胖了，结果发现因为基因遗传的缘故，自己再怎样胡吃海塞也超不过某个体重阀值，但来自异性不必要的注意和关心也变少了，反而收到一些关于身材和外貌上的羞辱，但自己的感受却是觉得就算这样也要比被异性垂涎要强，瞬间也理解米基·洛克了当初情愿去打拳击被毁容也不愿再演戏的决定。当时的顶头部门经理也是在上海职场上最常见有毒男子主义的中年男的，在他的上司芬兰高管面前和对待我也是两幅面孔，有时候直接在我面前不加修饰地对我进行身材羞辱，我用教奶酪的那个侮辱性手势当着他的面作出回击的时候他甚至没有立即反应过来，第二天反应过来自己被我回击之后一直记恨到最后一天告别午宴上还在对我阴阳怪气。我当时看着他两幅嘴脸用英文奉承芬兰高管再切回中文企图羞辱我的分裂嘴脸也只是觉得好笑，心里也清楚他们这种职位的人也只是被外企招进来在中国的分部干脏活的，因为受教育环境和背景的不同，以及东亚社会内部森严的等级划分，他们这样的人在国内取得的学历再高也无法做到在外企完全融入。

Because I was constantly harassed by both men and women around me and online, I was driven to a point of despair where I even told them, “I don’t understand what you see in me. Point it out and I’ll change immediately, okay?” At one point, I even changed my social media profile picture and name to the Syrinx from Greek mythology—the nymph who transformed into a reed to escape Pan’s pursuit. In those desperate moments, I thought that maybe if I had a boyfriend, people wouldn’t dare to be so rude toward me. Nicole Kidman once said she escaped sexual harassment because she was married to Tom Cruise at the time, and no one dared to cross him because of his influence in the film industry.

But later, I realized that this kind of thinking was wrong—it was essentially anti-feminist because it still asks women to be depended on a man. So I signed up for karate classes to learn self-defense. I even joked, “Not hitting on you unless you come to my dojo,” Karate, anyone?

Later, while back in China, due to work pressure and intentionally gaining weight, I ended up getting chubbier. Because of genetic factors, no matter how much I ate, I couldn’t exceed a certain weight limit. As a result, I got less unwanted attention from men but received some insults about my body and appearance. Still, I felt that was better than being lust over by others. At that moment, I understood why Mickey Rourke preferred to take up boxing and get disfigured rather than continue acting.

My direct department manager at the moment was a typical toxic middle-aged macho man common in Shanghai workplaces. He had two faces: one in front of his Finnish boss, and another when dealing with me. Sometimes, he would openly insult my body shape in front of me. When I responded with the same insulting gesture I teach Nello, he didn’t realize immediately. The next day, after realizing I had fired back, he held a grudge and was passive-aggressive toward me even at the farewell lunch on my last day.

Watching his two-faced behavior—flattering the Finnish boss in English and switching back to Chinese to try to humiliate me—just made me want to laugh. I knew people just like him, no matter how high their degree, were just brought in by foreign companies to do the dirty work in China branches. Due to different education backgrounds and the rigid hierarchy in East Asian society, they could never fully integrate into foreign companies.

几次折腾下来精神状态也被搞得十分脆弱，也开始变得疑神疑鬼，走在路上总觉得被人跟踪着。再加上疫情封锁遗留下的情绪问题，整个人精神变得十分疲乏，也反感身边打着“关心”的旗号刺探我隐私的猥琐男同事，上班也经常赶不上公司的班车，迟到成了日常状态，也以一种消极态度应对着工厂里的工作内容，情愿下班后自己把工作带回家一个人慢慢研究也不愿早上早点去在人声嘈杂的办公室坐着。有一次甚至只化了一只眼睛的眼线在公司上了半天班，中午去卫生间洗手准备下楼吃饭的时候照镜子时才发现。

After all those ups and downs, my mental state became very fragile. I started getting paranoid, always feeling like someone was following me when I walked down the street. On top of that, leftover emotional issues from the pandemic lockdown left me feeling completely drained. I grew to resent the creepy male colleagues who claimed “cared” about me but were really just prying into my privacy. I often missed the company shuttle to work, making being late a daily routine. I dealt with the factory onsite work with a kind of passive attitude, preferring to take tasks home and study them alone rather than getting up early to sit in the noisy office.

One time, I even wore eyeliner on only one eye for half a day at work, only noticing it when I washed my hands in the bathroom at lunchtime and saw myself in the mirror.

MOI! MIG! ME!
工作状态好时。/ Me on a usual day at work.

在苹果上班时周末喜欢去划船的理由之一也是因为把船划到河中心后就算有任何人想要找到我也是要游上个几分钟的泳才能与我取得联系。平时也因为觉得在公司工作通勤时间久觉得和自然脱离了联系把汤姆•奥德尔的那首Magnitised中的那句“Wish I had a little mother nature in me”(“真希望我也能有些大自然的气息。”)反复听了很多遍。周末还会坐两个小时的公交车去上海郊区的农场摘草莓。

One of the reasons I liked to go rowing on weekends while working at Apple was that once I rowed out to the middle of the river, anyone wish to find me would have to at least swim for several minutes just to reach me. Usually, because of the long commute ride to work and feeling disconnected from nature while working at the company, I kept replaying the line from Tom Odell’s song Magnetised — “Wish I had a little mother nature in me” — over and over again. On weekends, I’d even take a two-hour bus ride to a farm in the outskirts of Shanghai to pick strawberries.

当时还因为才入职的时候只是问了比我先入职的男同事一个工作上的问题，就莫名其妙地被上司盯上而且半强迫地被拉郎配，在东亚有毒的工作环境下不想因此丢了工作便假装配合。可以看得出来对方从肢体语言和一些谈话内容上明显是喜欢我的，有一次把我身边的同事问遍了要不要周末去看电影但就是不来问我，很讨厌这种扭扭捏捏的做派，当时也是故意不搭理对方，平时觉得对方连走路姿势看上去都很粗俗，自己也只是在表面上装给偶尔在班的上司看，心里对对方却是嫌弃得很。对方的工作态度也和他的长相一样十分欠佳，坑坑洼洼的。一次被经理安排了两个人去实验室学习新的测试程序，结果他看了个开头就不愿往下再学，到了下班时间也是一声不吭地就走人了，晾我一个人在原地研究。平时还穿着那么一件他觉得不便宜的衣服在我面前晃悠装阔，后来还是被同部门的女工程师当着他面提醒我他家境不是很好后才畏畏缩缩地承认，当时的我也因为工作压力不想再忍下去而翻了个白眼后就和对方保持距离，还在不满时直接对他骂出声，结果他直接当着我面吐了一口痰，他自己良好的家庭背景也在这一刻得到了集中体现，后来每次吃午饭当着我面阴阳怪气的时候也是盯着他看看不说话也不理睬，偶尔翻个白眼表示对方就是配不上我。几次回合下来以对方离职收场。

When I first started at the company, I only asked a male colleague who had joined earlier a work-related question, but somehow the manage immediately started watching me closely and even semi-forced me into a pairing arrangement. In the toxic East Asian work environment, not wanting to lose my job, I pretended to go along with it. It was clear from his body language and some conversations that he liked me. One time, he asked all my other colleagues if they wanted to go to the movies on the weekend — but never asked me directly. I hated that kind of coy behavior and deliberately ignored him. Even the way he walked seems crude to me, and I only put on a show for the occasional presence of the manage; in my heart, I despised him.

His work attitude matched his rough appearance — patchy and sloppy. Once, our manager assigned two people to the lab to learn a new testing procedure, but he only looked at the beginning and refused to continue. When it was time to leave, he silently walked off, leaving me alone to figure it out. He also liked to flaunt a supposedly expensive piece of clothing in front of me, but a female engineer in our department bluntly told me his family wasn't well off, which directly push him awkwardly admit it.

Because of the work pressure, I couldn’t tolerate him anymore and rolled my eyes at him, then kept my distance. When I got annoyed, I even cursed him out loud. He responded by spitting in front of me. His supposedly “good family background” was clearly revealed in that moment. Every time he sarcastically mocked me during lunch, I just stared at him silently, sometimes rolling my eyes, showing that he didn’t deserve any of my attention. After several such exchanges, he eventually resigned.

实在承受不住压力和隐性言语骚扰的时刻，父亲也终于联系我和我语气诚恳地道歉让我回家，后来听Pulp的那首Common People的时候也自嘲说自己除了歌词中的“Smoke some fags and play some pool”以及“sleep with common people”外全都经历过了，还很不客气地评价说这就是富家女遇上阶级相差巨大又爱愤世嫉俗的货真价实的穷小子的下场，可能她只是当初觉得对方长相比较合眼缘搭了句讪聊了几句天就被对方酸到写进歌里嘲讽，看来向上兼容也只有受过高等教育极尽包容的人才能做到。

在苹果离职后便把自己能记得有注册过的社交软件全都注销删除了个干净，留下的一两个也只添加了家人，工作用的账号也在离职之后立马注销。

At moments when I truly couldn’t bear the pressure and the constant subtle verbal harassment anymore, my father finally reached out, spoke to me sincerely, and asked me to come home. Later, while listening to Pulp’s Common People, I laughed at myself, thinking: I’ve basically experienced everything in the song except for “Smoke some fags and play some pool” and “sleep with common people.”

I even joked harshly that this is exactly what happens when a rich girl crosses paths with a sharp-tongued, bitter, genuinely poor guy from a completely different social class — maybe she just thought he looked decent and struck up a light chat, and he got so resentful he wrote an entire song mocking her. Turns out that “dating down” only works when the person you’re with is highly educated and genuinely open-minded.

After I left Apple, I deleted and deactivated every single social media account I could remember registering. The one or two I kept were limited to family only. Any work-related accounts were immediately shut down by me the moment I left the job.

大学的时候一次和妹妹逛商场的时候见她喜欢就买了一只道奇兔给她当宠物，和emoji中的兔兔形象一模一样，小时候性格非常活泼，见到经常喂食给她的母亲还会兴奋地在笼子里跳来跳去，母亲摸摸她的时候也是很乖地不怎么动。觉得妹妹很喜欢她的兔子，后来一次暑假回家的时候还带了原版精装的《彼得兔》给她，晚上还要给她念上一段当睡前故事。后来因为妹妹学业繁忙，父母工作繁忙，就把兔兔送去了乡下的爷爷奶奶家，老一辈的人不是很能理解宠物存在的概念，平时爷爷也只是给兔兔喂一日三餐，不放她出来遛弯，也把笼子放在不能经常见人的地方，平时犯错还会揍她，久而久之活泼的兔兔也变得性格孤僻，脾气也变得暴躁，但凡有人把手伸进她的笼子里就会用牙狠狠地咬上一口，一只眼睛也因为父亲一次在给她冲洗笼子的时候不小心把不干净的水溅进了她的眼睛里而变得浑浊。在苹果辞了职回家休养的那段时间回家看到缩在笼子角落里的兔兔，很怀念小时候活泼可爱的兔兔的同时也觉得不能再继续这样下去，一天下午便把兔兔的笼子搬到院子里，手里拿了一颗她平时喜欢吃的黑菜伸进笼子里送到她的嘴边，兔兔习惯性地对着黑菜狠狠咬下去的时候才发现是我给她的食物，眼神似乎也变得不好意思起来。

Back in university, one time when I was at the mall with my younger sister, I saw she really liked a Dodie rabbit—exactly like the bunny emoji—so I bought one for her as a pet. When she was little, the rabbit was very lively and would excitedly hop around in the cage whenever she saw our mom bringing her food. When mom gently petted her, she stayed calm and still. Seeing how much my sister loved the rabbit, one summer holiday I even brought her an original hardcover copy of Peter Rabbit and read a passage to her as a bedtime story.

Later, because my sister was busy with school and my parents were busy with work, and I was studying in college in America, so they sent the rabbit to live with my grandparents in the countryside. The older generation didn’t really understand the idea of pets. Grandpa would just feed the rabbit three meals a day but never took her out to roam. Her cage was placed somewhere not often visited. When she misbehaved, she was even scolded or hit. Over time, the once lively rabbit became withdrawn and irritable; she would fiercely bite anyone who put their hands into her cage. One of her eyes turned foggy after dad accidentally splashed some dirty water into it while cleaning the cage.

When I quit Apple and came home to rest, I saw the rabbit curled up in a corner of her cage. I missed the lively, cute rabbit from her childhood and decided things couldn’t continue like this. One afternoon, I moved her cage outside into the backyard. Holding one of her favorite vegetables, I reached into the cage and offered it to her. At first, she bit down hard as usual, but then realized it was me bringing her food, and her eyes seemed to soften with a shy look.

后来有空就把兔兔的笼子搬到院子里，终于有一天她试探性地从笼子里走出来，却也是小心翼翼地贴着墙根走，走不了几步就类的喘气，和我当时在美国疫情期间在公寓被关得久了，深棕色的头发也因为缺乏阳光的照射变得乌黑，偶尔出门时发现眼睛也变得畏光，肢体语言也变得畏手畏脚只能贴着墙走路一样。后来还给兔兔买了很多玩具和小零食，院子里父母爷爷种的瓜果蔬菜也是随便她啃食，偶尔父亲爷爷发现自己的宝贝蔬菜被啃作势要打骂她的时候自己也是尽力拦着，还被父亲吐槽说：你对兔子比对我还好！我回：谁叫你没她可爱！有机会就要把她抱在怀里，一次偶然闻到兔兔的口气也是很清新的苹果味儿。没事就会亲亲她的额头，有一次正好被父母看到了，在某些方面洁癖比我更严重的母亲冲我气的大喊：她今天在院子里打了一上午的洞灰头土脸的脏死了！身上全是寄生虫! 我头也不回对着兔兔的脑门又亲了一口说：她是这个家里最干净的！

Whenever I had time, I’d move bunny’s cage out into the backyard. Finally, one day, she cautiously stepped out of the cage—but she stayed close to the wall, taking careful, small steps. After only a few paces, she seemed to be panting, much like how I felt during the long lockdown in my apartment in the US pandemic. My dark brown hair had turned almost black from lack of sunlight, and my eyes became sensitive to light. I moved around timidly, always sticking close to the walls—just like the bunny.

Later, I bought her lots of toys and snacks. She was free to nibble on the fruits and vegetables my parents and grandparents grew in the garden. Whenever my dad or grandpa found their precious veggies nibbled on and got ready to scold her, I’d do my best to stop them. My dad even joked, “You treat the rabbit better than me!” I replied, “Well, that’s because she’s cuter than you!” Whenever I could, I’d hold her in my arms. Once, I even noticed that her breath smelled fresh like apples slices.

I’d often kiss her on the forehead, and one time my parents happened to see. My mom, who is even more of a clean freak than I am, shouted angrily at me, “She’s been digging in the yard all morning, she’s filthy and covered in dirt and parasites!” Without turning around, I kissed bunny’s forehead again and said, “She’s the cleanest one in this house!”

后来到了夏天因为兔兔的气味太大，父亲也把她的笼子移到了院子里，自己也给兔兔买了剪子和梳子给她修剪了毛发让她夏天不会太热，还准备了冰袋给她挂在笼子上给她降温，每天中午气温最高的时候还不顾父母的反对把她放进家里，让她趴在冰凉的大理石地板上消暑。每天在家都要花很久的时间陪兔兔，还给她吃各种新鲜的蔬菜水果，晚上也为了怕她被蚊虫叮咬，会在院子里拿着电蚊拍陪她到很晚直到家人们都熄灯睡觉自己才蹑手蹑脚地上楼，边打蚊虫还一遍对怕被电击声吓到的她说：“兔兔你看，超小型烟花。”兔兔晚上见了我总是习惯性地在笼子边侧身躺下，主动让我抓抓她的后颈安抚她，有时候还会一边陪她一边用手机放柴可夫斯基的胡桃夹子系列组曲给她听，好像古典乐对动物和人都有疗愈作用，在苹果工作时被吵到心烦时也是带上耳机听歌剧和古典乐来舒缓平复心情。兔兔的心理状态也一天天肉眼可见地好起来，见到之前经常给她喂食的母亲也会兴奋地在她脚边打转，母亲上了一天班回家去院子里看她时也会兴奋地一跃而起，也很少再咬人。入秋的时候一次放兔兔回家的时候发现她可能因为着凉打了一个喷嚏，又买来了毛绒的线亲手给她织了一件小斗篷。冬天的时候怕她趴在大理石地板上着凉还给她买了两条小摊子换着给她趴着休息。兔兔的性格又重新变得开朗活泼起来，一开始回家休养时因为体能不足经常是我拎着她的后颈一提就把她抱回家去了，再到后来要跟在她后面满院子地追着跑等她体能消耗掉一点才能追上把她抱回家，还要边跑便跟在她后面威胁：你听说过西班牙海鲜饭的兔肉版吗？灰色的毛色也因为经常晒太阳变得有些发棕。我出来念书后也经常问父母拍兔兔的视频发给我看，最近得知之前看到就被她嫌弃跑得远远的父亲也愿意被他摸摸，不再回避了。

When summer came, because bunny’s smell became quite strong, my father moved her cage into the yard. I bought scissors and a comb to trim her fur so she wouldn’t be too hot during the summer. I even prepared ice packs to hang on the cage to help keep her cool. Every day around noon, when the temperature was at its highest, I would defy my parents’ objections and bring her inside to lie on the cool marble floor to beat the heat.

At home, I spent a lot of time with bunny, feeding her all kinds of fresh vegetables and fruits. At night, to protect her from mosquitoes, I would take an electric mosquito swatter outside with her and stay until late, only sneaking upstairs after everyone else had turned off their lights and went to sleep. While swatting mosquitoes, I’d say to her to calm her nerves, “Bunny, look, tiny fireworks!” She’d always lie down sideways by the cage when she saw me at night, letting me stroke the back of her neck to soothe her.

Sometimes, I’d play Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker suites on my phone while spending time with her, as classical music seems to have a healing effect on both animals and people. When I was frustrated by noise at work in Apple, I would listen to operas and classical music through headphones to calm my nerves.

Bunny’s mood visibly improved day by day. When she saw my mother, who often fed her, she would excitedly circle around her feet. After a long day at work, my mother would visit the yard to see her, and bunny would leap up happily, biting less often than before.

One autumn day, when I was letting bunny back into the house, I noticed she sneezed, likely from catching a chill. I knitted a small plush cloak for her to keep warm. In winter, worried she’d get cold lying on the marble floor, I bought her two little mats to take turns resting on.

Bunny’s personality became lively and cheerful again. When I first came home to recover, she was too weak to move much—I had to lift her by the scruff of her neck and carry her back. Later, I would chase her all over the yard, waiting for her to tire out so I could catch and carry her home, and while running after her, I kept threatening: “Have you ever heard of the rabbit version of paella?”. Her gray fur turned slightly brownish from frequent sunbathing.

每年都是兔兔的年份。/ Every year is her year cuz I’m willing to spoil her that much.

After I left to study, I often asked my parents to send me videos of bunny. Recently, I heard that even my father, who she used to avoid and run from, now lets him pet her without trying to escape.

My (Sister’s) bunny and I: https://youtu.be/juIO6qMifVg?si=z0dO3ofdaitIeApa

到了瑞典念书后过了一段时间心境变得稍微平和些，也重新注册回了一些社交媒体的账号，和以前认识想要重联的人作简单解释重新建立联系的时候得到的反应也是不同的，住家的女儿相当大度的说：这几年大家都经历了很多，我很高兴我们又重新联系上了。而自己在音乐节认识的那位女生却是说什么也不愿意再和自己继续打交道了的，表示理解，也不再作纠缠的同时感慨对方连这一点也和自己如此相像。因为自己与大多数人打交道的初期都是拿出百分百的诚意和热情与对方相处的，而在发现对方素质人品家教有难以忽视的问题或一些变故后也会毫不犹豫地断绝来往，经常导致被别人说自己对他们忽冷忽热的，或者怀念以前对他们友好的样子，还说被我断联后感觉自己心里缺了一块似的，而我因为能做到对所有人都基本上问心无愧，所以决定离开的时候也相当地干脆，绝不给对方留任何情面，自己也绝无回头的可能，当时的照片合影也是能删就删，留下有自己的照片后来再回看时也只是怀念当时性格明媚开朗的自己。现在也不再说自己是每段关系里的阿尔法男了，愿意主动向别人请求帮助的同时也很享受穿裙子打扮得漂漂亮亮地大方走在大街上，真的做到享受自己的女性身份。假小子的身份也被自己藏到了心底，也只是偶尔和同学朋友吃饭的时候聊到会给他们看自己以前短发的照片。

After studying in Sweden for a while, my mindset became somewhat calmer. I re-registered on some social media accounts and reached out to people I used to know to reconnect, offering simple explanations. Their responses varied: my host family’s daughter was quite affable, saying, “Everyone’s been through a lot these past few years. I’m really glad we got back in touch.” But the girl I met at the music festival was firm about not wanting to continue interacting, I expressed understanding and not pushing further, which made me realize how much we’re alike even in that.

When I meet most people, I usually give 100% sincerity and enthusiasm at first, but once I notice serious issues with their character, upbringing or personal values I don’t hesitate to cut ties completely. This often leads to others accusing me of being hot and cold toward them, or missing the friendlier version of me from before. Some even say they feel like a part of them is missing after I disconnect. But since I can honestly say I’ve been fair to everyone, I leave decisively with no intention of looking back. I delete photos and memories of us after I made the decision to leave, keeping only those with myself in it. When I look back at those photos, I just feel nostalgic for the bright, cheerful person I once was without their negativity.

I no longer describe myself as the “alpha male” in every relationship. I’m now comfortable asking for help when I need it, and I genuinely enjoy dressing up in dresses and walking confidently on the street, fully embracing my female identity. My tomboy side is tucked away deep inside, and I only occasionally share photos of my old short hair with close classmates or friends during casual conversations.

不过最近也因为工作社交原因每时每刻都要看手机，而且觉得一些社交软件的算法实在是有些吓人，比如主要是用来在Nation工作时用的脸书，记得在和瑞典小孩认识的前两周他的账号就出现在了我的好友推荐列表里，后来更是把一些同学的七大姑八大姨都推送给我，平时就直接把脸书的好友推荐功能当小游戏在玩了，压力大的时候就一排好友申请发过去，也不管在现实生活中是认识还是不认识对方。社交媒体使用时间过长导致又产生了避世的倾向，在自己的晚宴聚餐和朋友们提到时还说自己迟早有一天会把手机摔个粉碎再搬到深山老林里抓汉塞尔与格莱特来当午饭吃。

Lately, due to work-related socializing, I’ve been glued to my phone almost constantly. Some social media algorithms are honestly a bit creepy—take Facebook, for example, which I mainly used for work-related contacts at Nation. I remember that just two weeks before meeting the Swedish kid, his account suddenly popped up in my “People You May Know” suggestions. Later on, it even started recommending me relatives of my friends and classmates. At this point, I just treat Facebook’s friend’s suggestions like a little time-killing game. Whenever I’m stressed, I send out a whole row of friend requests without even caring whether I know the people in real life or not.

The excessive time spent on social media has made me want to retreat from the world again. At a dinner party with friends, I even joked that one day I’m going to smash my phone to bits and pieces then move deep into the forest where I’ll eat Hansel and Gretel for lunch.

在苹果工作久了也变得不爱和人相处，周末的时候会去狗咖摸摸小动物，常去的狗咖有几只自己最喜欢的萨摩耶，性格也是非常讨喜的，狗咖软件中的投票也是经常被客人投到前三名。发现狗的性格似乎也有体格大小有关，比如自己最喜欢的萨摩耶，在幼年时期爪子就很大，抱起来的时候也能感觉到骨头很重，在街上偶遇别人带出来溜的其他品种的狗最多也就是盯着看上两眼，而遇到萨摩耶总是要放下矜持主动上前去问它的主人自己能不能摸摸的，而且萨摩耶似乎也很享受别人给自己的关爱，很放松随便我抚摸的样子，一点也不焦虑，其他碰到的小体型的狗就算只是盯着看了一会儿，也会攻击性很强地汪汪大叫。在狗咖时的对比就更明显，萨摩耶几乎不会来主动向我索取注意力，因为可能来狗咖的客人都会去给它们关注，自然也不会缺乏安全感和注意力，肢体语言上也看得出来性格很自信大方，有时候和他们玩一会儿还会觉得不耐烦了自己跑去跟其他的狗或者客人互动，而过了一会儿想要我的注意力的时候又会跑到跟前来。相比之下吉娃娃的性格就显得粘人得有些可笑，每次在我抱其他狗的时候就用前爪扒在我腿上一脸渴求地看着我，有一次因为上班时间积攒的压力太大，人也变得小气，对粘人不讨自己喜欢的动物也变得有些失去耐心，把它搭在我腿上的爪子拿开的同时直接直视那只吉娃娃的双眼说：“我永远也不可能喜欢你。”可能从语气里听懂了我传达的意思，这只吉娃娃用前一周已经康复的腿假装一瘸一拐并极其缓慢地在我身边走开，还极具戏剧性地一步三回头用委屈的眼神看着我。

我：............................（抱着萨摩耶只是觉得更加厌烦了）

After working at Apple for a long time, I also became less inclined to interact with people. On weekends, I would go to dog cafés to pet animals. There were a few Samoyeds at the one I frequently visit that I especially liked—they had such charming personalities and were consistently voted among the top three favorites by guests through the café’s app. I started noticing that a dog’s temperament often seemed related to its size. For example, my favorite Samoyeds already had big paws as puppies, and you could feel how heavy their bones were when you held them. When I passed other dog breeds on the street, I’d usually just glance at them once or twice. But when I saw a Samoyed, I’d drop all restraints and walk right up to the owner to ask if I could pet them.

Samoyeds also seemed to genuinely enjoy the affection—they’d let me stroke them with total ease, completely relaxed and never anxious. Smaller dogs, on the other hand, would often start barking aggressively even if I was just looking at them. The contrast was even more obvious at the dog café. Samoyeds almost never begged for my attention, probably because everyone there fawned over them—they were confident and secure in themselves. Their body language was open and self-assured. Sometimes after playing with me for a bit, they’d even wander off on their own to hang out with other dogs or guests. But once they wanted my attention again, they’d trot right back up to me.

In contrast, Chihuahuas came off as so clingy it was almost comical. Every time I held other dogs, they’d paw at my leg with a desperate look in their eyes. Once, after a particularly stressful week at work, I was feeling short-tempered and less tolerant of needy animals I didn’t even like. So when the Chihuahua at the café put its paws on my legs again, I gently removed them, looked it straight in the eyes, and said, “I’m never going to like you.”

Maybe it understood the tone of what I’d said, because it started limping away from me—despite having fully recovered from its leg injury the week before—dragging its paw dramatically and glancing back at me every few steps with a wounded expression.

Me: ............................ (somehow feeling even more annoyed while hugging the Samoyed)

在巴黎的第二天一早也是穿了印花小裙子脖子上挂上索尼相机出门，后来和认识的葡萄牙男生聊天时对方也提起说：巴黎人走在街上穿得跟走秀似的，很时尚哦。

我：对诶，我在巴黎那几天在穿着打扮上是一点都不敢懈怠，在学校参加正式晚宴才会穿的裙子走在巴黎的街上都有些普通诶。

先是去了圣心大教堂，路上停下来在纪念品商店给同学朋友们买了明信片。在圣心大教堂的山坡顶上拾级而下，回头仰视的时候才意识到《天使爱美丽》中在教堂前的那场男女主追逐戏的场景控制和镜头运转的技巧有多娴熟，不仅把爱情中的追逐和撩拨拍得淋漓尽致，圣心大教堂和其台阶上下的精致宏伟的景色也得以展现，短短一个片段便将巴黎城区的鲜活一角和情感早期男女双方的悸动尽收眼底。

On my second morning in Paris, I headed out wearing a printed sundress with my Sony camera hanging around my neck. Later, when chatting with a Portuguese friend, he commented, “Parisians walk around like they’re on a runway—so fashionable.”
Me: “Yes! During those days in Paris, I didn’t dare slack off with my outfits at all. Dresses I’d normally save for Gasques at school actually felt kind of plain on the streets of Paris.”

I first went to the Sacré-Cœur Basilica, stopping by a souvenir shop along the way to pick up some postcards for friends and classmates. Descending the steps from the top of the hill where the basilica stands, I looked back and up—and that’s when I truly realized how masterful the camera work and scene composition were in Amélie, especially in the sequence where Nino chase Amélie in front of the basilica. The film captures the flirtation and tension of romantic pursuit beautifully, while also showcasing the grand, intricate architecture of the Sacré-Cœur and its surrounding steps. In just a brief moment, the film manages to portray both the vibrant spirit of a slice of Paris’ city view and the fluttery thrill of early-stage attraction in relationship.

走离圣心大教堂，随意拐进一个小巷子，看到一家甜品店生意似乎不错，拐进去买了一枚开心果口味的点心和一条法棍。等着商家备单自己盯着橱窗里摆放整齐琳琅满目色泽诱人的点心的时候瞬间理解了《两小无猜》中女主长大后想要做甜品店橱窗里的一颗焦糖布丁的心愿（而男主则是想要当个暴君(-_-|||)）。本是出自满足自己当个俗气游客的心愿买的法棍，在店里却发现来购买法棍的却多为当地的居民，后来手拿法棍在街上走时也丝毫不违和，反而有一种久居当地的自得感。

开心果味的，很甜哦。/ Pistachio-flavored, so sweet.

我也想变成橱窗里那块有草莓装饰的柠檬蛋糕！/ I wish I were that lemon cake in the window—topped with strawberries and full of joy.

Leaving the Sacré-Cœur Basilica, I casually turned into a small alley and saw a a bustling patisserie. I stepped inside and bought a pistachio-flavored pastry and a baguette. While waiting for my order, I found myself staring at the neatly arranged, dazzling, and beautifully colored desserts in the display window—and in that moment, I suddenly understood the wish of the female lead in Jeux d’enfants, who, claimed when she grew up, wanted to become a piece of caramel pudding in a dessert shop display window (while the male lead, on the other hand, wanted to be a tyrant… -_-|||).

本来想当俗气游客，却意外活成了地道当地人。/ Wanted to be a cliché tourist, blended in with the locals instead.🥖

The baguette I bought was originally just to satisfy my urge to be a cliché tourist, but in the shop, I noticed that most of the baguette buyers were actually locals. Later, as I walked down the street holding the baguette, it didn’t feel out of place at all—on the contrary, it gave me a quiet sense of ease, as if I had lived there for years.

在电影中爱美丽工作的咖啡厅吃了午饭，前菜点了蜗牛，入口瞬间感觉回到了国内的必胜客在和家人周末聚餐，作为主菜的鸭腿肉质也是非常鲜嫩可口的，完全没有鸭禽自带的腥气。

I had lunch at the café where Amélie worked in the movie. For the starter, I ordered escargot, and the moment I took a bite, it instantly brought me back to weekend family dinners at Pizza Hut back in China. The duck leg I had as the main course was incredibly tender and flavorful, without any of that typical gamey taste duck often has.

甜点则点了鲜奶布蕾，还模仿片中爱美丽用勺子把上面的焦糖敲碎后再吃。取景地的街区生活气息浓厚，各种商铺小店应有尽有，一应俱全，自己也是逛了又逛流连忘返，最终走到片中爱美丽的公寓楼下，发现门口并没有可以模仿女主将手指插进去的装豆子的袋子，怀疑是因为之前这样做的游客太多，店家便撤了袋子。逛完了影片取景的街区，便在导航搜了爱美丽打水漂的圣马丁河去打卡，之后步行去花神咖啡店点了一客水果配红茶喝，进店的时候因为没找到排队处，用英文问店里的服务生的时候也被对方相当不客气地用法语腔的英文回复说他英文不好让我去问别人，因为出行前被朋友提醒过，而且自己在DC时也领教过巴黎人的脾性，所以一点也不生气，反而觉得是意料之中，耸耸肩便去门外排队。

For dessert, I ordered crème brûlée and even imitated Amélie from the film by cracking the caramelized sugar on top with my spoon before eating it. The neighborhood where the scenes were shot was full of life, with all kinds of shops and stores everywhere. I wandered around so much that I lost track of time. Eventually, I found myself outside Amélie’s apartment building, but there was no bag of beans at the door to imitate the movie scene where the she sticks her fingers in — I guessed the owners had removed it because too many tourists kept doing it.

爱美丽打水漂的圣马丁河。/ The Saint-Martin Canal where Amélie skipped stones

每天都要记得吃新鲜水果哦。/ Remember to eat fresh fruit every day. 🍓🍇🍉🥝🫐🥭🍍

After exploring the filming locations, I searched for the Saint-Martin Canal where Amélie skipped stones, to take a photo. Then I walked to Café de Flore to order some fruit with black tea. When I entered, I couldn’t find where to line up, so I asked a staff member in English, but he rudely replied in heavily French accented English that his English was poor and told me to ask someone else. Having been warned by a friend before my trip and having experienced the Parisian attitude in DC, I wasn’t upset at all — it was exactly what I expected. I just shrugged and went outside to join the queue.

巴黎傍晚。/ Paris at dusk.

临近傍晚，找了一家中餐馆点了口水鸡，小笼包和生煎，吃不完的几只生煎包还打包带回了宾馆当第二天的早饭。

As evening approached, I found a Chinese restaurant and ordered mouth-watering spicy chicken, soup dumplings, and pan-fried buns. I couldn’t finish all the pan-fried buns, so I packed the rest to take back to the hotel as the next day’s breakfast.

最爱的小笼值得一张特写。/ A close-up is needed for my personal favorite soup dumplings.

在上海工作时，在公司上了一天班脑子也转不动，只能看一些不用脑的电视剧比如《绯闻女孩》来消磨下班后的晚饭时间。当时这部剧还未完结时，身边的同龄人看这部电视剧的时候也多是被剧中的混乱男女关系，夺人眼球的爱情故事，和主角们一掷千金的浮夸生活方式而吸引，自己想要讨论影视剧中的影射的各国资本关系以及当时的文化现象时，却找不到可以讨论的对象。高中的时候看因为自己一直喜欢天赋型的角色，又因为同情演员本身在现实生活中被狗仔骚扰的遭遇，当时最喜欢的角色便是Little J，觉得这个角色纯粹靠自己的天赋出来创业却被模特合伙人出于嫉妒而烧了自己所有的设计作品的经历实在是令人扼腕叹息。自己大学时也和当时的室友合作过在Etsy上开过一间卖编珠和羊毛毛线球制的手工艺品，对方除了提供一个注册地址和联系商家制作名片之外其他所有的工作都是我一个人在做，商品卖掉得来的纯利润还要分对方一半，后来实在看不下去，就让她来当我制作的毛线球的不露脸的半身模特帮我分担一些工作。结果对方在我随口夸一个网络上真实以模特为职业的模特腿长时嫉妒到恼羞成怒。学生时代说自己最喜欢的角色是Little J的时候同龄人们还会感到不解，结果反问对方喜欢的角色和原因追根究底也都是因为 “他们有钱”，甚至还对着剧中其他不是那么富裕的角色破口大骂，听了也只是觉得荒谬。

When I was working in Shanghai, after a whole day at the office my mind would go blank, so I could only watch TV shows like Gossip Girl which doesn’t require much brain work to pass the time during dinner. Back then, the show hadn’t ended yet, and most people my age were drawn to the chaotic romantic entanglements, the eye-catching love stories, and the protagonists’ extravagant, spendthrift lifestyles. But when I wanted to discuss the show’s subtle reflections on international capitalism and the cultural phenomena of the time, I couldn’t find anyone to talk to.

In high school, I loved characters with extradentary talents, and out of sympathy for the actress who was harassed by paparazzi in real life, my favorite character was Little J. I found her story heartbreaking — she relied purely on her talent to start a business, only to have all her designs burned down by her jealous model partner.

During university, I even collaborated with a roommate to open an Etsy shop selling handmade bead and wool pom-pom crafts. Except for providing a mailing address and arranging for business cards, I did all the other work myself. Yet, I had to split the profits evenly with her. Eventually, fed up, I had her act as the anonymous half-body model for my pom-poms to be featured in the product pictures which I took to put online. One time, I casually complimented a real-life professional model online for her long legs, and my roommate got so jealous she was furious.

Back in school, when I said my favorite character was Little J, my peers were puzzled. When I asked them who they liked and why, their answer usually boiled down to “because they’re rich.” They even insulted the less fortunate characters in the show, which I thought was quite ridiculous.

工作时再看却发现了自己和剧中主角们的一些共通点，比如连自家门童是白俄罗斯人这一点都和Serena一模一样，也觉得Blair张牙舞爪的公主脾气有时很可爱，每次在倒威士忌给自己喝的时候甚至还要模仿Chuck压低嗓音来上一句“I’m Chuck Bass”然后被自己突如其来的神经质搞得发笑，也相当能理解Nate从来没有给绯闻女孩发过爆料的“圣人”心态。

When I rewatched the show while working in Shanghai, I began to notice certain things I had in common with the main characters. For example, even my apartment’s doorman happened to be from Belarus—just like Serena's. I also found Blair’s dramatic, princess-like temper kind of endearing at times. Whenever I poured myself a glass of whiskey, I couldn’t help but imitate Chuck, lowering my voice to say, “I’m Chuck Bass,” and then burst out laughing at how ridiculous I sounded. I could also totally relate to Nate’s so-called “saint” mindset—never once submitting a single tip to Gossip Girl.

-Who do you think you are?
-Chuck Bass apparently. :D https://youtu.be/1oq9Wdm6ygk?si=nQgZTnoa7kW9PqzU

之前还听闻有人说，你们富家女不就是最喜欢穷小子，影视剧里不就是这么演的？

我听了冷笑只是觉得对方时完全靠自己的妄想做出的推断。影视剧中的“穷小子”在早期剧情发展时就体现出了不同于他们出身阶层的潜力和过人的胆识，再加上那么一点运气和自身的努力，自然会被富家女喜欢。比如《绯闻女孩》中写作天赋过人的Dan，在学生时期就大胆主动约富家女的Serena出门约会，拿出自己最大的诚意坚持以Serena的消费标准请她去她经常出入的高档法餐厅，被服务生当面羞辱时还能做到沉着冷静，虽然因为对环境和菜单不熟悉而有些紧张，因为看不懂法语不常吃法餐还点错了菜，为了让Serena能吃全餐自己还没点前餐和甜点只点了一道主菜。世界影史中最知名的穷小子Jack Dawson在三等舱的甲板上也是对站在头等舱上的Rose一见钟情后找到机会大方表白，穿着借来的西装把头发梳得整整齐齐，生平第一次出席头等舱的高级宴会也是谈吐不凡，沉静自若。在片尾在船舱里被海水快要淹没Rose吓到不停叫他名字的时候还能做到沉下心来，临危不乱地找到钥匙并及时开门救了两个人，就算后来趴在门板上快要被冻死对Rose也是说他人生当中最幸运的事情便是赢得了那张船票。《一个叫欧维的男人决定去死》中欧维与他后来的妻子索妮娅相遇时自己是个无家可归只能逃票睡在火车上的流浪汉，也还是大胆约对方去餐厅约会，还在点菜时表示自己在家里已经吃过了所以这样他就有足够的钱让索妮娅在菜单上点她想要吃的菜了，感动得索妮娅当场就站起来亲了他一口确认了两人的关系，后来也是出学费供欧维念完了工程学院。结婚后欧维也在两个人的新房子里专门打了一整面墙的书架送给爱看书的索妮娅。现实生活中也有穷小子遇到订婚的富家女还大胆表白勇敢追爱，富家女感动到撤销婚约最终结局圆满的例子也存在。而且“穷小子”也只是在女方家境的映衬下的短时效性质的称呼，比如反正我是看不出父亲是上世纪知名摇滚明星，母亲是开画廊的艺术家的Dan到底“穷”在了哪里，只是在和身边出身名门望族家世显赫的同学们比较时物质条件显得不那么出众罢了。而有着良好家教，被世俗气沾染不重的富家女们看重的从来不是一个人的物质财富，反而是这个世界上绝对稀有的品质，如忠诚，潜力，野心等等，当然现实一点讲，漂亮的脸蛋也是不可或缺的条件之一哦~

I once heard someone say, “Don’t rich girls always go for poor boys? Isn’t that how it always plays out in movies and TV shows?”
I couldn’t help but scoff—it was such a baseless assumption, based purely on fantasy.

In film and television, the so-called “poor boy” often displays qualities early on that clearly set him apart from the social class he was born into—courage, intelligence, and the most important: potential. With a bit of luck and plenty of effort, it's no surprise he catches the eye of the “rich girl.”

Take Dan from Gossip Girl, for example. Despite being from a less affluent background, he boldly asked Serena out when they were still in high school. He approached her with genuine sincerity and did his best to meet her lifestyle expectations—taking her to an upscale French fine dining restaurant she usually goes to. Even when the waiter humiliated him in front of her, Dan stayed composed. Sure, he was nervous, unfamiliar with the setting, and ended up ordering the dish wrong because he couldn’t read French. But he still made sure Serena had a full-course meal, only ordering one main dish for himself to make it work within his budget.

In cinematic history, one of the most iconic “poor boy” characters is Jack Dawson in Titanic. He fell for Rose, a first-class passenger, at first sight while standing on the third-class deck. He boldly confessed his feelings, dressed in a borrowed tuxedo, slicked back his hair, and attended a formal first-class dinner with the poise and wit of someone who actually belonged there. Later, when Rose panicked as the ship was flooding, Jack stayed calm and managed to find the key that saved them both. Even when he was freezing on that wooden door in the ocean, he still told her that winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to him.

In A Man Called Ove, Ove first met Sonja when he was homeless, sleeping on trains without a valid ticket. And yet, he had the courage to ask her out to dinner. At the restaurant, he told her he’d already eaten so that he could spend all his money making sure she could order anything she wanted. Touched by his gesture, Sonja kissed him right on the spot. Later, she even paid his tuition so he could complete his engineering degree. After they married, he built her an entire wall of bookshelves in their new home, just because she loved to read.

Even in real life, there are “poor boys” who’ve bravely confessed their feelings to already engaged rich girls—some of whom went so far as to break off their engagements immediately and pursue the ones they truly loved.

And let’s be real—“poor boy” is often a relative term. For instance, I never understood how Dan, whose father was a legendary rock musician from the '80s and whose mother ran an art gallery, was ever labeled as “poor.” It's just that, compared to his peers who came from multi-generational wealth and legacy, his background seemed to be a bit more modest.

Well-bred, open-minded rich girls don’t look for material wealth—they value qualities that are far rarer: loyalty, potential, ambition. And yes, if we’re being honest, a pretty face certainly doesn’t hurt either.

第二天在巴黎的行程快结束时去了巴黎北站，也是《绯闻女孩》中Blair和Chuck作短暂告别的经典场景的取景地打卡，到了车站才意识到奶酪所说的“PAUL在法国就是火车站的小店”具体是什么意思。

到了现场发现拍摄地是在欧洲之星火车法国开往伦敦的候车厅拍的，上楼找相同的拍摄机位的时候还被工作人员问是不是买了去伦敦的火车票，想来当时拍摄的时候大概也是剧组专门清了场拍摄的。

On the second day, as the daytime in Paris was coming to an end, I made a stop at Gare du Nord—the filming location of that iconic Gossip Girl scene where Blair and Chuck say a brief, bittersweet goodbye. It was only when I arrived at the station that I finally understood what Nello meant when he said, “PAUL is just a train station thing in France.”

When I got there, I realized the scene had been filmed in the Eurostar departure hall for trains from France to London. As I went upstairs to find the exact filming spot, a staff member even asked me if I had a ticket to London. I figured the production team must have arranged for a private shoot back then, clearing the area just for the scene.

在火车站附近逛了逛消食就回宾馆写明信片了，给同学朋友写明信片的时候总是能做到大笔一挥一气呵成，草稿都不用打，而在给喜欢的人写的时候就和给他发消息一样，反复字斟句酌，还在自己随身携带的手账本上用铅笔打了草稿改了又改才一笔一划小心翼翼地在精心选给他的明信片上落笔。

After strolling around the train station to walk off the dinner, I headed back to the hotel to write postcards. When writing to classmates and friends, I could always do it in one bold, effortless go—no drafts needed. But when it came to writing to someone I like, it was just like messaging him: I agonized over every word, revising and rephrasing endlessly. I even drafted it in pencil in my journal first, editing it multiple times before finally putting pen to the carefully chosen postcard for him, writing each word with the utmost care.

在巴黎的第三天早晨去了巴黎公墓去奥斯卡王尔德的墓前致意，清晨骑车在巴黎的葱郁的林荫大道上心情也变得格外明媚，走在墓园的石砖小径上时，虽然是被已逝之人包围着，心情确实格外地平静，比身处人群之中安心得多。临行上飞机前出于好奇问了几个瑞典的同学他们高中时期学校文学课的必读书目，还特别问到有没有在课上读过一些爱尔兰作家的作品。其中一位瑞典女生告诉我他们高中时老师还让他们读了法国经典文学《悲惨世界》时我大叫：我的天哪我好嫉妒（不是羡慕）！还表示：我以后就算有小孩也不会送他们去美国念书的！在美国念高中的时候修过一节欧洲文学课，负责上课的老师讲了半学期课后因为私人原因回家休假去了，课上读的书也全都是莎士比亚和简·奥斯汀的作品，以及詹姆斯·乔伊斯的《都柏林人》中的两篇短片，跟同学开玩笑说不如叫英语文学课算了，毕竟课上也没让读过其他欧洲语种的文学，后来来代课的戏剧课老师也只是放披头士的作品给我们听让我们赏析歌词。作为唯一国籍多样性代表的詹姆斯·乔伊斯就这么被我记了下来，还记得当时在课上初读他的那篇《阿拉比》时的惊艳，到现在也还能背出文章的开头，因为意识流流派的作品接触不多，而詹姆斯·乔伊斯的文风又十分独特，叙事风格是我之前从来没有接触过的，后来买来中文版的《尤利西斯》断断续续也没看完，只是感叹作者本身真是个天才。一次考试的时候也因为开篇引用了奥斯卡·王尔德的那句 “我们都生活在阴沟里，但仍有人仰望星空。” 而论文拿了满分。当天下午去逛莎士比亚书店的时候还买来了英文版的《尤利西斯》以及海明威的《流动的盛宴》给自己当作生日礼物，还把在书店里买来的钢琴明信片夹在书里，用在乌普萨拉的书店买来的自己最喜欢的柠檬印花的包装纸包好放在客厅的架子上，结果因为工作学习搬家繁忙就一直忘了拆。后来发现请来吃饭的法国男生当年的农历生日和我的生日仅相差一天后我表示：我们是异父异母的亲兄弟啊！

On the third morning in Paris, I visited Cimetière du Père-Lachaise to pay my respects at Oscar Wilde’s grave. Cycling through Paris’ leafy boulevards in the early morning light put me in an exceptionally bright mood. Walking along the cobbled paths of the cemetery, surrounded by the departed, I felt an unexpected calm—much more at peace than I often do among the living.

Before heading to the airport, I asked a few Swedish classmates out of curiosity what books were on their required reading lists for their literature classes in high school. I specifically asked if they had ever read any Irish authors in class. One Swedish girl told me that her teacher had even made them read Les Misérables in high school, and I practically shouted: “Oh my god, I’m so jealous (not good envy)!” I added, “If I ever decide to have kids, there’s no way I’m sending them to school in the US!”

Back when I was in high school in the US, I took an European literature class, but the teacher left halfway through the semester due to personal reasons. The syllabus included only Shakespeare, Jane Austen, and two short stories from James Joyce’s Dubliners. I joked with my classmates that they might as well have called it “English Literature,” since we never read works from any other European languages. The substitute was the drama teacher who mostly just played Beatles songs for us to analyze the lyrics.

James Joyce stood out as the only real representation of literary diversity, and I’ve remembered him ever since. I still recall the awe I felt the first time I read “Araby” in class—it struck me so deeply that I can still recite the opening lines. It was my first real encounter with stream-of-consciousness writing, and Joyce’s style was like nothing I’d ever read before. I later bought a Chinese translation of Ulysses and tried reading it, though I never finished—it just made me think: this man was an absolute genius.

Once, I even scored full marks on an essay exam by opening with Oscar Wilde’s line: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

That same afternoon in Paris, I visited Shakespeare and Company and treated myself to the English editions of Ulysses and Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast as birthday gifts. I tucked a piano-themed postcard I’d bought in the store between the pages, wrapped the books with my favorite lemon-print wrapping paper I’d bought from a bookstore in Uppsala, and placed them on my living room shelf. But with all the moving around due to work and study, I forgot to ever unwrap them.

Later, when I found out that the French guy I’d invited over for dinner had a Chinese calendar birthday just one day apart from mine, I said:

Subtitle translation: We’re brothers by blood — just from totally different fathers... and mothers.

还接着酒劲当即把那本没拆封的《尤利西斯》作为礼物送给了对方。

Still feeling a little tipsy, I impulsively gave him the unwrapped copy of Ulysses as a gift.

走到王尔德墓前就发现和之前在网路上看到的照片不同，之前看到的网图墓碑上都是沾满了唇印，四周也摆满了信件和情书，但当天到现场却发现因为王尔德的家人后裔们每年因此要出高昂的清洁费用就用玻璃罩子把墓碑围了起来，还打上了警示标语，但墓碑高处一些刁钻的角度还是能看到浅浅的还有些新鲜的唇印。正当我低头致意的时候，墓园的清洁工突然把清洁车开到了我身侧，眼睛一直提防地盯着我，还装模做样地上墓碑前东摸摸西摸摸，从玻璃罩子里摸出一支不知道被谁塞进去的口红和一封信件当着我的面扔到他的垃圾车里，我看出对方的意图，知道自己被对方误会的同时也被对方滑稽的行为逗到在努力憋笑的同时努力克制住冲对方吼:“我有洁癖！我有细菌恐惧症！王尔德的墓碑飞过来亲我都比我去主动亲他的可能性大些！”的冲动。

When I reached Oscar Wilde’s grave, I noticed it looked different from the photos I’d seen online. In those older images, the tombstone was covered in lipstick marks, with letters and love notes scattered all around. But when I arrived, I found that the monument was now enclosed in a glass case, with warning signs posted—apparently, Wilde’s descendants had grown tired of paying the high cleaning costs every year. Still, if you looked closely at some hard-to-reach spots on the upper part of the tomb, you could still see a few faint, and even somewhat fresh, lipstick marks.

Just as I was bowing my head in tribute, a cemetery worker suddenly drove his cleaning cart right next to me and kept a close, suspicious eye on me. He theatrically walked up to the glass case, poking and prodding around, and even fished out a lipstick and a letter that someone had managed to slip inside. Then, while making sure I was watching, he dramatically tossed both into his trash cart. I instantly understood what he was trying to imply and realized he had mistaken me for one of those enthusiastic fans. I found the whole performance ridiculously funny that I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing—and at the same time, fight the urge to shout:
"I have germophobia! There’s a better chance of Oscar Wilde’s tombstone kissing me than me ever kissing it!"

在王尔德的墓前作了短暂停留后便去拜访法国香颂歌手艾迪特·皮雅芙的墓碑，她的那首被拿来当《盗梦空间》配乐的《Non, je ne regrette rien》作为Rexi在苹果工作时下班后处理数据时听了无数遍，来安慰当时自己的所经历的种种不顺只是因为自己身处噩梦梦境，很快便能醒来和当时喜欢的人重聚，做回以前那个快乐明媚名叫Lettie的自己。

After a brief stop at Wilde’s grave, I went on to visit the tomb of the iconic French chanteuse Édith Piaf. Her song "Non, je ne regrette rien", famously used in Inception, was something Rexi listened to countless times after work while processing data during her time at Apple. That song became a form of solace—reassuring herself that all the misfortunes she was going through at the time were just part of a bad dream, and that she would soon wake up, reunite with the person she loved, and return to being her former radiant, joyful self—the one who used to go by the name Lettie.

准备从巴黎公墓出去的时候意外发现了肖邦的墓地也置身此地，惊讶之余又觉得“C’est Paris, non?”(这里毕竟是巴黎啊，不是吗？)便加快脚步前去拜访。虽然自小时候起一直练习的曲子的多以奥地利以及德国的作曲家的作品为主，法国作曲家哈农的作品册子也被自己长时间拿来作弹奏前热身练习用，肖邦的曲子是一直在听的，听的时候就令我闻而生畏，后来终于有时间练习他那首知名的黑键练习曲的时候也总算是真正领教到了他在古典音乐史中不可撼动的地位。每五年举办一次的肖赛也是有时间就要关注的，很欣赏波兰人的民族性格，因为觉得参赛的选手们的演奏水平都不够资格拿第一，于是肖赛冠军的位置一空就空了十五年。而我自己被问到为什么一直不愿意交男朋友时有时也会微笑着回复对方：你听说过肖赛吗？想来自己青少年时期喜欢的第一位欧洲演员也是出演波兰电影《自杀空间》的雅酷朴·盖尔秀。其中片尾因为药物滥用而处于濒临死亡状态，在酒吧吧台前他出演的角色举止有些癫狂的画面，是个人心目中电影人像摄影中的美学巅峰。在日语中有“桜は七日” （樱花七日）的概念，指的是樱花的花期短暂，通常指从盛开到凋谢大约只有七天的时间，体现了日本文化中对樱花短暂而绚烂之美的欣赏，以及对生命易逝的感叹。觉得片尾男主濒死狂躁状态的这几个镜头却与日本美学观念 “物哀”有着异曲同工之妙，有一种樱花凋零殆尽前的凄烈美感。

As I was about to leave Cimetière du Père-Lachaise, I unexpectedly discovered Chopin’s grave was there as well. Surprised but thinking, “C’est Paris, non?” (After all, this is Paris, isn’t it?), I quickened my pace to pay my respects. Although the pieces I have practiced since childhood mostly come from Austrian and German composers, and the French composer Charles-Louis Hanon’s exercise books have long been my go-to warm-up, Chopin’s music has always been a part of what I listen to. His works once intimidated me just by listening to them, and when I finally had time to practice his famous Étude Op. 10, No. 5, I truly understood his unshakable status in classical music history.

I always keep an eye on the International Chopin Piano Competition held every five years and admire the Polish national spirit, especially since the competition once went without a winner for fifteen years because no contestant met the standard to claim first prize. When people ask me why I’ve been reluctant to have a boyfriend, I sometimes smile and reply, “Have you heard of the International Chopin Piano Competition?”

I think my first favorite European actor during my teenage years was Jakub Gierszał, who starred in the Polish film Suicide Room. The final scenes, showing his character in a near-death state due to substance abuse and acting wildly at a bar counter, are to me a pinnacle of cinematic portraiture aesthetics.

In Japanese culture, there is the concept of “桜は七日” (sakura wa nanoka), meaning “cherry blossoms last seven days.” It refers to the short blooming period of cherry blossoms—about seven days from full bloom to falling—reflecting the appreciation of fleeting beauty and the transience of life. The last scenes of the film, showing the protagonist’s agonized and frantic near-death state, resonate deeply with this Japanese aesthetic of mono no aware—a poignant beauty in the impermanence of things—capturing a tragic yet breathtaking beauty before it vanishes completely just like the cherry blossoms fall of the branches in the spring.

后来找来演员的个人资料看了，发现他本身是一头天生的金发，出演这个角色的时候为了贴合角色设定主动向导演提出染成的黑色，顿时对金发形象的他失去了兴趣，反倒是在他的一张颁奖仪式上的合影中被站在他旁边棕发的比尔·斯卡斯加德吸引，搜来他的作品看后就一直作为自己最喜欢的演员喜欢了近十四年。结果后来在Nation和瑞典朋友们聊天时意外了解到，几乎所有的瑞典人一出生时就是金发，有的人的发色会短暂转变为红棕色后再在青少年时期彻底变成棕发，得知此事的我立马去找了比尔·斯卡斯加德的童年照来看。

个人心目中欧洲电影界的两位顶级男演员，高挑俊朗，风度翩翩。/ European film industry with its finest actors, both tall, handsome and charming.

Later, I looked up the actor’s personal information and found out that he was naturally blonde. When playing the role, he had actually asked the director to dye his hair black to fit the character’s personality and storyline better. Suddenly, I lost interest in his blonde image. Instead, I was drawn to a photo from an awards ceremony where he was standing next to Bill Skarsgård, who has brown hair. After looking up Bill’s work, he became my favorite actor for nearly fourteen years.

Later, while chatting with friends from Nation and Sweden, I was surprised to learn that almost all Swedes are born blonde. Some of them have a brief phase where their hair turns reddish-brown before fully changing to dark brown during their teenage years. Upon learning this, I immediately went to look for childhood photos of Bill Skarsgård.

你这一头金发是什么意思嘛╥﹏╥

麻烦给我点播一首ABBA的Mamma Mia，开头第一句歌词无限循环谢谢。

就这么被骗了近14年🥹/ I've been cheated by you for almost 14 years🥹

Is that blonde hair I’m seeing ╥﹏╥?
Alexa, play ABBA’s Mamma Mia please, and put the very first line of the lyrics on an endless loop.

出发来瑞典念书前也听闻瑞典男生们有情感疏离的名声，和性格开朗大方的南欧的朋友们认识时间不长的时候就能亲热地称呼对方“宝贝”“亲爱的”“大美人”，和北欧朋友尤其是北欧的男生认识时间再久发消息也是直呼其名，恨不得拿出日本人写邮件时的繁琐礼仪给对方发消息。再加上后来得知他们出生即金发的外在形象，情感上没人比自己能更疏离的我表示：那正好我就专心学业和事业好咯~

Before coming to Sweden to study, I had heard that Swedish guys have a reputation for being emotionally unavailable. When I met friends from sunny Southern Europe, even after a short time, we’d affectionately call each other “sweetheart,” “darling,” or “gorgeous.” But with Nordic friends—especially Nordic guys—no matter how long we’d known each other, I’d just use first names or full names in messages, Sometimes I even attempt to apply all the formalities that Japanese people use when writing emails when I communicate with them. Plus, after learning that they all are born with blonde hair, and knowing that emotionally no one is more unavailiable than me, I thought: perfect, then I’ll just focus on my studies and career!

Unless he’s already in Sweden before I arrived here: https://youtu.be/H3xI_kFrjCg?si=jYD2UvKYiTEqpFzX

结果被奶奶听到，说：不行！我刷视频看到说瑞典小伙长得体面呢！你给我带个回来！

我：谁给我奶奶的社交账号搞的算法做的推送我弄死ta。

But then my grandma overheard me and said, “No way! I saw in a video that Swedish boys are handsome and well-mannered! You better bring a grandson-in-law back for me!”

And I was like: Whoever messed with my grandma’s algorithm and got her social media pushing that kind of content—I swear I’m coming after you.

似乎大多数人喜欢一些作家或文艺工作者多是被对方的外表吸引，而我在出发去巴黎前作简单检索时才第一次看到王尔德的长相，也没多留意就关了网页窗口。自己最喜欢的歌手兼创作者汤姆·奥德尔在流行乐坛中也是少见地弹得一手好钢琴，但看得出来他的发行商喜欢拿他长相不俗的脸作卖点，去DC看他的现场演出时他也是一脸羞涩略结巴地在演出间隙和观众打招呼，坐在舞台上钢琴前弹奏的样子也好像童话里走出来的王子。自己买来的他作品的琴谱和专辑因为封面都是他的大头照所以从来不敢堂而皇之地摆放在客厅里的钢琴上，而是封底朝上摆在电视柜上，生怕半夜起来喝水的时候被吓到。因为不喜欢金发的男生，他们从来都不是自己喜欢的类型，就好比自己觉得金发的哈尔看上去平平无奇，而黑发的哈尔则是人间极品，无人能及，所以觉得自己能相对客观地看待汤姆·奥德尔的作品，每次听歌时随机到他的作品时总要对着背景里编曲精巧的钢琴声发出惊叹。自己之前玩过乐队，也仗着自己弹古典乐的底子好，每次排练现代流行乐的时候自己总能半天就能把简单的旋律练熟，而汤姆·奥德尔的作品总是要花上一周左右的时间用心练习的，也感叹他创作时运用到的繁复技巧，同时感慨他的才华。

It seems that most people become fans of writers or artists because they’re drawn to their appearance, but in my case, I didn’t even see what Oscar Wilde looked like until I casually looked him up before my trip to Paris. I barely paid attention to the image and closed the window right away.

My favorite singer-songwriter, Tom Odell, is one of the rare artists in the pop world who plays the piano exceptionally well. You can tell his label leans heavily on his good looks as a marketing angle. When I saw him live performance in D.C., he was endearingly shy and a little stuttery when speaking to the audience between songs. Sitting at the piano on stage, he looked like a prince straight out of a fairy tale.

瞧他们有多着迷于他的脸啊！真可惜，其实他明明才华横溢！两张专辑整张都好听！See how they are obsessed with his face? Such a shame because he’s also so talented! Both of his albums’ quality is exceptionally good!

I own his sheet music and albums, but since the covers are all close-up portraits of his face, I’ve never dared leave them on display on the piano in my living room. Instead, I keep them face-down on the TV cabinet—just in case I wake up at night for a glass of water and get startled.

I’ve never been into blond guys; they’ve just never been my type. It’s like how I find the blond Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle totally unremarkable, but the black-haired Howl? Absolute perfection, no one else compares. That’s why I feel I’m able to view Tom Odell’s work fairly objectively. Every time one of his songs comes up randomly when I put Spotify on shuffle mode, I’m always taken aback by the intricacy of the piano arrangements in the background.

I used to play in a band and, thanks to my classical training, I could usually master simple pop or rock melodies in a day or two. But Tom Odell’s pieces always took at least a week of focused practice. I truly admire the complexity of his songwriting and the talent behind it.

每天在巴黎骑车都会路过的俄罗斯东正教三一教堂，觉得颜色柔和的金顶审美不俗。/ Every day when I ride my bike through Paris, I pass by the Russian Orthodox Holy Trinity Cathedral, and I find its softly colored golden dome to be very tasteful.

从巴黎公墓出来便骑车按预约好的时间去埃菲尔铁塔观光了，买了全通票，还在塔中间的餐厅Madame Brasserie订了座。登到塔顶的时候往下俯瞰巴黎市中心全景的时候突然发现自己当时的视角与中国名画《清明上河图》的近似，还能看到铁塔被阳光照射而投在塞纳河上的影子。塔顶的展示柜里也展示着有埃菲尔铁塔出境的几乎所有电影。

沉浸式登塔。/ Immersive tower-climbing experience.

After leaving Cimetière du Père-Lachaise, I rode my bike to the Eiffel Tower just in time for my reserved visit. I had purchased an all-access ticket and even booked a table at Madame Brasserie, the restaurant on the tower’s second level.

Lunch at Madame Brasserie.

When I reached the top and looked down over the panoramic view of central Paris, I was suddenly struck by how similar the perspective was to that of the famous Chinese painting Along the River During the Qingming Festival. I could even see the shadow of the Eiffel Tower cast across the Seine by the sunlight.

Inside the display cases at the top, there were exhibits showcasing nearly every film that has ever featured the Eiffel Tower.

从埃菲尔铁塔下来，在附近找了一家邮局给同学朋友们寄前一天晚上写好的明信片，后来和葡萄牙男生朋友在咖啡店聊天时，他和我说他跟他男朋友认识之后尝试用瑞典语给他写信，结果被帮他校阅的瑞典朋友看了吐槽后说：你这个遣词造句读起来不是像是在给男朋友写信，而是想招他来上班。我听了再想起在巴黎给喜欢的人写的明信片内容，感觉对方和自己的经历莫名地相似，但又觉得给当时的大部分人写明信片时的语气都沾着一些东亚人的礼貌克制含蓄和美式客套以及在国内上班时沾上的职场腔调，便就作罢。

After coming down from the Eiffel Tower, I found a nearby post office and mailed the postcards I had written the night before to my classmates and friends.

Later, while chatting with a Portuguese friend at a café, he told me that after he started dating his boyfriend, he once tried writing him a love letter in Swedish. But when his Swedish friends helped him proofread it, they laughed and said, “This doesn’t read like a love letter to your boyfriend—it sounds like that you want to hire him for a job.”

Hearing that, I couldn’t help but think of the postcard I had written in Paris to someone I like. It struck me how similar our experiences were. But then I also realized that the tone I used in most of the postcards—polite, reserved, and slightly restrained—carried a blend of East Asian courtesy, American small talk, and the professional language I had picked up while working back home. So in the end, I shrug it off.

几年前被火烧毁的巴黎圣母院在我去参观的时候还在进行修补工作，走进去欣赏了一会儿墙上的玻璃彩窗和哥特式建筑风格，便匆匆出门去赶下午的马卡龙课。到了店里才发现一同上课的是三个穿着打扮得一模一样的美国女生，当即给朋友发消息说我的天哪感觉又回到了大学来欧洲游玩的那个春假，本来来欧洲就是躲美国人的，结果现在却在和她们一起上马卡龙课。在加州念高中的时候和室友出门时被住家评价说，诶你们中国的女生和美国的女生不一样哦，美国的女生会约好穿一样的衣服再出门，你们倒是各穿各的哦？后来在美国观察了一下却是如此，但又觉得自己是个性极强的，平时很讨厌与人撞衫穿同样的服饰或鞋子，也只有偶然和喜欢的人选了类似的穿搭后不觉得厌烦，反而会觉得欣喜。后来在课上也只和几位美国女生维持表面上的友好，专心上课外也不做多余的交流，毕竟觉得自己只是去上课的。其中一位女生还在问店内上其他烘焙课的人问题的时候被一位极有个性的法国点心厨师怼，看得暗自发笑，继续给朋友发消息说我的天呐法国人不用跟美国人比都好可爱。

朋友：我还第一次见法国人和可爱在同一句话里出现的。

When I visited Notre-Dame Cathedral, which had been badly damaged by fire a few years ago, restoration work was still ongoing. I stepped inside for a brief moment to admire the stained-glass windows and the Gothic architecture structure, then hurried off to make it in time for my afternoon macaron class.

When I arrived at the shop, I realized the other people who took the same class were three American girls dressed identically. I immediately messaged a friend saying, “Oh my god, it’s spring break back in 2018 all over again, I came to Europe to escape from Americans, and now I’m taking a macaron class with 3 of them.”

Back when I was in high school in California, my host family once commented while my roommate and I were heading out, “You Chinese girls are different from American girls—American girls usually coordinate and wear the same outfits when they go out. But you all just dress however you want.” I later paid more attention and realized it was kind of true. But I’ve always had a strong sense of individuality and dislike wearing the same clothes or shoes as others. The only exception is when I coincidentally wear matching outfits with someone I like—then I actually find it delightful rather than annoying.

During the class, I kept things polite but distant with the American girls, choosing to focus on the lesson rather than socialize unnecessarily. At one point, one of them tried asking a question to another person attending a different baking class, and the response from a very characterful French pastry chef was rather blunt—borderline savage. I laughed quietly to myself and texted my friend again: “The French don’t even need to be compared to Americans to seem instantly nice.”

My friend replied: “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard the words ‘French’ and ‘nice’ in the same sentence.”

来教课的法国阿姨也是十分亲和认真，有时候一时想不起法语单词的英文表达还会和我们道歉，自己在给柠檬榨汁的时候挤出的籽也是被对方爽快地用手接过并扔掉了。课上还教了几个使用裱花袋的小技巧。选给马卡龙上色的自己选了蓝色，三位美国女生却选了让自己头疼的粉色。好在做出来的成品不错，后来也是带回到乌普萨拉给朋友分掉了。马卡龙课结束后骑车去拍凯旋门，巴黎春日里的凯旋门也在夕阳下显得格外壮观。回宾馆的路上在塞纳河边的梧桐树下停下自行车给喜欢的人回即时消息，回完消息给手机灭屏后看到在屏幕反光里自己涨红的脸上的满面笑容，心已然是已经飞回了瑞典，飞回了喜欢的人的身边。

在巴黎的最后一餐在宾馆附近的街区随便找了一家法式小餐馆，走进去点了一客洋葱浓汤和牛肉鞑靼，洋葱浓汤很可口美味，牛肉鞑靼就着生鸡蛋搅开后强迫自己吃了半份就再也坚持不下去，再次确认自己身上是没有半点蒙古血统后去隔壁的冰淇淋店买了一客杰拉多给自己当餐后甜点。

注：“Tartare”（塔塔）这个词最早源自欧洲人对蒙古游牧民族——鞑靼人（Tartars）的称呼。中世纪时传说鞑靼骑兵为了节省时间，会将生肉夹在马鞍下骑行软化，然后生吃。

The French lady who taught the macaron class was incredibly kind and attentive. When she occasionally struggled to find the English words for certain French terms, she would politely apologize. While I was juicing lemons and accidentally squeezed out some seeds, she casually caught them with her hand and tossed them away without a second thought. She also shared a few useful tips for using a piping bag during the class.

I chose blue food coloring for my macarons, while the three American girls went for a bright pink that honestly gave me a bit of a headache. Fortunately, the final result turned out well. I brought the macarons back to Uppsala and shared them with friends.

After the class, I biked over to get some shots of the Arc de Triomphe. Bathed in the warm light of Parisian Spring sunset, the monument looked especially magnificent. On the way back to my hotel, I stopped under the plane trees by the Seine to respond to a message from someone I like. When I locked my phone screen afterward, I caught sight of my own reflection—my face flushed, smiling from ear to ear. In that moment, my heart had already flown back to Sweden, back to the boy I was thinking each and everyday.

For my last meal in Paris, I wandered into a random little French bistro near my hotel. I ordered a bowl of French onion soup and a plate of steak tartare. The soup was rich and delicious, but the tartare—especially after mixing in the raw egg—was something I had to force myself to eat. I only managed to finish half before giving up, officially confirming that there is not a single drop of Mongol blood in me. I promptly headed next door and treated myself to a scoop of gelato as dessert.

Note: The word “tartare” comes from the European term for the nomadic Tartar people of Central Asia. According to medieval legend, Tartar horsemen would soften raw meat by placing it under their saddles while riding and then eat it raw.

在巴黎的最后一天早上四点就醒了，给一些朋友同学发了消息问要不要我从巴黎带回的纪念品或马卡龙。吃完早饭提着行李在宾馆的入口处等Uber来时，被第一天慢吞吞替我处理入住手续的非裔工作人员拦住说今天早上宾馆早餐的牛角包是他现烤的，还下楼去拿了一个上来递到我手里让我带在路上吃，我想起第一天晚上到巴黎自己对他发的大小姐脾气，顿觉当时自己的表现实在有些失礼，感到非常不好意思的同时也向对方道了谢，这时候Uber也开到了宾馆门口，于是放上行李便出发去戴高乐机场。到机场办好登机时手机的各个软件也被工作和学校的消息填满，在巴黎做的长达四五天的公主梦的自己也在这一刻被拉回现实。

On my last morning in Paris, I woke up at 4 a.m. and started sending messages to friends and classmates asking if they wanted me to bring back any souvenirs or macarons from Paris. After breakfast, I waited with my luggage by the hotel entrance for my Uber to the airport.

Just then, the same hotel staff member, the African employee who had slowly processed my check-in on the first night—stopped me and told me that he had freshly baked the croissants for breakfast that morning. He even went downstairs to grab one and handed it to me to take it on the way.

In that moment, I suddenly remembered how I had snapped at him with a bit of temper on my first night in Paris, and I felt genuinely embarrassed. I thanked him sincerely, just as the Uber pulled up at the hotel entrance. I loaded my luggage and set off for Charles de Gaulle Airport.

By the time I finished checking in at the airport, my phone was already flooded with messages from work and school. And just like that, the dreamy, four-to-five-day Parisian fairytale I had been living in came to an end—and I was firmly pulled back into reality.

虽然看上去自己平时一直对美国人意见很大，但《巴黎，我爱你》中自己最喜欢的短片却是一位美国老妇人用美国腔很重的简单法语词汇语气认真诚恳地介绍自己的背景以及来巴黎游玩的经历，觉得这个短片也展现了巴黎是所有人的巴黎，不论男女老少，背景出身，国籍种族，每个人都有平等的机会用孩童般的眼光去第一次探索巴黎，体验巴黎，感受巴黎，并最终爱上巴黎。

Although I usually have many criticisms of Americans and their country, my favorite short film in Paris, Je t’aime is the one featuring an elderly American woman who, with a strong American accent, speaks simple French words in a sincere and earnest tone to share her personal background and her experience visiting Paris.

I feel this short film perfectly captures that Paris truly belongs to everyone—regardless of age, gender, background, nationality, or race. Everyone has an equal chance to see Paris through the fresh eyes of a child, to explore Paris for the first time, to experience Paris, and ultimately to fall in love with Paris.

Clip from Paris, Je T'aime - 14e Arrondissement: https://youtu.be/mJG0lqukJTQ?si=CiUAi1NbBOp52YPT

巴黎是失而复得的爱，是命运悄然归还给我的心动。她是我以为生命中再也见不到的温柔，是多年未敢奢望却终于重逢的梦。她汇聚了我一生中曾为之悸动的一切特质：浪漫、自由、优雅、灵魂深处的悸动。她既是亲人，也是知己，是我独自穿越千山万水之后，在异乡突然体会到的那份令人安心的归属感。她是我反复在心中描绘过的理想生活，是我无数次祈愿过的不期而遇。而如今，在真正与她会面后，发现她比我想象的还多一些，比我期待的还胜三分。她是我梦寐以求的一切，仿佛命运将我许过的每一个愿望都听见了，也终于在某一天，悄然如约而至。

Paris is a love long lost but finally found, a heartbeat quietly returned to me by fate. She is the tenderness I thought I would never see again in my life, a dream I hadn’t dared to hope for in years but finally reunited with. She gathers all the qualities that have ever made my heart flutter throughout my life: romance, freedom, elegance, and a deep stirring of the soul.

She is both family and confidante—a comforting sense of belonging I suddenly felt in a foreign land after traveling across countless mountains and rivers alone. She is the ideal life I have repeatedly painted in my mind, the unexpected encounter I have wished for countless times.

And now, having truly met her, I find she is even more than I imagined, surpassing my hopes by far. She is everything I have ever dreamed of and more, as if fate heard every wish I whispered and finally, one day, quietly arrived as promised.

P.S. Any non-French speakers remeber what is “pork” in French? :D

P.S.S. Listened to all the love songs I can find and kinda like while working on this book-length essay, decided that I am gonna shut all my emotions for the rest of the year, back to the Machine Like Me mode. Once again I proved my point ¨Emotions can be fabricated, feelings cannot be reconstructed¨ is absolutely right. (You can find the link to the playlist at the very beginning of this blog)

P.S.S.S. A small easter egg, my celebrity crushes holding flowers:

Disclaimer: All conversations are slightly altered based on real-life events for the purpose of adjusting colloquial expressions into formal written language, AI generative tool was used for better wording choices and translation purposes.

未经允许，禁止转载。/ Without permission, reproduction is prohibited.

All photos are shot and edited with SONY’s products.

巴黎漫步 Paris Promenade

Paris Je t’aime.

斯京思境 Stockholm State-Of-Mind